I did it

I started the ball rolling on the contract negotiations. I emailed my old boss this evening to ask for more money and an extra week of vacation. I didn't want to negotiate with him unless I was serious about moving back to Vancouver. But I made my decision today. Tomorrow I have to phone my landlady. I should send her an email now though, before I forget.

Okay, that's done. It's official. I'm moving out of here, and hopefully either into a storage space or a new condo in February! Yipes.

I was really having trouble deciding. I emailed MFV to ask him why he wasn't texting me every two hours, "Mooove back to Vancouver" but he was busy at work and, while I was dancing in the dark in my living room - dancing helps me think - I realized that I had nobody to talk to. So I sent a text message to my sister: "Should I stay in Toronto or moove back to Vancouver". She replied, "Move back to Vancouver". So, while I was emailing my old boss, MFV messaged me, "Moove back to Vancouver". We'll see what happens with the negotiations this week.

I'm going to bed. I missed my bed all day today. Tomorrow, I will tell you all about the cool stuff I bought at the One of A Kind Show this weekend.

Confused

I know I wrote recently that I would not blog about my relationship with MFV but I am feeling so confused at the moment and obviously have nobody to talk to about this. He has been spending time with my sister, which, at first I thought was sweet and helpful. And I still want to believe that's all it is. But he's been helping her catproof her new condo and I'm starting to turn a bit green around the gills. He doesn't even like cats! But he took her to IKEA today to get something which would help the situation. I wasn't really clear what that was though. A dog, maybe??

I'm not close to my sister. We're too different. I've tried but I just can't have a meaningful conversation with her. He has tried to reassure me that he's attracted to me and therefore would not be attracted to her. She's the skinny, pretty one. I got the brains (and I like to think the personality!). There were a couple of evenings when he didn't text me back and it wasn't until we talked later that he told me what he was doing but not who he was with. He only told me when I asked who he went with. After that, I told him that I would be more comfortable if he told me ahead of time that he was going to hang out with her. Otherwise it feels as though he's hiding it and he said it wasn't a big deal. But something feels off this evening. Maybe I'm imagining things.

I guess, if it's going to happen (or if it has already happened), there's nothing I can do about it. But, if it does, there's no way around it. I will feel betrayed.

Geeky

I am always attracted to the geekiest guy in the room. Okay, not the geekiest guy in the room. But definitely the geekiest guy on TV. Like Chuck Bartowski and Adam on CSI:NY and Greg on CSI:LV and Reid on Criminal Minds. Today, I was talking to a boy on Google Wave. And another boy on MSN. I told that one that I would pwn him one day. Also, I sent my friends a science joke today. It was a joke about pH. But it was so funny and my friends appreciated it. I is a nerd. Nerds are cool! Omg, I'm such a turkey. Happy Thanksgiving y'all!

Pathetic

There are times when I wish I was not conscious. There are times when I wish I would never be conscious again. Instead, I dig a frozen cigarette out of the freezer and kill myself slowly. I know I am pathetic. I own that. I tell myself often, out loud, sometimes in public places when nobody can hear me. I call myself terrible names. It starts in the shower and doesn't stop until I get into bed, exhausted and unable to think anymore. I tell myself that everyone hates me, and they are right to hate me. I'm unlovable and unworthy of any kind of time or attention. That's the reason I'm alone. I deserve to be alone. So I will be alone. If not by choice, then by half-hearted intention. I am pathetic and I hate myself.

Tea and ladies

Why don't men call when they say they're going to call? What is up with that? I hate it and I probably will never understand it. It frustrates me and I feel unloved, insignificant and neglected. Thank God for girlfriends and afternoon tea and tiny scones with devon cream and tea in teapots with teacups and saucers and strainers and all the dainty things that make me happy. Also, I am looking forward to copious amounts of alcohol tonight. (By copious, I mean two drinks).

Wholly, entirely subjective

I'm having a better food day today than I have had in a long time (no thanks to work!) so I decided to blog about it.

Pre-breakfast: Sun Rype pressed apple juice. Yay BC :)
Breakfast: Decaf tall non-fat peppermint mocha. Okay fine it was a grande! But it's the only thing I love about Christmas.
Lunch: Pomegranate bran muffin, strawberry yoghurt, blueberries, raspberries.
Dinner: Salmon with dill and lemon, 350 degrees C in the toaster oven, approx. 20 mins; boiled green beans.
Dessert... brie and crackers, maybe? Maybe some chocolate digestives and milk.

This took planning and effort and, frankly, more time and energy than I have had in months. If only I could wake up every day without a headache and leave work at a reasonable hour (7 pm tonight). My tummy is happy today.

Oh, on a somewhat related note, I also had enough energy to wax my left leg. It was so ogopogo-hairy, though, that it hurt like a beyotch and now I'm too scared to do my right one. Maybe I'll save that one for tomorrow night!

Ugh

The interview was horrifying. Atrocious, appalling, cataclysmic.

No, actually, it wasn't. It went well, I think. BUT I don't think I will be receiving an offer. I miss the good old days when they used to offer you the job on the spot. At the end of my last interview, the office manager asked me, "so how much notice do you have to give??" Ya. Not this time. They said they would call me before the end of next week if they wanted me to come in for a second interview. So, I will make a decision about Vancouver on December 1.

Right now, though, I am going to put on my pjs and lie on the couch under a blanket, drink some 13 day old red wine and watch tv. And maybe pretend to study my camera manual. Cuz I a nerd like that.

Job interview

I could have prepared more efficiently. I could know more right now. I could care more. But frankly, all I want is to pack up and move back to Vancouver to be with my old group and move in with MFV. What the hell is wrong with me??

Mmmm coffeeee

My thing right now is Starbucks' Christmas lattes. Specifically, the peppermint white mocha. Now normally, I am not a fan of flavoured anything. My usual is a decaf tall non-fat vanilla extra hot latte. I choose vanilla over sugar. It's marginally better for you. But I decided to try the pumpkin spice latte and wow was that ever yummy. So, when Christmas lattes came out, I decided to be a little less Scrooge and a little more adventurous. I gotta say, the gingerbread latte and the creme brulee latte are just gross. Gross, gross, GROSS! But the peppermint with chocolate and coffee and whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles.... party in my mouth people! Merry holidays :)

Douchebags in elevators

I spent an inordinate amount of time with new guy and Douchebag today. New guy and I went to the Remembemererance Day ceremony at City Hall which was good. Except that, on the way there, he pulled me towards him in the elevator and tried to give me another face hickey and then, on the way back in the elevator, asked me what my breast size was.

Him: "what's your boob size?"
Me: stare of death (apparently futile)
Him: "B?"
Me: look of condescending superiority
Him: "C??"
Me: look of condescending smugness
Him: "nice"

Naturally, none of this prevented me from having lunch with him where he alternately ignored me in favour of his (not one but) two (!) blackberries and told me stories about the girls he has slammed/dated in the past. Truly charming.

Douchebag, on the other hand, was considerably better behaved today. We went downstairs for a mid-afternoon sugar break and, when we were waiting for the elevator, he said, "you're a very pretty girl, you know that?" I rolled my eyes and shot him a mental, "fuck you, I'm a woman not a girl, moron".

Hmm, maybe the problem is actually men + elevators.

aSSHAT

What more can a girl ask for? Asshat. Where are you Asshat?

Perfection

Today is turning out to be pretty perfect. This morning I got called for an interview for the only job to which I have applied since I finished school. It's pouring rain and sunny and I'm under the rainbow (not sure if this means I'm the pot of gold or the leprechaun) and there are dump trucks and steam rollers working outside my window. MFV sent me chocolates from Daniel le chocolat Belge for my birthday and I just ate a hazelnut mouse. It was like having a party in my mouth. I mean, really, what else can a girl ask for?

2^ 5 has been the best birthday ever

I just had the best birthday ever. MFV phoned at 11.30 to wish me a happy almost birthday and we probably talked for a couple of hours about stuff and stuff. It was tough to get up in the morning but it sorta felt like Christmas - minus that whole having to go to work thing. I got my free birthday latte from Starbucks - yay! - and my coworkers took me out to lunch which was so surprising and really nice. I really did not expect that at all. I even brought my lunch today which I NEVER do.

In the afternoon, I met up with my financial advisor. That was my birthday present to myself. I didn't lose as much as I thought in the last couple of years. Only around 4 or 5% of my portfolio. This was due to sheer dumb luck. When I last saw her in 2007, I had intended to buy a place in 2008 so we moved a lot out of equity into money market. Then, because I didn't see her for 2 years, we never moved it back out and I weathered the storm quite nicely. Actually, I should give her more credit for that. I'm sure that if I had been too aggressive with my equity balance, she would have let me know. She also asked me about my target retirement age. Whether I was looking at 60 or 55. I laughed and said 55 would be nice but, considering that I'm 32 years old today and still don't own a house, I doubt I can do both. She said she would run some numbers and see what happens.

Then the girls came over this evening for dinner. Pink dress made vegetarian chili which is phenomenal. Our mutual friend brought wine and cheese, all of which were fabulous. She also brought over molten chocolate lava mini cakes. Oh lord. And my belly dance teacher brought herself and some cheery spirits. It was really nice. It was good to feel loved. Also, my facebook wall literally exploded today. It was really unexpected and overwhelming and touching to feel so much love in my life.

But the icing on my cake might have been unexpectedly receiving a gift in the mail from MFV. He mailed me a Moroccan teapot stuffed with chocolates from Daniel le chocolat Belge. And a really sweet card. I might be falling in love with that stupid boy.

Teeter-totter

Did you know that, in the UK, they call teeter-totters "see-saws"? I grew up with see-saws. I feel like I'm on one right now. It sucks ass. On Friday afternoon, I talked to the other guy at the office. That man could sell crap to a crap salesman (sorry to whomever I plagiarized that from but it's apt and I would reference you if I remembered who you were, seriously). Anyway, I'm now waffling between 90% and 99% decided on the west coast. So much so that I'm started to get all weepy and shit thinking about the people I will be leaving behind. Again. I even got all teary when douchebag texted me, "i don't want you to go". Faaaak. But I want to go. I do. I just wish I could take everyone with me.