I fired my realtor today. At least, I didn't *fire* him. I lied about my reasons for not seeing more places for the next couple of weeks. He has slipped a few times already and we have only been working together for 10 days. I don't intend to continue working with him. It's sorta like dating, I guess. I just want it to be over but I don't have the balls for the unpleasant honesty.
So there's a week gone in the quest to be not homeless. It feels like a setback but that's because I'm impatient and unhappy, unsettled and frustrated and lonely. I miss my shoes. And my bed. My pillow and sheets and kitchen utensils and did I already mention my shoes?
It's not really a setback though. I learned quite a few things. But I realize that I am officially a high-maintenance first-time home buyer. And I'm completely overwhelmed at the thought of doing this all on my own. MFV says I can talk to him but I can't. He's too busy at work to email me back and it's too late in the evening for us to have a reasonable conversation by the time he's home and has had dinner. I am tired and sad. I want him to move here so we can be together but I'm too scared to hope for that.
Fortunately work is an escape, though not having enough to do makes the time pass slowly. I think I have enough to do tomorrow that it should go by faster. And I think I'm going to get a new phone. I'm going to try out the iPhone for two weeks and if I can't handle the touch screen, the store manager will let me switch to the Blackberry. Many people tell me that I will never leave the iPhone once I get used to it. So I guess I have a date with my new iPhone tomorrow night. That, at least, feels like progress. I do need a new phone and, considering how much I am paying for just minutes now, I might as well get some fun stuff out of it.
Showing posts with label lonely. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lonely. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Lonely
I'm homesick. My Twitter/facebook update would go something like this if I wasn't afraid of sounding too vulnerable in front of the whole world:
Missing the sound of the furnace kicking on, the water sloshing around in my pillow, the feel of my bamboo sheets against my legs, the zen view from the couch, the hum of the fridge, my bedside water carafe, blue LEDs in my computer, the knowledge that I can walk around in the dark with minimal risk of bodily injury... Which is not to say that I am unhappy. Just feeling alone in the Universe and disconnected from the things which normally comfort me.
But actually, I am unhappy. I bought two pairs of shoes today which almost makes up for this disconnected, discombobulated feeling. Almost. Something isn't right in the world. I know what it is. It's the reason I spent the latter part of this evening watching the hockey game with a glass of sauvignon blanc and my shopping bags in a bar on Davie Street. I don't know how to fix it though. These things are apparently quite beyond me. What I want most is to bolt. I'm really good at running away. But what if I run away and never come back?
Missing the sound of the furnace kicking on, the water sloshing around in my pillow, the feel of my bamboo sheets against my legs, the zen view from the couch, the hum of the fridge, my bedside water carafe, blue LEDs in my computer, the knowledge that I can walk around in the dark with minimal risk of bodily injury... Which is not to say that I am unhappy. Just feeling alone in the Universe and disconnected from the things which normally comfort me.
But actually, I am unhappy. I bought two pairs of shoes today which almost makes up for this disconnected, discombobulated feeling. Almost. Something isn't right in the world. I know what it is. It's the reason I spent the latter part of this evening watching the hockey game with a glass of sauvignon blanc and my shopping bags in a bar on Davie Street. I don't know how to fix it though. These things are apparently quite beyond me. What I want most is to bolt. I'm really good at running away. But what if I run away and never come back?
Friday, February 5, 2010
Please, pretend?
Can you at least pretend you'll miss me when I'm gone?
This day went from mildly upsetting to upsetting to really upsetting. I'm glad it's over and I'm home where I'm safe from people who make me cry.
This day went from mildly upsetting to upsetting to really upsetting. I'm glad it's over and I'm home where I'm safe from people who make me cry.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
It's Complicated
I highly recommend that movie. I haven't laughed so hard in a very, very long time. And it made me think about past and future relationships and why we choose to be with the people that we're with.
Finance guy said I could call him when the movie was done so I wouldn't have to walk home alone. But when I phoned him on the walk home, he didn't answer. He rarely answers his phone when I call him. I'm starting to take it personally. It feels as though he is hiding something. Maybe me, from everyone else in his life.
Then I phoned MFV but he was heading to the movies with his little sister and couldn't talk. That's when I felt really alone.
I walked home alone in the cold. It was very quiet, snowing. And I cried.
Finance guy said I could call him when the movie was done so I wouldn't have to walk home alone. But when I phoned him on the walk home, he didn't answer. He rarely answers his phone when I call him. I'm starting to take it personally. It feels as though he is hiding something. Maybe me, from everyone else in his life.
Then I phoned MFV but he was heading to the movies with his little sister and couldn't talk. That's when I felt really alone.
I walked home alone in the cold. It was very quiet, snowing. And I cried.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Confused
I know I wrote recently that I would not blog about my relationship with MFV but I am feeling so confused at the moment and obviously have nobody to talk to about this. He has been spending time with my sister, which, at first I thought was sweet and helpful. And I still want to believe that's all it is. But he's been helping her catproof her new condo and I'm starting to turn a bit green around the gills. He doesn't even like cats! But he took her to IKEA today to get something which would help the situation. I wasn't really clear what that was though. A dog, maybe??
I'm not close to my sister. We're too different. I've tried but I just can't have a meaningful conversation with her. He has tried to reassure me that he's attracted to me and therefore would not be attracted to her. She's the skinny, pretty one. I got the brains (and I like to think the personality!). There were a couple of evenings when he didn't text me back and it wasn't until we talked later that he told me what he was doing but not who he was with. He only told me when I asked who he went with. After that, I told him that I would be more comfortable if he told me ahead of time that he was going to hang out with her. Otherwise it feels as though he's hiding it and he said it wasn't a big deal. But something feels off this evening. Maybe I'm imagining things.
I guess, if it's going to happen (or if it has already happened), there's nothing I can do about it. But, if it does, there's no way around it. I will feel betrayed.
I'm not close to my sister. We're too different. I've tried but I just can't have a meaningful conversation with her. He has tried to reassure me that he's attracted to me and therefore would not be attracted to her. She's the skinny, pretty one. I got the brains (and I like to think the personality!). There were a couple of evenings when he didn't text me back and it wasn't until we talked later that he told me what he was doing but not who he was with. He only told me when I asked who he went with. After that, I told him that I would be more comfortable if he told me ahead of time that he was going to hang out with her. Otherwise it feels as though he's hiding it and he said it wasn't a big deal. But something feels off this evening. Maybe I'm imagining things.
I guess, if it's going to happen (or if it has already happened), there's nothing I can do about it. But, if it does, there's no way around it. I will feel betrayed.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Pathetic
There are times when I wish I was not conscious. There are times when I wish I would never be conscious again. Instead, I dig a frozen cigarette out of the freezer and kill myself slowly. I know I am pathetic. I own that. I tell myself often, out loud, sometimes in public places when nobody can hear me. I call myself terrible names. It starts in the shower and doesn't stop until I get into bed, exhausted and unable to think anymore. I tell myself that everyone hates me, and they are right to hate me. I'm unlovable and unworthy of any kind of time or attention. That's the reason I'm alone. I deserve to be alone. So I will be alone. If not by choice, then by half-hearted intention. I am pathetic and I hate myself.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Yeah, what D said...
Oh wow! I was *totally* here today. I was heading out to meet coworkers for a post division meeting drink and couldn't find the stinkin' pub. After having a shitty day at the office, I almost went home in tears. But I forced myself to buck the shit up and call someone to get directions. I downed a very large glass of red wine and faked it for an hour. Now I'm home and bed looks so good that I may stomp on my phones, throw the computer out the window and never emerge from my pillow cocoon. Fuck you, life, I hate you!
Monday, October 12, 2009
Flip-flop
No, this is not a post about shoes.
Now I know how MFV was feeling about his NYC vs. Vancouver decision.
I go back and forth every few hours about wanting to stay here vs. wanting to move back. I mean, sometimes it's 50-50 and other times I'm about to hit the giant red button which says, "Screw you Toronto!"
When I left BC, it was always my intention to move back. When I was in Tofino in August 2006, I mailed A a postcard and asked her to send it back to me when I graduated. She hasn't done that. In fact, she has probably forgotten. But I remember. Why, then, is it so hard for me to make this decision?
I know that I want to be on the West Coast. I hate the weather and the traffic and the pretentiousness. I miss the rain and sushi and the ocean. I hate that Toronto is sucking the soul out of my body. I miss being able to look people in the eye when I pass them on the street and not feeling like I need to be more threatening than them. I know I am a different person when I live here. Not a better person. I have been acutely unhappy here and very much conscious of it, whereas I feel like I was happier overall in Vancouver.
I want a raise and a promotion. I want off this stupid project. I want to not commute to Mississauga or work out of the client office. I want to be closer to my best friend.
But there's something keeping me here. Is it fear of something? I don't know. There is nothing here for me. Well, there is one thing. It's the illusion of friends. There are a handful of people who really mean a lot to me. But those people want what is best for me and won't resent me for moving forward with my life. It's the peripheral people that will be more difficult to deal with.
One thing that I have learned the hard way is that I always lose people when I move. When I switched elementary schools mid-year, when I left home for Canada, when I left boarding school, then undergrad, then Toronto. You lose people. It's just too difficult sometimes for them to keep up. Frankly, I have a large social circle here. Large enough that I feel guilty saying no to people so that I can have time to myself. The sum of all those meaningless, trivial friendships is greater here than it was in Vancouver. But I have always felt the quality of my friendships there were much higher. So what am I afraid of?
Maybe I just need time to allow the weight of this decision to settle in. So that I can defend my choice to all those who will question me and feel abandoned. Or rather, to let their criticism and judgment and disappointment just roll off. Like rain on a duck.
Quack.
Now I know how MFV was feeling about his NYC vs. Vancouver decision.
I go back and forth every few hours about wanting to stay here vs. wanting to move back. I mean, sometimes it's 50-50 and other times I'm about to hit the giant red button which says, "Screw you Toronto!"
When I left BC, it was always my intention to move back. When I was in Tofino in August 2006, I mailed A a postcard and asked her to send it back to me when I graduated. She hasn't done that. In fact, she has probably forgotten. But I remember. Why, then, is it so hard for me to make this decision?
I know that I want to be on the West Coast. I hate the weather and the traffic and the pretentiousness. I miss the rain and sushi and the ocean. I hate that Toronto is sucking the soul out of my body. I miss being able to look people in the eye when I pass them on the street and not feeling like I need to be more threatening than them. I know I am a different person when I live here. Not a better person. I have been acutely unhappy here and very much conscious of it, whereas I feel like I was happier overall in Vancouver.
I want a raise and a promotion. I want off this stupid project. I want to not commute to Mississauga or work out of the client office. I want to be closer to my best friend.
But there's something keeping me here. Is it fear of something? I don't know. There is nothing here for me. Well, there is one thing. It's the illusion of friends. There are a handful of people who really mean a lot to me. But those people want what is best for me and won't resent me for moving forward with my life. It's the peripheral people that will be more difficult to deal with.
One thing that I have learned the hard way is that I always lose people when I move. When I switched elementary schools mid-year, when I left home for Canada, when I left boarding school, then undergrad, then Toronto. You lose people. It's just too difficult sometimes for them to keep up. Frankly, I have a large social circle here. Large enough that I feel guilty saying no to people so that I can have time to myself. The sum of all those meaningless, trivial friendships is greater here than it was in Vancouver. But I have always felt the quality of my friendships there were much higher. So what am I afraid of?
Maybe I just need time to allow the weight of this decision to settle in. So that I can defend my choice to all those who will question me and feel abandoned. Or rather, to let their criticism and judgment and disappointment just roll off. Like rain on a duck.
Quack.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Long weekends are lame
While work was a bitch this week, and I was looking forward to not being at the office for 3 days, now that the long weekend is here, I'm not happy about it. I hate long weekends. Everyone doing family stuff, eating yummy things and whatever other things families do together. Not that I want to be with mine at all. I mean, that would just make us all miserable. But I still feel lonely.
I get anxious having such a long expanse of time with so little to fill it in. I'm inventing things to do, none of which are bad and all of which I would normally want to do on a weekend. Like read the paper and watch tv and buy groceries and go to the gym. But the thought of forcing myself to stay busy while everyone else gets to relax fills me with dread. It's a good thing I brought work home.
And speaking of work, I'm inching ever closer to Vancouver. I heard today that there is stiff competition for job 1. And the person who is leaving job 2 hasn't even phoned to talk to me about whether I would be interested, even though that's what she told Douchebag she was going to do. Vancouver is not a bad opportunity. It's a big raise to go with a shiny new promotion. I love the city and it's feeling less and less like a backup plan every day. I am going to give myself until the end of the month to decide.
There are four things that worry me:
1. returning to a completely dysfunctional group, although the current state of dramarama is rapidly pushing me out the door;
2. losing my huge - if somewhat unsatisfying - social circle;
3. leaving my hairdresser;
4. not having a family doctor.
It is notoriously hard to get a family doctor. For almost 4 years, I went to the walk-in clinic. Ugh, bad.
I'm really going to bed early tonight. Hopefully nobody phones me after I fall asleep.
I get anxious having such a long expanse of time with so little to fill it in. I'm inventing things to do, none of which are bad and all of which I would normally want to do on a weekend. Like read the paper and watch tv and buy groceries and go to the gym. But the thought of forcing myself to stay busy while everyone else gets to relax fills me with dread. It's a good thing I brought work home.
And speaking of work, I'm inching ever closer to Vancouver. I heard today that there is stiff competition for job 1. And the person who is leaving job 2 hasn't even phoned to talk to me about whether I would be interested, even though that's what she told Douchebag she was going to do. Vancouver is not a bad opportunity. It's a big raise to go with a shiny new promotion. I love the city and it's feeling less and less like a backup plan every day. I am going to give myself until the end of the month to decide.
There are four things that worry me:
1. returning to a completely dysfunctional group, although the current state of dramarama is rapidly pushing me out the door;
2. losing my huge - if somewhat unsatisfying - social circle;
3. leaving my hairdresser;
4. not having a family doctor.
It is notoriously hard to get a family doctor. For almost 4 years, I went to the walk-in clinic. Ugh, bad.
I'm really going to bed early tonight. Hopefully nobody phones me after I fall asleep.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Quiet time
I took a sick day today. I'm sure, if you read my previous post, you are unsurprised. But I feel much better for having stayed home not doing anything all day except wonder whether my landlady has been paying for cable for 3 years which I have not been getting. I digress. I had a very quiet day. I worked for a bit in the morning but had to go back to bed. I was sitting here at my desk with the heater on, wrapped in a blanket, shivering. Serves me right, I know. But I woke up in the afternoon carrying around a heavy lethargy. I slowly started feeling normal in the evening, even lonely and pathetic for missing my thesis, and I hope this will be the end of the thesis defense exhaustion. I don't know, maybe it will take a bit longer.
Did I mention already that I'm going to Mexico for a week on Sunday? Oh yes, lithe 25-year old bikini bodies. I'm also concerned about spending that much time with people. I'm used to being alone. I'm used to making autonomous decisions and then changing my mind and nobody being the wiser. I hope it will be a fun, relaxing girls trip. And, most of all, I hope I don't return wishing that I had booked a solo trip to Jamaica.
Did I mention already that I'm going to Mexico for a week on Sunday? Oh yes, lithe 25-year old bikini bodies. I'm also concerned about spending that much time with people. I'm used to being alone. I'm used to making autonomous decisions and then changing my mind and nobody being the wiser. I hope it will be a fun, relaxing girls trip. And, most of all, I hope I don't return wishing that I had booked a solo trip to Jamaica.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Douchebag redux
He called tonight, after sending 8 nonsensical drunk texts, and wants to date me again.
For those of you not keeping up or new to the blog, look for any posts since May with the word "disaster" in it.
I don't know how many times I have to say no to this guy. The thing is, I know that he only wants to hit it because I keep saying no to him. The second I let him back in, he'll be gone again. I'm not one of those women who is naive enough to believe that men change.
We talked for an hour. Because we have an important meeting at work on Wednesday and I need for everything to be fine. It took a lot of time away from my thesising and I didn't want him to know how much his text message hurt me. But I did end up telling him that I was angry about his decision that I wasn't good enough for a relationship but that he'd be happy to do me anytime.
Fucking guys. Always know how to make me feel like I'm less than nothing. Good thing I'm seeing Grey tomorrow night. He'll remind me that I am actually worthless.
For those of you not keeping up or new to the blog, look for any posts since May with the word "disaster" in it.
I don't know how many times I have to say no to this guy. The thing is, I know that he only wants to hit it because I keep saying no to him. The second I let him back in, he'll be gone again. I'm not one of those women who is naive enough to believe that men change.
We talked for an hour. Because we have an important meeting at work on Wednesday and I need for everything to be fine. It took a lot of time away from my thesising and I didn't want him to know how much his text message hurt me. But I did end up telling him that I was angry about his decision that I wasn't good enough for a relationship but that he'd be happy to do me anytime.
Fucking guys. Always know how to make me feel like I'm less than nothing. Good thing I'm seeing Grey tomorrow night. He'll remind me that I am actually worthless.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Overworked and unpaid
I want to kill myself. It will all be over soon and I can see the end of it but I don't want to do this anymore. The thing that surprises me most about this period in my life is how little support I seem to be getting from my friends. Maybe I should just ask for help but I have never been very good at that. I just figured that somebody would say, "hey can I bring you some dinner?" or "do you want me to help you run some errands?" but no. Not a single offer of help. Well, that's not true. One of my friends offered to read it but she did an arts degree and MBA so I doubt the damn thing would make any sense to her. I did ask a former coworker to check over my data for me but she said no. I was pretty surprised about that. I guess if you've never done it you have no idea how insane it really is. This is by far the most work I have ever done in my life. I don't think I have ever been this stressed and I have done some things. I know that I'm alone in the Universe so I don't expect to be taken care of. But I'm surprised that nobody has even though to offer some support. So no, I'm not asking anyone for help. I feel very lonely and isolated right now.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Withdrawal
I have puppy love withdrawal. I missed him before I even left. We spent the day with my buddy and his mom's dog and it wiped us all out. I was sad to come home tonight. I got all misty in the car. Okay, I'm lying. I cried. Gah.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Lonely
I can't believe I'm actually lonely. I'm sitting here, pretending to work on my thesis, next to the dog, and I'm freakin' lonely. What the hell is wrong with me? Sigh. Maybe I'm just feeling down because it's Monday night, I'm tired, stressed and it's extremely quiet in here. There's just the sound of me typing, the dog breathing and the fridge. And some traffic. I'm not sure why the quiet bugs me here. Maybe because I'm not in my own home? Last time I was here, the TV was in the living room and, despite not getting cable, I could turn it on and get whatever the antenna picked up. The dog seemed to like the noise and it didn't seem quite so intimidating to be here by myself. Not that I'm by myself. The dog is pretty good company when he's not being a hyper spaz.
It got so bad that I phoned Grey. I actually picked up the phone, dialed his number and did not have a conversation with him. He was working as usual. I attempted to have a conversation with him but he just wasn't having any of it. I shouldn't have called. Obviously I know that. I'm just retarded. So then I cried a bit and the dog came and put his head in my lap and stared up at me with his huge black eyes. That helped. I feel like an idiot. Maybe it's just hormones.
It got so bad that I phoned Grey. I actually picked up the phone, dialed his number and did not have a conversation with him. He was working as usual. I attempted to have a conversation with him but he just wasn't having any of it. I shouldn't have called. Obviously I know that. I'm just retarded. So then I cried a bit and the dog came and put his head in my lap and stared up at me with his huge black eyes. That helped. I feel like an idiot. Maybe it's just hormones.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Dream
I dreamt about Grey this morning. It was a weird dream. I haven't had one in a while.
We were having sex and he said to me, "this is as good as it's ever going to get baby".
Then a series of thoughts, like a camera on slow shutter speed. It's only ever going to be like this. Where we have sex on his schedule. Randomly. I will only ever be at his beck and call. Nothing more. Not with him. Not with anyone. And he knows it. He knows that I will always come when called. It must be nice for him to know that. He must feel comforted that I will always be there for him. That he won't ever have to be alone if he doesn't want to be alone. So in a warped sense, that makes me his. Forever. Because, while we are in this state of nothing, I won't ever find someone who will want me the way he doesn't want me. Who will be able to give me more. Who will want me to be more than just a warm body on a cold night.
I looked up at him, wide-eyed, like a deer in headlights and said, "that must be reassuring for you. To know that you'll always have me around because you know that I can't do any better than this".
I woke up crying.
We were having sex and he said to me, "this is as good as it's ever going to get baby".
Then a series of thoughts, like a camera on slow shutter speed. It's only ever going to be like this. Where we have sex on his schedule. Randomly. I will only ever be at his beck and call. Nothing more. Not with him. Not with anyone. And he knows it. He knows that I will always come when called. It must be nice for him to know that. He must feel comforted that I will always be there for him. That he won't ever have to be alone if he doesn't want to be alone. So in a warped sense, that makes me his. Forever. Because, while we are in this state of nothing, I won't ever find someone who will want me the way he doesn't want me. Who will be able to give me more. Who will want me to be more than just a warm body on a cold night.
I looked up at him, wide-eyed, like a deer in headlights and said, "that must be reassuring for you. To know that you'll always have me around because you know that I can't do any better than this".
I woke up crying.
A few months ago, a friend asked me if X was the big love of my life. I was vague with her but no, he was not. I know that. Sometimes I worry that the big love of my life has passed me by. That I'm done loving for this lifetime. That I had it for a moment, but I chased it away, or it eluded me, and now it's gone forever. Or The One didn't share the feeling. What happens if The One doesn't also think you're The One? I am so lonely but I have grown used to the lonely. Not entirely comfortable with it but now it's such a fact of life that I can't imagine my life without this feeling.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Weekend Blogorrhea
I haven't written anything because I really don't have anything to write. I spent this weekend alternately sleeping and feeling nauseated. I must be fighting off the flu or something. I went out for Korean BBQ on Friday night and followed it up with bubble tea and ice cream cake. Birthdays. Ugh. Then Saturday, I slept until 12.30, thesised until 4.30 and then slept until 6.30. I ate nothing for most of the day and went out for Thai for another birthday dinner. It was horribly awkward for me. I didn't know anyone except the birthday boy and spent the entire time waiting for 9 pm to roll around so I could leave. Today I slept until 2.30 pm! Pretended to work (but reading this blog) until 7 and went over to A's parents house so they could feed me. Unfortunately I couldn't finish my food because I felt queasy. Serves me right for only eating Cheetos all day, I guess. Oh yeah, I also spent some time crying last night. I don't really recall why. I mean, it must have been because of Grey. I happen to know he was watching a movie with a friend and I was watching a movie alone. Oh right, I was watching Pretty Woman. Insomniac. Alone on the couch. With a chick flick. Great. My life is meaningless and empty. Now I remember why I haven't written anything all week.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Guy code
Tonight he said he missed me and would call me but no phone call. We all know that's the dating kiss of death. Guy speak for: hey you're hot and all but not great enough for me to stick around and deal with your personality.
Sigh.
I want to cut the guy some slack because of the kid and all but, at the same time, I don't want to be naive about him just because he has extra responsibilities. He knew that he needed to call me tonight if he wanted to make plans for the weekend. So no plans involving boys this weekend.
What is wrong with me? Am I that awful?
Sigh.
I want to cut the guy some slack because of the kid and all but, at the same time, I don't want to be naive about him just because he has extra responsibilities. He knew that he needed to call me tonight if he wanted to make plans for the weekend. So no plans involving boys this weekend.
What is wrong with me? Am I that awful?
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