Relationships are strange things. I work hard and play hard and expect to savour the rewards of my efforts. But relationships don't work that way. It doesn't matter how hard you bust your ass. If you're with someone who is not also busting their ass.. well, then you're just a fool. You're also a fool if you date douchebags and think they're interesting and entertaining. I suppose I had to turn 30 to learn that lesson!
Anyway, I realize that my previous post made it seem as though I'm lonely in Vancouver but I really couldn't be happier. Yesterday, I spent a lovely, sunshiney afternoon on Granville Island. I met MFV for lunch, read a book on the dock, got a pistachio ice cream cone, shopped, met MFV for coffee and eventually wondered home for a late afternoon nap. Then I met one of my favourite girlfriends for dinner in Yaletown and she filled up my soul and left it overflowing for the next person. It was a really good day. It has been a really good few weeks. I needed the break. I needed to rest. I needed to reconnect with myself. I needed to enjoy myself. I have done all those things. This has maybe been the best few weeks of my post-grad student life.
The thing is, when you start a new relationship with your bestest friend in the whole world and you also happen to be living with that person, the slightest bit of distance or withdrawal doesn't go unnoticed. But because you're living with this person, even though you might be second-guessing everything he says, you can't deal with it the same way you normally would. You can't play hard to get or give him his space or wait for him to come to you. You have to continue with the things you have started doing every day. Like washing his cereal bowl and coffee mug. And doing the laundry and buying groceries for dinner and planning your weekend getaway. And spooning with him as he falls asleep. I'm not suggesting for a minute that I would rather be in the other situation - the one where I could retreat to my cave and wait for him to come get me - after all that has not worked out so well in the past for me! But it does present a slightly different challenge. Ah, the male ego...
I am still trying to figure out this little problem. How to be a gentle, caring, loving partner without smothering the poor guy. How to still be the fun BFF and not morph into my usual relationship neuroses monster. How to be okay with having sex even when I'm not feeling 100% connected and dealing with those feelings with the minimum of drama. It's tough. I haven't been in a real relationship for many years. Maybe I never was. I never really experienced any sort of emotional intimacy with X, even though he was my best friend. I have had plenty of physical intimacy in the last couple of years, thank you Grey. But we never connected on an emotional level, in fact very much the opposite with him pushing me away whenever I would start to get close.
This is different. Better. Much, much better. But strange new territory for me. He got mad at me the other night. It was a stupid, trivial argument. And while we have moved on, we haven't really dealt with it. I'm not sure what the issue is. Probably that I am a giant, raving, condescending beyotch. I should fix that.
However, it could also be temporary. If he doesn't find work in Toronto, we may never be together again after next weekend. I intend to make the most of the week we have left. He is my BFF after all.
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Brass monkey
Holy Jeebus it's cold outside! I had lunch with a buddy, actually at his mother's place. I was originally supposed to have brunch with a friend who bails 90% of the time. I should have known she would bail today too. But I'm glad it worked out this way. I only see this buddy of mine a couple of times a year and last saw his mother when I was still with B. It was nice to see her again and we had waffles (yes, I ate waffles and now I need a nap) with apple slices and blue berries and strawberries and bacon! Mmm... bacon two days in a row :) Anyway, I literally drove up the street. Google Maps tells me it was 1.5 km. I was planning to walk but it's too damn cold. In the 90 seconds it took me to get to my car, the wind blew straight through my down jacket and my face froze off. I dropped my nose somewhere but it was too cold to go looking for it.
Anyway, I'm going to lie on the couch for the rest of the afternoon and pretend I'm in Aruba as the circulation returns to my tingly extremities. I'm almost done Season 2 of Mad Men. I anticipate going into 1960s withdrawal when that happens. Must download Season 3 for my between-offices-transfer hiatus.
Anyway, I'm going to lie on the couch for the rest of the afternoon and pretend I'm in Aruba as the circulation returns to my tingly extremities. I'm almost done Season 2 of Mad Men. I anticipate going into 1960s withdrawal when that happens. Must download Season 3 for my between-offices-transfer hiatus.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Delayed reaction
I got to thinking, if MFV has pictured our life down the road, far enough in the distant future to imagine us trying to have kids, maybe I should do that too. And I came up with a response. Admittedly, extremely delayed.
So I texted him, "we could always adopt?"
He lol'd :)
So I texted him, "we could always adopt?"
He lol'd :)
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Faak
I just can't win. I heard back about the other job today. They want me in for a second interview with the veeps next week. The Universe appears to be screwing with me big time.
In entirely unrelated news, I had dinner with an old friend and her sister-in-law. Highlight of my evening was when the sister in law said, "I didn't get to talk to Ms B properly last time; she's funny!" I felt all warm and fuzzy inside. If you need context, my friend's brother asked why they included a tip line on the credit card receipt when they already added the service charge. My response? "It's for drunk people".
:)
In entirely unrelated news, I had dinner with an old friend and her sister-in-law. Highlight of my evening was when the sister in law said, "I didn't get to talk to Ms B properly last time; she's funny!" I felt all warm and fuzzy inside. If you need context, my friend's brother asked why they included a tip line on the credit card receipt when they already added the service charge. My response? "It's for drunk people".
:)
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
2^ 5 has been the best birthday ever
I just had the best birthday ever. MFV phoned at 11.30 to wish me a happy almost birthday and we probably talked for a couple of hours about stuff and stuff. It was tough to get up in the morning but it sorta felt like Christmas - minus that whole having to go to work thing. I got my free birthday latte from Starbucks - yay! - and my coworkers took me out to lunch which was so surprising and really nice. I really did not expect that at all. I even brought my lunch today which I NEVER do.
In the afternoon, I met up with my financial advisor. That was my birthday present to myself. I didn't lose as much as I thought in the last couple of years. Only around 4 or 5% of my portfolio. This was due to sheer dumb luck. When I last saw her in 2007, I had intended to buy a place in 2008 so we moved a lot out of equity into money market. Then, because I didn't see her for 2 years, we never moved it back out and I weathered the storm quite nicely. Actually, I should give her more credit for that. I'm sure that if I had been too aggressive with my equity balance, she would have let me know. She also asked me about my target retirement age. Whether I was looking at 60 or 55. I laughed and said 55 would be nice but, considering that I'm 32 years old today and still don't own a house, I doubt I can do both. She said she would run some numbers and see what happens.
Then the girls came over this evening for dinner. Pink dress made vegetarian chili which is phenomenal. Our mutual friend brought wine and cheese, all of which were fabulous. She also brought over molten chocolate lava mini cakes. Oh lord. And my belly dance teacher brought herself and some cheery spirits. It was really nice. It was good to feel loved. Also, my facebook wall literally exploded today. It was really unexpected and overwhelming and touching to feel so much love in my life.
But the icing on my cake might have been unexpectedly receiving a gift in the mail from MFV. He mailed me a Moroccan teapot stuffed with chocolates from Daniel le chocolat Belge. And a really sweet card. I might be falling in love with that stupid boy.
In the afternoon, I met up with my financial advisor. That was my birthday present to myself. I didn't lose as much as I thought in the last couple of years. Only around 4 or 5% of my portfolio. This was due to sheer dumb luck. When I last saw her in 2007, I had intended to buy a place in 2008 so we moved a lot out of equity into money market. Then, because I didn't see her for 2 years, we never moved it back out and I weathered the storm quite nicely. Actually, I should give her more credit for that. I'm sure that if I had been too aggressive with my equity balance, she would have let me know. She also asked me about my target retirement age. Whether I was looking at 60 or 55. I laughed and said 55 would be nice but, considering that I'm 32 years old today and still don't own a house, I doubt I can do both. She said she would run some numbers and see what happens.
Then the girls came over this evening for dinner. Pink dress made vegetarian chili which is phenomenal. Our mutual friend brought wine and cheese, all of which were fabulous. She also brought over molten chocolate lava mini cakes. Oh lord. And my belly dance teacher brought herself and some cheery spirits. It was really nice. It was good to feel loved. Also, my facebook wall literally exploded today. It was really unexpected and overwhelming and touching to feel so much love in my life.
But the icing on my cake might have been unexpectedly receiving a gift in the mail from MFV. He mailed me a Moroccan teapot stuffed with chocolates from Daniel le chocolat Belge. And a really sweet card. I might be falling in love with that stupid boy.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Teeter-totter
Did you know that, in the UK, they call teeter-totters "see-saws"? I grew up with see-saws. I feel like I'm on one right now. It sucks ass. On Friday afternoon, I talked to the other guy at the office. That man could sell crap to a crap salesman (sorry to whomever I plagiarized that from but it's apt and I would reference you if I remembered who you were, seriously). Anyway, I'm now waffling between 90% and 99% decided on the west coast. So much so that I'm started to get all weepy and shit thinking about the people I will be leaving behind. Again. I even got all teary when douchebag texted me, "i don't want you to go". Faaaak. But I want to go. I do. I just wish I could take everyone with me.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Flip-flop
No, this is not a post about shoes.
Now I know how MFV was feeling about his NYC vs. Vancouver decision.
I go back and forth every few hours about wanting to stay here vs. wanting to move back. I mean, sometimes it's 50-50 and other times I'm about to hit the giant red button which says, "Screw you Toronto!"
When I left BC, it was always my intention to move back. When I was in Tofino in August 2006, I mailed A a postcard and asked her to send it back to me when I graduated. She hasn't done that. In fact, she has probably forgotten. But I remember. Why, then, is it so hard for me to make this decision?
I know that I want to be on the West Coast. I hate the weather and the traffic and the pretentiousness. I miss the rain and sushi and the ocean. I hate that Toronto is sucking the soul out of my body. I miss being able to look people in the eye when I pass them on the street and not feeling like I need to be more threatening than them. I know I am a different person when I live here. Not a better person. I have been acutely unhappy here and very much conscious of it, whereas I feel like I was happier overall in Vancouver.
I want a raise and a promotion. I want off this stupid project. I want to not commute to Mississauga or work out of the client office. I want to be closer to my best friend.
But there's something keeping me here. Is it fear of something? I don't know. There is nothing here for me. Well, there is one thing. It's the illusion of friends. There are a handful of people who really mean a lot to me. But those people want what is best for me and won't resent me for moving forward with my life. It's the peripheral people that will be more difficult to deal with.
One thing that I have learned the hard way is that I always lose people when I move. When I switched elementary schools mid-year, when I left home for Canada, when I left boarding school, then undergrad, then Toronto. You lose people. It's just too difficult sometimes for them to keep up. Frankly, I have a large social circle here. Large enough that I feel guilty saying no to people so that I can have time to myself. The sum of all those meaningless, trivial friendships is greater here than it was in Vancouver. But I have always felt the quality of my friendships there were much higher. So what am I afraid of?
Maybe I just need time to allow the weight of this decision to settle in. So that I can defend my choice to all those who will question me and feel abandoned. Or rather, to let their criticism and judgment and disappointment just roll off. Like rain on a duck.
Quack.
Now I know how MFV was feeling about his NYC vs. Vancouver decision.
I go back and forth every few hours about wanting to stay here vs. wanting to move back. I mean, sometimes it's 50-50 and other times I'm about to hit the giant red button which says, "Screw you Toronto!"
When I left BC, it was always my intention to move back. When I was in Tofino in August 2006, I mailed A a postcard and asked her to send it back to me when I graduated. She hasn't done that. In fact, she has probably forgotten. But I remember. Why, then, is it so hard for me to make this decision?
I know that I want to be on the West Coast. I hate the weather and the traffic and the pretentiousness. I miss the rain and sushi and the ocean. I hate that Toronto is sucking the soul out of my body. I miss being able to look people in the eye when I pass them on the street and not feeling like I need to be more threatening than them. I know I am a different person when I live here. Not a better person. I have been acutely unhappy here and very much conscious of it, whereas I feel like I was happier overall in Vancouver.
I want a raise and a promotion. I want off this stupid project. I want to not commute to Mississauga or work out of the client office. I want to be closer to my best friend.
But there's something keeping me here. Is it fear of something? I don't know. There is nothing here for me. Well, there is one thing. It's the illusion of friends. There are a handful of people who really mean a lot to me. But those people want what is best for me and won't resent me for moving forward with my life. It's the peripheral people that will be more difficult to deal with.
One thing that I have learned the hard way is that I always lose people when I move. When I switched elementary schools mid-year, when I left home for Canada, when I left boarding school, then undergrad, then Toronto. You lose people. It's just too difficult sometimes for them to keep up. Frankly, I have a large social circle here. Large enough that I feel guilty saying no to people so that I can have time to myself. The sum of all those meaningless, trivial friendships is greater here than it was in Vancouver. But I have always felt the quality of my friendships there were much higher. So what am I afraid of?
Maybe I just need time to allow the weight of this decision to settle in. So that I can defend my choice to all those who will question me and feel abandoned. Or rather, to let their criticism and judgment and disappointment just roll off. Like rain on a duck.
Quack.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Anti-douchebag
MFV just left. We had a really great weekend. Not just because we had fun but because he is a really great guy. A good man. In fact, he is almost the man I need him to be. Amazing what three years can do to a 24 year old. Despite one long year of not speaking to each other (2007-2008), our friendship has stayed tight. I rely on him like nobody else and, this weekend, I realized what it means to have a man around who is capable of being a grown up. He took care of me which felt so good. He helped me make decisions. He was quiet when I disappeared into my thoughts. He was protective and thoughtful and responsible and considerate. I want that from a man, and the douchebags, while entertaining, pale in comparison to him.
For three years, I have missed him and loved him like my best friend. Because that's what he is. But today, I might have started to fall in love with him. Which scares me to death because I don't really know how he feels about me. He looks at me like he really sees me. He makes me laugh without really trying which is not easy with my nerdy sense of humour. I can be myself around him and it is nice not to have to keep my guard up all the time. He can even see beyond the face I present to the world to the sensitive, vulnerable person that I am hiding from everyone. It has been a long time since I could spend 48 hours with someone and not feel exhausted by their company. Which is not to say the weekend wasn't thoroughly exhausting.
Dinner on Friday at Ruth Chris to celebrate his raise and my degree was amazing. Then salsa dancing with Baby and Delorean at El Rancho. My former salsa partner has improved vastly and I frankly couldn't get enough of him. I could have danced all night...
When we got home, he kissed me and I freaked out and we talked. We talked about the past and our futures and decided that there's nothing wrong with friends fooling around. It was nice, actually. Okay, the sex wasn't mind blowing the way that it is with Grey but MFV has only been with three other women. Counting him, I am into double digits. I wonder if he will be my last.
Saturday was brunch and the Ontario Science Centre. We're a pair of giant nerds and had a really good time. Dinner at the Host with friends and then Nuit Blanche. I'll post photos later. We stayed up til 4 am walking all over downtown before my legs gave up outside the Art Gallery. We had dim sum this morning and then read the paper and had dinner on the way to the airport.
I cried when he left. I don't know if I'm just tired and overwhelmed or if this is just a passing emotional phase. I miss him. I hope we end up in geographically closer cities. I know that the ideal situation in the short-term would be here for me and NYC for him. But long-term, maybe it's better if we're both in Vancouver. Who the hell knows what he is thinking though? I suspect that I'm more than a long distance booty call but I have been wrong in the past.
He's back from Morocco at the end of October. In the meantime, I have some decisions to make about work.
For three years, I have missed him and loved him like my best friend. Because that's what he is. But today, I might have started to fall in love with him. Which scares me to death because I don't really know how he feels about me. He looks at me like he really sees me. He makes me laugh without really trying which is not easy with my nerdy sense of humour. I can be myself around him and it is nice not to have to keep my guard up all the time. He can even see beyond the face I present to the world to the sensitive, vulnerable person that I am hiding from everyone. It has been a long time since I could spend 48 hours with someone and not feel exhausted by their company. Which is not to say the weekend wasn't thoroughly exhausting.
Dinner on Friday at Ruth Chris to celebrate his raise and my degree was amazing. Then salsa dancing with Baby and Delorean at El Rancho. My former salsa partner has improved vastly and I frankly couldn't get enough of him. I could have danced all night...
When we got home, he kissed me and I freaked out and we talked. We talked about the past and our futures and decided that there's nothing wrong with friends fooling around. It was nice, actually. Okay, the sex wasn't mind blowing the way that it is with Grey but MFV has only been with three other women. Counting him, I am into double digits. I wonder if he will be my last.
Saturday was brunch and the Ontario Science Centre. We're a pair of giant nerds and had a really good time. Dinner at the Host with friends and then Nuit Blanche. I'll post photos later. We stayed up til 4 am walking all over downtown before my legs gave up outside the Art Gallery. We had dim sum this morning and then read the paper and had dinner on the way to the airport.
I cried when he left. I don't know if I'm just tired and overwhelmed or if this is just a passing emotional phase. I miss him. I hope we end up in geographically closer cities. I know that the ideal situation in the short-term would be here for me and NYC for him. But long-term, maybe it's better if we're both in Vancouver. Who the hell knows what he is thinking though? I suspect that I'm more than a long distance booty call but I have been wrong in the past.
He's back from Morocco at the end of October. In the meantime, I have some decisions to make about work.
Monday, August 31, 2009
I drunk
Thursday, bubbles, weed and sex.
Friday, bubbles and fondue and Crown and ginger.
Saturday, red wine.
Sunday, tea.
Monday, sangria, blow job (free, with whipped cream, look ma no hands!), beer.
Tuesday...
Friday, bubbles and fondue and Crown and ginger.
Saturday, red wine.
Sunday, tea.
Monday, sangria, blow job (free, with whipped cream, look ma no hands!), beer.
Tuesday...
Thursday, August 20, 2009
And this is why I heart him
From: Me
Sent: August-20-09 7:21 PM
To: Grey
Subject: Are you in town?
This storm is insane. There's a tornado watch for the City of Toronto right now and one touched down at Vaughan Mills. I'm trapped at school in the graduate office because I didn't get out of here in time. The thunder is loud and I'm scared. Hold my hand? ;)
From: Grey
Date: Thu, Aug 20, 2009 at 7:22 PM
Subject: RE: Are you in town?
To: Me
Yes its insane!! Quite the view from the apt. Please consider your hand held :)
Grey | His crazy executive job title
Where he works
His email address
Sent: August-20-09 7:21 PM
To: Grey
Subject: Are you in town?
This storm is insane. There's a tornado watch for the City of Toronto right now and one touched down at Vaughan Mills. I'm trapped at school in the graduate office because I didn't get out of here in time. The thunder is loud and I'm scared. Hold my hand? ;)
From: Grey
Date: Thu, Aug 20, 2009 at 7:22 PM
Subject: RE: Are you in town?
To: Me
Yes its insane!! Quite the view from the apt. Please consider your hand held :)
Grey | His crazy executive job title
Where he works
His email address
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Tired puppy
I am one tired puppy! The dog seems pretty tired too. I took him to the off-leash area in Allen Gardens today because he clearly did not get enough exercise yesterday and it's fenced so I felt more comfortable
pee break
Okay the puppy didn't really want to pee. He was just asking for some attention. I get that.
Anyway, I felt more comfortable in the fenced off-leash area at Allen Gardens compared to the off-leash area in his usual park. He got to run around and play with other dogs. I was hoping he would be more tired than he currently is but maybe he's just naturally spazzy. I'm exhausted and would love to go to bed now but I need to let him out again tonight so that I can hopefully sleep in a bit longer tomorrow morning. I think I woke up at 5 am and couldn't go back to sleep.
It was a long and somewhat ridiculous day. D for Disaster coworker guy sent me a kind of douche bag email last Friday. The subject line was "not for internal affairs..." and his email said "are you doing tonight? if you are not interested in going on a date..then maybe we could pivot for each other – divide and conquer."
I want to be friends, or at least have a good relationship, with this guy because we have to work together so closely but he is making it difficult to be professional around him. If I am being honest with myself, I do miss hanging out with him and talking to him a little bit. Anyway, I extended an olive branch and invited him out to walk the dog. He suggested dinner but I ignored that part of his email. Anyway, we texted back and forth a bit and he said he was working late but would come to the park when he was done but I didn't hear from him. So I texted him at 8 pm and said that we were back home and maybe some other night. He was still at work and ended up calling me and we had a conversation about his original douchebag text message.
He apologized for not saying those things to me in person, or at least over the phone and said that he still has mixed feelings towards me. That sometimes he misses me but he doesn't want me to have to deal with those feelings. I told him that, as far as I am concerned, he made his decision and there's nothing further to discuss because I don't want to spend time with someone if he knows it isn't going anywhere. Let's face it, I don't need another Grey in my life. But I said that I would like for us to be friends and that I would be with the dog all week so we could get together some other evening after work. We'll see what happens.
The dog is lying on the couch and looks like he is passed out. It's about time!
pee break
Okay the puppy didn't really want to pee. He was just asking for some attention. I get that.
Anyway, I felt more comfortable in the fenced off-leash area at Allen Gardens compared to the off-leash area in his usual park. He got to run around and play with other dogs. I was hoping he would be more tired than he currently is but maybe he's just naturally spazzy. I'm exhausted and would love to go to bed now but I need to let him out again tonight so that I can hopefully sleep in a bit longer tomorrow morning. I think I woke up at 5 am and couldn't go back to sleep.
It was a long and somewhat ridiculous day. D for Disaster coworker guy sent me a kind of douche bag email last Friday. The subject line was "not for internal affairs..." and his email said "are you doing tonight? if you are not interested in going on a date..then maybe we could pivot for each other – divide and conquer."
I want to be friends, or at least have a good relationship, with this guy because we have to work together so closely but he is making it difficult to be professional around him. If I am being honest with myself, I do miss hanging out with him and talking to him a little bit. Anyway, I extended an olive branch and invited him out to walk the dog. He suggested dinner but I ignored that part of his email. Anyway, we texted back and forth a bit and he said he was working late but would come to the park when he was done but I didn't hear from him. So I texted him at 8 pm and said that we were back home and maybe some other night. He was still at work and ended up calling me and we had a conversation about his original douchebag text message.
He apologized for not saying those things to me in person, or at least over the phone and said that he still has mixed feelings towards me. That sometimes he misses me but he doesn't want me to have to deal with those feelings. I told him that, as far as I am concerned, he made his decision and there's nothing further to discuss because I don't want to spend time with someone if he knows it isn't going anywhere. Let's face it, I don't need another Grey in my life. But I said that I would like for us to be friends and that I would be with the dog all week so we could get together some other evening after work. We'll see what happens.
The dog is lying on the couch and looks like he is passed out. It's about time!
Monday, June 8, 2009
Happy Sunday
So, despite GH's request for a recap of my Saturday with Grey, I have decided not to share the lurid details. After all, is there any reason for it? We went for dim sum. We went for a ride on his Ducati. Really, really fast. But I trust him (yeah, I'm stupid, I get that) and I wasn't worried. We went back to his place and watched a movie. Frost/Nixon. And stuff. He was fine, mostly. And then he drove me home. I don't expect a phone call or anything. Ever.
I had a good Sunday as well. I went over to A's parents house for lunch instead of dinner and then spent the afternoon thesising. It was fairly productive and I got to May 6, 2008 in my lab book. I'm writing the methodology section by reading through my lab book from beginning to end. I hope to submit it it on Thursday afternoon or Friday. I hope. Not sure that it's possible but I am going to try.
Then I had dinner at a friend's place and met one of her new friends and it was nice. Right now, I'm going to lie on the couch with my last brownie and be a vegetable for a bit. Maybe a zucchini. Or a squash. Tomorrow I'm going to leave work at 5, come home and bake another tray of brownies, put on my thesis shoes and keep reading through my lab book. I'm actually thinking about taking a day off work this week but I'm not sure that's a good idea. It's tempting fate to take a sick day when you're not actually sick, right? Right.
I had a good Sunday as well. I went over to A's parents house for lunch instead of dinner and then spent the afternoon thesising. It was fairly productive and I got to May 6, 2008 in my lab book. I'm writing the methodology section by reading through my lab book from beginning to end. I hope to submit it it on Thursday afternoon or Friday. I hope. Not sure that it's possible but I am going to try.
Then I had dinner at a friend's place and met one of her new friends and it was nice. Right now, I'm going to lie on the couch with my last brownie and be a vegetable for a bit. Maybe a zucchini. Or a squash. Tomorrow I'm going to leave work at 5, come home and bake another tray of brownies, put on my thesis shoes and keep reading through my lab book. I'm actually thinking about taking a day off work this week but I'm not sure that's a good idea. It's tempting fate to take a sick day when you're not actually sick, right? Right.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Bed!
My bed is all set up and looks great! I'm so excited to go to bed tonight. I'm in my pjs and it's not even midnight yet. I'm hoping this bed will usher in a new era of better sleep. Fingers crossed.
I let 516 assemble it for me. I helped out but I wasn't the total controlling nazi that I would have been if someone else had been helping me. And he was really good about it. He was careful and thoughtful, read the instructions and corrected himself when he got something wrong. He was funny and I had a really good time with him. I promised I would feed him and we went for Indian. We talked a lot and I found myself thinking that I really like him. I hope we can be friends. He's clearly not interested though so maybe it's better if we're not friends. I have enough friends.
Anyway, it's going to be very busy for the next 24 hours. I'm not sure how I'm going to get everything done before I leave for NYC on Thursday morning. I'm feeling a bit anxious because I haven't started packing, I have no map or guide book and I haven't phoned my friend. But at least I have a brand new bed!
Night y'all.
I let 516 assemble it for me. I helped out but I wasn't the total controlling nazi that I would have been if someone else had been helping me. And he was really good about it. He was careful and thoughtful, read the instructions and corrected himself when he got something wrong. He was funny and I had a really good time with him. I promised I would feed him and we went for Indian. We talked a lot and I found myself thinking that I really like him. I hope we can be friends. He's clearly not interested though so maybe it's better if we're not friends. I have enough friends.
Anyway, it's going to be very busy for the next 24 hours. I'm not sure how I'm going to get everything done before I leave for NYC on Thursday morning. I'm feeling a bit anxious because I haven't started packing, I have no map or guide book and I haven't phoned my friend. But at least I have a brand new bed!
Night y'all.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Break
I'm feeling marginally better today. I was pretty exhausted yesterday and I needed a mental break from all of the office politics and fan-shit.
I just wish that I could reach out and ask someone for a hug. Or something. The worst part of being alone is that nobody in the world knows how much I am faking being okay.
Yesterday evening, I went to a Raptors Schmaptors game with my friend J. He is a good friend. There has never been anything more than friendship between us. I can talk to him and not worry about pretending to be someone different. But, more importantly, I can just sit and hang out with him without talking and that's just as okay as when we are talking. It was nice to just go to the game and watch it and only talk some of the time.
It was also somewhat comforting to know that he and his wife are not happily married in newlywed bliss. She doesn't work because he makes loads of money. They just bought a huge new house but she had no concept of a budget. The market is crap right now so they're not going to get what they expected for his condo. He seemed a bit stressed about the whole situation. It's not that I'm looking to replace her but I consider it validation of our friendship that he suggested she go to a movie with a friend while he was at the game with me. It was nice to feel like somebody wanted my company. Especially because I thought he would just disappear from my life post-wedding. Plus, the Raps won! Who knew they could do that??
It was also just nice to sit and watch the game with a man. There, I said it. It's so anti-feminist but it was comfortable.
I just wish that I could reach out and ask someone for a hug. Or something. The worst part of being alone is that nobody in the world knows how much I am faking being okay.
Yesterday evening, I went to a Raptors Schmaptors game with my friend J. He is a good friend. There has never been anything more than friendship between us. I can talk to him and not worry about pretending to be someone different. But, more importantly, I can just sit and hang out with him without talking and that's just as okay as when we are talking. It was nice to just go to the game and watch it and only talk some of the time.
It was also somewhat comforting to know that he and his wife are not happily married in newlywed bliss. She doesn't work because he makes loads of money. They just bought a huge new house but she had no concept of a budget. The market is crap right now so they're not going to get what they expected for his condo. He seemed a bit stressed about the whole situation. It's not that I'm looking to replace her but I consider it validation of our friendship that he suggested she go to a movie with a friend while he was at the game with me. It was nice to feel like somebody wanted my company. Especially because I thought he would just disappear from my life post-wedding. Plus, the Raps won! Who knew they could do that??
It was also just nice to sit and watch the game with a man. There, I said it. It's so anti-feminist but it was comfortable.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Yakkety yak, don't talk back?
I sent this email to A earlier in the day. She emailed me venting that her current romantic interest is a bit stoic and she worries he can't be there for her emotionally.
__________________________________________________________________________
Well, only you can decide what, or who, is best for you. You might have to accept though that you won't find a man while you're living in the UK who is able to be there emotionally for you. The Brits just aren't like that. I'm sure you've said the same of [her British aunt] right? (Insert [our mutual friend's] voice here telling you to move back). I'm not sure that North American men are that much better though.
I've thought for some time now that women have too high expectations of men. I really don't believe that it's possible for a man to be everything to a woman, especially the emotional support that we need daily. That's what girlfriends are for. I think that, once you accept that, it's much easier to give guys (not just boyfriends but all men friends in general) a break for not being able to articulate themselves about everything the way we do.
When I think about the one or two women I know who are truly happy in their relationships, I realize it's because they don't have unrealistic expectations of their husbands to be the sole person in their lives from whom they derive all levels of support - physical, emotional and spiritual. I always use Mrs Happy as a good example. She and Mr Happy hang out, they're friends, they're comfortable with each other and they don't fight. He cooks and cleans and does the dishes. He shovels snow and cleans the car and drives her around places. He's there for her when she has family responsibilities. He basically does just about anything she asks but is never a doormat. The one thing though that has always struck me about them is this: Mrs Happy doesn't sit around and chat to Mr Happy about everything the way she does with me and Baby. In fact, when we do that, Mr Happy usually leaves the room. Men aren't programmed evolutionarily for that type of interaction. I have stopped expecting it from just about all men.
There's a way to have a conversation with a guy friend about "chick" stuff that doesn't leave them feeling completely overwhelmed and I find those types of interactions satisfying in a different way. It's a way to "vent" about stuff without getting worked up or upset. It's not as cathartic as talking to girlfriends but it usually gives me a different - more realistic - perspective on the situation. I never get the same type of support from J or My Married Friend or any of my guy friends that I do from you or Baby or Mrs Happy . So why would I expect it from a boyfriend?
I can talk to C le V for an hour about random stuff and he does make me laugh but I'm not going to waste that hour talking about my feelings unless they pertain directly to the way he made me feel. I always call you or Baby if I need to talk about feelings crap before I talk to C le V. Maybe that means I have settled but I'm okay with that. I don't expect him to know how to make me feel better by saying the right thing at the right time. I'm starting to think that's an unreasonable expectation to have of any man. That's what my girlfriends are for.
I really think you should read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. The first chapter alone is worth spending the half hour to understand how men's brains work (or don't, as the case may be!)
Anyway, I'm actually going back to bed. I've been up for an hour working but I'm freezing and still not feeling 100%. I'm going back to bed for a bit in the hope that I will be more productive mid morning.
Talk tomorrow?
Me
__________________________________________________________________________
Well, only you can decide what, or who, is best for you. You might have to accept though that you won't find a man while you're living in the UK who is able to be there emotionally for you. The Brits just aren't like that. I'm sure you've said the same of [her British aunt] right? (Insert [our mutual friend's] voice here telling you to move back). I'm not sure that North American men are that much better though.
I've thought for some time now that women have too high expectations of men. I really don't believe that it's possible for a man to be everything to a woman, especially the emotional support that we need daily. That's what girlfriends are for. I think that, once you accept that, it's much easier to give guys (not just boyfriends but all men friends in general) a break for not being able to articulate themselves about everything the way we do.
When I think about the one or two women I know who are truly happy in their relationships, I realize it's because they don't have unrealistic expectations of their husbands to be the sole person in their lives from whom they derive all levels of support - physical, emotional and spiritual. I always use Mrs Happy as a good example. She and Mr Happy hang out, they're friends, they're comfortable with each other and they don't fight. He cooks and cleans and does the dishes. He shovels snow and cleans the car and drives her around places. He's there for her when she has family responsibilities. He basically does just about anything she asks but is never a doormat. The one thing though that has always struck me about them is this: Mrs Happy doesn't sit around and chat to Mr Happy about everything the way she does with me and Baby. In fact, when we do that, Mr Happy usually leaves the room. Men aren't programmed evolutionarily for that type of interaction. I have stopped expecting it from just about all men.
There's a way to have a conversation with a guy friend about "chick" stuff that doesn't leave them feeling completely overwhelmed and I find those types of interactions satisfying in a different way. It's a way to "vent" about stuff without getting worked up or upset. It's not as cathartic as talking to girlfriends but it usually gives me a different - more realistic - perspective on the situation. I never get the same type of support from J or My Married Friend or any of my guy friends that I do from you or Baby or Mrs Happy . So why would I expect it from a boyfriend?
I can talk to C le V for an hour about random stuff and he does make me laugh but I'm not going to waste that hour talking about my feelings unless they pertain directly to the way he made me feel. I always call you or Baby if I need to talk about feelings crap before I talk to C le V. Maybe that means I have settled but I'm okay with that. I don't expect him to know how to make me feel better by saying the right thing at the right time. I'm starting to think that's an unreasonable expectation to have of any man. That's what my girlfriends are for.
I really think you should read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. The first chapter alone is worth spending the half hour to understand how men's brains work (or don't, as the case may be!)
Anyway, I'm actually going back to bed. I've been up for an hour working but I'm freezing and still not feeling 100%. I'm going back to bed for a bit in the hope that I will be more productive mid morning.
Talk tomorrow?
Me
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Oh dear...
I ended up partying tonight. It's Wednesday! Well, technically I suppose it's Thursday. Ouch, this is going to hurt in the morning. We started at Spice Route and then ended up at lobby. The vodka-cran would have been okay... if it hadn't been for the mystery vodka shots with lime around midnight. And it's too late to place a booty call! I need a younger booty buddy. Someone who answers his phone after midnight. Urgh...
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Monday meh
It occurs to me how anticlimactic this Montreal trip was. It was supposed to be different. Maybe not better, but there was supposed to be a more conclusive outcome. Wasn't there?
Nothing happened today. The Crush's "Will touch base w/u 2moro" didn't materialize. Surprise, surprise. Oh, I messaged The Other Guy asking if we should be facebook friends again after Friday night's vomit fiasco. He said yes on the basis that he clearly needs someone to periodically swab the decks. I am changing his name to Captain Vomit. He's a pirate. He probably thinks that makes me his wench.
Wait, there was one minor event this afternoon. I had coffee with my American buddy from school. He asked me if I would have dated him had he been single when we met. I refused to answer on the basis that there is nothing to be gained from hypothetical conjecture. Plus, his wife is lovely and I'm annoyed that he would even ask. I punched him which he took to be a good sign. Then I said "you interpret that whichever way will make you happiest my dear" which he took as a bad sign.
Nothing happened today. The Crush's "Will touch base w/u 2moro" didn't materialize. Surprise, surprise. Oh, I messaged The Other Guy asking if we should be facebook friends again after Friday night's vomit fiasco. He said yes on the basis that he clearly needs someone to periodically swab the decks. I am changing his name to Captain Vomit. He's a pirate. He probably thinks that makes me his wench.
Wait, there was one minor event this afternoon. I had coffee with my American buddy from school. He asked me if I would have dated him had he been single when we met. I refused to answer on the basis that there is nothing to be gained from hypothetical conjecture. Plus, his wife is lovely and I'm annoyed that he would even ask. I punched him which he took to be a good sign. Then I said "you interpret that whichever way will make you happiest my dear" which he took as a bad sign.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Montreal highlights and lowlights
I just spent 2 hours on the phone with The Other Guy. I really like talking to him. Enough that The Crush's company pales in comparison. Here are the weekend highlights. And some very lowlights.
Friday
Made good time to Montreal with the princesses. Road trip was fun but was very nervous at prospect of seeing The Other Guy.
Got upgraded to an outrageously awesome suite.
Looked hot.
Went to a gorgeous apartment in the gay neighbourhood for drinks.
The Other Guy was there. It was marginally uncomfortable but I distracted myself by playing with the hostess's teacup Yorkshire terrier.
Went to La Mouche. Danced with fabulously hot stomp dancer. Talked to a tall, dark and handsome man briefly.
The Other Guy got wasted, was obnoxious, hitting on me and everyone else, including the hostess with the teacup Yorkshire terrier. Her boyfriend and his entourage was unimpressed. As was I.
Shouldered the responsibility of getting him home before he got us all kicked out and/or in a fight with the guys we were with. Missed out on saying goodnight to tall, dark and handsome man.
While in the cab and on the walk home, The Other Guy proposed marriage and some other unsavoury (albeit interesting) things. Was too focused on making sure he remained upright to pay any real attention.
Spent the next two hours making sure he didn't aspirate his own vomit and mopping up said vomit. It's hard to roll a 167 lb man onto his side.
Called The Crush. He showed up with their friend The Player to rescue me. Was profusely grateful.
Got back to my hotel at 4.30 am.
Saturday
Woke up and dealt with the aftermath of Friday night.
Went to breakfast with The Crush and our respective entourages while The Other Guy stayed home. Spoke to him on the phone though and filled in some gaps.
Walked halfway across downtown (uphill to St Laurent) in search of bagels. Only realized after an hour that The Crush had not actually GoogleMapped the address and had only a vague idea of where he was taking us.
Put the pissed off princesses in a cab and went back to the hotel for a nap.
Got ready for Saturday night. Looked *OUTRAGEOUSLYHOT*. Seriously.
Went to a fabulous sushi place. Was reminded that The Other Guy tried to kiss the hostess with the teacup Yorkie.
Played bad cop and uninvited The Other Guy. Felt shitty. Was not sufficiently entertained by The Crush to take my mind off it.
Went to W. Felt inhibited by The Crush's sister. Not that there was anything specific. Just felt unflirty while she was sitting next to him.
Danced with stomp dancer from Friday night. Felt significantly better. Got very sweaty. Ended up having a great time.
Sunday
Woke up, packed, rolled out after successfully locating the bagel place on St Viateur.
Made it home in good time but all the while missing The Other Guy and disappointed that I didn't get to see him after Friday.
Exchanged text messages with The Crush. He was too tired to come over tonight.
Watched a ton of CSI NY while trying not to fall asleep.
Received phone call from The Other Guy at 10.30 pm.
Talked and laughed. A lot. Felt confused but happy. Sort of.
Hung up phone at 12.30.
Wrote blog entry.
Sigh. Why are men so useless? Scumbags even? He was sufficiently thankful and sorry for the Friday night fiasco. But I'm more disappointed that the chemistry with The Crush seems to be dying. It may be related to his general disorganization and lack of planning. Also, he still doesn't make me laugh.
I'm not sure if I can be friends with The Other Guy. He does things to me. Makes me laugh and miss him. I guess I have feelings for him and I don't think I can handle a friendship at this point. If I ever speak to him again, I may have to tell him that. Is it okay for me to tell him that? Plus, it's not really fair to The Crush. Maybe I shouldn't be dating him either. Maybe I'm not really even dating him! We're definitely sliding into the friend zone. Perhaps it's time for a boy hiatus.
Friday
Made good time to Montreal with the princesses. Road trip was fun but was very nervous at prospect of seeing The Other Guy.
Got upgraded to an outrageously awesome suite.
Looked hot.
Went to a gorgeous apartment in the gay neighbourhood for drinks.
The Other Guy was there. It was marginally uncomfortable but I distracted myself by playing with the hostess's teacup Yorkshire terrier.
Went to La Mouche. Danced with fabulously hot stomp dancer. Talked to a tall, dark and handsome man briefly.
The Other Guy got wasted, was obnoxious, hitting on me and everyone else, including the hostess with the teacup Yorkshire terrier. Her boyfriend and his entourage was unimpressed. As was I.
Shouldered the responsibility of getting him home before he got us all kicked out and/or in a fight with the guys we were with. Missed out on saying goodnight to tall, dark and handsome man.
While in the cab and on the walk home, The Other Guy proposed marriage and some other unsavoury (albeit interesting) things. Was too focused on making sure he remained upright to pay any real attention.
Spent the next two hours making sure he didn't aspirate his own vomit and mopping up said vomit. It's hard to roll a 167 lb man onto his side.
Called The Crush. He showed up with their friend The Player to rescue me. Was profusely grateful.
Got back to my hotel at 4.30 am.
Saturday
Woke up and dealt with the aftermath of Friday night.
Went to breakfast with The Crush and our respective entourages while The Other Guy stayed home. Spoke to him on the phone though and filled in some gaps.
Walked halfway across downtown (uphill to St Laurent) in search of bagels. Only realized after an hour that The Crush had not actually GoogleMapped the address and had only a vague idea of where he was taking us.
Put the pissed off princesses in a cab and went back to the hotel for a nap.
Got ready for Saturday night. Looked *OUTRAGEOUSLYHOT*. Seriously.
Went to a fabulous sushi place. Was reminded that The Other Guy tried to kiss the hostess with the teacup Yorkie.
Played bad cop and uninvited The Other Guy. Felt shitty. Was not sufficiently entertained by The Crush to take my mind off it.
Went to W. Felt inhibited by The Crush's sister. Not that there was anything specific. Just felt unflirty while she was sitting next to him.
Danced with stomp dancer from Friday night. Felt significantly better. Got very sweaty. Ended up having a great time.
Sunday
Woke up, packed, rolled out after successfully locating the bagel place on St Viateur.
Made it home in good time but all the while missing The Other Guy and disappointed that I didn't get to see him after Friday.
Exchanged text messages with The Crush. He was too tired to come over tonight.
Watched a ton of CSI NY while trying not to fall asleep.
Received phone call from The Other Guy at 10.30 pm.
Talked and laughed. A lot. Felt confused but happy. Sort of.
Hung up phone at 12.30.
Wrote blog entry.
Sigh. Why are men so useless? Scumbags even? He was sufficiently thankful and sorry for the Friday night fiasco. But I'm more disappointed that the chemistry with The Crush seems to be dying. It may be related to his general disorganization and lack of planning. Also, he still doesn't make me laugh.
I'm not sure if I can be friends with The Other Guy. He does things to me. Makes me laugh and miss him. I guess I have feelings for him and I don't think I can handle a friendship at this point. If I ever speak to him again, I may have to tell him that. Is it okay for me to tell him that? Plus, it's not really fair to The Crush. Maybe I shouldn't be dating him either. Maybe I'm not really even dating him! We're definitely sliding into the friend zone. Perhaps it's time for a boy hiatus.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Milestone passed
Is it pathetic that I was sad that I had nobody to help me carry balloons, birthday cake and leftovers up from the underground parking today? I found it overwhelming to be the centre of attention at my birthday "party". On top of having to control my temper with my mother and failing miserably at that early in the evening, being inhibited by her presence was just exhausting. But I am very touched that three of my girlfriends went to such efforts on a Monday evening. I had pink balloons, pink cake and a gift card for the mall. I am debating actually purchasing this outfit.
Okay the website is taking forever. Let's just say it's an outrageously HAWT pant suit. Yes people, I said a pant suit. The pants and the top are actually attached! The thing is, I put it on and looked totally smoking. I am thinking of spending $140 I don't have on the damn thing. I had to walk over to the men's section of the store to have my ass scanned as the bar code had fallen off and every single male head turned to stare. That has never happened to me before. Two guys walked by and said "that's beautiful". That has happened before though ;)
So I walked away knowing that it would still be there tomorrow. I might go to a different store to visit it again. Maybe take a friend.
Other than that, the day was relatively uneventful. I went to pick up my gift from the Government of Ontario. They charged me $134 for my vehicle registration renewal which was charming. I must remember to put the sticker on next time I drive my car. Then I came home after much fruitless shopping for a not-black dress for Baby's wedding (her mother is superstitious so I thought I would make an effort to at least look for another dress). Talked to X on the phone for a while about Halloween, weddings and random crap.
Tomorrow I really must pretend to work on my thesis. Pilates class in the evening is followed by a "meet" - I am no longer referring to them as dates - with another random PoF guy. We talked on the phone and he sounded normal. Not that that's an indication of anything, clearly. Also, one of the guys from Saturday night sent me a fb message. Yay the miracle worked! But it was the cute one, not the chemical one. Sigh. Oh well, it's early yet in dating time right? Maybe he'll reach out later in the week.
Just got an email from my former Valentine. Do normal people consider 256 a nice round number? Hell yes! I must come up with a new name for him.
Okay the website is taking forever. Let's just say it's an outrageously HAWT pant suit. Yes people, I said a pant suit. The pants and the top are actually attached! The thing is, I put it on and looked totally smoking. I am thinking of spending $140 I don't have on the damn thing. I had to walk over to the men's section of the store to have my ass scanned as the bar code had fallen off and every single male head turned to stare. That has never happened to me before. Two guys walked by and said "that's beautiful". That has happened before though ;)
So I walked away knowing that it would still be there tomorrow. I might go to a different store to visit it again. Maybe take a friend.
Other than that, the day was relatively uneventful. I went to pick up my gift from the Government of Ontario. They charged me $134 for my vehicle registration renewal which was charming. I must remember to put the sticker on next time I drive my car. Then I came home after much fruitless shopping for a not-black dress for Baby's wedding (her mother is superstitious so I thought I would make an effort to at least look for another dress). Talked to X on the phone for a while about Halloween, weddings and random crap.
Tomorrow I really must pretend to work on my thesis. Pilates class in the evening is followed by a "meet" - I am no longer referring to them as dates - with another random PoF guy. We talked on the phone and he sounded normal. Not that that's an indication of anything, clearly. Also, one of the guys from Saturday night sent me a fb message. Yay the miracle worked! But it was the cute one, not the chemical one. Sigh. Oh well, it's early yet in dating time right? Maybe he'll reach out later in the week.
Just got an email from my former Valentine. Do normal people consider 256 a nice round number? Hell yes! I must come up with a new name for him.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
