Augh

There is something wrong with me.

C le V texted me last night when he got home from the airport around 1.30 am. We talked for about 45 minutes. He clearly was excited to hear from me and wanted to talk about his trip and this weekend. It was really nice. To hear his voice and listen to him talk and laugh with him. Even though I just wanted to go to sleep. Now I know what it feels like to be the dude. I was super tired all day today. It was also really nice to have him back on email again. I really missed those too.

Last night when we were talking, he said he would phone me this evening. I know he had plans with friends. I'm assuming he's still out. Because it would be unacceptable for him to get home and not call. I waited up and could have gone to bed hours ago. I'm annoyed at myself for waiting. And disappointed that he didn't call. And I'm feeling the distance which I know is going to translate into reduced warmth and increased reservation when I see him in 24 hours.

See what I mean? There's something wrong with me. I hate that I'm such a clingy, needy, high-maintenance bitch. Urgh, I hate myself.

Blarf

It's Wednesday. C le V is coming home today. He has many long flights but hopefully I will get to talk to him in less than 48 hours. I'm excited about this weekend but also very nervous. What if it's awful? What if we're weird and awkward around each other? What if I'm going all the way there just to have him dump me? What if he does that on Friday night and I have to mope around the city all by myself all weekend? Or sleep on his couch and end up with a crick in my neck and a back spasm and unable to walk? What if we run out of things to talk about, or if we fool around and there's no chemistry or I say something really stupid and he decides he hates me? I'm so nervous I could puke.

I know, I'm being completely neurotic. But the other option is to be so excited that my expectations are totally unrealistic and I come home feeling "meh". Either way, I'm bound to fail. Relationship fail.

I'm a lot better at this pessimism thing than optimism. Which is good, because hope has always disappointed me in the past.

Okay, I'm feeling better now. Thanks.

Screwed up

I was using brownies as an incentive to thesis but now the brownies are gone and nothing has been written. They were yummy though. I have resorted to copying and pasting the text from my conference poster into a Word document. I mean, I already wrote the stuff once before right? Right.

Is it beyond f*cked up that I miss Grey more than I care to admit but am still excited to see C le V next weekend? I do miss C le V too and I just want the next 5 sleeps to be over already!

But I miss Grey as well. A lot. I still think about him a lot. I know it's only been 3 weeks since he asked me to never speak to him again and I know it's not soon enough to know for certain that he is out of my life forever. I flip flop between missing him and being angry at him and being relieved that it's over. Mostly I'm relieved. But sometimes I'm angry. Angry that he played so many games with my brain. Angry that he actually considered my moving in with him in April. Angry that he couldn't express any feelings to me except resentment and anger and harshness. That the one time he was happy to see me he was still guarded about it and the whole thing felt surreal. And of course I miss him. It's ridiculous to me expect not to miss him. Hopefully that will fade with separation and distance and time. But, for now, I continue to miss him.

I miss him enough that, if I think too hard about it, or listen to the wrong song, I realize that there's a wormhole that goes from the centre of my soul to the furthest ends of the Universe. That, if I get too close to the edge, I'll fall in and will never be able to escape.

Back to Britney. Hard to believe that she's saving my sanity.

Superstar
Where you from, how's it going?
I know you
Gotta clue, what youre doing?
You can play brand new to all the other chicks out here
But I know what you are, what you are, baby

Look at you
Gettin' more than just re-up
Baby, you
Got all the puppets with their strings up
Fakin' like a good one, but I call 'em like I see 'em
I know what you are, what you are, baby

Womanizer
Woman-Womanizer
You're a womanizer
Oh Womanizer
Oh You're a Womanizer Baby
You, You You Are
You, You You Are
Womanizer, Womanizer, Womanizer

Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)
Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)

You Got Me Goin'
You're Oh-So Charmin'
But I can't do it
U Womanizer

Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)
Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)

You Say I'm Crazy
I got Your Crazy
You're nothing but
A Womanizer

Daddy-O
You got the swagger of champion
Too bad for you
Just can't find the right companion
I guess when you have one too many, makes it hard
It could be easy
Who you are, that's who you are, baby

Lollipop
Must mistake me you're a sucker
To think that I
Would be a victim not another
Say it, play it how you wanna
But no way I'm ever gonna fall for you, never you, baby

Womanizer
Woman-Womanizer
You're a womanizer
Oh Womanizer
Oh You're a Womanizer Baby
You, You You Are
You, You You Are
Womanizer, Womanizer, Womanizer

Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)
Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)

You Got Me Goin'
You're Oh-So Charmin'
But I can't do it
U Womanizer

Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)
Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)

You Say I'm Crazy
I got Your Crazy
You're nothing but
A Womanizer

Maybe if we both lived in different worlds
(Womanizer Womanizer Womanizer Womanizer)
It would be all good, and maybe I could be ya girl
But I can't 'cause we don't
You...

Photographic proof

Our mutual friend posted a photo of me and Capitaine le Vomi on crackbook this evening. I actually have no recollection of the photo even being taken and it took me a few minutes to figure out where we were. I mean, logically I knew it was at the bar that fateful night he acquired his nickname but I don't really remember him being that up close and personal with me. I remember mostly distance and awkwardness on my part in response to his drunken flirtatiousness. That was just prior to creepy drunk club guy hitting on everything with boobs pinball type "dancing" behaviour. It was truly classy and reminds me how little I know him. A couple of people immediately concluded his behaviour that night was a result of his being nervous to see me. Which is logical because I was feeling pretty nauseated between Belleville and Montreal and then experienced this weird, jittery, throat-clenching fear from the moment we started getting ready to his double cheek kiss. But I don't know? Do guys get that way too? I mean, guys that register 13 on the looks scale? I'm not sure.

In the photo, he has his arm wrapped around my shoulder so tightly that I'm basically tucked into his side. It's not an awful photo, if you can get past how utterly drizzunk we both look. I'm shiny and droopy eyed and his eyes are rimmed red. Now I realize how wasted he must have been even that early in the night. I messed around with it a bit and we look much better grainy and in black and white. I made it my desktop photo. I just can't believe that's the first photo taken of us "together". Yikes. I can't wait for him to see it when he gets home from his vacation. I wonder if he'll be mortified or think it's funny... 7 more sleeps til I see him again!


Hey Asshat, on a completely unrelated note, am I crazy (that's rhetorical) or is H commenting as both Michelle and GOD?

Random

Really, I have nothing to write about. I guess without Grey making me feel like utter crap, my life has become pale and uninteresting.

I was at a client meeting this morning and suffered an embarrassing incident. We had toured the facility for a couple of hours and were sitting in a boardroom tying up some loose ends when my stomach made the most atrocious, loudest, rudest growling noise I have ever heard. It sorta sounded like this:

"Raaaaaaoooooowwrrrrrbraaaaaaapwaaaaaaaaaaaaaableoouuuuuuuuuuubledawbleargh!"

Seriously. There was no hiding it.

Fortunately I can laugh at myself and informed everyone that breakfast had been early that morning. All six men sitting around the conference table burst out laughing. At least they'll remember me as the hungry girl with a giant hippo tummy monster. Sheesh.

Then some crappy but trivial stuff happened when I went to get lunch at Timmy Ho's.

Then I came home cranky and irritable from lack of sleep. So, to self medicate, I wrote a page to C le V, ate three teaspoonfuls of Nutella and watched three episodes of Numb3rs.

Because I am a giant nerd.

Oh, also, I booked a train ticket to Montreal for the last weekend in Feb. Yay nookie! :)