Relationships

Relationships are strange things. I work hard and play hard and expect to savour the rewards of my efforts. But relationships don't work that way. It doesn't matter how hard you bust your ass. If you're with someone who is not also busting their ass.. well, then you're just a fool. You're also a fool if you date douchebags and think they're interesting and entertaining. I suppose I had to turn 30 to learn that lesson!

Anyway, I realize that my previous post made it seem as though I'm lonely in Vancouver but I really couldn't be happier. Yesterday, I spent a lovely, sunshiney afternoon on Granville Island. I met MFV for lunch, read a book on the dock, got a pistachio ice cream cone, shopped, met MFV for coffee and eventually wondered home for a late afternoon nap. Then I met one of my favourite girlfriends for dinner in Yaletown and she filled up my soul and left it overflowing for the next person. It was a really good day. It has been a really good few weeks. I needed the break. I needed to rest. I needed to reconnect with myself. I needed to enjoy myself. I have done all those things. This has maybe been the best few weeks of my post-grad student life.

The thing is, when you start a new relationship with your bestest friend in the whole world and you also happen to be living with that person, the slightest bit of distance or withdrawal doesn't go unnoticed. But because you're living with this person, even though you might be second-guessing everything he says, you can't deal with it the same way you normally would. You can't play hard to get or give him his space or wait for him to come to you. You have to continue with the things you have started doing every day. Like washing his cereal bowl and coffee mug. And doing the laundry and buying groceries for dinner and planning your weekend getaway. And spooning with him as he falls asleep. I'm not suggesting for a minute that I would rather be in the other situation - the one where I could retreat to my cave and wait for him to come get me - after all that has not worked out so well in the past for me! But it does present a slightly different challenge. Ah, the male ego...

I am still trying to figure out this little problem. How to be a gentle, caring, loving partner without smothering the poor guy. How to still be the fun BFF and not morph into my usual relationship neuroses monster. How to be okay with having sex even when I'm not feeling 100% connected and dealing with those feelings with the minimum of drama. It's tough. I haven't been in a real relationship for many years. Maybe I never was. I never really experienced any sort of emotional intimacy with X, even though he was my best friend. I have had plenty of physical intimacy in the last couple of years, thank you Grey. But we never connected on an emotional level, in fact very much the opposite with him pushing me away whenever I would start to get close.

This is different. Better. Much, much better. But strange new territory for me. He got mad at me the other night. It was a stupid, trivial argument. And while we have moved on, we haven't really dealt with it. I'm not sure what the issue is. Probably that I am a giant, raving, condescending beyotch. I should fix that.

However, it could also be temporary. If he doesn't find work in Toronto, we may never be together again after next weekend. I intend to make the most of the week we have left. He is my BFF after all.

NEW.RED.HIGH.HEELS

Oh yeha baby, my shoes arrived today! I am so excited. They are ridiculous shoes, much higher than I would normally wear and I wouldn't have bought them - despite their being on sale - if I wasn't already planning to wear them to another event in May.



















To be really honest though, I am more excited about the dress I'm going to wear. I have never in my life been excited to wear a stupid old dress. But this dress... well, I love it. I LOVE IT. I am so excited I feel like I'm 7 years old again playing dress up in my mother's closet.




















I don't care that I will be solo. Actually, I'm almost looking forward to it. It's going to be a good night

Life lessons

I had the lovely lady grad students over for fondue tonight and now I'm too tired to do anything except mention that it was a nice evening. I have a vat of chocolate fondue leftover though so I suspect fondue redux will ensue.

I learned a life lesson earlier this week and I would like to share it. I'm paraphrasing from Criminal Minds.

it does get easier and, one day, you remember and it doesn't hurt anymore... and you're happy.

Of all places, I realized that in Superstore when I walked by the Cadbury creme egg display.

Several years ago, at Easter, I set up a little Easter Egg hunt for X. He loved those little creme eggs and I must have hidden a dozen of them around our apartment. He found most of them immediately but some he didn't find until summer. It was nice for me that he was so excited at the time, and continued to find nice little surprises months after we had both forgotten about creme eggs.

When I walked past the display, I smiled and laughed a little. I texted him to ask if he remembered. I didn't hear back but that's okay. It was nice to have an unexpected, happy NSA memory of a past relationship.

Epilogue

Warning: I yam drunk.

Remember finance guy? Well, I *like* him. Warning bells! Danger! DANGER!

The Universe has a fucked up sense of humour. Why, Universe? WHY??

We went for dinner. He let me talk. I was superemotional today and I just needed to talk. And he listened. He really seemed to be paying attention. Literally, as soon as I got upstairs (fine, I will admit that I needed a cigarette after all the post-leaving announcement BS), I had an email from him.

Thanks for agreeing to go out with me and the very fun evening. I would go with you tomorrow. The problem is I'd want to spend just as much time with you as tonight. Hopefully I made enough of a positive impact that the 'other suits' will pale by comparison. ;). Have a great evening. Btw, you looked stunning. Let me know if I'll have the pleasure of your company sometime soon.

What a cheeseball. The thing is, it's kinda nice that he's cheesy. We talked a lot. Oh wait, I already said that. I'm drunk. I want to see him again.

FTW? Why, Universe?? Gah.

Mmmm coffeeee

My thing right now is Starbucks' Christmas lattes. Specifically, the peppermint white mocha. Now normally, I am not a fan of flavoured anything. My usual is a decaf tall non-fat vanilla extra hot latte. I choose vanilla over sugar. It's marginally better for you. But I decided to try the pumpkin spice latte and wow was that ever yummy. So, when Christmas lattes came out, I decided to be a little less Scrooge and a little more adventurous. I gotta say, the gingerbread latte and the creme brulee latte are just gross. Gross, gross, GROSS! But the peppermint with chocolate and coffee and whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles.... party in my mouth people! Merry holidays :)

Perfection

Today is turning out to be pretty perfect. This morning I got called for an interview for the only job to which I have applied since I finished school. It's pouring rain and sunny and I'm under the rainbow (not sure if this means I'm the pot of gold or the leprechaun) and there are dump trucks and steam rollers working outside my window. MFV sent me chocolates from Daniel le chocolat Belge for my birthday and I just ate a hazelnut mouse. It was like having a party in my mouth. I mean, really, what else can a girl ask for?

2^ 5 has been the best birthday ever

I just had the best birthday ever. MFV phoned at 11.30 to wish me a happy almost birthday and we probably talked for a couple of hours about stuff and stuff. It was tough to get up in the morning but it sorta felt like Christmas - minus that whole having to go to work thing. I got my free birthday latte from Starbucks - yay! - and my coworkers took me out to lunch which was so surprising and really nice. I really did not expect that at all. I even brought my lunch today which I NEVER do.

In the afternoon, I met up with my financial advisor. That was my birthday present to myself. I didn't lose as much as I thought in the last couple of years. Only around 4 or 5% of my portfolio. This was due to sheer dumb luck. When I last saw her in 2007, I had intended to buy a place in 2008 so we moved a lot out of equity into money market. Then, because I didn't see her for 2 years, we never moved it back out and I weathered the storm quite nicely. Actually, I should give her more credit for that. I'm sure that if I had been too aggressive with my equity balance, she would have let me know. She also asked me about my target retirement age. Whether I was looking at 60 or 55. I laughed and said 55 would be nice but, considering that I'm 32 years old today and still don't own a house, I doubt I can do both. She said she would run some numbers and see what happens.

Then the girls came over this evening for dinner. Pink dress made vegetarian chili which is phenomenal. Our mutual friend brought wine and cheese, all of which were fabulous. She also brought over molten chocolate lava mini cakes. Oh lord. And my belly dance teacher brought herself and some cheery spirits. It was really nice. It was good to feel loved. Also, my facebook wall literally exploded today. It was really unexpected and overwhelming and touching to feel so much love in my life.

But the icing on my cake might have been unexpectedly receiving a gift in the mail from MFV. He mailed me a Moroccan teapot stuffed with chocolates from Daniel le chocolat Belge. And a really sweet card. I might be falling in love with that stupid boy.

Anti-douchebag

MFV just left. We had a really great weekend. Not just because we had fun but because he is a really great guy. A good man. In fact, he is almost the man I need him to be. Amazing what three years can do to a 24 year old. Despite one long year of not speaking to each other (2007-2008), our friendship has stayed tight. I rely on him like nobody else and, this weekend, I realized what it means to have a man around who is capable of being a grown up. He took care of me which felt so good. He helped me make decisions. He was quiet when I disappeared into my thoughts. He was protective and thoughtful and responsible and considerate. I want that from a man, and the douchebags, while entertaining, pale in comparison to him.

For three years, I have missed him and loved him like my best friend. Because that's what he is. But today, I might have started to fall in love with him. Which scares me to death because I don't really know how he feels about me. He looks at me like he really sees me. He makes me laugh without really trying which is not easy with my nerdy sense of humour. I can be myself around him and it is nice not to have to keep my guard up all the time. He can even see beyond the face I present to the world to the sensitive, vulnerable person that I am hiding from everyone. It has been a long time since I could spend 48 hours with someone and not feel exhausted by their company. Which is not to say the weekend wasn't thoroughly exhausting.

Dinner on Friday at Ruth Chris to celebrate his raise and my degree was amazing. Then salsa dancing with Baby and Delorean at El Rancho. My former salsa partner has improved vastly and I frankly couldn't get enough of him. I could have danced all night...

When we got home, he kissed me and I freaked out and we talked. We talked about the past and our futures and decided that there's nothing wrong with friends fooling around. It was nice, actually. Okay, the sex wasn't mind blowing the way that it is with Grey but MFV has only been with three other women. Counting him, I am into double digits. I wonder if he will be my last.

Saturday was brunch and the Ontario Science Centre. We're a pair of giant nerds and had a really good time. Dinner at the Host with friends and then Nuit Blanche. I'll post photos later. We stayed up til 4 am walking all over downtown before my legs gave up outside the Art Gallery. We had dim sum this morning and then read the paper and had dinner on the way to the airport.

I cried when he left. I don't know if I'm just tired and overwhelmed or if this is just a passing emotional phase. I miss him. I hope we end up in geographically closer cities. I know that the ideal situation in the short-term would be here for me and NYC for him. But long-term, maybe it's better if we're both in Vancouver. Who the hell knows what he is thinking though? I suspect that I'm more than a long distance booty call but I have been wrong in the past.

He's back from Morocco at the end of October. In the meantime, I have some decisions to make about work.

U2

Without a doubt the best concert I have ever been to.

Honey, I'm home!

Mexico was stinkin' HOT! It took me a couple of days on the beach to stop twitching with anxiety that I wasn't being productive. But I eventually settled in and now I have the tan lines to prove that I was not sitting at my desk for 8 days :) I am planning on writing a bit more but right now I have a lot to do. I have to put on my pjs, bake some brownies, lie on the couch, watch me some TV and then eat said brownies with a tall glass of cold (lactose-free) milk. As you can see, I have a very busy evening ahead of me.

DONE!

I'm done! DONE! DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE! Yay :)

God, it is such a good feeling. I am so relieved it's over. And it went surprisingly well. To be honest (because I can do that here), I am really impressed at myself for doing such a good job with the presentation and the questions. It felt as though they went on and on forever but actually it was short at an hour and 15 minutes. I got a lot of compliments on the quality of my work and my thesis document itself. The former chair of the program (who is a silver fox hottie with a wonderful exotic accent) said that he really liked what I had done and was happy. When I left the room for their deliberations, he said to me, "you can relax now". Le sigh. I think I am in love with that man. Anyway, many compliments later, they nominated me for the Governor General's Gold medal award. Nobody from my program has ever won it because it's tough to publish in science but it felt good to even get the nomination and it will look rather nice on my CV :)

Grey was good enough to come pick me up after I had a few celebratory drinks. At one point, just as we were getting into bed, I was lying there thinking, "what if I just dreamed all of this and I have to defend it all over again!" Momentary panic. I imagine I will have more days of waking up and thinking those thoughts.

For now, back to bed for a nap. This afternoon, I have a big pile of library books to return. And this evening, more drinks with bubbles :)

Congratulations me!

And this is why I heart him

From: Me
Sent: August-20-09 7:21 PM
To: Grey
Subject: Are you in town?

This storm is insane. There's a tornado watch for the City of Toronto right now and one touched down at Vaughan Mills. I'm trapped at school in the graduate office because I didn't get out of here in time. The thunder is loud and I'm scared. Hold my hand? ;)


From: Grey
Date: Thu, Aug 20, 2009 at 7:22 PM
Subject: RE: Are you in town?
To: Me

Yes its insane!! Quite the view from the apt. Please consider your hand held :)

Grey | His crazy executive job title
Where he works
His email address

It's funny because it's true

Including myself. I'm a cold-hearted bitch.

Grey is the best lover I have ever had (not that I've had many)

This post is going to be somewhat explicit so skip it if you are a prude*

So, after more than a week of building up to it, I went over to Grey's last night for some lovin'. Now, he's been out of town for some time and we had tentatively planned this "meeting" but there was nothing set in stone. I knew he was coming back in the evening but we hadn't set a time. We just knew we were going to knock some boots together when he got home. It turns out that his flight didn't land until midnight and we were both hungry and, by the time I got to his place after picking up a Double Big Mac (for him),I was tired and just wanted to go to bed. Apparently so did he. So we brushed our teeth and jumped into bed. And then had almost the best sex that we have ever had.

My head was on the verge of exploding just about the entire time. I don't know how long it lasted or when we went to sleep but I slept like the dead last night. Which is unusual, to say the least. I really can't explain it but he did things with his fingertips and his hands and his lips that nobody has ever done to me before. There wasn't really anything different than just regular old vanilla sex. There were no crazy multiple orgasms or funky oral sex or kinky positions. It's not like we could have made a million with a sex tape or anything. But it felt as though my nerves were going to jump out of my skin and run away. You know when you just stop kissing but your noses are close together and your lips are just barely touching? How you just end up with synchronized breathing because everything else feels so good that kissing becomes distracting? Yeah, it was intimate in the best way. It was really something else.

And then of course there was the cuddling and the spooning and the rolling over together which is always so comforting. The only strange thing was that he had a nightmare and woke up yelling something. But otherwise, it was just short of perfection. I don't know why we fit together so well but it makes me not want to waste my time dating anyone else. Especially douche bags at work.

We went for dim sum this morning and we actually talked about stuff which was also unusual. He still wants kids. And I still don't want kids. He is still making jokes about sleeping with other women. Younger women. 20-year olds. Strangely enough, I was feeling super confident this morning so I asked him, "so are they better than me? Because I wouldn't think that younger would necessarily mean better?" And he came right out and said that he isn't sleeping with anyone else. Finally! It only took him 2 years to admit it. It felt pretty good, not because I expect him to be faithful to me. I have never expected that and he knows that. Hell, I haven't exactly been faithful to him. We've never been in a "relationship". But it felt good that my instincts about him are right. That he's just the guy who talks big but won't actually follow through. Also, it's reassuring to know that my last blood work was redundant.

The icing on the cake was my witty repartee on leaving. He asked, "where's my blow job?" "In the same place as my orgasm". I left him laughing his ass off.


*You know who you are. No nasty comments please.

More puppy crap

We walked and played a lot today. Slinky came by to play too. We went to the park and threw the ball around and almost played with the other dogs. There were a lot more dogs today than there were yesterday. And then we walked to the grocery store and Slinky bought dinner and then we came home and she cooked me dinner! It was great. Puppy is finally tired so I think I'm doing something right. Although he has been very poopy the last couple of days. I'm not sure if it's all the twigs he has been chewing on in the park. Even when I throw his ball, he goes running for it but then finds a branch and pounces on that instead. At least he's having fun. I feel bad that he's so matted and dirty. I'm tempted to take him to the groomer so that we don't have to deal with his scruffiness and smelliness for the next three days. But that stuff is not cheap. Anyway, it's so great to see big good looking men with cute little dogs. There was one guy with a tiny little boxer puppy. Man, was she ever cute. She had his eyes :)

Solo dinner

Wow, was I ever angry yesterday? Who was that beyotch? Sheesh.

Today was rough too but only because I didn't get enough sleep last night. And apparently I hadn't made up the calories either because I was hungry for most of the day. I had KD for dinner last night (I know, ghetto) and leftover KD for lunch (more ghettO). But breakfast was relatively healthy: yoghurt and All-Bran buds. I had a coffee too (decaf with skim milk). But by the time the afternoon rolled around, I needed something large and hot (get your minds out of the gutter boys!) and chocolatey. I followed the large hot chocolate up with two organic chocolate chip cookies. But I was still hungry when I got home. I talked to A on the phone for a while and then decided I needed a large hit of protein. So I walked to Crispy Roll on Queen Street for solo dinner. Well, that's not completely true. I took Malcolm Gladwell with me. He's such a fascinating dinner date. I digress.

For dinner, I had wakame (seaweed) salad which is packed full of iron. Then I had beef gyoza (maybe I needed the fat?). I finished up with two pieces of hokkigai (surf clam, which I just learned is unsustainable so booo) sushi and six (that's right, six!) pieces of salmon sashimi. By the end of dinner, I was feeling very muchly happy. I actually enjoyed myself. It was nice to be on my own in a quiet restaurant with just the right amount of food and a stimulating book. Plus, it helps that I don't have to pay for transit in this city anymore.

There are brownies in the oven and an episode of Chuck on the faux PVR. Yay I like my life today :)

I got my first real six string...

Aside from that whole having to go to work thing today, and the current screaming-like-a-crazed-groupie-concert-induced headache, I had an awesome day today.

I went to the Bryan Adams concert in Hamilton and rocked the duck out baby! "The only thing that looks good on me is SHOES!" He he. Yes, I realize I yam taking creative liberties with his lyrics but mine are funnier, don't you think? Yeah, that's what I thought you'd say.

Also, my new boots arrived today! Unfortunately I won't be able to wear them tomorrow because the temperature is supposed to drop to minus eleventy bajillion degrees and, given that it is currently three degrees above zero, the entire city will be coated in ice when I wake up. Oh, I wonder if that means the subway doors will freeze shut. Mental note to check before leaving the house tomorrow. Working from home would be a serious bonus. You know, having internet and food and no clients dropping in while I attempt to eat breakfast at my desk at 2.30 pm.

Dear Commuting Gods, please freeze the TTC shut tomorrow morning. Thank you!

Silly

Can I take a moment here to write something sappy? After all that Grey crap, I feel I deserve at least one blog entry like this. In advance of aforementioned mopey blog entries.

Text messages between C le V and moi:

Moi: I wish you were just a little bit closer.
C le V: Takes two steps SW ... This better?

Sigh. Is he cute or am I just retarded?

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving dinner was fun. It went a lot later than I thought it needed to and I was ready to come home. I'm exhausted so I'm going to crash. A couple of things worth nothing are that:

1. He smiled at me a lot
2. We sat very close to each other on the couch. But only because I went to sit next to him.
3. There will be photos on facebook.

Yay :)

Bubbles

He still makes time stand still when he smiles at me...