Setback

I fired my realtor today. At least, I didn't *fire* him. I lied about my reasons for not seeing more places for the next couple of weeks. He has slipped a few times already and we have only been working together for 10 days. I don't intend to continue working with him. It's sorta like dating, I guess. I just want it to be over but I don't have the balls for the unpleasant honesty.

So there's a week gone in the quest to be not homeless. It feels like a setback but that's because I'm impatient and unhappy, unsettled and frustrated and lonely. I miss my shoes. And my bed. My pillow and sheets and kitchen utensils and did I already mention my shoes?

It's not really a setback though. I learned quite a few things. But I realize that I am officially a high-maintenance first-time home buyer. And I'm completely overwhelmed at the thought of doing this all on my own. MFV says I can talk to him but I can't. He's too busy at work to email me back and it's too late in the evening for us to have a reasonable conversation by the time he's home and has had dinner. I am tired and sad. I want him to move here so we can be together but I'm too scared to hope for that.

Fortunately work is an escape, though not having enough to do makes the time pass slowly. I think I have enough to do tomorrow that it should go by faster. And I think I'm going to get a new phone. I'm going to try out the iPhone for two weeks and if I can't handle the touch screen, the store manager will let me switch to the Blackberry. Many people tell me that I will never leave the iPhone once I get used to it. So I guess I have a date with my new iPhone tomorrow night. That, at least, feels like progress. I do need a new phone and, considering how much I am paying for just minutes now, I might as well get some fun stuff out of it.

Toronto

We made a decision today. We decided that I should accept the job in Toronto and we would try to make it work. He has applied to a couple of jobs and even bounced around the idea of a PhD. I am happy about the new job but sad to leave Vancouver again. I know I am going to be a wreck when it's time for me to leave him but I feel comforted that he cares enough to think about moving across the country so we can be together. Even if he's just lying to me to make me feel better.

On Tuesday night, we actually decided to stay in Vancouver. We flipped a coin and it came up heads. Since we're in Vancouver already, I decided that heads should be the default ie Vancouver. But it just didn't feel right. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I worked so hard for that job and then got it after so much drama and crap. It wouldn't have felt right not to take the opportunity. It didn't sit right with me and I spent all day Wednesday thinking about the woman I have become. That woman can't walk away from this job opportunity. She might be alone at 43 but she is always going to put her career over a man, especially a fledgling relationship, even though he is her BFF(WB).

So, I'm happy, if just for the moment. I am sure that it will be fleeting, if only because happiness in my life usually turns out to be elusive. But I have two weeks to enjoy our time together before I start feeling miserable and lonely again. And then the rest of my life to regret leaving him here to meet someone younger, hotter and better than me.

Always the optimist, never the butterfly.

Procrastination

The other job called and emailed this morning while I was sleeping in on my last real day off. I haven't called or emailed back yet. I'm not sure why I'm putting this off. I wanted that job. The past tense being the key here. Do I still want that job? Do I want to live in Toronto? I'm happy here, but maybe it's because I'm homeless and crashing with MFV. This idyllic little setup can't last forever so eventually I'll be on my own again with all the regular anxiety and stress and loneliness. So, where would I rather be miserable? Here where it's rainy (which makes me happy) or there with my girlfriends (who at least fill the void sometimes). I should call the HR Manager back and find out what's going on. But first I'm going to take a long, hot shower and think.

Progress

I have made some progress since Monday morning. My group here in BC has given me a deadline of next Friday (that's March 19). If I don't have an offer from the other job in front of me next Thursday, I will just stay in Vancouver and be happy with that decision. In the meantime, I will be volunteering at the Paralympics as a driver up in Whistler. I have been scheduled for five 10-hour shifts every other day starting on Saturday. Plus 4 hours travel time from Vancouver and I'm going to be one very tired puppy. I probably won't see MFV a whole lot either since my shifts are from 2.30 pm to 12.30 am. I just hope I don't get stranded in Whistler! The last bus down to Vancouver is at 11.30 pm so I'm hoping that they let us out of these super late shifts a little early. If not, I guess I'm sleeping in the shuttle van!

I'm actually very excited about this. It's funny how things worked out. I actually thought on the flight to Vancouver, "well it's too late for me to volunteer for the Olympics but I wonder if they still need volunteers for the Paralympics?" For once the Universe is working in my favour. Thank you, Universe.

Still unemployed and homeless

Not that I was expecting anything to change over the weekend, but I'm still in my pjs at 11 am, sitting on MFV's couch not earning my keep. We're having lunch at noon (although I'm not sure how that will work since it's No Talking Mondays) which will likely be the highlight of my day. On Friday afternoon, I went to the office to talk to my group manager and they're thinking about putting me on the payroll temporarily starting next week. Apparently I am just not able to take time off like a normal person. I was inventing lists of things to do for myself last week. Today, (un)fortunately, I forgot to the sign back a page of the eleventy page background check form so I have to print, sign and courier it back to them this afternoon. Also, I got a call from the people who are organizing the Paralympic games yesterday and they are looking for volunteers so I'm hoping to get involved with that for a few days next week. Okay, I better put on my big girl pants so that I can at least have a productive afternoon.

Sunny and 8 degrees... and boring

Oh dear, I have taken one full day off and I'm bored out of my tree! Yesterday, I unpacked and got organized (I figure I will be here a while, regardless of which job offer I accept) and then I went to the beach and lay on a bench (and was chased off by a bunch of mean, angry old hobos) and read this book (thanks Seattle).

Just as I was writing that paragraph, I got a text message from a girlfriend to come over and hang out. I was going to make a list of things to do (groceries, laundry, download and photos, crossword puzzle etc) but now I guess I can procrastinate a bit longer :)

Homeless and unemployed

It's Friday morning at the end of a life-changing week. I'm sitting on Jesus' couch watching Olympic coverage. It's 9.30 am and I'm still in my pjs. I'm backing up my laptop in case I have to give it back while I'm in BC. My stuff is in Mr and Mrs Happy's basement - thank God for them - and my car is with Baby's friend which is also a relief. A couple of the grad students helped keep me sane on moving day which was one of the longest days of my life. So I am now officially homeless. I will be unemployed at the end of next week so I guess that makes me a hobo. I have decided to stay in Vancouver indefinitely until I make a decision about work. I figure it makes more sense to be there where it's warm and I can at least get outside during the day. I'll be staying with MFV and we will hopefully not want to kill each other after a few days. If I decide to come back to Toronto, I will have nowhere to live so I'm not anxious to return until I have to. I am hoping to see King Tut before I leave so I should get moving with my morning. Next time I write will probably be the other side of our road trip to Oregon.

I'm not moving

Which is not to say I won't be homeless. I still have to be out of my apartment on Friday but now I don't know where I'm going. I am completely exhausted and overwhelmed and emotional and fighting off tears. The last few days have been an emotional roller coaster and it appears the ride is not over yet.

The short version is that I might be staying in Toronto. The new place is working on an offer but it won't be ready for a couple of weeks, maybe three. However, my new group manager in Vancouver is okay with that. I was completely floored and impressed at his reaction. He was totally supportive and said that I definitely would not burn a bridge by pursuing the other opportunity. It was such a generous, totally cool reaction. So now, I have some time to make a decision. I just hope it is the right one.

However, my movers are still coming tomorrow morning and I'm frantically trying to figure out what to do with my stuff. If the national movers take it, they will charge me $1500 to pack, load and store for 1 month. I hope I can find local movers to put it into storage in my friend's basement for a couple of months. I'm not sure what the penalty will be for not using the national movers. I'm not sure that will actually save me any money. But it seems like $1500 is a lot for 30 days of storage! This is the overwhelming part. But I'm still going to Vancouver on Friday, and to Oregon for the weekend, so it will just have to sort itself out somehow.

I am going to be relieved when I'm finally at the airport. I will probably be a basket case. And I can't wait to see MFV. I really need a hug.

My life in crazy

Remember when I interviewed for this job?

Well, the HR manager phoned on Friday and would like to discuss a permanent position. Now, pardon my francais, but fuck me! Since I last posted on this subject, I gave notice on my apartment (for the end of February), settled my start date in Vancouver (March 15), booked a flight (February 26), booked a trip to Oregon (via Seattle) for 4 days next weekend with MFV, started packing up and selling furniture and have had about a bajillion going away parties. The movers are coming on Wednesday to pick up my crap. I will be homeless after that. What do I do? I have spent the weekend feeling anxious and worried about this situation instead of enjoying the fact that I'm free of this office and project forever (except for Tuesday when I have to go in again and hand in my expenses).

Here is some background. When I declined the previous contract offer, I didn't find out details on salary, benefits, vacation etc because I knew I would not be happy in a contract position so it would have been a waste of time to even ask. On Friday, I didn't pick up her message until after 5 pm so I still don't know any of the details and therefore can't make any decisions until I know more. I have spent the weekend continuing to pack and purge and clean and sort in anticipation of a move to the west coast. I will call her first thing tomorrow morning to find out if we can meet and discuss details. In order for me to even entertain the idea of not moving to BC, she will have to put a written offer in front of me by the end of the day Monday. At the very latest, it will have to be Tuesday morning so that I can make a decision about my movers.

I did speak with someone who used to work in the organization and he told me some interesting recent back story. Apparently some higher up left and they're trying to reshuffle people around and up the food chain. The optics of hiring another person - just going through the whole interview process again - two months after having filled this position isn't good. If I had accepted the contract position, I would have been bumped into the full-time role which is why they're calling me now. Jesus (who works for the government too) says this is a kosher way to do things and is how the process would normally work so any offer they make me would be firm.

The thing is, the person I spoke to told me that he thinks they are looking for someone to take over a particular project. Specifically, this one. Now, when I heard about this project, my first thought was, "this is the one project I would stay in Toronto for". Ironic, no? Anyway, this project apparently has quite the negative reputation because it has virtually stalled and all the stakeholders are very unhappy. It sounds like the very situation I am trying to leave, except I would be working for this organization instead of my current company. But I still want to work on that project.

In addition to the above crazy statement, it's crazy for me to even think about not going to Vancouver at this point. It's almost past the point of no return. It's crazy to think about putting a potential relationship with MFV on hold again, although he has indicated he would be willing to consider moving here instead. It's crazy to think about permanently burning the bridge with the people who are expecting me to start work in three weeks. It's crazy to consider staying in this city which makes me crazy and not move to the City of the 2010 Winter Olympics. All this makes me a crazy person.

What should I do?

Last day

It's my last day. I'm not leaving the company, just the office. I have mixed feelings. I'm sad about leaving my group but can't take much more of the project. I have worked a lot of hours recently and I'm exhausted and there are still team members who bitch and moan in meetings and make me want to kill myself, despite the fact that I know that I'm leaving. I won't miss those people. But I will miss the girls. They're a highly intelligent, very personable bunch of women. Hopefully I don't cry in front of everyone.

NEW.RED.HIGH.HEELS

Oh yeha baby, my shoes arrived today! I am so excited. They are ridiculous shoes, much higher than I would normally wear and I wouldn't have bought them - despite their being on sale - if I wasn't already planning to wear them to another event in May.



















To be really honest though, I am more excited about the dress I'm going to wear. I have never in my life been excited to wear a stupid old dress. But this dress... well, I love it. I LOVE IT. I am so excited I feel like I'm 7 years old again playing dress up in my mother's closet.




















I don't care that I will be solo. Actually, I'm almost looking forward to it. It's going to be a good night

I need a date

I need a date the evening of Friday February 6 at around 6 pm.

You will:

1. Drive
2. Be polite
3. Be witty
4. Be well-dressed
5. Behave
6. Be fed (your dinner and half of mine)
7. Be entertained (mildly)
8. Bemused, when I explain I found you on dial-a-date. Well, come on, I can't tell my coworkers I have a blog!
9. Berated when you dunk your head in the chocolate fountain

I will look fabulous.

First come, first served. Actually no, convince me. Okay, GO!

Okay, in all seriousness, I asked MFV and he originally said yes but has since changed his mind about coming to Toronto. I can't ask Jesus because my coworker (the one who introduced us) had invited him and has since uninvited him. How awkward would it be if *I* showed up with him?

Douchebaggery

Today I had a quick lunch with the Original Douchebag (he sat, I ate) and he was saying how he didn't do much over the holidays because all his friends are married now and he felt like a loser. His actual words were "so, I realized that I'm not actually a loser but I felt like a loser". Lol, who says that?? And he proposed that we should be closer friends from now on since we're both single. He was being totally creepy and weird. Ick. So I told him that I'm no longer single. He slammed his hand on the table and said, "dammit!" Uh, transparent much?? I should just have had lunch at my desk but Douchebag Beta asked me to go for lunch when I got in and I blew him off because he was a complete fu&ker the last time we didn't see each other*.

Then, this evening, despite being a complete gentleman and driving 45 minute to pick me up so I wouldn't have to deal with the broken subway after dinner, Jesus was kind of a jerk. He was patronizing and condescending and kept touching me in ways that were annoying. When I asked him to stop all of the offending behaviours, he laughed at me and continued to be patronizing. I mean, fine, the guy is older than me but I resent him treating me like a child. It's frustrating because I felt as though I was just starting to open up to him.

He also got me a gift. An expensive gift from Coach. Which was sweet. But he bought me a ponytail scarf. Only, I have short hair. Short, short hair. You know when Rihanna went super short? Yeah, ftw, right? WHAT am I going to do with a ponytail scarf??

Why do I attract weirdos and jerks?? I need a cookie. And a hug. A hug-flavoured cookie.

*I didn't post about this because it seemed like a waste of time in an otherwise perfectly good evening.

Going West

They called today about the job offer. They wanted to offer me the contract position. I declined because I am single, have one income keeping a roof over my head and would like to buy a more permanent roof over my head before I retire. I have no-one else to rely on for benefits or financial security. So I think I made the right decision.

I plan to accept the offer to move to BC next week, as soon as they have removed the clause about a 90-day probationary period. I anticipate this will not be a problem as I have been with the company for 8 years, almost 4 of which were in BC. I hope that is not a ridiculous assumption but I suppose I will find out.

In not entirely unrelated news, I hate new grocery stores. I wish all stores (at least all stores in a chain) were laid out the same way. But they aren't. I went in to Grey's usual store (because it's open 24 hours and on the way home from Baby's house) to buy juice, soy milk, yoghurt, noodles and bagels and it took me 3 circuits around the store. There were a ton of people doing inventory but nobody offered any assistance. Truth be told, I didn't ask because they all looked stoned. And then, of course, I had to bag my own crap using the self-serve check out. Apparently, if you leave your hand in the bag while you're scanning your items, the scanner doesn't work. Supremely fucked up. I think that I might hate all grocery stores right now.

It doesn't help that my stomach is killing me. Don't know why but I should go to bed.

Second interview

I'm drunk. I had two glasses of red wine with dinner and wow did I ever need those. I got drunk and silly with my coworker, one of the grad students and my coworker's friend. He is totally my type - older, glasses geeky and in finance. Uhhh hello?! Except, she already told me he's bad in bed. So I'm getting into my bed alone tonight. As I have done for weeks. The interview went... well, fuck, I really have no idea. The veep isn't the kinda guy who cracks a smile. Me, I'm frigging permasmile when I'm in loooove. No poker face here. Oh well, wait and see, I guess. I don't really know what I want anymore. So, here in my drunkenness I'm going to disclose personal information which I probably should not post on my blog.

BC offer: $X5K, 4 weeks vacation, $5K moving allowance, promotion
This job offer match: $X3K plus 4 weeks vacation or $X5K plus 3 weeks vacation. Actually, I really want $X5K plus 4 weeks but I am certain that's not an option. I also don't want the hassle of moving back out west, even though I want to live there and I want to be closer to MFV. And my family, obviously (blarf).

Faak

I just can't win. I heard back about the other job today. They want me in for a second interview with the veeps next week. The Universe appears to be screwing with me big time.

In entirely unrelated news, I had dinner with an old friend and her sister-in-law. Highlight of my evening was when the sister in law said, "I didn't get to talk to Ms B properly last time; she's funny!" I felt all warm and fuzzy inside. If you need context, my friend's brother asked why they included a tip line on the credit card receipt when they already added the service charge. My response? "It's for drunk people".

:)

I did it

I started the ball rolling on the contract negotiations. I emailed my old boss this evening to ask for more money and an extra week of vacation. I didn't want to negotiate with him unless I was serious about moving back to Vancouver. But I made my decision today. Tomorrow I have to phone my landlady. I should send her an email now though, before I forget.

Okay, that's done. It's official. I'm moving out of here, and hopefully either into a storage space or a new condo in February! Yipes.

I was really having trouble deciding. I emailed MFV to ask him why he wasn't texting me every two hours, "Mooove back to Vancouver" but he was busy at work and, while I was dancing in the dark in my living room - dancing helps me think - I realized that I had nobody to talk to. So I sent a text message to my sister: "Should I stay in Toronto or moove back to Vancouver". She replied, "Move back to Vancouver". So, while I was emailing my old boss, MFV messaged me, "Moove back to Vancouver". We'll see what happens with the negotiations this week.

I'm going to bed. I missed my bed all day today. Tomorrow, I will tell you all about the cool stuff I bought at the One of A Kind Show this weekend.

Wholly, entirely subjective

I'm having a better food day today than I have had in a long time (no thanks to work!) so I decided to blog about it.

Pre-breakfast: Sun Rype pressed apple juice. Yay BC :)
Breakfast: Decaf tall non-fat peppermint mocha. Okay fine it was a grande! But it's the only thing I love about Christmas.
Lunch: Pomegranate bran muffin, strawberry yoghurt, blueberries, raspberries.
Dinner: Salmon with dill and lemon, 350 degrees C in the toaster oven, approx. 20 mins; boiled green beans.
Dessert... brie and crackers, maybe? Maybe some chocolate digestives and milk.

This took planning and effort and, frankly, more time and energy than I have had in months. If only I could wake up every day without a headache and leave work at a reasonable hour (7 pm tonight). My tummy is happy today.

Oh, on a somewhat related note, I also had enough energy to wax my left leg. It was so ogopogo-hairy, though, that it hurt like a beyotch and now I'm too scared to do my right one. Maybe I'll save that one for tomorrow night!

Ugh

The interview was horrifying. Atrocious, appalling, cataclysmic.

No, actually, it wasn't. It went well, I think. BUT I don't think I will be receiving an offer. I miss the good old days when they used to offer you the job on the spot. At the end of my last interview, the office manager asked me, "so how much notice do you have to give??" Ya. Not this time. They said they would call me before the end of next week if they wanted me to come in for a second interview. So, I will make a decision about Vancouver on December 1.

Right now, though, I am going to put on my pjs and lie on the couch under a blanket, drink some 13 day old red wine and watch tv. And maybe pretend to study my camera manual. Cuz I a nerd like that.

Job interview

I could have prepared more efficiently. I could know more right now. I could care more. But frankly, all I want is to pack up and move back to Vancouver to be with my old group and move in with MFV. What the hell is wrong with me??