Homeowner

I'm back online. It turns out Bell can't provide me with internet service in my new building so I had to switch to Rogers. I finally set up my computer but the place is still a disaster. The living room is full of boxes and there's a lot of work to do. It turns out the work of a homeowner is never done. It's overwhelming and exhausting so I'm going back to bed for a nap. My coworker was supposed to get married today but dodged that bullet and is having a party to celebrate her singleness. It's going to be a long day. There's other stuff going on too. MFV moved here last weekend and I really don't want to see him or talk to him but I can't abandon him now. So much has happened in the last three months that I can't possibly begin to recap it all. It turns out we're totally incompatible as a couple. It's ironic how I can be sexually compatible with someone and not able communicate with him at all. Shades of Grey. Our communication really deteriorated in April and May and we haven't really spoken at all in June. He still thinks he can try but, the truth is, there is another. The other doesn't seem promising at the moment and the whole thing hurts my heart. At least I'm not homeless anymore.

Setback

I fired my realtor today. At least, I didn't *fire* him. I lied about my reasons for not seeing more places for the next couple of weeks. He has slipped a few times already and we have only been working together for 10 days. I don't intend to continue working with him. It's sorta like dating, I guess. I just want it to be over but I don't have the balls for the unpleasant honesty.

So there's a week gone in the quest to be not homeless. It feels like a setback but that's because I'm impatient and unhappy, unsettled and frustrated and lonely. I miss my shoes. And my bed. My pillow and sheets and kitchen utensils and did I already mention my shoes?

It's not really a setback though. I learned quite a few things. But I realize that I am officially a high-maintenance first-time home buyer. And I'm completely overwhelmed at the thought of doing this all on my own. MFV says I can talk to him but I can't. He's too busy at work to email me back and it's too late in the evening for us to have a reasonable conversation by the time he's home and has had dinner. I am tired and sad. I want him to move here so we can be together but I'm too scared to hope for that.

Fortunately work is an escape, though not having enough to do makes the time pass slowly. I think I have enough to do tomorrow that it should go by faster. And I think I'm going to get a new phone. I'm going to try out the iPhone for two weeks and if I can't handle the touch screen, the store manager will let me switch to the Blackberry. Many people tell me that I will never leave the iPhone once I get used to it. So I guess I have a date with my new iPhone tomorrow night. That, at least, feels like progress. I do need a new phone and, considering how much I am paying for just minutes now, I might as well get some fun stuff out of it.

I almost ruined everything

And I prefer not to think about it, nor discuss it. Ever. Again.

It's Complicated

I highly recommend that movie. I haven't laughed so hard in a very, very long time. And it made me think about past and future relationships and why we choose to be with the people that we're with.

Finance guy said I could call him when the movie was done so I wouldn't have to walk home alone. But when I phoned him on the walk home, he didn't answer. He rarely answers his phone when I call him. I'm starting to take it personally. It feels as though he is hiding something. Maybe me, from everyone else in his life.

Then I phoned MFV but he was heading to the movies with his little sister and couldn't talk. That's when I felt really alone.

I walked home alone in the cold. It was very quiet, snowing. And I cried.

Pathetic

There are times when I wish I was not conscious. There are times when I wish I would never be conscious again. Instead, I dig a frozen cigarette out of the freezer and kill myself slowly. I know I am pathetic. I own that. I tell myself often, out loud, sometimes in public places when nobody can hear me. I call myself terrible names. It starts in the shower and doesn't stop until I get into bed, exhausted and unable to think anymore. I tell myself that everyone hates me, and they are right to hate me. I'm unlovable and unworthy of any kind of time or attention. That's the reason I'm alone. I deserve to be alone. So I will be alone. If not by choice, then by half-hearted intention. I am pathetic and I hate myself.

I need some advice

I had dinner with Pink Dress today and her car died when she arrived at my place. She phoned her mechanic and invited him to dinner with us. This is the same guy that called me chubby and blonde last October.

I thought I could pretend to be fine for a couple of hours but I don't think I can ever spend time with both of them together again. I'm still really hurt by what he said and he set me back light years with those comments. I know that he means nothing to me and I should just discard his opinion but I just can't get his words out of my head. I was so self-conscious of everything I ate at dinner tonight that I couldn't finish my meal.

I'm not sure if I should tell Pink Dress that I don't ever want to see him again or just forget it. The worst part is that she seems to think that he has a thing for me and there is no way in hell that I can purposely spend time with someone whose mere presence reinforces my neuroses about my low self-esteem and weight and food issues. Am I being insane?

Update: Grey, our mutual friend and MFV all told me I should tell her so I just sent her this email.

Okay, I don't know how to say this so I'm just going to come right out with it.

I know the mechanic is your good friend but I can't hang out with him again. When you said you had invited him to dinner, I thought I would be fine with it but it turns out I'm still not over him calling me chubby and blonde last October. I realize these are my neuroses and he probably had no idea that he would touch on such a sensitive issue. I'm sorry, I know he's good to you. But I really have to assert myself on this one. I was really uncomfortable last night and that makes me unhappy because I was looking forward to catching up with you. Do-over on Saturday?

Douchebag redux

He called tonight, after sending 8 nonsensical drunk texts, and wants to date me again.

For those of you not keeping up or new to the blog, look for any posts since May with the word "disaster" in it.

I don't know how many times I have to say no to this guy. The thing is, I know that he only wants to hit it because I keep saying no to him. The second I let him back in, he'll be gone again. I'm not one of those women who is naive enough to believe that men change.

We talked for an hour. Because we have an important meeting at work on Wednesday and I need for everything to be fine. It took a lot of time away from my thesising and I didn't want him to know how much his text message hurt me. But I did end up telling him that I was angry about his decision that I wasn't good enough for a relationship but that he'd be happy to do me anytime.

Fucking guys. Always know how to make me feel like I'm less than nothing. Good thing I'm seeing Grey tomorrow night. He'll remind me that I am actually worthless.

Withdrawal

I have puppy love withdrawal. I missed him before I even left. We spent the day with my buddy and his mom's dog and it wiped us all out. I was sad to come home tonight. I got all misty in the car. Okay, I'm lying. I cried. Gah.

Call 9-1-1

There is a global shortage of manly men. I'm declaring a state of emergency.

June 4, 2009

I'm wearing black and white today.

http://www.thestar.com/news/world/article/645408
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/04/opinion/l04china.html
http://www.thestandard.com.hk/news_detail.asp?pp_cat=15&art_id=82984&sid=24056140&con_type=1

Bump in the road

As much as I want to, I can't pretend to be happy right now. I heard from C le V today. The details are irrelevant. Basically I extended an olive branch in the form of an April Fool's joke and he made it very clear that he is angry with me. I don't know what I did but I'm done trying. No more dating, no more hoping, not more trusting. I thought I was doing better but today everything that I thought I achieved in the last two weeks has come undone.

Not that into me

I think it ended badly. I say "I think" because it all happened so fast. He was cold and cruel and angry and distant. I'm not sure why he even phoned me today. I cried so hard, sitting on the hallway floor with my face in a towel worrying whether the neighbours would hear. Then I went out to see He's Just Not That Into You with a girlfriend. Unfortunately, I learned nothing new because I've read the book backwards and inside out about eleventy bajillion times. Now I have a headache and feel utterly nauseated. I'm waiting for my clean sheets to come out of the dryer so that I can cry myself to sleep in bamboo-cotton papyrus blend. I just have one question. If I can't spot the jerks, how am I supposed to avoid them? Maybe they're all jerks.

Hurt

Does anyone else think this email thread is a not-so-subtle rejection? I am actually quite upset. I'm officially giving up and allowing myself to be upset this weekend.

On Fri, Mar 13, 2009 at 4:52 PM, C le V wrote:

Nice subject line!
Sounds like a nice weekend... Apparently it's the St-Patties day parade on Sunday, so the plan may change, but it looks like it's going to be another quiet domestic weekend... not the drink-fest you seem to have planned (no comment on the Dirty Dancing!)
Sucks for the thesis... but better late than never, I guess.

On 3/13/09, EB wrote:

What?? You're not a fixture on the lucky lesbian leprechaun float? But you look so good in green!

So... as much as I am scared to ask (or scared to hear your answer), will I be getting a phone call from you this weekend? It would be nice to hear your voice again at some point. It's fine if you're busy and stuff. I just thought I would go out on a limb here and ask.

On Fri, Mar 13, 2009 at 5:01 PM, C le V wrote:

I would answer 'yes', but I don't want to create any expectations... so 'no' it is.

Out of sorts

I am so lonely today. I'm tired which is probably a major part of it. I talked to my former Valentine for an hour on the phone. I talked to A for a while too. And Baby. My landlady phoned to renegotiate my rent. I told her I would get back to her tomorrow after I see some more places with my realtor. I even emailed back and forth at work with C le V. But here's the kicker. I haven't heard from him since 5 pm when he left for the gym.

My mind is constructing all kinds of scenarios. Most of them involving a wife or a girlfriend or multiple other women. He is clearly just not that into me. Why can't I just accept it and move on?

Also, Grey's pocket phoned me again today and left a 3 minute long message. I kept telling myself to delete it but I didn't. He had some girl over. He called her by the wrong name. Then he said he couldn't believe that he did that. And she said that it wasn't like he just met her. She sounded very young. Then he offered her a drink and she chose water. Evian. At least she has good taste in water. Then there was more conversation which I couldn't make out and he laughed really loud. Then the call ended.

My former Valentine offered to phone him and ask him to delete my number. If it happens again, I am going to take him up on his offer. I'm tired of this.

I suck

I took a nap this afternoon and now I can't sleep. I wish I had someone to talk to.

C le V called me this afternoon because I was feeling down. I felt better after I talked to him. Then, after the nap, I realized that he hasn't called me "sweetheart" since Saturday. Something has definitely changed. I'm scared to find out.

Also, in more bad news, I lost the apartment that I had decided to rent. They rented it the night I saw it, for $90 a month less than the list price, starting tomorrow. Crap. Maybe I should just put all my stuff in storage and be homeless until I can afford to buy my own concrete box.

I'm going to bed now. Not because I'm sleepy. But because it will be easier to cry myself to sleep. Or not sleep, as the case may be.

Unattractive

I got up late this morning and didn't write to C le V so I decided to write this evening. Initially after I arrived home, I was feeling really dizzy so I lay down on the couch and ended up passing out for a couple of hours. Whenever that happens to me, I wake up groggy and lethargic.

I learned something else about myself too. I had trouble writing to him. The stuff I was thinking about wasn't something I felt ready to share on paper. Because, frankly, it's a bit humiliating and I don't want him to see my insecurity. I read through the last 4 days and realized that I sounded happier in the mornings compared to the way that I sounded this evening. The thing is, I wasn't unhappy when I was writing to him this evening. But I couldn't get the words to flow. I stopped and started several times. I think I was just tired and worn out. And I think I'm like that most evenings which is why I blog in the evening. I need the outlet. And maybe part of the reason that I am feeling insecure about him is because he's not here to talk to me in the evenings and reassure me that everything is okay.

And that's the part that sucks. I shouldn't need that reassurance. I should be confident all the time, not some needy, whining, clingy woman who needs to be emotionally propped up all the time. But why do I get this way? Is it because I'm tired? Or is there some weird psychological effect the darkness has on me? Do I get this way on long, sunny, summer evenings too? It was raining and foggy all day today and that made me happy (yes, I'm weird, I realize that).

Maybe the reason I'm still single at such an advanced age is because I'm cranky in the evening hours when I'm supposed to be relaxed and sociable. I feel as though I'm cranky all the time. I know I'm not a morning person. But now I'm not a night person anymore either. I feel like I suck all the time. Do I deserve to be alone because I'm not warm and comforting and peppy and shiny enough?

I said I wasn't unhappy before but I definitely am now. I'm going to go cry myself to sleep.

Headache part duh

I spent a solid 12 hours working on my thesis data today. I took a quick break to have lunch with a friend I haven't seen since October but it was otherwise all work all day. I really hope I made a dent in in because I'm starting to hate Excel. Did you know that you can reset your menus if you lose a button somehow? I learned that today. I also learned that, if you drag and drop the Goal Seek... button, it disappears and there's no way to find it again. Momentary panic.

I didn't finish everything that my supervisor asked me to do, mostly because stats software is crap. Can somebody do a 1-way ANOVA analysis for me please? My head is pounding.

I'm struggling a bit with withdrawal from C le V's daily, witty email. I miss him a lot. He was on facebook this evening and I think that actually made it worse. He's only been gone 4 days and I'm already starting to second guess myself. That maybe he isn't as invested as I am. Maybe he's playing games. Maybe he'll come back and decide he doesn't want this anymore. I was staring out the window a few minutes ago reminding myself that I'll be alone forever and it'll be worse when I'm 60 because Grey will be dead and there won't be any more cuddling.

I've been dreaming about him. In my dreams, he phones me and chats to me like nothing has happened. Like he didn't ask me to never speak to him again. Sometimes he gets mad that I took that seriously. Because he didn't mean it and I misinterpreted that statement the same way I misinterpret everything he says to me. But really, how many interpretations are there?

Sometimes I am overwhelmed with the thought that he may never call me again. On Friday night, it crept up out of nowhere and I burst into tears. Fortunately I was alone on the couch and nobody knows. A secret shared between me and my oversized Christmas penguin. But mostly I'm relieved. Not now as I write this, but in the mornings when I wake up and in the evenings when I come home from work and all the times in between when I can focus on work or school. Relieved that I won't have to ride that rollercoaster anymore. I won't be his alleyoop yo-yo, his verbal punching bag, his cigarette-stained, nicotine-filled, slightly worn and charred around the edges stress spittoon.

But right now, at this very moment, I sit here in the dark and I wish that there was just one more tight spoon. One more gentle kiss with one hand on my neck and the fingers of his other hand entwined with mine. One more knowing look into the centre of my soul that makes me wonder if we have known each other for all eternity.

That's enough now.

What? - Grand Finale

(Disclaimer: NSFW along with most things on this blog!)

I'm very close. Very close. Teetering on the edge even. I have resolved to be honest on my blog because I am too ashamed of him and of myself to be honest with my girlfriends. And I don't often feel that way.

On Saturday night, I had bubble tea with the girls and their husbands. Usually when I go for bubble tea I order a large and then say "ugh, too many bubbles! Why do I always do this to myself? Moan." But this weekend, I ordered a small. It took a supreme effort of self-discipline but I did it and didn't regret the small at all. Yay me. I think I might be learning something. Slowly.

Today, I spent the day with Grey. We didn't talk. We didn't really do much. We went for dim sum and I got upset because, when I complained about working from home on weekends, he said I only work one day a week in a voice full of contempt, scorn and disdain. I got angry. I actually got teary eyed when we were waiting for our table and had to escape to the ladies room for a minute. I spoke up enough that he finally claimed to see the error of his ways and apologized. Then, of course, we didn't talk at dim sum. We waited almost an hour to get my car washed and, instead of trying to talk to me then, he kept trying to shove his hand up my skirt. Repeatedly. He even unzipped his pants and pulled out his penis at one point. Yeah, that's right. I almost kicked him out of the car.

Then we went to the drugstore to get him something to help him sleep. By the time we were at his place, his buddy had phoned and was right behind us. The three of us ended up sitting on the couch watching the Superbowl and eating pizza. Grey trash talked me a lot tonight. Some of it was truly appalling. Maybe it was just part of guy's Superbowl night but I have trouble believing that his buddy would say the same stuff to the girl he is currently seeing. We all laughed it off as part of the macho funny guy act but I am hurt and unimpressed. I sent Grey an email when I got home because I was too embarrassed/scared/awkward/worried about making his friend feel awkward to say something at the time. And I knew that if I didn't send him an email tonight, it would go into the vault of things he wouldn't remember but I can't let go.

Re AshleyMadison.com: Grey was saying he should go on that site but he's not married. I told him that if he was going to sign up for a website that facilitates affairs, he might as well lie about being in a relationship. I mean, that's hardly a stretch, right? He said, "yeah good point. I should say my girlfriend is a tall, hot, 5'10" blonde..." Suffice it to say I am none of those things. I looked askance at him and he said that his brain is often way behind his mouth and some of the stuff that comes out makes no sense. Oh, it makes plenty of sense.

His buddy was considering spending $500 on a winter coat for the new girlfriend: Grey said that he would never spend that much on me. His buddy just shook his head. I said "yeah, but we're not dating".

He also said the following two things. I think the context is irrelevant:

1. I won't fuck you hard if you don't finish your dinner.
2. I should bitchslap you with my cock.

My response to the first was to push away my dinner plate. My response to the second was "you could try but it won't reach". I couldn't believe he said that to me. In front of his buddy.

Eventually his buddy left. I thought we would talk. Stupid me. He just wanted to have sex.

When I left, he hugged me and asked if we could do it again some time after he got a good night's sleep. I said "whatever, I won't wait forever". But actually, I think I might be done with him. I think that it has finally started to sink in that I'm better off without him. I can be remarkably intelligent about everything else in my life. In fact, in general I pride myself on my rapid brain speed. But this... why has this taken so long? Did I require some sort of external boost to my self-esteem to figure this out?

I couldn't wait to get home to talk to C le V tonight. He could tell something was off but I told him that I didn't want to talk about it because it was unimportant, irrelevant and would be bad karma for us. It would be so great if we somehow end up together. I miss him. I hope that I'm good enough for him.

Montreal highlights and lowlights

I just spent 2 hours on the phone with The Other Guy. I really like talking to him. Enough that The Crush's company pales in comparison. Here are the weekend highlights. And some very lowlights.

Friday
Made good time to Montreal with the princesses. Road trip was fun but was very nervous at prospect of seeing The Other Guy.
Got upgraded to an outrageously awesome suite.
Looked hot.
Went to a gorgeous apartment in the gay neighbourhood for drinks.
The Other Guy was there. It was marginally uncomfortable but I distracted myself by playing with the hostess's teacup Yorkshire terrier.
Went to La Mouche. Danced with fabulously hot stomp dancer. Talked to a tall, dark and handsome man briefly.
The Other Guy got wasted, was obnoxious, hitting on me and everyone else, including the hostess with the teacup Yorkshire terrier. Her boyfriend and his entourage was unimpressed. As was I.
Shouldered the responsibility of getting him home before he got us all kicked out and/or in a fight with the guys we were with. Missed out on saying goodnight to tall, dark and handsome man.
While in the cab and on the walk home, The Other Guy proposed marriage and some other unsavoury (albeit interesting) things. Was too focused on making sure he remained upright to pay any real attention.
Spent the next two hours making sure he didn't aspirate his own vomit and mopping up said vomit. It's hard to roll a 167 lb man onto his side.
Called The Crush. He showed up with their friend The Player to rescue me. Was profusely grateful.
Got back to my hotel at 4.30 am.

Saturday
Woke up and dealt with the aftermath of Friday night.
Went to breakfast with The Crush and our respective entourages while The Other Guy stayed home. Spoke to him on the phone though and filled in some gaps.
Walked halfway across downtown (uphill to St Laurent) in search of bagels. Only realized after an hour that The Crush had not actually GoogleMapped the address and had only a vague idea of where he was taking us.
Put the pissed off princesses in a cab and went back to the hotel for a nap.
Got ready for Saturday night. Looked *OUTRAGEOUSLYHOT*. Seriously.
Went to a fabulous sushi place. Was reminded that The Other Guy tried to kiss the hostess with the teacup Yorkie.
Played bad cop and uninvited The Other Guy. Felt shitty. Was not sufficiently entertained by The Crush to take my mind off it.
Went to W. Felt inhibited by The Crush's sister. Not that there was anything specific. Just felt unflirty while she was sitting next to him.
Danced with stomp dancer from Friday night. Felt significantly better. Got very sweaty. Ended up having a great time.

Sunday
Woke up, packed, rolled out after successfully locating the bagel place on St Viateur.
Made it home in good time but all the while missing The Other Guy and disappointed that I didn't get to see him after Friday.
Exchanged text messages with The Crush. He was too tired to come over tonight.
Watched a ton of CSI NY while trying not to fall asleep.
Received phone call from The Other Guy at 10.30 pm.
Talked and laughed. A lot. Felt confused but happy. Sort of.
Hung up phone at 12.30.
Wrote blog entry.

Sigh. Why are men so useless? Scumbags even? He was sufficiently thankful and sorry for the Friday night fiasco. But I'm more disappointed that the chemistry with The Crush seems to be dying. It may be related to his general disorganization and lack of planning. Also, he still doesn't make me laugh.

I'm not sure if I can be friends with The Other Guy. He does things to me. Makes me laugh and miss him. I guess I have feelings for him and I don't think I can handle a friendship at this point. If I ever speak to him again, I may have to tell him that. Is it okay for me to tell him that? Plus, it's not really fair to The Crush. Maybe I shouldn't be dating him either. Maybe I'm not really even dating him! We're definitely sliding into the friend zone. Perhaps it's time for a boy hiatus.

Catlady spinster

I'm feeling inarticulate.

The Crush is a busy, busy guy. I want to be with someone who has time for me. That probably sounds crazy because of how much time we spent together this weekend. And I was very happy that he sent me a text message this evening when I was trying to be aloof and make him chase me. But then he didn't have time to talk because he was going to see a house with his friend the real estate agent. Why am I so goddamn picky??

I miss The Other Guy. I'm nervous about seeing him next weekend. I hope I can keep it together and be chill and dignified and carefree. What is wrong with me??

My former Valentine called me this evening. We talked for an hour. I really miss that guy. He didn't speak to me for a year and now we're back to talking about sex and backup plans and relationship crap. He was drunk and I cried. He doesn't know that I cried. Maybe he cried too and I don't know it.

I'm going to end up alone. Aren't I?

PS Asshat, where are you?