Going West

They called today about the job offer. They wanted to offer me the contract position. I declined because I am single, have one income keeping a roof over my head and would like to buy a more permanent roof over my head before I retire. I have no-one else to rely on for benefits or financial security. So I think I made the right decision.

I plan to accept the offer to move to BC next week, as soon as they have removed the clause about a 90-day probationary period. I anticipate this will not be a problem as I have been with the company for 8 years, almost 4 of which were in BC. I hope that is not a ridiculous assumption but I suppose I will find out.

In not entirely unrelated news, I hate new grocery stores. I wish all stores (at least all stores in a chain) were laid out the same way. But they aren't. I went in to Grey's usual store (because it's open 24 hours and on the way home from Baby's house) to buy juice, soy milk, yoghurt, noodles and bagels and it took me 3 circuits around the store. There were a ton of people doing inventory but nobody offered any assistance. Truth be told, I didn't ask because they all looked stoned. And then, of course, I had to bag my own crap using the self-serve check out. Apparently, if you leave your hand in the bag while you're scanning your items, the scanner doesn't work. Supremely fucked up. I think that I might hate all grocery stores right now.

It doesn't help that my stomach is killing me. Don't know why but I should go to bed.

Excruciating

Last night, I dreamed that I tried to set myself on fire. I think this thesis thing is making me insane.

My fb status update today was:

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This just sucks. Grad school. Thesis. Late nights. Tuition fees. Journal articles. Search boxes. Ref Works. Inter-library loan. Burning eyes. Sore neck. Tense shoulder. Aching back. No new shoes. Missed movies. Canceled plans. Tears on the page. Bruises from banging a highlighter on my forehead in the hopes of speeding up the process. Someone shoot me with an elephant tranquilizer so I never have to wake up.

Being a girl

GH suggested I turn these two lists into a blog entry so here it is. There was some sort of context related to my mother slamming my choice of wedding attire vs. the outfits I wore to my ex-boyfriend's ordination and reception today. (Please no wisecracks about my ex becoming a priest! We dated 14 years ago so it's ancient history).

The reason I prefer to wear a sari over a dress:

1. No hair removal (waxing, shaving, other godawful crap like that)
2. No pantyhose or thongs (ick). I accidentally bought a Lululemon thong this week and it was $14. $14!!! For butt floss!!! Augh.
3. No control top underwear or Spanx to suck and tuck in the jelly rolls. Control top is heinous.
4. I can eat as much as I want and just hike it up a bit when it starts to get tight ;)
5. I have a lot of saris and very few occasions to wear them.
6. I have like maybe 4 dresses. I never wear them. I don't feel comfortable in them. I don't know why.
7. They're much prettier than dresses.
8. I'm non-traditional in just about all respects so it's fun to dress traditionally when I'm around people who know my personality.
9. You can get away with fancier jewelry.
10. Nobody notices hair or make up or manicures or pedicures. So overall less work.

Now, the things that are bad about saris:

1. I don't *really* know how to put them on so they have a tendency to fall off when I dress myself.
2. It's nearly impossible (for me) to drive when wearing one
3. I can't walk as fast as I normally walk
4. Going to the bathroom is a giant pain in the ass (for me)
5. It's hard to dance
6. There's a lot of fabric (~30 yards) so it can get hot under there!

So today I went to church in the morning and then to the reception in the evening. For some reason, I thought it would be smart to shave my legs and wear a skirt. In the thunderstorms and hail. My toes were numb after standing in church for 2 hours. It was a full Catholic mass and then some. Augh.

This evening, I wore a black dress. I had to wear a thong. Friggin' hell those things are uncomfortable! I should have worn flats but I wore heels. Thankfully, Baby and Robert dragged me out but we couldn't get into The Courthouse so I was home and in my pjs before midnight. I'm going to bed right now.

Unattractive

I got up late this morning and didn't write to C le V so I decided to write this evening. Initially after I arrived home, I was feeling really dizzy so I lay down on the couch and ended up passing out for a couple of hours. Whenever that happens to me, I wake up groggy and lethargic.

I learned something else about myself too. I had trouble writing to him. The stuff I was thinking about wasn't something I felt ready to share on paper. Because, frankly, it's a bit humiliating and I don't want him to see my insecurity. I read through the last 4 days and realized that I sounded happier in the mornings compared to the way that I sounded this evening. The thing is, I wasn't unhappy when I was writing to him this evening. But I couldn't get the words to flow. I stopped and started several times. I think I was just tired and worn out. And I think I'm like that most evenings which is why I blog in the evening. I need the outlet. And maybe part of the reason that I am feeling insecure about him is because he's not here to talk to me in the evenings and reassure me that everything is okay.

And that's the part that sucks. I shouldn't need that reassurance. I should be confident all the time, not some needy, whining, clingy woman who needs to be emotionally propped up all the time. But why do I get this way? Is it because I'm tired? Or is there some weird psychological effect the darkness has on me? Do I get this way on long, sunny, summer evenings too? It was raining and foggy all day today and that made me happy (yes, I'm weird, I realize that).

Maybe the reason I'm still single at such an advanced age is because I'm cranky in the evening hours when I'm supposed to be relaxed and sociable. I feel as though I'm cranky all the time. I know I'm not a morning person. But now I'm not a night person anymore either. I feel like I suck all the time. Do I deserve to be alone because I'm not warm and comforting and peppy and shiny enough?

I said I wasn't unhappy before but I definitely am now. I'm going to go cry myself to sleep.

Gruntled

Ugh, I feel so gruntled today. I don't know what's wrong with me. Hormones maybe? I feel edgy and restless and exhausted and unfulfilled. I'm leaving in less than 2 weeks and I should have a crapload of work to do but I can't seem to get into it. Maybe I'll take tomorrow off and be a bum. After all, that's what I did all day yesterday. I went to work today but there wasn't too much for me to do. I don't want to spend any time with any of my friends either. I had dinner with J tonight and that was okay but only because he's low maintenance and doesn't require much conversation. Why can't I find a man like that? Just a guy who wants to have dinner and watch the game with me. Seriously, is that too much to ask??

Ugh, I'm going to bed.

Not feeling it

Ugh, I'm exhausted and haven't started packing or cleaning yet. Ugh. I'm really not mentally prepared for a weekend of hard partying, binge drinking and uncontrolled spending. On a slightly more positive note, I've decided which outfits to bring with me and didn't have to spend any money doing it. I think I'm going conservative clubby with a loose but low cut black chiffon tank top on Friday night for La Mouche and my classic black and white strapless number on Saturday for Buona Notte. Over jeans, naturally. The backup outfit is my LBD but I'd prefer to save that for The Crush's Christmas party in two weeks.

The girls almost convinced me to buy the crazy outrageously hot black pantsuit that I saw over a month ago. Actually, they did convince me and it wasn't until I took it to the seamstress in the mall that we realized there were tears down the back of the right calf where someone had obviously tried it on with stilettos. I'm glad I got a refund. I would have had a serious case of buyer's remorse when I got my credit card bill in a few weeks. It's bad enough that my bill this month is three times what it normally is because of my vehicle registration fee, plane ticket and myriad wedding-related charges.

Anyway, it looks as though the boys are joining us for dinner on Saturday. I hope they actually show up. I could care less about his entourage but it would be nice if The Crush was with me. I'm not anxious to see The Other Guy but I'll just have to deal with that when it happens. Hopefully with drink firmly in hand.

Frustraged

frustraged (adj): a sense of thwarted purpose causing fits of anger and leading to premature hair loss

I am getting really annoyed with my landlady. My bathroom faucet has been leaking for months so I have been shutting off the water under the sink when I'm not using it. With the really cold weather approaching, I'm getting tired of washing my hands in freezing cold water. I had bought a replacement faucet and was all prepared to phone the plumber. But she wants me to remove the existing faucet and take it to Home Depot to see if they will replace it. The problem is, I can't get it off the sink. I tried today but I can't figure it out. I can barely see anything because the sink is in the way. When I loosened one of the nuts, the pipes started dripping and I started to worry that I had actually made it worse because nothing else would give. I can't afford to have a leak. I'm rarely home and will be leaving for Montreal in a week. I think I will just call her tomorrow and tell her that I broke the pipes and now have a leak under the sink and am going out of town soon. Hopefully that will get her sufficiently alarmed that she will agree to let me just call the plumber and take care of it! Is that terrible? Sigh. I need a bicycle. I hate not being able to do absolutely everything myself and I have no-one to ask for help. The whole thing makes me so frustrated I could cry. Well, I am but I'm pretending not to.

Update: F*ck now I can't use the damn sink at all. I dismantled the drain and now I can't figure out how to get it back on. The pipes are dripping into the cabinet now. I put a bucket under there but I can't go to Montreal next weekend and leave it like that F*ckety f*ck.

Blarg

Pretending the bachelorette party isn't going to happen is not helping me figure out what to wear. I will be back momentarily. I also really have to pee.

So much for momentarily. I wish I was a tall, slender-muscled woman with larger-than-average breasts, a flat to concave stomach and a nice ass. Instead, I am short and more on the stout side than skinny. Fortunately, I was blessed with my dad's perky butt and not my mother's saggy one. There are only a handful of men on the planet that are aware of my breast size. And my doctor. I have good teeth and hair but people seem to take that for granted these days. Sigh. Enough of that. Wishing won't make it so.

The make up and photography trial was today. Make up was okay. Decent but not fabulous. Photographers are awesome. I'm looking forward to seeing the photos. If I still live in the province when they arrive! Is it wrong that I'm looking forward to getting the colour-coded spreadsheet from the photographer? I'm very behind on my own. Oh my God, it just arrived! So exciting! Must look at it before bed :)

Halloween schmalloween

Definitely this "holiday" is overrated. Someone please remind me to skip it next year. Baby and I spent most of the afternoon scouring stores for candy. Costco ran out. Walmart ran out. We had to go to Shopper's Drug Mart and their shelves were pretty bare by the time we got there at 5.30. Baby probably spent around $100 on candy and snack crap (Welsh's fruit chews, Reese's Snacksters, individual bags of Ruffles) from Costco and we ran out! Yes, that's right, we ran out of damn candy at about 8.30. I even had to give away the reserve stash I bought just for myself which sucks. Oh well, I need candy like I need another hole in my head.

We definitely had over 200 kids come by her house and it was overwhelming. Especially the older kids and teenagers who we had to turn away at the end so that we had candy left for the littlest kids. They were pretty cute and I understand dressing them up to go visit the neighbours. But some of the "kids" were bigger than me. Okay fine, I'm not that big myself but still. The worst was the 50-something year old woman who ran up to the door with her kids with her bag out. I gave her a pretty dirty look (good thing they're not my neighbours!) and she gave me a sheepish giggle. I still gave her candy but I wish I hadn't. Christ, some people have no shame. Delorean said she was probably going to sell it at her store later.

Anyway, after that we ordered pizza and sat in the dark until 10 pm. Then we went downtown for a drink at Milestone's. Man, it was insane. I have never seen downtown that busy in all my years of living in this city. I have to admit that I don't understand dressing up to go out clubbing. Maybe I'm just not very creative but I can't imagine spending time, energy and money on a costume that I'll wear once and then freeze my ass off standing in line to get into a club. I don't stand in line to get into clubs on regular days, let alone when I'm wearing a damn costume. I'm sure cover was jacked up last night. And there were some pretty outrageous costumes out there last night.

Anyway, I'm having lunch at A's parent's house and then driving my mother to her next port of call which happens to be the apartment of my favourite septuagenarians kitty corner to my place. "Fortunately" I seem to have lost my spare key.

My uterus is hiding

Yay, I'm home before midnight! There is no more effective birth control than a room full of screaming children. I thought that, if I showed up after 8, most people with kids would have left but I was wrong. They were still there and the kids were cranky and tired. When I walked in the door, I could have sworn there were more children than grown ups. There weren't but it really felt like it. My hostess warned me on the phone which was a good thing otherwise I would have been totally overwhelmed! Fortunately, most of the kids were gone by 9.30. I am very ambivalent about having children. I spent most of my 20s adamantly not wanting one. Then I met someone who made me think that having kids with the right man wouldn't be such a bad thing. Now, I doubt I will meet the right man so the thought of kids is just sheer insanity. Plus, I like my space and my time and my silence. I am a very selfish individual and I'm okay with that. Sadly though, I didn't have the energy or creative juices to carve a pumpkin this year. I thought about carving the company logo in a silent, ironic protest but then I realized I couldn't charge that time and would be "working" for free. Instead I sat on the couch and tried not to let the overwhelming baby-ness show too much on my face.

Grey's birthday

He spent it golfing. I spent it working, doing wedding crap and getting new tires. Yay new tires! Actually, it's a bit hilarious that I put BFGoodrich Touring tires on my Crapolla but wow do they ever rock! They're quiet and the car handles so nicely now. I almost went for a big drive but I think I'll save that for Sunday. Thank you Costco and Baby. I should really get my own membership. Anyway, $380 later and I'm satisfied. I don't even have to get them retorqued!

Now, I just want to spend the rest of the evening lying on the couch. I can't though. I have to go out. Stinkin' birthday parties. I should get in the shower and wash my hair and shave. I can at least manage that. I thought about stopping at Tom's Dairy Freeze on The Queensway on my way home. A hot fudge sundae would medicate my mood nicely. But I need ice cream like I need a new hole in my head. Sigh, what to wear?

Yannick Bisson is HAWT

I just saw the new CIBC commercial and had to rewind and start over. In fact, I may have to watch it several times. Yannick Bisson makes me want to rip my clothes off and hurl my naked body at him. Rowr.

There was an ugly wedding-related family politics incident involving one of Delorean's aunts. Apparently she had some issues about which of her three daughters got invited to the bridal shower and why. Not that I had anything to do with the bridal shower guest list. She was extremely rude to me, wouldn't let me finish my sentences and actually hung up on me. Twice. I ended up talking to Grey about it and he reminded me that she's probably one of those insane women who treat strangers like shit because it hasn't occurred to her that she will have to see me in a month at the wedding. He told me to let it just roll off. He was right and he actually made me feel better. It's like a minor miracle or something. Anyway, everything is fine now. I talked to Baby and she talked to the aunt and sorted it all out. I told her that I would no longer be dealing with that part of the family as I'm not equipped to deal with that level of family politics.

In totally unrelated news, it was election day today. Actually, now that I think about it, these two events are not totally unrelated. The election volunteers were rude and stupid too but looked like well-intentioned buffoons compared to raving psycho bitch aunt lady.

Anyway, my riding is not a swing riding and Bob Rae, the former premier of Ontario, is firmly entrenched, thanks, in part, to my vote in the by-election not so long ago. That was in March of this year. According to an online article in Metro News dated tomorrow morning (!), Bob Rae kept his seat today. I chose not to vote Liberal this time around, just to send a message. This was the vote breakdown, according to the CBC.

LIB	Bob Rae	18,535	53.10	Elected
CON	David Gentili	6,423	18.40
NDP	El-Farouk Khaki	5,254	15.05
GRN	Ellen Michelson	4,304	12.33
AAE	Liz White	131	0.38
COM	Johan Boyden	113	0.32
IND	Gerald Derome	91	0.26
ML	Philip Fernandez	56	0.16

I can't believe almost 300 people voted for those other parties. They would be:
Animal Alliance Environment (or Aliens Against Everything or Amphibians Anonymous Entertainment or something)
Communist Party of Canada
Independent
Marxist-Leninist

Anyway, back to Yannick for a little midnight snack.

Blue job

I am in desperate need of a husband. I need new tires for my poor little Crapolla. Last time I replaced my tires (back in 2004), I just walked into a Kal Tire and took whatever they gave me. I ended up spending $700 and got about 70,000 km out of them. Not good. It's mostly my fault for not rotating them and driving around with squishy tires. I'm a terrible car owner. I never wash it or vaccuum it or check the tire pressure or the oil. I have only ever taken it to the dealership for servicing. The only saving grace is that I usually do it within 30 days of when it should be taken in.

My poor little car has been very good to me. I have abused it a lot. Sometimes it thinks it's an SUV. Other times it thinks it's a Porsche. I push it as far as I can. I bought the car Thanksgiving 2000 because I was tired of my mother constantly screaming at me for using her car. I need a car to work. It's in my contract. My dad told me I had to buy a Toyota. I was going to buy a Sunfire or a Neon and run it into the ground but my dad put his foot down. He also paid the difference in price. I am lucky and I should treat my car better.

When I took my car in about a couple of weeks ago to have the tires rotated, the mechanic was very, very reluctant to let me drive away without replacing my tires. He kept yelling through the glass windows, "it's not safe!" My customer service rep, Mike, told me under no conditions was I to drive in snow. I need to get new tires very soonly.

My budget is about $85 per tire with free installation and rotation. Not easy to find. I need all-season tires. I know, they suck but I don't have room to store a second set of tires. I also don't want to put a touring or high performance tire on my poor little Crapolla. The mileage on my car is 130,000 km. I may not get another 100,000 km out of it. So why spend $120 per tire?

Kal Tire has the best warranty in North America. But they're charging an arm and a leg for it. I just went around the corner to Active Green + Ross and they have a couple of options. But they are only located in Ontario so what happens if I move back to BC? I went to my dealership too but I'm not going back there for tires. Their service is generally pretty crap. I hate taking my car there but it's the closest dealership and close to A's parents house. I was thinking about going to Crappy Tire (aka Canadian Tire) but I read a lot of poor reviews on their in-house brand. I haven't been into an actual automotive centre to talk to anyone just yet. Maybe I'll do that this afternoon. But first, I need a nap.

Please-itis part duh

I have another example of Please-itis. I agreed to go with Baby today to pick up her wedding ring because she wanted to go shopping. My instinct was to say no knowing that the traffic would be bad on account of the pouring rain all day. But I agreed because I'm a big pussy.

I traveled 20 km to the mall to meet her and spent over an hour and a half in the car. After an hour of being trapped in gridlock, she suggested doing it another time but by that point there were no exits which would take me home. When we got to the mall, she could only spend an hour because her fiance had agreed to dinner at her parents house and forgot to tell her. I used a quarter of a tank of gas for nothing and have been cranky since 5 pm.

And, after all that, not only did the fiance fail to show up for dinner with the parents, he hasn't bought a ring, applied for the marriage license or compiled a list of songs for the dj. I'm not doing anything else wedding related until after Thanksgiving. Except for sending the bachelorette party evite.

In the meantime, I need to figure out how to politely tell Denis to disappear. Perhaps I'll tell him that I have a new boyfriend and his name is Asshat and he has a really cute dog. Manly dog. No cuddly kitty cats.

But the granny underwear is more comfortable

Parts of today were much better than yesterday. For a start, it rained all day which was lovely. And the lab stuff finally went completely according to plan and nothing broke. Well, that's not true. I dropped a beaker but nobody knows about that so shush. Also, the lab crap was punctuated by yoga class which was awesome, as always. I should really do that every day. I wish I could put my instructor in my pocket and bring her home. She's great.

Then I came home and got 10 reports dumped on me for review before my site visit tomorrow morning. Fortunately they were all extremely truncated and I'm an outrageously fast reader. Just as I finished up, a friend texted me to come meet her for a drink. It was a pre-class boozy call. Ha. I decided I needed to pre-drink to meet my buddy's wife. She was laid off yesterday. Yeah, ouch. Happy freakin' birthday.

Anyway, it turns out I didn't need to pre-drink because he got back early and even arrived at the pub before she did. Then they spent most of the evening canoodling on the other side of the table from me while I attempted to disguise my discomfort by tactfully averting my eyes upwards and watched reflected baseball in the mirror above their heads. Actually, I guess I did need to pre-drink! To be fair, it was all him. She's pretty reserved and I guess he was trying to be comforting. Or something. It was pretty gross. Bluergh, as my Aussie friend would say.

Then I came home and watched Chuck. I love that show. I love Chuck. I might even pick Mrs Chuck Bartowski over Mrs Greg House. Because really, Chuck is sweet and geeky and I dig nerds way more than I dig bad boys.

I need to go to sleep now. I might be going out tomorrow night. I'm ambivalent about it. I know I should go because I just think that I want to stay home on the couch and watch TV. But then, when it's 11 pm and I can't sleep, I'll wish that I had put some lip gloss on and behaved like a real 30-something single girl and not a decrepit old granny.

Can't I just sleep until it's over?

I hate it when my posts randomly disappear. So, taking a deep breath, I choose not to rant and rave. I need to sleep because my vision is starting to blur. Instead, let me entertain you with some of my fb messages today. Because that's the kind of day it's been.

The first message I received from my buddy who is out of town on a field trip with undergrads (and who is a little too close for comfort sometimes considering how happily married he is but let's just pretend he's gay, shall we?)

Subject line: No 'Hi', 'Heya' or 'Hurry back'?
October 1 at 4:17pm
Heya, How is everything?!? What have you been upto this week? Things here are fine. I have to say the students have been better than I expected. That said, I did NOT get a message from you! My ego is officially shot! ;oP [Buddy's wife] said the two of you are meeting up for drinks tomorrow. Have fun and I expect i will see you sometime next week.

My response to him was:
October 1 at 5:30pm
Ha ha, you're hilarious. I woke up Tuesday morning thinking that the highlight of my Wednesday would be getting out of the lab to have lunch with you and so I should hustle through my ammonia analysis. But no, not only are you not here but my ammonia analysis is not going well at all. The chemistry part went fine but the instruments at "The University" are total and utter crap. I tried to log into the spectrophotometer today only to be told that my account had expired. You'd think it would have warned me when I logged on yesterday! Fortunately [power trippy lab tech guy] was just leaving so he updated the expiry on my account to a year from now. But then I had to set up all my method files again and I got an error so outrageous that I couldn't run my samples without making up another batch of standards. Something that should have taken 4 hours will end up taking over 7 if I can even get the damn thing to work this evening. Fortunately, my samples have a 24 hour hold time so I'm not freaking out just yet, even though I am about ready to burst into tears.

Deep breath. Thanks for letting me rant. [Your wife] and I are meeting at 6 ish tomorrow. Hopefully I'm not a total basket case when I see her. I might cry into my drink :(

The third message was one I sent to a friend who is very similar to me and I find that frightening because she can be abrasive, judgmental and a poor listener.

I think I might have to break up with one more of my girlfriends. Honestly, the more I talk to her, the less I like her. Not once in 4 years when I lived in BC did I hear from her and she only started hanging out with me this year because we're both single. When she calls she never asks me about my shit and could care less that I'm totally stressed and overwhelmed with school. So whenever her name comes up on my call display, I ignore it. Then I feel consumed by guilt and call her back. And then I proceed to hate myself for having made myself actually waste my time talking to her. I should just dump her. We had an argument today because she went on and on about how much she fuckin' hated BC and had a lousy time and couldn't wait to get home and I took it personally and told her I was offended and had to go. I wish I could just never see her or her stupid skinny airhead friends anymore but my friend Baby is still really tight with her and we might have to sit together at the stinkin' wedding. I hate stupid women and I hate that I have to be friends with her. Argh.

And the third email was to my buddy again and it's important because, well there needs to be some closure on this day.

As a follow up to this message, I am a TOTAL FUCKING RETARD. There was nothing wrong with the instrument or the software. It was friggin' user error. Jesus I'm stupid. However, problem sorted! I am praying for one day at the lab where I do not come right to the brink of bursting into tears. I don't need optimism. I don't need things to go according to plan. I just need a manageable day with no panicked anxiety attacks which make me want to go home and crawl into bed and cry until my eyeballs fall out. Dear Universe, I'm not McGyver okay! Thank you and goodnight.

Empty

A left on Monday night. It was all very hectic. I met her on Queen Street for some last minute shopping and to pick up sushi from Crispy Roll and then we went back to her place to have dinner with her parents and another friend. At 8 pm, I had to pack her suitcase. I even went through her dirty laundry. Ick. She left at 9.30 pm and I drove home the long way. She called from the airport at 11.30 pm and it was all I could do not to cry. The void is back. It is big and dark and empty. I just spent 02:04:21 on the phone with her so I suppose I shouldn't complain too much.

It has been two weeks since I emailed Captain W about the whole facebook deleting thing and I still don't have my book back. I'm debating leaving a voice mail about mid day on Thursday when I know he will be at school. It will go something like this:

"Hi Captain W. It's [me]. It's been a couple of weeks since I asked you to return my book and I still haven't heard anything. I'm assuming that the reason you haven't returned it is that you broke both your legs and that the reason you haven't let me know when you're planning to return it is... you broke both your hands? It would be good if you could get someone else, say, your brother perhaps to send me an email letting me known when the casts are coming off? It's just that it was a gift from a friend and has some sentimental value attached. Also, I need it back so I can pick out the gentlemen from the duds. Thanks."

I wake up every morning overwhelmed at having to spend another 6 months at grad school. Realistically it could be substantially less than that. But I'm scared that I'll be in debt and freezing in March, unable to afford groceries or chocolate grappy and that all of my friends will have abandoned me in my misery.

I emailed The Kid yesterday and came up with this. It might have been an epiphany.

I feel as though I should have been more productive but actually I threw together a Table of Contents and an outline for my experimental methodology section and fired those off to my supervisors. Sometimes I wonder whether thinking about my thesis counts as actually sitting at my desk working on it. Most of the time, I feel guilty that I'm just sitting and thinking and watching mindless CSI reruns instead of actually sitting here forcing myself to spout words from the ends of my finger tips. But I'm starting to realize that's a major part of the writing process. I could be a lot more disciplined about my approach but I find that walking away from something and letting my subconscious work on it for a while is often much more efficient than sitting here staring at my monitor and facebook stalking my friends while pretending to work. I think the consultant mindset that requires me to produce something tangible in 15 minute increments is counterproductive to thesis-related work.

And I have a plan to turn off my conscious mind at least twice a week. Without Grey or his herbs. I'm thinking about signing up for the shoe tag fitness classes at the gym. With Cardio Camp on Monday or Wednesday and boxing on Thursday, that should be at least two nights a week that I pass out before 4 am. I went to pilates today but, although I was very sweaty, I'm not exhausted. And yoga, while fabulous, is more energizing than relaxing. I'm scared though. I haven't boxed since 2002. I wonder if I still have my wraps.

Mr Snuffalupagus

I just met a very nice man. Someone who has known A for 11 years and who has been my fb friend for almost as long as I have been on fb, who works down the street and who knows many of our mutual friends. He endorsed our love of shoes and even the amount of money we spend on them. I'm not sure why A isn't with him as he is outrageously good looking and also very nice. He tried to convince me that all hope isn't lost in love. That I should have faith in relationships. He didn't succeed but I hope that they both find what they are looking for. Maybe even with each other. Then she could move back here and we could all live happily ever after.

On a totally unrelated note, red wine makes me horny and I want to call Grey. Actually, what I want is for him to booty call me so that I can decline because I have a long lab day planned tomorrow. Then I could suggest tomorrow night. But I don't want sex that badly. Yet.

Oh, and on yet another unrelated note, I was served flaming saganaki (Opa!) and an Opa martini by a fireman tonight. We had dinner at Christina's on the Danforth tonight. I told them I would write that in my journal tonight and it is worthy of mention.

2.30 am update
He seems less nice now. Or perhaps I'm just too cynical. He finally told her that he has feelings for her. Apparently it was obvious to everyone except her. Even though I told her today that he was hardly likely to declare his undying love for her if all the girlfriends were there. Turns out I was right. It gives me little comfort and, for the first time, I find myself unable to be honest with her.

I feel cheapened on her behalf. Like all the things he said to her were laced with ulterior motive. That, all the time he was helping her get through her break up, he was being less than truthful and so now all of his good intentions and helpful thoughts and strong words have less meaning somehow. I'm frustrated with myself for feeling this way. I said earlier that she couldn't help attracting all the men in the room; that they were like bees to honey. And it's true. It's because she's good and kind and compassionate and gentle. All the things that I am not. She is truly the yang to my yin and that's often one of the few things that props up my self-esteem. Because, if she's my friend, I can't be all bad. Right?

I keep telling her to be bitchier, that she's too nice. That people, especially men, take advantage of her. But, more and more, I see that women mistreat her as well. So I will continue to bite my tongue and not let her know that I feel this way. It's not what she needs to hear right now. I don't think that she needed to hear a declaration of undying love from a man she considers a good friend either but perhaps I'm projecting. I wouldn't have wanted to hear it right after a bitter break up but clearly she's stronger, and less cynical, than me. I should be more like her.

I feel very lonely right now.

3.30 am update
I really wish she hadn't called me and woken me up less than an hour after I had fallen asleep. I'm too exhausted to work but wide awake and can't even just lie in bed and relax. I know sleep won't come again tonight and I don't know what to do with myself. I want to cry and yell with frustration. I hate myself for wanting to call her and wake her up right now. I'm so lonely and have no-one to talk to. What I want most is to walk in front of a fast-moving train, bus or tractor-trailer.

Almost 4.30 am update
Dying alone used to be my biggest fear. Now living alone is my biggest fear. I live with it every day. Rather, every night. Because every night, when the lights go out, the monster comes out to play. I try to forget about it by being busy. For the most part, that seems to work just fine. When I'm exhausted, the monster seems smaller. Tonight, I'm lying in the dark thinking of ways to kill myself. (Un)fortunately, I rule them all out in sequence and then start over again. I cried so hard I hyperventilated and almost choked. I went through half a box of Kleenex. I tried to think of all the people I could call or email and ruled them all out. I even thought about calling my dad or emailing my mother. That's how bad it is tonight. I don't know how to ask for help. Or maybe I don't know who to ask. The monster is making me cold so I'm going to hide under the covers. Maybe my pillows and bunny will protect me now.

44 hours and counting

Everyone says to treat grad school like a job. But this is the worst job in the world. I'm sleeping in 4 hour increments. I'm going to sleep starving because I don't want to eat at 4 am. I also haven't had time to buy groceries. My garbage cans are all overflowing because I'm not home at a reasonable hour to shove it down the garbage chute. I haven't run the dishwasher in weeks but the dishes are slowly piling up, one cup at a time. I don't think I can handle an entire summer of this. I need to borrow a husband to take care of the blue jobs. Preferably a sugar daddy who can replace the two pairs of jeans I can no longer wear as of yesterday. Both of them have identical holes in the crotch. Holes I made from squatting under the millipore dispenser to refill the carboys, from having to sit at a lab bench which has no knee room, from refusing to wear my stretch jeans because I hate the way they cling to my ass and thighs and cut my digestive tract in half when I'm sitting down. Ick, stretch.

Easter parade

Tonight, I went over to a friend's place for a drink. He's actually a friend of B's from high school but he lives around the corner from me and we are in the fledgling stages of post-breakup be-friends-with-my-buddy's-ex thing. He's a decent guy and we have had a reasonably good time together on the two occasions I have been over there for a drink. Conversation is average, body language is slightly awkward (probably more on my part because he is B's friend), couple of drinks, couple of cigarettes. He is a nice guy, which is probably why I'm not attracted to him. But tonight I left his place feeling less than happy. I'm not sure why that was. I could have stayed a bit longer but I felt I had to leave. I wonder if it was the details of his recent fling things. Two gorgeous , successful women older than him. Neither looking for commitment or even a relationship beyond the occasional date. I guess maybe it hit a little too close to home. Perhaps Grey is having the same conversation with his friends and I'm just part of the parade.

Maybe I'm just tired and stressed. I have a feeling there will be tears on my pillow tonight. I'm tired, but not exhausted. Low, though.