Monster

When it's late at night and my defenses are down, I am more honest with myself. More able to accept my feelings. Or rather, less able to ignore them.

I am horrified to be so callous and uncaring. At pushing so hard at everything that doesn't cooperate when I want things my way. Perhaps I deserve to be single forever. Why would anyone choose a companion so self-centred and unable to acknowledge it?

I don't know what to do. I don't know what is right anymore. I don't even know how I feel anymore. Do I care about him? Yes, undoubtedly. But what is that feeling? Is it the condescension of Jane Austen's usage? I don't think I'm better than him. But I don't respect him. Perhaps that's the problem. I don't know if I have ever really respected him. Is it possible to respect someone if you don't respect yourself? What's the difference between feeling respect for someone and feeling intimidated by them?

Basically what it comes down to is that I hate myself. When it's late and I'm alone and too tired to keep up the defenses, I turn all of my negative energy on myself. At night, it's harder for me to pretend confidence. When there are people around, I fake it. If I talk it, I can walk it, right? Wrong. It's just low self-esteem propped up by the illusion of being capable and intelligent and self-sufficient. It's easier to project the anger and pain onto the people that are close to you. When he told me he wouldn't let go, somehow that meant he gave me a license to mistreat him.

What an epiphany. But now what do I do?

Who am I?

Today I got a phone call that made me laugh. From a man that makes me laugh. Last night, I told him that B and I are taking a break for a couple of weeks. I realized over the weekend that I wasn't happy with our relationship. (Yes, I know, I'm slow). Our conversations have deteriorated to the point that neither of us has any desire to make the other person laugh and if we're not actually being nasty to each other, we're just sitting there in silence. I told him that B usually calls me at 11 after he's been working for 12 hours and he's exhausted. This mysterious guy understood. He works those hours too. He seems somehow to get me even though I've only spent a few hours with him, mostly in the company of other people. Maybe because he's a bit older. This evening, he called and got my voice mail. So he left a message saying that he was calling me before he got too tired and lost his sense of humour. He was rambling a bit and acknowledged as much but he was also laughing at himself. I don't think I've ever heard B laugh at himself.

This mysterious guy has made me laugh and made me think and made me smile. I don't know what he wants from me and, at this point, I don't much care. The reason for the break is that I need time to mentally get away from the stress and anxiety associated with our relationship. I need the time to focus on school and get some work done (which is why I'm blogging, clearly). I'm tired of waiting around for him to show up online and then calling me only to have a crap conversation. Or not showing up online. Not being able to reach him on his phone. Or just having him outright bail on our conversations. Which is what he did this past weekend. Fine, it was his mother's birthday so he was spending the day with her. It doesn't make me feel better. This mysterious man has made me feel better.

Do I expect too much when I want a good conversation? A normal conversation where we both talk about our day. Share our thoughts. Share some laughs. When I'm down, he pushes and prods to find out why I'm being so quiet. In short, the things I try to do for B. Is that so much to ask? I think that B finally understands that he's too busy for a relationship right now. And I think he accepts that there's nothing I can do to change our situation. Short of not needing to talk to him, there's nothing else I can do. Is there? Hence the break.

The thing is, since I met this mysterious guy, I don't really care about my relationship with B anymore. And that's the thing that bothers me the most. What kind of person am I to be this fair weather? I remember things that bothered me about him at the start of our relationship. I remember thinking "I don't like you very much because you're a pompous, verbose ass". How did I just overlook that all this time? He is patronising and condescending and sarcastic and takes himself too seriously. Those are all faults I see in myself. Do I really need to be with someone who amplifies those issues? Did I suppress all of those things because I wanted to move to the Caribbean and live in paradise? Was I blown away by his talk of marriage and kids and a future together? Should I have trusted my earlier instincts?

B is coming up in two weeks for his high school reunion. The break is until then. He will be staying with me as planned. We're still going to celebrate his birthday. Maybe then everything will be fine. I don't want to break his heart for the third time in our lives. But I'm starting to wonder if the universe is trying to tell me that we're just not meant to be together. Is that just a cop out?

I'm not sure what, if anything, I should do about this mysterious guy. Nothing, for now. Perhaps in a couple of weeks he'll realize I'm not that likeable after all.

I could do without Sundays

I'm sitting in the dark too upset to cry. I hate Sundays. I've always hated Sundays. There were a few years that Sundays were good: roast and TV and family and happy. But mostly they have been miserable and awful and lonely. Everyone does family stuff and I have only my loneliness to entertain me. Tonight I was pacing around the apartment when I realized that I just wanted to sit in the dark. So I turned out the lights, wrapped myself in my fleece blanket and sat in my chair by the window. I cried a bit but I'm too much trapped inside my head to really let anything out.

When I was little, Sundays were usually not happy. My memories of Sundays seem very surreal. I don't remember Sunday mornings. Maybe my mother actually let me sleep. Afternoons were often spent at gymnastics or the swimming pool or playing badminton. Then eating hot dogs or noodles at the sports centre canteen. Then home in the evening and somehow my mother was always miserable. I only ever remember eating out on Sunday evenings. Mostly at the Cricket Club. Because that was my nanny's day off so there was nobody to cook. To this day, I can't stand my mother's cooking. Everyone else's mom seems to cook just fine but not my mom. I think I inherited that from her.

And now, all of my friends are doing family stuff. I can't think of a single person I know who doesn't have family here. Even my ever-loving boyfriend can't come home from his parents house early to talk to me. I don't think that he wants to talk at all. We had a Skype date for yesterday morning but he broke it because he had to have birthday brunch with his mother. I feel like shit for being resentful but I can't help it.

I think it may be time for a new pack of cigarettes. I can't remember the last time I bought one. But now seems as good a time as any to buy another.

My boyfriend said

My boyfriend said:

damn

My boyfriend said:

I forgot I had a rubber band around my head

My boyfriend said:

now I have a headache

My boyfriend said:

not to mention a hideous halo-esque mark

My boyfriend said:

I am going to masque it up tonight

My boyfriend said:

:p

Apparently my boyfriend is not only gay, he's also retarded.

Elusiv Conversations

Elusiv says:

these are the nights i wish that i wasn't with you

Elusiv says:

that i wish i was single

Elusiv says:

because i get my hopes up

Elusiv says:

that i'll get to talk to you

Elusiv says:

maybe laugh a little bit

Elusiv says:

and catch up

Elusiv says:

and share a bit of my life with you

Elusiv says:

but instead you're tired

Elusiv says:

and angry

Elusiv says:

and frustrated

Elusiv says:

with your life

Elusiv says:

but you take it out on me

Elusiv says:

and reduce me to tears

Elusiv says:

and i'm left wondering why i waste my time

Elusiv says:

and questioning why i think that i deserve better

Elusiv says:

but i hardly ever seem to get it

Elusiv says:

i don't want to be the last thing on your list

Elusiv says:

after work and the gym and the shower and food and more work

Elusiv says:

you have nothing left to give me

Elusiv says:

but you call me to take something from me

Elusiv says:

and i rarely have enough to give myself

Elusiv says:

and tonight i have to dig down deep to get through all the things i have to do tonight

Elusiv says:

without crying

Elusiv says:

these are the dark nights for me

Elusiv says:

when i realize that i really am truly alone in the world