The intervals between blog entries are getting longer. I wonder why this might be.
Possible reasons include:
1. It's summer so I'm busy which means less thoughtful. Or maybe just less time to write.
2. I'm happier. I don't feel happier overall. But for some reason I am not feeling up to writing.
3. I'm tired all the time. That means fewer late nights, less stamina to stay up writing.
4. Procrastination has taken over my life. I am reading and rereading the Amelia Peabody series. It helps me to escape from my life. It invariably makes me smile or laugh out loud in under two pages. I like to feel empowered and those books do it for me. Also, there is so much rich detail that I seem to see and hear new things every time I read them.
I finished Harry Potter on the Sunday morning after it came out. For some reason I have held off rereading it. I will soon though. I have read all the other ones so many times I have lost count. 7? 8? More?
Is it wrong to feel boiling hatred and consuming anger towards your significant other? I have a problem. When I don't talk to him for a few days, I forget how much I care about him. When he's too busy to talk to me, I feel like that means he doesn't care about me anymore. Why do I think that? And how do I fix that?
Today we had a long conversation. I think that he is beginning to understand that communication is important to me. After all, it's the only thing we have right now. I told him that we need to have a real conversation once a week. I'm definitely going back to work full-time after I'm done school. I can't take the pressure to finish and move and find happily ever after. I need some time to make this work without worrying about my thesis and lab work and grades and funding.
He has 4 vacation days left in the year. That makes me sad. That's less than one day a month for the next 5 months. I have already booked my flight down there for my birthday. I don't want to go down there and be frustrated about his not having time for me. And what about his high school reunion in September? How is this going to work?
Some days I miss the sound of his voice. Other days I get so angry that I convince myself that I don't want to be with him. That I don't need anything from him. That I don't need anybody. That I'm better off alone. That I hate him and I wish he would just end it and save us both the agony. That's when I push him away. Passively and aggressively. Then I am sad that the future we have planned isn't real. It's all just a figment of my imagination. Too good to be true. God, I have so much baggage. Why is he with me?
I feel like he barely knows me at all. He certainly doesn't know how to make me laugh. Most days he brings me down. I don't think he can correctly interpret my facial expressions. Sometimes I think he only hears a fraction of my words and even less of my meaning. I went to my doctor and had a whole suite of blood tests and ultrasounds. Everything came up negative. I am going to see a gastroenterologist in October. We haven't talked about it at all. I'm a bit scared. I miss my old Valentine. He is seeing someone now. She travels a lot though. I guess he must like the relationship because it means he's on his own most of the time.
Tonight I am overcome with sadness. I think I know why. I'm tired. My parents are in town. They always make my blood pressure go up. I realized that the reason I'm in pain when I take my pill on an empty stomach is because it has lactose in it. I retaliated against my rude waiter this evening by not leaving a tip. There were some words but the parting wasn't acrimonious. I still feel shitty though. Why didn't he just bring me a new drink instead of ganging up with the bartender against me? Who puts ice in champagne or sparkling wine? B said he would talk to me tonight. When he said it, I knew that we wouldn't talk tonight. But I was hopeful when I got home. He was online but I didn't get a response. Hope and disappointment are soul-crushing.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Monday, July 9, 2007
Friday, May 25, 2007
Soggy
I can't seem to stop crying today. Perhaps it's just hormones. Perhaps I should stop listening to John Mayer. I discovered him last weekend on XM. Robin Thicke as well, and a couple of other songs in my usual genre - hip hop.
B is out tonight. Wedding reception for Mr Money and his wife, Dr DC. Their wedding was last weekend on Harbour Island. It's a quaint little island near Eleuthera. Everyone drives around in golf carts and there are no traffic lights. The island is a maze of streets but is only about 5 km long. It is known as Briland to the locals and we stayed at the Ocean View Hotel on Pink Sands Beach.
When I first arrived there, I didn't think too much of the place. But by the end of 5 days, the place had cast it's spell on me. Sitting on the beach watching the boys play football. Getting up at 6 am to watch the sunrise by myself. Sleeping on the beach after that because I didn't want to wake up B. Drinks at Gusty's and dancing at Vic-Hum's. I think I had fallen in love with the place by the end of the massive Treasure Hunt organized by the bridesmaids. I think we must have driven around the island at least five times. I was hungry and cranky and heat strokey but I feel like I know the place like the back of my hand now. And I got to spend some time with B's boss' wife. She is a real Bahamian woman and I really liked her, even though my feelings about B's boss are ambiguous at best.
The wedding itself was nice. Short and sweet - 15 minutes on the beach followed by drinks and dinner and dancing at the Ocean View. I have to confess that I didn't pay too much attention to the actual ceremony because I was taking photos. I didn't notice that B was on the verge of tears a few times but some people pointed out his overly serious facial expression afterwards and he confessed as much to me when we looked at the photos a few days later. He's cute. I really miss him.
We had sex on the beach after the wedding. Not right after the wedding but much later that night. I was so nervous for his speech. He refused to tell me what he was going to say so I couldn't eat very much dinner but I did end up drinking almost an entire bottle of Veuve Clicquot (yum!) and bummed a cigarette right before his speech. Then I planted myself right in front of him which he apparently failed to notice because he was nervous too! After that, it was just fun. We danced lots. Sprinkled the bridal bed with condoms and pirate gear (Johnny Depp cardboard cutout, bottle of rum, inflatable parrot, pirate hats etc) and then we went to Vic-Hum's again. And when we got back to the hotel, a few people said they were going out to drink on the beach.
But by the time we got there, there was only a bridesmaid and a groomsman and some other people we met on the island. So we went for a walk and found a nice quiet spot to sit on our towels. The great thing about Briland is that it's not very developed yet. The beach was dark and we couldn't hear anyone further down the beach. So we ended up kissing and I guess all the champagne got to my head. I honestly don't remember being the one to suggest having sex right there. I do remember B being somewhat hesitant at first. I think he was nervous we would get caught and that would have been embarrassing. But it was worth it :) And now, when B talks about it, he grins from ear to ear. He seems to think I was being freaky but I don't think it was that outrageous. Even now, I can't believe that we actually did it because sand in sensitive places is icky and I'm not a publicly affectionate person. But it was so pitch black that we could almost see the Milky Way. Someone would have had to trip over us to find us. I think we must have been up til 4 am and then it was an early morning to get on the ferry back to Nassau. That was rough.
And Monday was nice. B took the day off and we went ring shopping. His idea, not mine. We found a few rings that we both liked. I really like the non-traditional stuff but he liked the diamonds. I have told him repeatedly that I don't need a ring. That we can just go to City Hall and do the paperwork. I've come a long way since X. It's really how I feel though. I just want him. I just want to be with him. I don't need the big party and the attention and stuff. But he wants to do it all the old fashioned way and I'm okay with that too.
The best parts of the entire weekend, other than the beautiful blue ocean and pink sand and warm sunshine of course, were just being with him. I missed him when he was off doing Best Man stuff and on Tuesday morning when he went to work. I have gone from not knowing if I have what it takes to make this work, to missing him and aching for him and not knowing if I have what it takes to make myself finish this degree. Maybe it's just the first flush of "new relationship" but I miss him so much right now that I can't stop crying. I really hope it's mostly hormones. My head is staring to hurt. I miss standing next to him. I miss the way he reaches out for me. I miss the way that he looks at me. I miss looking in his eyes. I miss the feeling I get when he walks towards me. When my heart skips a beat and my breath catches in my chest.
I want him. I want to be with him. I want it now.
B is out tonight. Wedding reception for Mr Money and his wife, Dr DC. Their wedding was last weekend on Harbour Island. It's a quaint little island near Eleuthera. Everyone drives around in golf carts and there are no traffic lights. The island is a maze of streets but is only about 5 km long. It is known as Briland to the locals and we stayed at the Ocean View Hotel on Pink Sands Beach.
When I first arrived there, I didn't think too much of the place. But by the end of 5 days, the place had cast it's spell on me. Sitting on the beach watching the boys play football. Getting up at 6 am to watch the sunrise by myself. Sleeping on the beach after that because I didn't want to wake up B. Drinks at Gusty's and dancing at Vic-Hum's. I think I had fallen in love with the place by the end of the massive Treasure Hunt organized by the bridesmaids. I think we must have driven around the island at least five times. I was hungry and cranky and heat strokey but I feel like I know the place like the back of my hand now. And I got to spend some time with B's boss' wife. She is a real Bahamian woman and I really liked her, even though my feelings about B's boss are ambiguous at best.
The wedding itself was nice. Short and sweet - 15 minutes on the beach followed by drinks and dinner and dancing at the Ocean View. I have to confess that I didn't pay too much attention to the actual ceremony because I was taking photos. I didn't notice that B was on the verge of tears a few times but some people pointed out his overly serious facial expression afterwards and he confessed as much to me when we looked at the photos a few days later. He's cute. I really miss him.
We had sex on the beach after the wedding. Not right after the wedding but much later that night. I was so nervous for his speech. He refused to tell me what he was going to say so I couldn't eat very much dinner but I did end up drinking almost an entire bottle of Veuve Clicquot (yum!) and bummed a cigarette right before his speech. Then I planted myself right in front of him which he apparently failed to notice because he was nervous too! After that, it was just fun. We danced lots. Sprinkled the bridal bed with condoms and pirate gear (Johnny Depp cardboard cutout, bottle of rum, inflatable parrot, pirate hats etc) and then we went to Vic-Hum's again. And when we got back to the hotel, a few people said they were going out to drink on the beach.
But by the time we got there, there was only a bridesmaid and a groomsman and some other people we met on the island. So we went for a walk and found a nice quiet spot to sit on our towels. The great thing about Briland is that it's not very developed yet. The beach was dark and we couldn't hear anyone further down the beach. So we ended up kissing and I guess all the champagne got to my head. I honestly don't remember being the one to suggest having sex right there. I do remember B being somewhat hesitant at first. I think he was nervous we would get caught and that would have been embarrassing. But it was worth it :) And now, when B talks about it, he grins from ear to ear. He seems to think I was being freaky but I don't think it was that outrageous. Even now, I can't believe that we actually did it because sand in sensitive places is icky and I'm not a publicly affectionate person. But it was so pitch black that we could almost see the Milky Way. Someone would have had to trip over us to find us. I think we must have been up til 4 am and then it was an early morning to get on the ferry back to Nassau. That was rough.
And Monday was nice. B took the day off and we went ring shopping. His idea, not mine. We found a few rings that we both liked. I really like the non-traditional stuff but he liked the diamonds. I have told him repeatedly that I don't need a ring. That we can just go to City Hall and do the paperwork. I've come a long way since X. It's really how I feel though. I just want him. I just want to be with him. I don't need the big party and the attention and stuff. But he wants to do it all the old fashioned way and I'm okay with that too.
The best parts of the entire weekend, other than the beautiful blue ocean and pink sand and warm sunshine of course, were just being with him. I missed him when he was off doing Best Man stuff and on Tuesday morning when he went to work. I have gone from not knowing if I have what it takes to make this work, to missing him and aching for him and not knowing if I have what it takes to make myself finish this degree. Maybe it's just the first flush of "new relationship" but I miss him so much right now that I can't stop crying. I really hope it's mostly hormones. My head is staring to hurt. I miss standing next to him. I miss the way he reaches out for me. I miss the way that he looks at me. I miss looking in his eyes. I miss the feeling I get when he walks towards me. When my heart skips a beat and my breath catches in my chest.
I want him. I want to be with him. I want it now.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
My back hurts
So this will not be a very long post. I should be writing a paper to justify my thesis research but I've done nothing for the last ten days because I am completely and utterly unmotivated and I deserve to fail out of grad school. I just can't seem to wrap my head around this. Most of the time, I have sat at my desk groaning and muttering to myself. I finally did a bit today because I'm starting to feel a bit of pressure.
Last night, I felt obligated to go out and meet a friend who I haven't seen since I moved back. I didn't have the greatest time but I did pick up bubble tea afterwards so that was yummy in my tummy. Then I thought I was going out tonight but those plans fell through. Actually, both sets of plans fell through. But I did some work this afternoon thinking that I was going. And then a third group of friends called to say they were going salsa dancing. I sort of wanted to go and, if they had picked my up, I probably would have. But their car was full and I can't handle driving to, and showing up at, a club by myself. Not to mention paying for cover just isn't in the budget. And because I'm taking pain killers, I wouldn't be drinking. Or, more likely, I would have had a drink because I can't deal with dancing with strangers while sober. But the whole drinking, driving, prescription painkillers combo... I think I made a good decision out of fear and laziness tonight. Yay, me.
I should email B to tell him I'm going to bed, then prop my knees up on some pillows and read until I fall asleep or I hear the sound of an MSN message come through my headphones. We had big fights this week and required arbitration by Fiona and she really did help. I'm a bit concerned (that's secret code for jealous) that they are now facebook friends and have each other on MSN but I'm sure I have nothing to worry about. He really is so good to me. I don't deserve him.
Last night, I felt obligated to go out and meet a friend who I haven't seen since I moved back. I didn't have the greatest time but I did pick up bubble tea afterwards so that was yummy in my tummy. Then I thought I was going out tonight but those plans fell through. Actually, both sets of plans fell through. But I did some work this afternoon thinking that I was going. And then a third group of friends called to say they were going salsa dancing. I sort of wanted to go and, if they had picked my up, I probably would have. But their car was full and I can't handle driving to, and showing up at, a club by myself. Not to mention paying for cover just isn't in the budget. And because I'm taking pain killers, I wouldn't be drinking. Or, more likely, I would have had a drink because I can't deal with dancing with strangers while sober. But the whole drinking, driving, prescription painkillers combo... I think I made a good decision out of fear and laziness tonight. Yay, me.
I should email B to tell him I'm going to bed, then prop my knees up on some pillows and read until I fall asleep or I hear the sound of an MSN message come through my headphones. We had big fights this week and required arbitration by Fiona and she really did help. I'm a bit concerned (that's secret code for jealous) that they are now facebook friends and have each other on MSN but I'm sure I have nothing to worry about. He really is so good to me. I don't deserve him.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
I am sick of myself
I am a bad person. I don't deserve to be loved. I am my mother's daughter. She is a mean and nasty and bitter and resentful person. She made me the way that I am and I don't know how to change. Sometimes that makes me cry but most of the time it just makes me want to kill myself.
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