Nothing weekend

I have nothing to blog about so I'm going to blog about nothing.

This weekend, I did next to nothing. After I handed in my thesis on Friday afternoon, I have no recollection of what happened afterward. Oh wait, I do remember. I went to my friend's husband's restaurant on the Danforth and had to leave before 1.30 am because I was so tired. Stinkin' Taste of the Danforth shut down half the street. It's a stupid festival because they hold it during the hottest part of the summer and there is never any shade or seating. Lame.

On Saturday, I looked at some more condos with my realtor and got fed up. Then I went to some open houses with a former coworker and was even more miserable. After that, I had early dinner and a drink with a different former coworker at Kalendar in Little Italy which was the high point of the weekend. I was home, on the couch in my pjs by 8 pm. My friend was supposed to phone me and drag me out salsa dancing but she forgot about me. I'm glad she did.

Sunday, I stayed in bed ignoring the phone until 2 pm when I got up and bought groceries for the first time in several weeks. Then I came home and did nothing.

All in all, I needed the weekend of unproductivity but I made up for it by working late tonight. God, my life without thesis is mundane. Hopefully I will buy a place soon and be able to bitch and moan about being house-poor and a slave to my mortgage.

Today

I did not buy a condo. I am not a homeowner. I still have money in the bank. It's a bit of a relief actually. I was going to put an offer on a place but, by the time I met with my realtor, there were already 5 other registered offers. He asked me what I wanted to do and I said, "a big fat nothing!" What the hell happened to the recession? Sheesh.

Also, I had planned to come home and celebrate not thesising tonight but I'm tired as crap. I really want to watch some Law and Order but my body is finally rebelling against me. I may actually have to go to bed.

Dream

I dreamt about Grey this morning. It was a weird dream. I haven't had one in a while.

We were having sex and he said to me, "this is as good as it's ever going to get baby".

Then a series of thoughts, like a camera on slow shutter speed. It's only ever going to be like this. Where we have sex on his schedule. Randomly. I will only ever be at his beck and call. Nothing more. Not with him. Not with anyone. And he knows it. He knows that I will always come when called. It must be nice for him to know that. He must feel comforted that I will always be there for him. That he won't ever have to be alone if he doesn't want to be alone. So in a warped sense, that makes me his. Forever. Because, while we are in this state of nothing, I won't ever find someone who will want me the way he doesn't want me. Who will be able to give me more. Who will want me to be more than just a warm body on a cold night.

I looked up at him, wide-eyed, like a deer in headlights and said, "that must be reassuring for you. To know that you'll always have me around because you know that I can't do any better than this".

I woke up crying.

Weekend Blogorrhea

I haven't written anything because I really don't have anything to write. I spent this weekend alternately sleeping and feeling nauseated. I must be fighting off the flu or something. I went out for Korean BBQ on Friday night and followed it up with bubble tea and ice cream cake. Birthdays. Ugh. Then Saturday, I slept until 12.30, thesised until 4.30 and then slept until 6.30. I ate nothing for most of the day and went out for Thai for another birthday dinner. It was horribly awkward for me. I didn't know anyone except the birthday boy and spent the entire time waiting for 9 pm to roll around so I could leave. Today I slept until 2.30 pm! Pretended to work (but reading this blog) until 7 and went over to A's parents house so they could feed me. Unfortunately I couldn't finish my food because I felt queasy. Serves me right for only eating Cheetos all day, I guess. Oh yeah, I also spent some time crying last night. I don't really recall why. I mean, it must have been because of Grey. I happen to know he was watching a movie with a friend and I was watching a movie alone. Oh right, I was watching Pretty Woman. Insomniac. Alone on the couch. With a chick flick. Great. My life is meaningless and empty. Now I remember why I haven't written anything all week.

Disaster

He's a disaster. He came over last night and stayed over (at my suggestion) because it was so late and we've been staying up late the last few nights (get your mind out of the gutter - I've been working late and thesising late). I don't have to go to work today so I had planned to sleep in while he went to work. Unfortunately his alarm didn't wake him up and he ignored me when I tried to wake him up. Until I reminded him he needed to get out before his car got towed. THAT got him moving. Slowly. It took him half an hour to get dressed, get out the door and call the towing company to find out where they took his car. He wasn't annoyed with himself for having to pay $200 to get his car back. He wasn't stressed about being late for his meeting. He didn't even get dressed right away when he discovered his car had been towed. And he didn't ask me to drive him to the impound lot. Maybe he assumed I would or maybe he figured he would get there somehow if I didn't offer. There was no frenzied rushing around or swearing or anything that I (or another normal person) would have done. I find that strange. I guess he does get stressed about things but not the same things that make me anxious. Fortunately I only had to drive him to pick it up and not to the meeting in a northern municipality that he's going to be very, very late for.

I'm going back to bed for a bit. And while I'm there, I'm going to try to convince myself to end it with D (for disaster) because I need someone who has his life together and is a bit more polished. I miss MFV.

Bed!

My bed is all set up and looks great! I'm so excited to go to bed tonight. I'm in my pjs and it's not even midnight yet. I'm hoping this bed will usher in a new era of better sleep. Fingers crossed.

I let 516 assemble it for me. I helped out but I wasn't the total controlling nazi that I would have been if someone else had been helping me. And he was really good about it. He was careful and thoughtful, read the instructions and corrected himself when he got something wrong. He was funny and I had a really good time with him. I promised I would feed him and we went for Indian. We talked a lot and I found myself thinking that I really like him. I hope we can be friends. He's clearly not interested though so maybe it's better if we're not friends. I have enough friends.

Anyway, it's going to be very busy for the next 24 hours. I'm not sure how I'm going to get everything done before I leave for NYC on Thursday morning. I'm feeling a bit anxious because I haven't started packing, I have no map or guide book and I haven't phoned my friend. But at least I have a brand new bed!

Night y'all.

What is wrong with me?

I didn't do much yesterday. Went to brunch with the girls and got groceries. Then I lazed about on the couch all afternoon. I think maybe because I didn't get home til 4.30 am after going out with the girls. Well, they weren't my girls. And there were boys there. One of them drives a 500 series BMW but he was drunk and I wasn't (I'm a lightweight - get drunk fast, sober up fast) so I got to drive it. It was freakin' awesome. At this moment, I am prepared to trade sex forever for a lifetime of driving a car like that. Sigh...

Today, I slept until 2 pm. 2 pm!!! I haven't done that for years. Maybe decades even. I don't know. The most productive thing I did all day was wax both of my legs. Usually I only wax one at a time because I get frustrated and bored. Today I got so tired from the waxing that both my legs were shaking. It was weird. Maybe my body is fighting something off because I'm tired and it's not even 11 pm. Maybe I'm just depressed. I miss C le V a lot right now but I'm not sure why. Maybe because he's the only person I have connected with on so many levels in many years and the prospect of meeting another man I can really talk to seems so slim.

I answered a craiglist personal this afternoon. I know. Shocking. I've never done that before. At least, not with the intention of meeting someone. We had dinner and it was nice. Not very awkward. And he was cute. Athletic. Opinionated and educated. We split dinner which normally is fine but he had two glasses of wine and a coffee and his meal was more expensive. Sigh. Where are all the decent guys?

Too many maybes and too many sighs. What a cruddy blog entry. What's wrong with me?

Ouch

I had the most wicked nightmares and woke up screaming "no" repeatedly. Now my stomach hurts and I went from hot flashes to freezing cold. It's not all bad as I would have slept in otherwise. I forgot I changed my alarm to 8 am yesterday. What I want most is to go lie on the couch and forget the nightmares. But I have to leave for a client's in 45 minutes so I'm getting in the shower. Hopefully the water is nice and hot this morning.

I'm glad we're going out tonight. I may need a nap though.

I am so very tired. I should go to bed. Maybe I will.

1.47 am update: I'm really going to bed now.

It didn't work. I tossed and turned and thrashed and moaned and it was not a pleasant night for anyone. I'm exhausted but I'm going to yoga in an hour. Hopefully that will make me feel better. I'm not sure that I'm up to boxing tonight. Perhaps I am trying to do too much...

Ouch

I went to the gym this evening. Not because I want to be a skinny girl who has straight legs, a concave stomach and can fit into a size 4 dress (because, let's face it, girls who wear 0 and 2 have no boobs and I like my boobs. They're actually very nice boobs, and significantly larger than they appear to be when I'm wearing clothes. I digress). The reason I went to the gym tonight is because I went to sleep at 4 something am yesterday. It was definitely after 4.11 am because that was the time of my last facebook status update. And I know that I didn't fall asleep right away because I remember thinking "why I am lying in bed awake?" And then I didn't sleep through the night because I remember being awake at various points. Although that might have been the night before. I went to the gym because I need to sleep. I need to sleep now and I would like to get at least 8 hours and wake up before noon. I have a lot of work to do, some of which involves a client deadline. Granted said deadline is not until next Wednesday but I want to not work this weekend. It is now 1.07 am and I would like to go to sleep now. So I am going to attempt that. Because, if I don't fall asleep very soon, all I will be left with after a very intense trip to cardio camp class will be sore hips, sore knees, sore ankles and sore feet but no size 4 body. Possibly sore abs and shoulders in 24 hours but those are okay because they're good sore not achy like I'm eleventy years old and my joints are breaking down and I need some Advil or Aleve or glucosamine chondroitin. It bodes well for me that the pain is making me incoherent. Maybe it will make me sleep too.

Mother of God life is an ironic bitch! Less than 9 minutes after posting this and my leg is asleep! Am I asleep? NO! But my leg?! Asleep!! Crap.

Just not that into me

It has been an exhausting few days. Last night I finished what was hopefully my final experiment. I have some analysis left to complete but it shouldn't take more than a couple of days next week. I also have to go to Montreal to run some samples there but that may not happen until the end of the month. So, other than having craploads of glassware left to wash, I feel pretty good.

I woke up this morning happy that I didn't have to get up and go somewhere. That felt good. So I checked my facebook and did the other things that are part of my daily constitutional. And then I went back to bed. I've been reading Maureen Jenning's Detective Murdoch mystery series and it's nice to read without falling asleep and losing track of the plot and characters. If Baby doesn't call soon, I'm going back to bed again.

While I was lying in bed reading, I got to thinking about Captain Wiggles. Since he canceled our date on Thursday evening, he hasn't emailed or called (unsurprising) or even commented on my many facebook status updates which have been about my trials and tribulations in the lab. Granted, nobody else has commented or checked in either so perhaps my expectations are unrealistic. Then I was thinking that, four dates in, and the man can barely bring himself to touch me. Respectful distance, my ass. I want to be with someone who is struggling to keep his manly, assertive hands off me. Someone who won't tell me that he's debating holding my hand or giving me a kiss. A man who will just do those things because he can read my body language and can sense that I'm into him enough that I won't object to his affectionate proximity. Even Grey managed to maintain a respectful but sexual-tension-filled nearness until I finally succumbed to his masterful seduction.

Clearly Wiggles is just not that into me.

Sleepless

Friggin' can't sleep for more than 3 hours at a time. This is getting ridiculous. Oh well, at least it's still raining.

Early notification

I'm taking today off. I was at the lab til 11 pm last night and barely remember anything that happened before that. I was going to clean and sort and purge today but I really just want to go back to bed. I'm helping Baby put up her gazebo this afternoon. And Grey already emailed me asking what's up for tonight. I told him to call when he's ready for me. Last week he emailed at 5 pm. I'll take this as "progress". Ha.

Sleepless

I slept all day today. Could not drag myself out of bed in the morning. Was almost late for yoga but miraculously showered and ate breakfast and picked up my yoga mat from the lab and still arrived a bit early. Then I came home and did nothing. Was reading on the couch after lunch and basically passed out. Didn't wake up til 6 pm when I realized I didn't know if my passport was valid. Leapt up, heart pounding to check. Only after making sure it was valid, realized that I don't need a passport to go to Windsor, Ontario. God, I'm stupid.

I wanted to do some real work today and didn't. Instead I watched several hours of recorded TV. Friends re-runs, 2.5 Men re-runs. Little Mosque on the Prairie and Sofie. The Daily Show for the whole week. I'm sure tomorrow will be very painful. Not least because I plan to be at work by 10 am and it's after 2 am now. I am starting to wonder if it's worth fighting sleep during the day. Perhaps I should just sleep when my body tells me to and suffer through the rest. I still think something is wrong but I can't figure it out. Maybe that makes me stupid. Perhaps I should start keeping a sleep journal.

Quiet early morning

I'm awake early again but for a different reason than yesterday. Yesterday, I was lying in bed and realized I was wide awake. It was still dark out. So I got up and did some stuff. And then I napped for a large portion of the evening. Today, I'm awake because I slept over at the mysterious guy's. Because of the combination of nap and sleeping with him, I only got about 2 hours real sleep last night. He started tossing and turning around 4 am and, after he woke me up, I couldn't fall back asleep again. He snored last night too for the very first time. It was still a relatively good night though considering I napped in the evening. I spent some of it just watching him. That sounds creepy but it's true. Watching and thinking, "do I really like this guy?" And he gave me a Hugo Boss tshirt that he doesn't wear anymore. Every time I put it on, I'll remember the way his hands felt running down my breasts and stomach. I have goosebumps right now.

He's starting to feel a bit less mysterious. The bodily functions I overheard during his shower made me chuckle a bit. It's nice that he's so comfortable around me, even if it makes me think "he's such a guy". On the other hand, he does ask my opinion about his outfits which is sweet. He also bit my ass this morning which is something B used to do. I really hope it doesn't bruise. When I left, he asked if I was going to leave my pillow behind. I wanted to, just as a way to leave my presence in the apartment, and a pillow is much less temporary than a pink toothbrush. But I also need all four of my pillows every night. Okay, I really only need three but maybe I'm not ready for that kind of permanence yet.

I found that I missed him during the day yesterday. Mostly because I had nothing to do. But I was very happy when he phoned me late last night. It was most definitely a booty call but I'm okay with that. One of his coworkers from London stayed with him last night so I'm wondering if the cat is out of the bag now but I'm sure he will be discreet. I wouldn't want our mutual friend to find out. Even though she did suggest the mysterious guy as a possible date option at lunch on Monday, I'm still not ready for her to find out that we're knocking boots. There are a few things that could potentially drive me nuts about him. He drinks too much, works too much, smokes weed and is a little too loud in the morning for my sensitive soul.

I really do like him though. There, I said it. I'm officially invested.

My tummy hurts but I yam okay with that today

It is April
It is snowing
It is 2.15 am as I start to write this
I yam swamped
I am tired
My tummy hurts
B is asleep on the couch
He is snoring
I would rather be asleep as well
Or at least pretending to sleep while he snores in my ear
I yam very sleep deprived
I am trying to fix my model that didn't work when I presented it in class on Monday
It is now worse
I have an entire paper to write before the 12th
I have an exam on Friday the 13th
I hope it will be my last exam ever
I don't know when I will get all of this work done
He leaves on the 12th
I am easily distracted by the shiny pretty thing on my hand
I got it yesterday
It came from a nice shiny store in Yorkville
In a blue box with a white ribbon
I like to look at it often
It is slightly too large for my finger
It is supposed to be "a taste of things to come"
And a gift to say thanks for making him so happy
I yam happy too
And not just because shiny pretty things make me happy
Now I know what all those crazy married people were talking about
It's true
You just know
I yam going to wake him up and tuck him into bed
I yam going to lie in bed next to him listening to snoring and wondering WTF is wrong with my goddammutherfukking model.

I should go to bed

I'm definitely getting sick. My throat hurts, I'm coughing and peeing like crazy. I hope that somebody comes by with a drill while I'm sleeping and puts some holes in my sinuses to relieve some of the pressure. I would like a total of six holes: one in each maxilla and four in the frontal bones, two in the top just before the coronal suture and two just above my eyebrows.

Okay, enough with the geekspeak. Drugs, bed, spoon fantasy...

His snoring sounds like a musical symphony

Okay, not quite, and I am grateful every night when I go to sleep alone that I don't have to share my bed or my bathroom with a stinky man... yet.

Is it possible to be happy and terrified at the same time? I'm too incoherent to express myself properly but I still think this is right for me. But I'm also scared to let myself hope that it is really real. That it's actually going to happen. That things will work out. I'm not ready to let myself dream yet. Is that such a terrible thing? To want to protect myself? I guess, maybe not, since we are still at such an early stage. He keeps saying he is sure that this is what he wants. I asked him today if he was sure. He said he was more sure than he had ever been. I want so badly to believe him that it's terrifying. He has more reason than I do to be scared after the way I treated him in the past. But he's willing to take the risk. And, I guess, so am I. I'm still scared though. That same feeling as jumping off a 20' high rock into the Ottawa River when I was white water rafting. That momentary sense of "!" as I leaned face forward out of the plane with a man strapped to my back before jumping out. Not quite the paralysing terror of white water kayaking when I was convinced I was going to die and realized I wasn't prepared to go.

My Valentine messaged me today. It was a bit strange. He wanted to know if I still wanted to be friends with him. I'm not sure why he would think otherwise. I hope that he'll come back. I was reminded again today of how much younger he is and how Vicky had warned me just over a year ago not to have any expectations of him. She was right. It's a good thing that he left me to fend for myself in my week of need just before my trip otherwise things might have turned out very differently. I might not have realized how much I needed someone in my life to look out for me when I'm unable to do it myself. I might not have recognized that in B. Might even have thought I already had what I was looking for. And I want for him to do the same for me.

It's crazy how the Universe works sometimes. I'm tired and my back hurts. I'm way overdue for bed but I was waiting until I was sure B was sound asleep in his bed before I hung up on the call. Unfortunately it woke him up but hopefully he's asleep again by now. I want to cuddle him and take care of him and tell him that everything will be okay.