My back hurts

So this will not be a very long post. I should be writing a paper to justify my thesis research but I've done nothing for the last ten days because I am completely and utterly unmotivated and I deserve to fail out of grad school. I just can't seem to wrap my head around this. Most of the time, I have sat at my desk groaning and muttering to myself. I finally did a bit today because I'm starting to feel a bit of pressure.

Last night, I felt obligated to go out and meet a friend who I haven't seen since I moved back. I didn't have the greatest time but I did pick up bubble tea afterwards so that was yummy in my tummy. Then I thought I was going out tonight but those plans fell through. Actually, both sets of plans fell through. But I did some work this afternoon thinking that I was going. And then a third group of friends called to say they were going salsa dancing. I sort of wanted to go and, if they had picked my up, I probably would have. But their car was full and I can't handle driving to, and showing up at, a club by myself. Not to mention paying for cover just isn't in the budget. And because I'm taking pain killers, I wouldn't be drinking. Or, more likely, I would have had a drink because I can't deal with dancing with strangers while sober. But the whole drinking, driving, prescription painkillers combo... I think I made a good decision out of fear and laziness tonight. Yay, me.

I should email B to tell him I'm going to bed, then prop my knees up on some pillows and read until I fall asleep or I hear the sound of an MSN message come through my headphones. We had big fights this week and required arbitration by Fiona and she really did help. I'm a bit concerned (that's secret code for jealous) that they are now facebook friends and have each other on MSN but I'm sure I have nothing to worry about. He really is so good to me. I don't deserve him.

I am sick of myself

I am a bad person. I don't deserve to be loved. I am my mother's daughter. She is a mean and nasty and bitter and resentful person. She made me the way that I am and I don't know how to change. Sometimes that makes me cry but most of the time it just makes me want to kill myself.

Back

I'm back. The daily grind has been more hectic than anything else.

Two Fridays ago, I wrote my last exam ever, I think. I hope I don't do something crazy and actually enrol in any more courses next year. I was excited to take all of these courses but I have to say that I have been disappointed by the level of teaching at this university. Two of the five courses have been enjoyable. That is to say, stimulating and challenging and rewarding. Three have been stressful for no reason other than the professor was a tyrannical grumpus. Oh, it's just occurring to me that I have enjoyed the courses taught by female professors but not by male professors. Hmm...

I am supposed to be starting on my thesis proposal but I just can't seem to motivate myself. The weather has turned all nice and sunny. I'm appreciative of this. Normally I would wish it to be cold and grey and rainy but I'm enjoying the heat and the light. Damn this province. I need to get away from here quickly. I was sick when I wrote that exam and the cough won't go away. I've been taking cough syrup with codeine but I think that that one little teaspoon taken at night makes me groggy and lethargic for 24 hours. I didn't take it last night but I did sleep a lot today. I also got my period two weeks early. Just after B left, there was a clot of very red blood, about the size of a my fingernail. I don't want to think about what it might have been. I have been very unproductive for over a week now.

I have a week left to do my taxes. I hate taxes. I am having dim sum tomorrow morning so that may motivate me to come home and be productive. It's unlikely but you never know. I suppose I could always nap away the afternoon.

Monday afternoon I am driving X's parents home from the hospital. X's dad will be having his second radiation treatment. I have never seen anyone after a radiation treatment and I'm worried how he will look and feel and my reaction to that and also whether or not he will be uncomfortable squashed into my small car. Perhaps that is trivial but there will be the usual QEW traffic so the drive home could be an hour if not more, even though the distance is a scant 25 km or less.

Tuesday I think I will go into the office to check out my new cubicle. I'm very excited about this even though I only plan to be in the office one day a week, if that. If it's a window, I might consider going in on weekends. Too bad the office is so far away. Rather, too bad gas is so damn expensive. Anyway, I'll deal with that later.

I'm going to the Bahamas again in 25 days. B's best friend is getting married and they invited me to the wedding. B said that this was an important enough event that he wants me to be there so he paid for the flight and I'll pay him back when I get down there. I'm excited and nervous and distracted. I'm looking forward to it, I think.

He was very good to me while he was here. He bought me a ring and a new pair of Skechers and paid for groceries for the party and bought me my new shiny Brita filter. He took me out to breakfast and lunch and dinner. He cuddled and caressed and cooked. He stayed out of my way when I was studying and quietly let me sleep in. And I was a complete and total raving bitch. I was sleep-deprived and stressed and awful to him. I was anxious to be gone when I dropped him off at the airport so that I could finish my paper and start studying. I was happy to have my bed back with my clean 983742 thread count sheets and all my pillows to myself. I eradicated all traces of boy from the apartment the weekend after he left. Perhaps I don't deserve him.

Things have been a bit rough with us. I guess I'll be honest here because it's my blog and because nobody is reading it. I'm not sure if I can go through with this. I want to but I'm not sure if I love him. I have told him that I do. I know, it's an awful thing to confess. But he wanted to hear it, he needed to hear it, so I said it. But I don't even know what it means to love anymore. And I'm beginning to think that I never knew what it meant. I think about X sometimes and I wonder if we loved each other. Sometimes I still cry when I think about him and I regret what happened. I miss him. I know now that I pushed him away and everything fell apart because he didn't have the strength or the desire to resist. Perhaps it was the right decision but I'm not sure if I will ever be convinced of that and I don't think that I will ever get over it.

I think about my Valentine and how I almost believed that he was strong enough to be my man. But he wasn't. He left like all the rest. When I pushed him away. After weeks and months of being a terrible person. I miss him too. The way he always knew how to make me laugh. The way that he would call me on it when I was full of shit. The way that he wanted to be good at salsa dancing so that he could show me off and show off to me. The way that he said, "come on, you can talk to me."

And I push B away. Hard. And often. I can't figure out if I'm sabotaging this, as I do with everything. Or maybe in my soul I don't feel that this is right and that's why I push him away. I argue with him over trivial matters. Sometimes it even seems trivial at the time but I can't let it go. The way that he communicates. The insensitive things that he says. And I'm unable to distinguish the things that trigger my emotions and separate out what is rational and logical from the irrational and emotional. It's unfair to him but I don't know how to change my responses and my reactions.

I know that I push. I push hard and I'm not a nice person. So far he has said that he wants to work on it, that he knows that it won't be easy, that he won't let me go, that I'm stuck with him. Is that what I want? What I need? Am I that kind of woman? I think so. I want him to hold on and not let go while I push and struggle and scream and cry. I want him to break through to the other side. I need him to prove to me that this is what he really wants. And that's the only way I think I will believe that he's sincere.

I know, it's a terrible thing. I don't know what happened in my past to make me this person. I want to be a different person. I want to be nice and sweet and sensitive and caring and generous. I want to love myself the way that he clearly loves me but I don't know how. I wonder, until I can love myself, how can I love anyone else? And I think, how can I expect anyone else to love me, if I can't love myself? Is this the ultimate vicious cycle?

My tummy hurts but I yam okay with that today

It is April
It is snowing
It is 2.15 am as I start to write this
I yam swamped
I am tired
My tummy hurts
B is asleep on the couch
He is snoring
I would rather be asleep as well
Or at least pretending to sleep while he snores in my ear
I yam very sleep deprived
I am trying to fix my model that didn't work when I presented it in class on Monday
It is now worse
I have an entire paper to write before the 12th
I have an exam on Friday the 13th
I hope it will be my last exam ever
I don't know when I will get all of this work done
He leaves on the 12th
I am easily distracted by the shiny pretty thing on my hand
I got it yesterday
It came from a nice shiny store in Yorkville
In a blue box with a white ribbon
I like to look at it often
It is slightly too large for my finger
It is supposed to be "a taste of things to come"
And a gift to say thanks for making him so happy
I yam happy too
And not just because shiny pretty things make me happy
Now I know what all those crazy married people were talking about
It's true
You just know
I yam going to wake him up and tuck him into bed
I yam going to lie in bed next to him listening to snoring and wondering WTF is wrong with my goddammutherfukking model.