I almost ruined everything

And I prefer not to think about it, nor discuss it. Ever. Again.

Pathetic

There are times when I wish I was not conscious. There are times when I wish I would never be conscious again. Instead, I dig a frozen cigarette out of the freezer and kill myself slowly. I know I am pathetic. I own that. I tell myself often, out loud, sometimes in public places when nobody can hear me. I call myself terrible names. It starts in the shower and doesn't stop until I get into bed, exhausted and unable to think anymore. I tell myself that everyone hates me, and they are right to hate me. I'm unlovable and unworthy of any kind of time or attention. That's the reason I'm alone. I deserve to be alone. So I will be alone. If not by choice, then by half-hearted intention. I am pathetic and I hate myself.

I need some advice

I had dinner with Pink Dress today and her car died when she arrived at my place. She phoned her mechanic and invited him to dinner with us. This is the same guy that called me chubby and blonde last October.

I thought I could pretend to be fine for a couple of hours but I don't think I can ever spend time with both of them together again. I'm still really hurt by what he said and he set me back light years with those comments. I know that he means nothing to me and I should just discard his opinion but I just can't get his words out of my head. I was so self-conscious of everything I ate at dinner tonight that I couldn't finish my meal.

I'm not sure if I should tell Pink Dress that I don't ever want to see him again or just forget it. The worst part is that she seems to think that he has a thing for me and there is no way in hell that I can purposely spend time with someone whose mere presence reinforces my neuroses about my low self-esteem and weight and food issues. Am I being insane?

Update: Grey, our mutual friend and MFV all told me I should tell her so I just sent her this email.

Okay, I don't know how to say this so I'm just going to come right out with it.

I know the mechanic is your good friend but I can't hang out with him again. When you said you had invited him to dinner, I thought I would be fine with it but it turns out I'm still not over him calling me chubby and blonde last October. I realize these are my neuroses and he probably had no idea that he would touch on such a sensitive issue. I'm sorry, I know he's good to you. But I really have to assert myself on this one. I was really uncomfortable last night and that makes me unhappy because I was looking forward to catching up with you. Do-over on Saturday?

Overworked and unpaid

I want to kill myself. It will all be over soon and I can see the end of it but I don't want to do this anymore. The thing that surprises me most about this period in my life is how little support I seem to be getting from my friends. Maybe I should just ask for help but I have never been very good at that. I just figured that somebody would say, "hey can I bring you some dinner?" or "do you want me to help you run some errands?" but no. Not a single offer of help. Well, that's not true. One of my friends offered to read it but she did an arts degree and MBA so I doubt the damn thing would make any sense to her. I did ask a former coworker to check over my data for me but she said no. I was pretty surprised about that. I guess if you've never done it you have no idea how insane it really is. This is by far the most work I have ever done in my life. I don't think I have ever been this stressed and I have done some things. I know that I'm alone in the Universe so I don't expect to be taken care of. But I'm surprised that nobody has even though to offer some support. So no, I'm not asking anyone for help. I feel very lonely and isolated right now.

Weekend Blogorrhea

I haven't written anything because I really don't have anything to write. I spent this weekend alternately sleeping and feeling nauseated. I must be fighting off the flu or something. I went out for Korean BBQ on Friday night and followed it up with bubble tea and ice cream cake. Birthdays. Ugh. Then Saturday, I slept until 12.30, thesised until 4.30 and then slept until 6.30. I ate nothing for most of the day and went out for Thai for another birthday dinner. It was horribly awkward for me. I didn't know anyone except the birthday boy and spent the entire time waiting for 9 pm to roll around so I could leave. Today I slept until 2.30 pm! Pretended to work (but reading this blog) until 7 and went over to A's parents house so they could feed me. Unfortunately I couldn't finish my food because I felt queasy. Serves me right for only eating Cheetos all day, I guess. Oh yeah, I also spent some time crying last night. I don't really recall why. I mean, it must have been because of Grey. I happen to know he was watching a movie with a friend and I was watching a movie alone. Oh right, I was watching Pretty Woman. Insomniac. Alone on the couch. With a chick flick. Great. My life is meaningless and empty. Now I remember why I haven't written anything all week.

I can't function

Isn't that one of the signs of depression? For several years now, I have suspected that I might be prone to depression but I'm too scared to ask my doctor about it because of what she might say. There's a history of mental illness on my mother's side of the family but I don't know what exactly because nobody will talk about it. I mean, maybe we're all just OCD and anal-retentive. Because that, I can (and do) own. Also, I've gotten so good at faking happy when I'm out in public that I'm scared to drop the mask, even for one second.

But I can't function. The apartment is a disaster. I can barely hold my life together. My thesis has ground to a halt and I funnel all of my energy into staying on the ball at work. I go to work exhausted. Then I come home and I'm more exhausted. I barely have the energy to get to the classes I like at the gym. And it seems I'm on the verge of crying all the time. Sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks, out of nowhere and I'm totally unprepared. It's a good thing I hid at home for most of the weekend.

I'm so exhausted from faking it. Can't I just stay at home in bed for the next two weeks?

Not so bright

I am in some serious pain tonight. It's my own fault. I was bad this week and now I'm paying the price. The guys might want to stop reading now.

Cramps. Suck. In my next life, I'm definitely going to be a man. Last month, it was not so bad. That's because I was good. Usually, the week before my period, I cut out caffeine and chocolate and work out more. Generally it works. I can manage the pain with prescription meds and I'm on the pill so it always happens on a weekend. That way I never miss work. Sunday nights are usually pretty bad. But last month, I was good. A lot less pain was my reward. However, this month, I had a short memory and thought "ahhh, well last month was good so I can afford to be a little bit bad". No. BAD IDEA.

I was basically doing lamaze for the last hour of the movie (Duplicity - definitely a rental) and for the drive home. I think I hit every single red light between Baby's house and mine. I was yelling at the traffic lights, "change, damn you!" My yelling quietly, in my head, because I was nauseated and felt like passing out.

So I'm going to bed now. I have decided that my bed is my favourite place in the whole world.

Hurt

Does anyone else think this email thread is a not-so-subtle rejection? I am actually quite upset. I'm officially giving up and allowing myself to be upset this weekend.

On Fri, Mar 13, 2009 at 4:52 PM, C le V wrote:

Nice subject line!
Sounds like a nice weekend... Apparently it's the St-Patties day parade on Sunday, so the plan may change, but it looks like it's going to be another quiet domestic weekend... not the drink-fest you seem to have planned (no comment on the Dirty Dancing!)
Sucks for the thesis... but better late than never, I guess.

On 3/13/09, EB wrote:

What?? You're not a fixture on the lucky lesbian leprechaun float? But you look so good in green!

So... as much as I am scared to ask (or scared to hear your answer), will I be getting a phone call from you this weekend? It would be nice to hear your voice again at some point. It's fine if you're busy and stuff. I just thought I would go out on a limb here and ask.

On Fri, Mar 13, 2009 at 5:01 PM, C le V wrote:

I would answer 'yes', but I don't want to create any expectations... so 'no' it is.

Dead inside

I can't believe I was stupid enough to believe this thing with C le V was actually going somewhere. Next time I feel happy enough to hope for good things with a man, shoot me.

Grey's pocket called me again this morning on the way to work. Then, when I was running errands at the mall in the evening, I got a third call. This time, his pocket hung up immediately as I didn't hear the usual snuffling, rustling noises. Whatever could it mean?

I got my hair cut today. It looks fabulous. It won't look fabulous after I wash it because blow drying seems like such a complete and utter waste of time. What am I? Beautiful or something? Sheesh.

I suck

I took a nap this afternoon and now I can't sleep. I wish I had someone to talk to.

C le V called me this afternoon because I was feeling down. I felt better after I talked to him. Then, after the nap, I realized that he hasn't called me "sweetheart" since Saturday. Something has definitely changed. I'm scared to find out.

Also, in more bad news, I lost the apartment that I had decided to rent. They rented it the night I saw it, for $90 a month less than the list price, starting tomorrow. Crap. Maybe I should just put all my stuff in storage and be homeless until I can afford to buy my own concrete box.

I'm going to bed now. Not because I'm sleepy. But because it will be easier to cry myself to sleep. Or not sleep, as the case may be.

Augh

There is something wrong with me.

C le V texted me last night when he got home from the airport around 1.30 am. We talked for about 45 minutes. He clearly was excited to hear from me and wanted to talk about his trip and this weekend. It was really nice. To hear his voice and listen to him talk and laugh with him. Even though I just wanted to go to sleep. Now I know what it feels like to be the dude. I was super tired all day today. It was also really nice to have him back on email again. I really missed those too.

Last night when we were talking, he said he would phone me this evening. I know he had plans with friends. I'm assuming he's still out. Because it would be unacceptable for him to get home and not call. I waited up and could have gone to bed hours ago. I'm annoyed at myself for waiting. And disappointed that he didn't call. And I'm feeling the distance which I know is going to translate into reduced warmth and increased reservation when I see him in 24 hours.

See what I mean? There's something wrong with me. I hate that I'm such a clingy, needy, high-maintenance bitch. Urgh, I hate myself.

Unattractive

I got up late this morning and didn't write to C le V so I decided to write this evening. Initially after I arrived home, I was feeling really dizzy so I lay down on the couch and ended up passing out for a couple of hours. Whenever that happens to me, I wake up groggy and lethargic.

I learned something else about myself too. I had trouble writing to him. The stuff I was thinking about wasn't something I felt ready to share on paper. Because, frankly, it's a bit humiliating and I don't want him to see my insecurity. I read through the last 4 days and realized that I sounded happier in the mornings compared to the way that I sounded this evening. The thing is, I wasn't unhappy when I was writing to him this evening. But I couldn't get the words to flow. I stopped and started several times. I think I was just tired and worn out. And I think I'm like that most evenings which is why I blog in the evening. I need the outlet. And maybe part of the reason that I am feeling insecure about him is because he's not here to talk to me in the evenings and reassure me that everything is okay.

And that's the part that sucks. I shouldn't need that reassurance. I should be confident all the time, not some needy, whining, clingy woman who needs to be emotionally propped up all the time. But why do I get this way? Is it because I'm tired? Or is there some weird psychological effect the darkness has on me? Do I get this way on long, sunny, summer evenings too? It was raining and foggy all day today and that made me happy (yes, I'm weird, I realize that).

Maybe the reason I'm still single at such an advanced age is because I'm cranky in the evening hours when I'm supposed to be relaxed and sociable. I feel as though I'm cranky all the time. I know I'm not a morning person. But now I'm not a night person anymore either. I feel like I suck all the time. Do I deserve to be alone because I'm not warm and comforting and peppy and shiny enough?

I said I wasn't unhappy before but I definitely am now. I'm going to go cry myself to sleep.

Headache part duh

I spent a solid 12 hours working on my thesis data today. I took a quick break to have lunch with a friend I haven't seen since October but it was otherwise all work all day. I really hope I made a dent in in because I'm starting to hate Excel. Did you know that you can reset your menus if you lose a button somehow? I learned that today. I also learned that, if you drag and drop the Goal Seek... button, it disappears and there's no way to find it again. Momentary panic.

I didn't finish everything that my supervisor asked me to do, mostly because stats software is crap. Can somebody do a 1-way ANOVA analysis for me please? My head is pounding.

I'm struggling a bit with withdrawal from C le V's daily, witty email. I miss him a lot. He was on facebook this evening and I think that actually made it worse. He's only been gone 4 days and I'm already starting to second guess myself. That maybe he isn't as invested as I am. Maybe he's playing games. Maybe he'll come back and decide he doesn't want this anymore. I was staring out the window a few minutes ago reminding myself that I'll be alone forever and it'll be worse when I'm 60 because Grey will be dead and there won't be any more cuddling.

I've been dreaming about him. In my dreams, he phones me and chats to me like nothing has happened. Like he didn't ask me to never speak to him again. Sometimes he gets mad that I took that seriously. Because he didn't mean it and I misinterpreted that statement the same way I misinterpret everything he says to me. But really, how many interpretations are there?

Sometimes I am overwhelmed with the thought that he may never call me again. On Friday night, it crept up out of nowhere and I burst into tears. Fortunately I was alone on the couch and nobody knows. A secret shared between me and my oversized Christmas penguin. But mostly I'm relieved. Not now as I write this, but in the mornings when I wake up and in the evenings when I come home from work and all the times in between when I can focus on work or school. Relieved that I won't have to ride that rollercoaster anymore. I won't be his alleyoop yo-yo, his verbal punching bag, his cigarette-stained, nicotine-filled, slightly worn and charred around the edges stress spittoon.

But right now, at this very moment, I sit here in the dark and I wish that there was just one more tight spoon. One more gentle kiss with one hand on my neck and the fingers of his other hand entwined with mine. One more knowing look into the centre of my soul that makes me wonder if we have known each other for all eternity.

That's enough now.

What? - Grand Finale

(Disclaimer: NSFW along with most things on this blog!)

I'm very close. Very close. Teetering on the edge even. I have resolved to be honest on my blog because I am too ashamed of him and of myself to be honest with my girlfriends. And I don't often feel that way.

On Saturday night, I had bubble tea with the girls and their husbands. Usually when I go for bubble tea I order a large and then say "ugh, too many bubbles! Why do I always do this to myself? Moan." But this weekend, I ordered a small. It took a supreme effort of self-discipline but I did it and didn't regret the small at all. Yay me. I think I might be learning something. Slowly.

Today, I spent the day with Grey. We didn't talk. We didn't really do much. We went for dim sum and I got upset because, when I complained about working from home on weekends, he said I only work one day a week in a voice full of contempt, scorn and disdain. I got angry. I actually got teary eyed when we were waiting for our table and had to escape to the ladies room for a minute. I spoke up enough that he finally claimed to see the error of his ways and apologized. Then, of course, we didn't talk at dim sum. We waited almost an hour to get my car washed and, instead of trying to talk to me then, he kept trying to shove his hand up my skirt. Repeatedly. He even unzipped his pants and pulled out his penis at one point. Yeah, that's right. I almost kicked him out of the car.

Then we went to the drugstore to get him something to help him sleep. By the time we were at his place, his buddy had phoned and was right behind us. The three of us ended up sitting on the couch watching the Superbowl and eating pizza. Grey trash talked me a lot tonight. Some of it was truly appalling. Maybe it was just part of guy's Superbowl night but I have trouble believing that his buddy would say the same stuff to the girl he is currently seeing. We all laughed it off as part of the macho funny guy act but I am hurt and unimpressed. I sent Grey an email when I got home because I was too embarrassed/scared/awkward/worried about making his friend feel awkward to say something at the time. And I knew that if I didn't send him an email tonight, it would go into the vault of things he wouldn't remember but I can't let go.

Re AshleyMadison.com: Grey was saying he should go on that site but he's not married. I told him that if he was going to sign up for a website that facilitates affairs, he might as well lie about being in a relationship. I mean, that's hardly a stretch, right? He said, "yeah good point. I should say my girlfriend is a tall, hot, 5'10" blonde..." Suffice it to say I am none of those things. I looked askance at him and he said that his brain is often way behind his mouth and some of the stuff that comes out makes no sense. Oh, it makes plenty of sense.

His buddy was considering spending $500 on a winter coat for the new girlfriend: Grey said that he would never spend that much on me. His buddy just shook his head. I said "yeah, but we're not dating".

He also said the following two things. I think the context is irrelevant:

1. I won't fuck you hard if you don't finish your dinner.
2. I should bitchslap you with my cock.

My response to the first was to push away my dinner plate. My response to the second was "you could try but it won't reach". I couldn't believe he said that to me. In front of his buddy.

Eventually his buddy left. I thought we would talk. Stupid me. He just wanted to have sex.

When I left, he hugged me and asked if we could do it again some time after he got a good night's sleep. I said "whatever, I won't wait forever". But actually, I think I might be done with him. I think that it has finally started to sink in that I'm better off without him. I can be remarkably intelligent about everything else in my life. In fact, in general I pride myself on my rapid brain speed. But this... why has this taken so long? Did I require some sort of external boost to my self-esteem to figure this out?

I couldn't wait to get home to talk to C le V tonight. He could tell something was off but I told him that I didn't want to talk about it because it was unimportant, irrelevant and would be bad karma for us. It would be so great if we somehow end up together. I miss him. I hope that I'm good enough for him.

Oh dear...

I ended up partying tonight. It's Wednesday! Well, technically I suppose it's Thursday. Ouch, this is going to hurt in the morning. We started at Spice Route and then ended up at lobby. The vodka-cran would have been okay... if it hadn't been for the mystery vodka shots with lime around midnight. And it's too late to place a booty call! I need a younger booty buddy. Someone who answers his phone after midnight. Urgh...

Screw up

I always fuck up the good things. He's not coming next weekend. And I'm not sure if I'm going to see him the following weekend. I feel bad for being the reason that his buddies are going to get turfed out of a free place to stay. And he wants to slow things down. I'm not good at that. I'm better with the emergency brake, backing the car up and tearing back up the same dirt road that got me here. I told him I wouldn't be sleeping with Grey anymore. I'm not sure if that's a promise I'm capable of keeping. Not because I don't want to keep the promise. But because I feel stupid and small and worthless. And when I feel like this, I do stupid and worthless and reckless things. For example, I am going to smoke a cigarette now. I know it will make me feel shitty. I really don't want one. And it's cold outside. But I know it will numb the pain and stop the tears. So I go in search of temporary relief. Because I don't know how to stop wishing I was dead. I'm sure everything will look better in the morning.

The Ugly One

I had a good time tonight. Until some guy called me fat and stupid. He's a friend of a friend and this was the second time I met him. I know I shouldn't care but I wasn't prepared for it and it's hard not to take it personally. Especially because the two other girls I was out with are gorgeous. I'm going to bed. Hopefully I won't actually cry. Much.

Ugh

I'm sort of dreading tomorrow. I hate holiday weekends. I'm glad there are only two major ones every year. I just wish they weren't so close together. I'm also glad I don't live in the US as I'm sure I would sink into a deep state of depression having Thanksgiving and Christmas so close together.

I'm going to try and get out of the house tomorrow. Maybe walk some dogs with an ex-coworker who just moved back to the city. Then I think there might be a turkey dinner with Baby and Delorean tomorrow night. Not sure if I'll go. Saw them twice today. He finally got his ring. Now all we really need is the marriage license. If he hasn't taken care of that by Thursday, I'm going to City Hall on Friday to do it myself.

I have about a bajillion hours of TV saved up for this weekend so I'm going to watch some now even though it's late and I'm tired. I am stuffed full of fondue. I actually feel pretty disgusting. The cheap wine didn't help either. I don't know why I keep trying to drink red. I think I need some couch time.

Also, I got a few creepy messages on POF in the last couple of days. I realize that doesn't relate to anything but it seems to be contributing to the general "ugh" feeling.

Ouch

I went to the gym this evening. Not because I want to be a skinny girl who has straight legs, a concave stomach and can fit into a size 4 dress (because, let's face it, girls who wear 0 and 2 have no boobs and I like my boobs. They're actually very nice boobs, and significantly larger than they appear to be when I'm wearing clothes. I digress). The reason I went to the gym tonight is because I went to sleep at 4 something am yesterday. It was definitely after 4.11 am because that was the time of my last facebook status update. And I know that I didn't fall asleep right away because I remember thinking "why I am lying in bed awake?" And then I didn't sleep through the night because I remember being awake at various points. Although that might have been the night before. I went to the gym because I need to sleep. I need to sleep now and I would like to get at least 8 hours and wake up before noon. I have a lot of work to do, some of which involves a client deadline. Granted said deadline is not until next Wednesday but I want to not work this weekend. It is now 1.07 am and I would like to go to sleep now. So I am going to attempt that. Because, if I don't fall asleep very soon, all I will be left with after a very intense trip to cardio camp class will be sore hips, sore knees, sore ankles and sore feet but no size 4 body. Possibly sore abs and shoulders in 24 hours but those are okay because they're good sore not achy like I'm eleventy years old and my joints are breaking down and I need some Advil or Aleve or glucosamine chondroitin. It bodes well for me that the pain is making me incoherent. Maybe it will make me sleep too.

Mother of God life is an ironic bitch! Less than 9 minutes after posting this and my leg is asleep! Am I asleep? NO! But my leg?! Asleep!! Crap.

Anniversary, of sorts

I want to call Grey. Or email or text or whatever. But it won't make me feel better so I won't. Instead, I am choosing to mark an anniversary of sorts.

On September 7, 2007, we got together with a mutual friend and ended up very drunk and fooled around. On September 11, he emailed me that I had left my earrings on his ottoman and I went over there to collect them. We slept together. On the 12th, he called me from work in the evening to talk to me before he got too tired to be coherent. He was trying to make B look bad. It worked. He was paying attention to my words. My heart melted just a little bit. We slept together on the 13th, 15th and the 18th. Then he left for Calgary for a few days. When he got back on the 21st with a new crackberry, he texted me thinking it was the other girl he was sleeping with. On the 22nd, I ended our brief but torrid acquaintance for the first time.

On October 6th, he called me again. We went out with one of his friends. He told me that he ended it with the other woman because "it wasn't going anywhere". On the 8th, we went for a walk and he held my hand. The following two weeks were comfortable. We celebrated his birthday but he was sick and I looked after him. He took me to a gala at the nicest hotel in town the following saturday. He told me I looked beautiful. Twice.

Two weeks later, we celebrated my birthday. On November 12th, he went to Vancouver for a week. He called me every day, more than once. Usually several times. It was lovely. At that point, we were spending entire weekends together at his place. He still had not been to mine. Somewhere in there, things started to deteriorate. By the time we went to the hockey game on the 17th, he had started to be more of a jerk than a gem.

I look through my day planner for last year and it's not as though I had morphed into him. I had my own life. I was very busy. With school, with work, with friends. Wedding dress shopping and baby showers and marking and presentations. Maybe he started to resent that about me.

On December 10th, I got food poisoning after having dinner at his house. He wouldn't bring me soup. The tetra pak organic chicken broth sitting in his cupboard that I bought him when he was sick in October. Because that would be too much of a "boyfriend" thing to do. I ended things again for the second time.

I'm tired of men telling me I'm beautiful and funny and intelligent and awesome and superfabulousgreat. The words are hollow, their import devoid of any significance except "I wanna hump you from behind over the living room couch". It makes me hate myself for being unable to fill the void. I need affection and tenderness. I want hugs and cuddles and kisses and spoons. I crave meaning and longevity. Is this so much to ask?

I won't call Grey but I think I will change out of my pyjamas and have a cigarette. It's more (or less?) self-destructive.