Soggy

I can't seem to stop crying today. Perhaps it's just hormones. Perhaps I should stop listening to John Mayer. I discovered him last weekend on XM. Robin Thicke as well, and a couple of other songs in my usual genre - hip hop.

B is out tonight. Wedding reception for Mr Money and his wife, Dr DC. Their wedding was last weekend on Harbour Island. It's a quaint little island near Eleuthera. Everyone drives around in golf carts and there are no traffic lights. The island is a maze of streets but is only about 5 km long. It is known as Briland to the locals and we stayed at the Ocean View Hotel on Pink Sands Beach.

When I first arrived there, I didn't think too much of the place. But by the end of 5 days, the place had cast it's spell on me. Sitting on the beach watching the boys play football. Getting up at 6 am to watch the sunrise by myself. Sleeping on the beach after that because I didn't want to wake up B. Drinks at Gusty's and dancing at Vic-Hum's. I think I had fallen in love with the place by the end of the massive Treasure Hunt organized by the bridesmaids. I think we must have driven around the island at least five times. I was hungry and cranky and heat strokey but I feel like I know the place like the back of my hand now. And I got to spend some time with B's boss' wife. She is a real Bahamian woman and I really liked her, even though my feelings about B's boss are ambiguous at best.

The wedding itself was nice. Short and sweet - 15 minutes on the beach followed by drinks and dinner and dancing at the Ocean View. I have to confess that I didn't pay too much attention to the actual ceremony because I was taking photos. I didn't notice that B was on the verge of tears a few times but some people pointed out his overly serious facial expression afterwards and he confessed as much to me when we looked at the photos a few days later. He's cute. I really miss him.

We had sex on the beach after the wedding. Not right after the wedding but much later that night. I was so nervous for his speech. He refused to tell me what he was going to say so I couldn't eat very much dinner but I did end up drinking almost an entire bottle of Veuve Clicquot (yum!) and bummed a cigarette right before his speech. Then I planted myself right in front of him which he apparently failed to notice because he was nervous too! After that, it was just fun. We danced lots. Sprinkled the bridal bed with condoms and pirate gear (Johnny Depp cardboard cutout, bottle of rum, inflatable parrot, pirate hats etc) and then we went to Vic-Hum's again. And when we got back to the hotel, a few people said they were going out to drink on the beach.

But by the time we got there, there was only a bridesmaid and a groomsman and some other people we met on the island. So we went for a walk and found a nice quiet spot to sit on our towels. The great thing about Briland is that it's not very developed yet. The beach was dark and we couldn't hear anyone further down the beach. So we ended up kissing and I guess all the champagne got to my head. I honestly don't remember being the one to suggest having sex right there. I do remember B being somewhat hesitant at first. I think he was nervous we would get caught and that would have been embarrassing. But it was worth it :) And now, when B talks about it, he grins from ear to ear. He seems to think I was being freaky but I don't think it was that outrageous. Even now, I can't believe that we actually did it because sand in sensitive places is icky and I'm not a publicly affectionate person. But it was so pitch black that we could almost see the Milky Way. Someone would have had to trip over us to find us. I think we must have been up til 4 am and then it was an early morning to get on the ferry back to Nassau. That was rough.

And Monday was nice. B took the day off and we went ring shopping. His idea, not mine. We found a few rings that we both liked. I really like the non-traditional stuff but he liked the diamonds. I have told him repeatedly that I don't need a ring. That we can just go to City Hall and do the paperwork. I've come a long way since X. It's really how I feel though. I just want him. I just want to be with him. I don't need the big party and the attention and stuff. But he wants to do it all the old fashioned way and I'm okay with that too.

The best parts of the entire weekend, other than the beautiful blue ocean and pink sand and warm sunshine of course, were just being with him. I missed him when he was off doing Best Man stuff and on Tuesday morning when he went to work. I have gone from not knowing if I have what it takes to make this work, to missing him and aching for him and not knowing if I have what it takes to make myself finish this degree. Maybe it's just the first flush of "new relationship" but I miss him so much right now that I can't stop crying. I really hope it's mostly hormones. My head is staring to hurt. I miss standing next to him. I miss the way he reaches out for me. I miss the way that he looks at me. I miss looking in his eyes. I miss the feeling I get when he walks towards me. When my heart skips a beat and my breath catches in my chest.

I want him. I want to be with him. I want it now.