Relationships

Relationships are strange things. I work hard and play hard and expect to savour the rewards of my efforts. But relationships don't work that way. It doesn't matter how hard you bust your ass. If you're with someone who is not also busting their ass.. well, then you're just a fool. You're also a fool if you date douchebags and think they're interesting and entertaining. I suppose I had to turn 30 to learn that lesson!

Anyway, I realize that my previous post made it seem as though I'm lonely in Vancouver but I really couldn't be happier. Yesterday, I spent a lovely, sunshiney afternoon on Granville Island. I met MFV for lunch, read a book on the dock, got a pistachio ice cream cone, shopped, met MFV for coffee and eventually wondered home for a late afternoon nap. Then I met one of my favourite girlfriends for dinner in Yaletown and she filled up my soul and left it overflowing for the next person. It was a really good day. It has been a really good few weeks. I needed the break. I needed to rest. I needed to reconnect with myself. I needed to enjoy myself. I have done all those things. This has maybe been the best few weeks of my post-grad student life.

The thing is, when you start a new relationship with your bestest friend in the whole world and you also happen to be living with that person, the slightest bit of distance or withdrawal doesn't go unnoticed. But because you're living with this person, even though you might be second-guessing everything he says, you can't deal with it the same way you normally would. You can't play hard to get or give him his space or wait for him to come to you. You have to continue with the things you have started doing every day. Like washing his cereal bowl and coffee mug. And doing the laundry and buying groceries for dinner and planning your weekend getaway. And spooning with him as he falls asleep. I'm not suggesting for a minute that I would rather be in the other situation - the one where I could retreat to my cave and wait for him to come get me - after all that has not worked out so well in the past for me! But it does present a slightly different challenge. Ah, the male ego...

I am still trying to figure out this little problem. How to be a gentle, caring, loving partner without smothering the poor guy. How to still be the fun BFF and not morph into my usual relationship neuroses monster. How to be okay with having sex even when I'm not feeling 100% connected and dealing with those feelings with the minimum of drama. It's tough. I haven't been in a real relationship for many years. Maybe I never was. I never really experienced any sort of emotional intimacy with X, even though he was my best friend. I have had plenty of physical intimacy in the last couple of years, thank you Grey. But we never connected on an emotional level, in fact very much the opposite with him pushing me away whenever I would start to get close.

This is different. Better. Much, much better. But strange new territory for me. He got mad at me the other night. It was a stupid, trivial argument. And while we have moved on, we haven't really dealt with it. I'm not sure what the issue is. Probably that I am a giant, raving, condescending beyotch. I should fix that.

However, it could also be temporary. If he doesn't find work in Toronto, we may never be together again after next weekend. I intend to make the most of the week we have left. He is my BFF after all.

Not *that*

I was just reading Rain's blog entry and the timing is perfect. (Thank you!)

I'm having dinner tonight with Jesus, ostensibly to talk about our crappy communication and to try and maintain a friendship. I'm not sure why I agreed to this because the chemistry is gone and I don't think I enjoy talking to him anymore. Maybe I was starting to wonder if I was being too picky. Starting to wonder if my expectations are too high because MFV always knows how to make me laugh and can read my mood accurately which counts for a lot, even when he doesn't know exactly how make it better.

I was starting to think that I should just suck it up and spend time with Jesus but flip-flopping daily (hourly, even) between wanting to see him and feeling obligated to MFV to not be with anyone else until he and I can see where things go when I move to BC. (My God, this is a horribly written entry but I'm just letting my brain out through my fingertips).

I was starting to think that my hopes are too high, that I can't have a man who is nice and who also makes my head explode when he kisses me. Now I realize I am not wrong to not settle for this guy. Or any guy.

I have been alone long enough that I am not going to settle for someone condescending and immature, just because he looks good in glasses. If you scroll down to Leah's comment, it was the combination of "leap" and curling toes which finally made me realize this. Her comment made my toes curl just reading it. I want *that*. Well, I guess I want *that* back, and if I can't have *that*, then I don't want something which is clearly not *that*.

Screw him

I emailed Grey to let him know that I was no longer comfortable with us going to Cirque on Sunday now that he's officially in a relationship with someone. I explained and tried to be gentle about it. His response from Vegas? "Whatever... overthink away. Have fun with ur Mom". So I told him he could go screw himself. It felt pretty good. I'll probably regret it in the morning. Or in a couple of minutes when he drunkenly replies. Or maybe I won't give a shit. Because that's how I feel right now. He's a fucking moron. Oh there's his response now...

Fucking guy always makes me fucking cry. I want so badly to hate him. Kill me now.

DONE!

I'm done! DONE! DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE! Yay :)

God, it is such a good feeling. I am so relieved it's over. And it went surprisingly well. To be honest (because I can do that here), I am really impressed at myself for doing such a good job with the presentation and the questions. It felt as though they went on and on forever but actually it was short at an hour and 15 minutes. I got a lot of compliments on the quality of my work and my thesis document itself. The former chair of the program (who is a silver fox hottie with a wonderful exotic accent) said that he really liked what I had done and was happy. When I left the room for their deliberations, he said to me, "you can relax now". Le sigh. I think I am in love with that man. Anyway, many compliments later, they nominated me for the Governor General's Gold medal award. Nobody from my program has ever won it because it's tough to publish in science but it felt good to even get the nomination and it will look rather nice on my CV :)

Grey was good enough to come pick me up after I had a few celebratory drinks. At one point, just as we were getting into bed, I was lying there thinking, "what if I just dreamed all of this and I have to defend it all over again!" Momentary panic. I imagine I will have more days of waking up and thinking those thoughts.

For now, back to bed for a nap. This afternoon, I have a big pile of library books to return. And this evening, more drinks with bubbles :)

Congratulations me!

And this is why I heart him

From: Me
Sent: August-20-09 7:21 PM
To: Grey
Subject: Are you in town?

This storm is insane. There's a tornado watch for the City of Toronto right now and one touched down at Vaughan Mills. I'm trapped at school in the graduate office because I didn't get out of here in time. The thunder is loud and I'm scared. Hold my hand? ;)


From: Grey
Date: Thu, Aug 20, 2009 at 7:22 PM
Subject: RE: Are you in town?
To: Me

Yes its insane!! Quite the view from the apt. Please consider your hand held :)

Grey | His crazy executive job title
Where he works
His email address

Defense T minus 11

Defense is on August 27 at 2 pm. I am starting to feel overwhelmed and stressed and anxious. Really, the thing that worries me most is the unpredictability of questions. Everything else will be okay provided I spend every spare second of every day between now and then preparing thoroughly. I have to finish my presentation before Thursday which is when I will be doing a run-through with my supervisors. Then I have another week to think of and prepare answers to questions. Basically, anything I wrote in 150+ pages is up for debate. I'm scared.

I took yesterday off to decompress with the other grad students. We had brunch at Watermark in the Harbourfront Centre and ended up at the beach at Ward Island which was actually not completely disgusting. We may go back in two weekends when we're done with our defenses. In the evening, we ordered pizza and had a drink and bitched and moaned and complained about school and thesis supervisors. It was fun and I might even miss these girls when we're done. I probably won't see them again after convocation.

Meanwhile, Grey went here last night. http://www.wickedclub.com/

I don't know how much more of his crap I can take. I know that I have been saying that for the last year and a half but I'm starting to feel used and abused. Underappreciated and taken advantage of. It's wearing me down slowly. Well, maybe when the thesis is over, I will welcome the drama back into my life.

Speaking of drama, MFV might come visit at the end of September on his way to Morocco. While I want to go with him to Morocco, I'm not sure if our friendship can stand this test of real life exposure. I haven't seen him in 3 years. I don't know if he knows what he wants from me but I'm tired of guys flip flopping between wanting to be with me and not wanting to be with me. Don't I deserve to be with a man who knows what he wants? I guess I will wait to worry about him until I see a flight number.

Also, that place I didn't make an offer on? It sold for more than $30K above asking. It appears I can't actually afford to buy the type of place I want in this godforsaken city. It has been a bad news day all around.

Grey is strange

I had dinner yesterday in Maple with Grey, his former admin assistant who is on mat leave, her husband and their two kids in their giant house with 4 bedrooms. She is a ducking phenomenal cook so it was totally worth it. Hamburgers from scratch to die for, mashed potatoes with sweet potatoes and his mother makes dried sausages from scratch as well. Nothing I ate last night was not excellent.

And it was so cute and cozy and domestic with the kids. I helped their 4-year old daughter, play with her Playdough which was totally fun once she warmed up to me. And their 3 month old... well, who doesn't love 3 month old babies with BIG.BLUE.EYES who giggle at you?

So, we're sitting around and Grey is saying how adorable they are and how they have this beautiful house and stuff. Then he says, "I want one". So I say, "what? a huge house?" And he says, "no, a kid". So I said, "well don't look at me!" Everyone laughed and Martha said that she keeps telling Grey he should just marry me. I almost ran out of the house screaming. Could you imagine? Me and Grey trapped in a huge house in Maple with kids. Holy mother of God. It's a good thing I was two glasses of red wine in by then.

Anyway, we left at 11 because he supposedly had another date. Which he told me about before he invited me to dinner with them so that was fine. Martha rolled her eyes at him when he said it before we left and asked me why I put up with his crap. That may be one of the great mysteries of the Universe. Like subatomic particles and the dimensions of time.

But this is when it started to get weird. He held my hand in the car. He hates holding my hand unless we're sleeping. There was one time I tried to hold his hand in public and he yelled at me. Weirdo nutjob. And then, when I got out of the car and said, "so call me if she doesn't put out" (I was trying to be funny and it worked), he said, "well don't go thinking now that if I don't call you I'm having sex with someone else". Weird right? Why would he tell me he is going to meet someone else and then worry about what I think he's doing? It makes no sense to me.

Boys are strange.

Lonely

I can't believe I'm actually lonely. I'm sitting here, pretending to work on my thesis, next to the dog, and I'm freakin' lonely. What the hell is wrong with me? Sigh. Maybe I'm just feeling down because it's Monday night, I'm tired, stressed and it's extremely quiet in here. There's just the sound of me typing, the dog breathing and the fridge. And some traffic. I'm not sure why the quiet bugs me here. Maybe because I'm not in my own home? Last time I was here, the TV was in the living room and, despite not getting cable, I could turn it on and get whatever the antenna picked up. The dog seemed to like the noise and it didn't seem quite so intimidating to be here by myself. Not that I'm by myself. The dog is pretty good company when he's not being a hyper spaz.

It got so bad that I phoned Grey. I actually picked up the phone, dialed his number and did not have a conversation with him. He was working as usual. I attempted to have a conversation with him but he just wasn't having any of it. I shouldn't have called. Obviously I know that. I'm just retarded. So then I cried a bit and the dog came and put his head in my lap and stared up at me with his huge black eyes. That helped. I feel like an idiot. Maybe it's just hormones.

Dancing around

Ugh. I am so weak.

I was going to write more but I don't think that I will. To make a long and unnecessary story short, I said "no" on the phone in response to his booty call and he still somehow got me over there. No sex, despite his repeated, insistent, sometimes too-assertive demands for it. Just cuddles and kisses. However, when he finally woke up in the morning (I was long gone after his log-sawing chased me out of bed), he was so wasted that he didn't even remember I had been over there. If I hadn't left a note, he wouldn't have found his key. If I hadn't texted him to look for the note, he might not have noticed it on the laptop until tomorrow. Okay, that's enough about that.

I started a belly dancing class last week and I fashioned myself a fancy hip scarf. I bought two small scarfs (black and maroon) and sewed them together to make one big one. When it is completely finished, I might even take a photo (of my ass with bells on!) and post it here for all the interweb to see.

It felt oddly domestic and reassuring to take needle and thread to fabric after many years. But now I must sleep. I have a big conference call in the morning. I will be on the client end and my boss and her boss on the office end. Scary.

Dream

I dreamt about Grey this morning. It was a weird dream. I haven't had one in a while.

We were having sex and he said to me, "this is as good as it's ever going to get baby".

Then a series of thoughts, like a camera on slow shutter speed. It's only ever going to be like this. Where we have sex on his schedule. Randomly. I will only ever be at his beck and call. Nothing more. Not with him. Not with anyone. And he knows it. He knows that I will always come when called. It must be nice for him to know that. He must feel comforted that I will always be there for him. That he won't ever have to be alone if he doesn't want to be alone. So in a warped sense, that makes me his. Forever. Because, while we are in this state of nothing, I won't ever find someone who will want me the way he doesn't want me. Who will be able to give me more. Who will want me to be more than just a warm body on a cold night.

I looked up at him, wide-eyed, like a deer in headlights and said, "that must be reassuring for you. To know that you'll always have me around because you know that I can't do any better than this".

I woke up crying.

Happy Sunday

So, despite GH's request for a recap of my Saturday with Grey, I have decided not to share the lurid details. After all, is there any reason for it? We went for dim sum. We went for a ride on his Ducati. Really, really fast. But I trust him (yeah, I'm stupid, I get that) and I wasn't worried. We went back to his place and watched a movie. Frost/Nixon. And stuff. He was fine, mostly. And then he drove me home. I don't expect a phone call or anything. Ever.

I had a good Sunday as well. I went over to A's parents house for lunch instead of dinner and then spent the afternoon thesising. It was fairly productive and I got to May 6, 2008 in my lab book. I'm writing the methodology section by reading through my lab book from beginning to end. I hope to submit it it on Thursday afternoon or Friday. I hope. Not sure that it's possible but I am going to try.

Then I had dinner at a friend's place and met one of her new friends and it was nice. Right now, I'm going to lie on the couch with my last brownie and be a vegetable for a bit. Maybe a zucchini. Or a squash. Tomorrow I'm going to leave work at 5, come home and bake another tray of brownies, put on my thesis shoes and keep reading through my lab book. I'm actually thinking about taking a day off work this week but I'm not sure that's a good idea. It's tempting fate to take a sick day when you're not actually sick, right? Right.

D for dim sum... and more disaster?

Grey just messaged me. We're going for dim sum. On his new bike. Fuck me. But I could never say no to that man.

Dead inside

I can't believe I was stupid enough to believe this thing with C le V was actually going somewhere. Next time I feel happy enough to hope for good things with a man, shoot me.

Grey's pocket called me again this morning on the way to work. Then, when I was running errands at the mall in the evening, I got a third call. This time, his pocket hung up immediately as I didn't hear the usual snuffling, rustling noises. Whatever could it mean?

I got my hair cut today. It looks fabulous. It won't look fabulous after I wash it because blow drying seems like such a complete and utter waste of time. What am I? Beautiful or something? Sheesh.

Not sure

I have been avoiding this post. Partly because my last two posts were totally neurotic and there's no need to follow it up with a third. But more because I think my instincts are right. I thought I would know how I felt after this weekend. I think I do know how I feel but I don't want to think about it because I suspect he doesn't feel the same.

The weekend was fine. Nice, even. There was a hiccup on Saturday evening when he got very distant with me. Distant enough that, when I told my former Valentine, he said he didn't like C le V anymore. But I think he was just being drunk and young and hyper. When I got upset, he held me while I got weepy and told me everything would be okay. It has been a long time since anyone did that for me.

But he has been distant all week since. We talked briefly on Sunday night when I got home. We chatted briefly online on Monday night. We talked briefly last night when I phoned him. But he has not booked his train ticket to come and see me this month. He hasn't been responding to emails. And he hasn't tried to make me laugh since he got home from his vacation.

I am totally scared to think about him losing interest. I'm not sure I can handle this right now. On the other hand, there's a lot going on right now with looking for an apartment for April and starting a new megaproject so now would be an ideal time to be re-single.

Grey crank called me yesterday. It was around 2.30 pm and I was at the office. I hit the "ignore" button (please be proud, even though it was easy to ignore his call at work) and forced it to voice mail. When I retrieved it, all I could hear was snuffling and pocket noises. My friends who own crackberries tell me it is virtually impossible to misdial a crackberry and think that he used the pocket noises to cover up because I didn't answer the call.

I have no desire to phone and find out. But I dread future phone calls.

Screwed up

I was using brownies as an incentive to thesis but now the brownies are gone and nothing has been written. They were yummy though. I have resorted to copying and pasting the text from my conference poster into a Word document. I mean, I already wrote the stuff once before right? Right.

Is it beyond f*cked up that I miss Grey more than I care to admit but am still excited to see C le V next weekend? I do miss C le V too and I just want the next 5 sleeps to be over already!

But I miss Grey as well. A lot. I still think about him a lot. I know it's only been 3 weeks since he asked me to never speak to him again and I know it's not soon enough to know for certain that he is out of my life forever. I flip flop between missing him and being angry at him and being relieved that it's over. Mostly I'm relieved. But sometimes I'm angry. Angry that he played so many games with my brain. Angry that he actually considered my moving in with him in April. Angry that he couldn't express any feelings to me except resentment and anger and harshness. That the one time he was happy to see me he was still guarded about it and the whole thing felt surreal. And of course I miss him. It's ridiculous to me expect not to miss him. Hopefully that will fade with separation and distance and time. But, for now, I continue to miss him.

I miss him enough that, if I think too hard about it, or listen to the wrong song, I realize that there's a wormhole that goes from the centre of my soul to the furthest ends of the Universe. That, if I get too close to the edge, I'll fall in and will never be able to escape.

Back to Britney. Hard to believe that she's saving my sanity.

Superstar
Where you from, how's it going?
I know you
Gotta clue, what youre doing?
You can play brand new to all the other chicks out here
But I know what you are, what you are, baby

Look at you
Gettin' more than just re-up
Baby, you
Got all the puppets with their strings up
Fakin' like a good one, but I call 'em like I see 'em
I know what you are, what you are, baby

Womanizer
Woman-Womanizer
You're a womanizer
Oh Womanizer
Oh You're a Womanizer Baby
You, You You Are
You, You You Are
Womanizer, Womanizer, Womanizer

Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)
Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)

You Got Me Goin'
You're Oh-So Charmin'
But I can't do it
U Womanizer

Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)
Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)

You Say I'm Crazy
I got Your Crazy
You're nothing but
A Womanizer

Daddy-O
You got the swagger of champion
Too bad for you
Just can't find the right companion
I guess when you have one too many, makes it hard
It could be easy
Who you are, that's who you are, baby

Lollipop
Must mistake me you're a sucker
To think that I
Would be a victim not another
Say it, play it how you wanna
But no way I'm ever gonna fall for you, never you, baby

Womanizer
Woman-Womanizer
You're a womanizer
Oh Womanizer
Oh You're a Womanizer Baby
You, You You Are
You, You You Are
Womanizer, Womanizer, Womanizer

Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)
Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)

You Got Me Goin'
You're Oh-So Charmin'
But I can't do it
U Womanizer

Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)
Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are)

You Say I'm Crazy
I got Your Crazy
You're nothing but
A Womanizer

Maybe if we both lived in different worlds
(Womanizer Womanizer Womanizer Womanizer)
It would be all good, and maybe I could be ya girl
But I can't 'cause we don't
You...

Headache part duh

I spent a solid 12 hours working on my thesis data today. I took a quick break to have lunch with a friend I haven't seen since October but it was otherwise all work all day. I really hope I made a dent in in because I'm starting to hate Excel. Did you know that you can reset your menus if you lose a button somehow? I learned that today. I also learned that, if you drag and drop the Goal Seek... button, it disappears and there's no way to find it again. Momentary panic.

I didn't finish everything that my supervisor asked me to do, mostly because stats software is crap. Can somebody do a 1-way ANOVA analysis for me please? My head is pounding.

I'm struggling a bit with withdrawal from C le V's daily, witty email. I miss him a lot. He was on facebook this evening and I think that actually made it worse. He's only been gone 4 days and I'm already starting to second guess myself. That maybe he isn't as invested as I am. Maybe he's playing games. Maybe he'll come back and decide he doesn't want this anymore. I was staring out the window a few minutes ago reminding myself that I'll be alone forever and it'll be worse when I'm 60 because Grey will be dead and there won't be any more cuddling.

I've been dreaming about him. In my dreams, he phones me and chats to me like nothing has happened. Like he didn't ask me to never speak to him again. Sometimes he gets mad that I took that seriously. Because he didn't mean it and I misinterpreted that statement the same way I misinterpret everything he says to me. But really, how many interpretations are there?

Sometimes I am overwhelmed with the thought that he may never call me again. On Friday night, it crept up out of nowhere and I burst into tears. Fortunately I was alone on the couch and nobody knows. A secret shared between me and my oversized Christmas penguin. But mostly I'm relieved. Not now as I write this, but in the mornings when I wake up and in the evenings when I come home from work and all the times in between when I can focus on work or school. Relieved that I won't have to ride that rollercoaster anymore. I won't be his alleyoop yo-yo, his verbal punching bag, his cigarette-stained, nicotine-filled, slightly worn and charred around the edges stress spittoon.

But right now, at this very moment, I sit here in the dark and I wish that there was just one more tight spoon. One more gentle kiss with one hand on my neck and the fingers of his other hand entwined with mine. One more knowing look into the centre of my soul that makes me wonder if we have known each other for all eternity.

That's enough now.

What? - Epilogue

This morning, he emailed asking me to never speak to him again. I think I will take his advice. I'm taking a friend to the work party thing on Saturday night. At least I won't have to walk on eggshells and worry about being embarrassed. Hell, my coworkers can even assume I'm a lesbian for that matter. The way she looks. I'm taking my friend in the painted pink dress. It's been a while since I wrote about her but she came through for me before. When B dumped me before Cirque du Soleil. It was her first show and she loved it. She's a great date actually.

I just talked to C le V. Whenever I talk to him, I wonder where the hour went. It just disappears some times. I'm in danger of really getting attached to this guy. He is so sweet and thoughtful and funny. I wish he was here. I'm going to miss him a lot when he goes on vacation in February. Expect to read a lot of mopey lonely blog entries.

Anyway, I have to go to bed before the Neo Citran induced coma takes me down. I had a really great day today. Two highlights: I was asked to manage a big project at work and it will take me to the client's office four to five days a week. That changes my moving plans but I'm thrilled to have the opportunity. Big meeting on Wednesday so hopefully I don't have a raging fever.

Also, I texted my favourite dj on Flow 93.5 this evening on the drive home from work. "Who's my daddy? Scratch is my daddy!" and they aired it! I even got a text back from DVo Brown: "hilarious!". Totally made my day complete.

What? - Grand Finale

(Disclaimer: NSFW along with most things on this blog!)

I'm very close. Very close. Teetering on the edge even. I have resolved to be honest on my blog because I am too ashamed of him and of myself to be honest with my girlfriends. And I don't often feel that way.

On Saturday night, I had bubble tea with the girls and their husbands. Usually when I go for bubble tea I order a large and then say "ugh, too many bubbles! Why do I always do this to myself? Moan." But this weekend, I ordered a small. It took a supreme effort of self-discipline but I did it and didn't regret the small at all. Yay me. I think I might be learning something. Slowly.

Today, I spent the day with Grey. We didn't talk. We didn't really do much. We went for dim sum and I got upset because, when I complained about working from home on weekends, he said I only work one day a week in a voice full of contempt, scorn and disdain. I got angry. I actually got teary eyed when we were waiting for our table and had to escape to the ladies room for a minute. I spoke up enough that he finally claimed to see the error of his ways and apologized. Then, of course, we didn't talk at dim sum. We waited almost an hour to get my car washed and, instead of trying to talk to me then, he kept trying to shove his hand up my skirt. Repeatedly. He even unzipped his pants and pulled out his penis at one point. Yeah, that's right. I almost kicked him out of the car.

Then we went to the drugstore to get him something to help him sleep. By the time we were at his place, his buddy had phoned and was right behind us. The three of us ended up sitting on the couch watching the Superbowl and eating pizza. Grey trash talked me a lot tonight. Some of it was truly appalling. Maybe it was just part of guy's Superbowl night but I have trouble believing that his buddy would say the same stuff to the girl he is currently seeing. We all laughed it off as part of the macho funny guy act but I am hurt and unimpressed. I sent Grey an email when I got home because I was too embarrassed/scared/awkward/worried about making his friend feel awkward to say something at the time. And I knew that if I didn't send him an email tonight, it would go into the vault of things he wouldn't remember but I can't let go.

Re AshleyMadison.com: Grey was saying he should go on that site but he's not married. I told him that if he was going to sign up for a website that facilitates affairs, he might as well lie about being in a relationship. I mean, that's hardly a stretch, right? He said, "yeah good point. I should say my girlfriend is a tall, hot, 5'10" blonde..." Suffice it to say I am none of those things. I looked askance at him and he said that his brain is often way behind his mouth and some of the stuff that comes out makes no sense. Oh, it makes plenty of sense.

His buddy was considering spending $500 on a winter coat for the new girlfriend: Grey said that he would never spend that much on me. His buddy just shook his head. I said "yeah, but we're not dating".

He also said the following two things. I think the context is irrelevant:

1. I won't fuck you hard if you don't finish your dinner.
2. I should bitchslap you with my cock.

My response to the first was to push away my dinner plate. My response to the second was "you could try but it won't reach". I couldn't believe he said that to me. In front of his buddy.

Eventually his buddy left. I thought we would talk. Stupid me. He just wanted to have sex.

When I left, he hugged me and asked if we could do it again some time after he got a good night's sleep. I said "whatever, I won't wait forever". But actually, I think I might be done with him. I think that it has finally started to sink in that I'm better off without him. I can be remarkably intelligent about everything else in my life. In fact, in general I pride myself on my rapid brain speed. But this... why has this taken so long? Did I require some sort of external boost to my self-esteem to figure this out?

I couldn't wait to get home to talk to C le V tonight. He could tell something was off but I told him that I didn't want to talk about it because it was unimportant, irrelevant and would be bad karma for us. It would be so great if we somehow end up together. I miss him. I hope that I'm good enough for him.

Missed

A couple of nights ago, I told C le V that I didn't know if it was a good idea if we should talk every day. He agreed that we shouldn't settle into something de facto just because. And I told him he wasn't supposed to agree with me. He made me laugh when he asked me to hang on while he turned the lights on because he couldn't read the lines I had written him.

When I woke up the following morning, I told him that it was a moment of temporary insanity because I couldn't figure out my rationale. That talking to him is like a hit of crack and I need it daily. But I remembered again tonight. I raced home from an evening out to maybe catch him before he went to bed. No joy. His phone was off by the time I tried calling. And now I feel empty and unmotivated, despite having a mountain of work to get through this evening.

I really wanted to talk to him before dim sum with Grey tomorrow morning. I can't explain why. I haven't even told him that I'm having dim sum (or issues ending things) with Grey.

I'm almost hoping that Grey chickens out of the talk. Oh well, nothing I can do about it until it happens. I smell like Korean bbq. I'm going to do some work now, in case I'm a mess tomorrow. Which is likely. Very.

Trying to be rational

I just remembered something. Just over a year ago, I asked Grey if he was going to change his facebook relationship status. He freaked out.

I was somewhat distracted today so I made a list at work. I wrote it as an email to Grey. Because I'm nuts like that. I have decided to share it here. Because it's my blog and someone has to read it.

So, I was thinking about the "meeting" you have scheduled for us on Sunday morning and I thought it might be more productive if I put some thoughts down on paper so we can think about them ahead of time. Yes, I'm anal retentive and it reads like an agenda with discussion items. I will print it out and bring you your own copy. Because I'm eccentric like that.

Discussion item 1: What does a normal relationship mean to you?
(i) Making plans for evenings/weekends with each other
(ii) Going out together in public on dates
(iii) Doing things with our friends (even if we don't like each other's friends)
(iv) Meeting the family (only when necessary on holidays and when they come to town)
(v) Talking and listening; discovering what we have in common
(vi) Laughing; trying to make the other person feel good
(vii) Wanting to be around for a while (not trying to kill yourself)
(viii) Taking care of each other's health
(ix) Not dating/sleeping with other people
(x) Working through problems together
(xi) Doing things you don't like because the other person enjoys them and pretending you are having fun
(xii) Being affectionate
(xiii) Traveling together
(xiv) Not yelling unless the other person is about to get hit by a car
(xv) Putting aside history/baggage to take a risk on something you want.

Discussion item 2: What I want from a relationship
A dog, a house, a garden, a life lived together not separately as strangers; someone who wants to be with me, to talk to me, to make me laugh

Discussion item 3: Things about Grey that I worry won't change.
a. Fear - of the unknown; loss of control; me reflecting badly on him
b. Pushing me away by saying hurtful things
c. Smoking - both kinds
d. Working on weekends
3. Partying - am I supposed to wait at home and provide pick up service when Grey is out with other girls?

Discussion item 4: What happens to me when Grey (Mr. I'm Not In Love With You) when he finds "The One" and falls in love with her?

Discussion item 5: What happens to me (and our dogs) when Grey gets lung cancer or liver cancer or heart failure or whatever and dies in 15 years?

Also, I thought it was worth resurrecting this flow chart to see if your approach to it has changed in the last 12 months. See attached.

I will have to give notice on Sunday afternoon as it is Feb 1. That means I have to phone my landlady in the afternoon sometime. Please don't let me forget.