I bought a condo

Conditions waive next week so I still have a lot of work to do... and buyer's remorse to experience. I'm tired. Very tired. But I have a great realtor. I heart him. I definitely could not have done this without him.

Setback

I fired my realtor today. At least, I didn't *fire* him. I lied about my reasons for not seeing more places for the next couple of weeks. He has slipped a few times already and we have only been working together for 10 days. I don't intend to continue working with him. It's sorta like dating, I guess. I just want it to be over but I don't have the balls for the unpleasant honesty.

So there's a week gone in the quest to be not homeless. It feels like a setback but that's because I'm impatient and unhappy, unsettled and frustrated and lonely. I miss my shoes. And my bed. My pillow and sheets and kitchen utensils and did I already mention my shoes?

It's not really a setback though. I learned quite a few things. But I realize that I am officially a high-maintenance first-time home buyer. And I'm completely overwhelmed at the thought of doing this all on my own. MFV says I can talk to him but I can't. He's too busy at work to email me back and it's too late in the evening for us to have a reasonable conversation by the time he's home and has had dinner. I am tired and sad. I want him to move here so we can be together but I'm too scared to hope for that.

Fortunately work is an escape, though not having enough to do makes the time pass slowly. I think I have enough to do tomorrow that it should go by faster. And I think I'm going to get a new phone. I'm going to try out the iPhone for two weeks and if I can't handle the touch screen, the store manager will let me switch to the Blackberry. Many people tell me that I will never leave the iPhone once I get used to it. So I guess I have a date with my new iPhone tomorrow night. That, at least, feels like progress. I do need a new phone and, considering how much I am paying for just minutes now, I might as well get some fun stuff out of it.

Lonely

I'm homesick. My Twitter/facebook update would go something like this if I wasn't afraid of sounding too vulnerable in front of the whole world:

Missing the sound of the furnace kicking on, the water sloshing around in my pillow, the feel of my bamboo sheets against my legs, the zen view from the couch, the hum of the fridge, my bedside water carafe, blue LEDs in my computer, the knowledge that I can walk around in the dark with minimal risk of bodily injury... Which is not to say that I am unhappy. Just feeling alone in the Universe and disconnected from the things which normally comfort me.

But actually, I am unhappy. I bought two pairs of shoes today which almost makes up for this disconnected, discombobulated feeling. Almost. Something isn't right in the world. I know what it is. It's the reason I spent the latter part of this evening watching the hockey game with a glass of sauvignon blanc and my shopping bags in a bar on Davie Street. I don't know how to fix it though. These things are apparently quite beyond me. What I want most is to bolt. I'm really good at running away. But what if I run away and never come back?

Procrastination

The other job called and emailed this morning while I was sleeping in on my last real day off. I haven't called or emailed back yet. I'm not sure why I'm putting this off. I wanted that job. The past tense being the key here. Do I still want that job? Do I want to live in Toronto? I'm happy here, but maybe it's because I'm homeless and crashing with MFV. This idyllic little setup can't last forever so eventually I'll be on my own again with all the regular anxiety and stress and loneliness. So, where would I rather be miserable? Here where it's rainy (which makes me happy) or there with my girlfriends (who at least fill the void sometimes). I should call the HR Manager back and find out what's going on. But first I'm going to take a long, hot shower and think.

I'm not moving

Which is not to say I won't be homeless. I still have to be out of my apartment on Friday but now I don't know where I'm going. I am completely exhausted and overwhelmed and emotional and fighting off tears. The last few days have been an emotional roller coaster and it appears the ride is not over yet.

The short version is that I might be staying in Toronto. The new place is working on an offer but it won't be ready for a couple of weeks, maybe three. However, my new group manager in Vancouver is okay with that. I was completely floored and impressed at his reaction. He was totally supportive and said that I definitely would not burn a bridge by pursuing the other opportunity. It was such a generous, totally cool reaction. So now, I have some time to make a decision. I just hope it is the right one.

However, my movers are still coming tomorrow morning and I'm frantically trying to figure out what to do with my stuff. If the national movers take it, they will charge me $1500 to pack, load and store for 1 month. I hope I can find local movers to put it into storage in my friend's basement for a couple of months. I'm not sure what the penalty will be for not using the national movers. I'm not sure that will actually save me any money. But it seems like $1500 is a lot for 30 days of storage! This is the overwhelming part. But I'm still going to Vancouver on Friday, and to Oregon for the weekend, so it will just have to sort itself out somehow.

I am going to be relieved when I'm finally at the airport. I will probably be a basket case. And I can't wait to see MFV. I really need a hug.

Back that Hyundai up...

Dammit to hell I hate women drivers! I was in my underground parking lot, just trying to get upstairs to bed because I'm sick and being stubborn about taking drugs. Perhaps if I had been properly medicated, my reaction time would have been faster and I would have been able to throw my car into reverse when the woman in front of me decided to back up without checking to see who was behind her.

She slammed into me pretty hard. Not a glance behind her at all. She was young and driving her daddy's car. She was profusely apologetic but I got her insurance information anyway. I think I'm fine - I'm shaking and in pain but that could be because I'm sick - and I don't really see any damage to the car. But it's going on a train across the country in less than a month so I don't want to take any chances.

I really need a hug. Enough to let Jesus come over with dinner and hold my hand while I drink my neo-citran. Actually, he did that the last two nights so clearly it has more to do with me being a big sucky baby when I'm sick than getting slammed in the front end. It turns out that the things I find most annoying when I'm fine are the things I find most comforting when I'm sick. I didn't ask him to hold my hand. He just did it. And for a while, I kept moving my hand away and then he would reach for it again later. He has been very attentive. Which is nice, for now. Until my glands are no longer swollen.

I know I'm a terrible person for taking advantage - and how bitchy am I when I'm not sick that those things annoy the hell out of me? - but I'm sure that he's just waiting until I'm well and truly dosed up on decongestant and antihistamines and ibuprofen to take advantage of me!

Flip-flop

No, this is not a post about shoes.

Now I know how MFV was feeling about his NYC vs. Vancouver decision.

I go back and forth every few hours about wanting to stay here vs. wanting to move back. I mean, sometimes it's 50-50 and other times I'm about to hit the giant red button which says, "Screw you Toronto!"

When I left BC, it was always my intention to move back. When I was in Tofino in August 2006, I mailed A a postcard and asked her to send it back to me when I graduated. She hasn't done that. In fact, she has probably forgotten. But I remember. Why, then, is it so hard for me to make this decision?

I know that I want to be on the West Coast. I hate the weather and the traffic and the pretentiousness. I miss the rain and sushi and the ocean. I hate that Toronto is sucking the soul out of my body. I miss being able to look people in the eye when I pass them on the street and not feeling like I need to be more threatening than them. I know I am a different person when I live here. Not a better person. I have been acutely unhappy here and very much conscious of it, whereas I feel like I was happier overall in Vancouver.

I want a raise and a promotion. I want off this stupid project. I want to not commute to Mississauga or work out of the client office. I want to be closer to my best friend.

But there's something keeping me here. Is it fear of something? I don't know. There is nothing here for me. Well, there is one thing. It's the illusion of friends. There are a handful of people who really mean a lot to me. But those people want what is best for me and won't resent me for moving forward with my life. It's the peripheral people that will be more difficult to deal with.

One thing that I have learned the hard way is that I always lose people when I move. When I switched elementary schools mid-year, when I left home for Canada, when I left boarding school, then undergrad, then Toronto. You lose people. It's just too difficult sometimes for them to keep up. Frankly, I have a large social circle here. Large enough that I feel guilty saying no to people so that I can have time to myself. The sum of all those meaningless, trivial friendships is greater here than it was in Vancouver. But I have always felt the quality of my friendships there were much higher. So what am I afraid of?

Maybe I just need time to allow the weight of this decision to settle in. So that I can defend my choice to all those who will question me and feel abandoned. Or rather, to let their criticism and judgment and disappointment just roll off. Like rain on a duck.

Quack.

Long weekends are lame

While work was a bitch this week, and I was looking forward to not being at the office for 3 days, now that the long weekend is here, I'm not happy about it. I hate long weekends. Everyone doing family stuff, eating yummy things and whatever other things families do together. Not that I want to be with mine at all. I mean, that would just make us all miserable. But I still feel lonely.

I get anxious having such a long expanse of time with so little to fill it in. I'm inventing things to do, none of which are bad and all of which I would normally want to do on a weekend. Like read the paper and watch tv and buy groceries and go to the gym. But the thought of forcing myself to stay busy while everyone else gets to relax fills me with dread. It's a good thing I brought work home.

And speaking of work, I'm inching ever closer to Vancouver. I heard today that there is stiff competition for job 1. And the person who is leaving job 2 hasn't even phoned to talk to me about whether I would be interested, even though that's what she told Douchebag she was going to do. Vancouver is not a bad opportunity. It's a big raise to go with a shiny new promotion. I love the city and it's feeling less and less like a backup plan every day. I am going to give myself until the end of the month to decide.

There are four things that worry me:

1. returning to a completely dysfunctional group, although the current state of dramarama is rapidly pushing me out the door;
2. losing my huge - if somewhat unsatisfying - social circle;
3. leaving my hairdresser;
4. not having a family doctor.

It is notoriously hard to get a family doctor. For almost 4 years, I went to the walk-in clinic. Ugh, bad.

I'm really going to bed early tonight. Hopefully nobody phones me after I fall asleep.

D-Day

It is D-day. One more sleep and then I will wake up and do the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I know it will be hard because this is my life we're talking about. One more sleep with my thesis and the whole thing will (hopefully) be over. Although... there is a guy in my program who defended today and did such a stellar (sarcastic) job that he has to re-defend in 2 months. Apparently this "university" just will not let anyone fail! Yay for that. This time tomorrow I plan to be drizzunk and/or asleep. One Master's thesis defense coming right up.

Angry

I'm really angry. My primary thesis supervisor is AWOL and I had planned to do a run-through this week with my co-supervisor. And the two places that listed yesterday which I was going to see with my realtor this afternoon sold. WTF? I hate everything right now. I realize it is a lethal combination of stress and PMS but I'm angry. I'm throwing a mental temper tantrum people. Silently while I sit here in the graduate student office. I'm like a little invisible fire-breathing dragon witch with smoke and steam coming out of all the orifices in my head.

Defense T minus 11

Defense is on August 27 at 2 pm. I am starting to feel overwhelmed and stressed and anxious. Really, the thing that worries me most is the unpredictability of questions. Everything else will be okay provided I spend every spare second of every day between now and then preparing thoroughly. I have to finish my presentation before Thursday which is when I will be doing a run-through with my supervisors. Then I have another week to think of and prepare answers to questions. Basically, anything I wrote in 150+ pages is up for debate. I'm scared.

I took yesterday off to decompress with the other grad students. We had brunch at Watermark in the Harbourfront Centre and ended up at the beach at Ward Island which was actually not completely disgusting. We may go back in two weekends when we're done with our defenses. In the evening, we ordered pizza and had a drink and bitched and moaned and complained about school and thesis supervisors. It was fun and I might even miss these girls when we're done. I probably won't see them again after convocation.

Meanwhile, Grey went here last night. http://www.wickedclub.com/

I don't know how much more of his crap I can take. I know that I have been saying that for the last year and a half but I'm starting to feel used and abused. Underappreciated and taken advantage of. It's wearing me down slowly. Well, maybe when the thesis is over, I will welcome the drama back into my life.

Speaking of drama, MFV might come visit at the end of September on his way to Morocco. While I want to go with him to Morocco, I'm not sure if our friendship can stand this test of real life exposure. I haven't seen him in 3 years. I don't know if he knows what he wants from me but I'm tired of guys flip flopping between wanting to be with me and not wanting to be with me. Don't I deserve to be with a man who knows what he wants? I guess I will wait to worry about him until I see a flight number.

Also, that place I didn't make an offer on? It sold for more than $30K above asking. It appears I can't actually afford to buy the type of place I want in this godforsaken city. It has been a bad news day all around.

My head hurts

I handed in the second draft of my schmesis this morning so I took tonight off and saw Angels & Demons. I really enjoyed it but now I'm feeling a bit guilty for not doing any work. I suck. I'm going to see a dentist on Thursday afternoon because I have started grinding my teeth. It's getting so bad that my ears hurt. Usually it's my left shoulder so this teeth this is really new. I might try to book a massage this week as well. Sigh. I need someone to come over and rub my face.

What the...?

My body is demonstrating signs of stress in one very unusual place. I need some chamomile tea. For my navel piercing. Has anyone experienced this before? Ugh. I need sleep and a vacation. It's time to start the defense countdown. 32 days til I'm freeee.

The Bucket List (only it's not a bucket, it's more like a Shawshank)

I wrote a facebook note today. Here it is:

Okay girls, it's time. It's time to make the list of things to do after the defense is over. And I'm talking serious things that you can check off the list not crap like "go on a safari" or "learn a language".

Here goes...

1. Go to a movie. Two movies even. At the drive-in!
2. Start watching Entourage. One season per weekend.
3. Buy a condo
4. Lie on the grass all afternoon.
5. Mop the floors
6. Go to the beach and worry if I'm wearing enough sunscreen
7. Pilates class. Oh how I miss you pilates class.
8. Dump my filing cabinet in the recycling, alphabetized tabs and all!
9. Dance. In public. Preferably after getting dressed up and hammered on random shots
10. Spa day: massage, mani, pedi and some waxing which y'all don't really need to know about
11. Take a class (yes I'm serious) not for credit (I'm thinking photography or culinary arts at GBC)

Your turn.

One of my fellow grad studentettes* replied with this:

I'm too lazy/brain too fried to make my own list right now so I'll just steal/elaborate on yours lol

1. Go to drive in with EB. Also rent and watch Twilight.
2. Watch rest of Lost seasons, Season 1 of The Wire (Xmas present, not watched yet) and Madmen (borrowed from Baby Mama in April??) - also not watched
3. Buy a couch... Read more
4. Spend a solid week walking around various neighbourhoods of Toronto I love but have spent no time in this summer. Before winter comes...
5. Clean out closet. Take clothes to Value Village. Replace with new fall "work appropriate" clothes from Buffalo/Niagara.
6. Go somewhere with a beach and someone to make me drinks and sit on ass for week.
7. Start rowing again. This may wait til spring.
8. Burn all thesis files on computer to disk, delete from computer, make computer run faster. Shred printed work and papers.
9 and 10. Yes please.
11. Sign up for train conducting school? Also at GBC

*Some details changed to protect our identities.

Jolt

I know I don't normally blog in the morning but I had to write this down. I woke up with a jolt about 20 minutes ago thinking, "what day is it today? I know I have to be somewhere but where?" After a moment, I remembered that I don't have to be anywhere but the girls are coming over in half an hour or so and we're leaving for Port Elgin. I haven't showered, had breakfast or packed and the house is a disaster. Argh.

Excruciating

Last night, I dreamed that I tried to set myself on fire. I think this thesis thing is making me insane.

My fb status update today was:

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This just sucks. Grad school. Thesis. Late nights. Tuition fees. Journal articles. Search boxes. Ref Works. Inter-library loan. Burning eyes. Sore neck. Tense shoulder. Aching back. No new shoes. Missed movies. Canceled plans. Tears on the page. Bruises from banging a highlighter on my forehead in the hopes of speeding up the process. Someone shoot me with an elephant tranquilizer so I never have to wake up.

Thesis panic

Holy fuck. Pardon my language. But I have a buttload of work to do. I'm not sure I can finish my thesis before my time in this program expires at the end of August. I am extremely anxious. I'm meeting my supervisor at 10 am. We're going to have to talk about a final drop date for this thing.

On a happier note, I get to puppy-sit next week. Oh, except he's not a puppy anymore. I'm pretty excited about that. I might ask to work from home next week so that I can focus on the thesis and not stress too much about getting home to let him out.

Disaster

He's a disaster. He came over last night and stayed over (at my suggestion) because it was so late and we've been staying up late the last few nights (get your mind out of the gutter - I've been working late and thesising late). I don't have to go to work today so I had planned to sleep in while he went to work. Unfortunately his alarm didn't wake him up and he ignored me when I tried to wake him up. Until I reminded him he needed to get out before his car got towed. THAT got him moving. Slowly. It took him half an hour to get dressed, get out the door and call the towing company to find out where they took his car. He wasn't annoyed with himself for having to pay $200 to get his car back. He wasn't stressed about being late for his meeting. He didn't even get dressed right away when he discovered his car had been towed. And he didn't ask me to drive him to the impound lot. Maybe he assumed I would or maybe he figured he would get there somehow if I didn't offer. There was no frenzied rushing around or swearing or anything that I (or another normal person) would have done. I find that strange. I guess he does get stressed about things but not the same things that make me anxious. Fortunately I only had to drive him to pick it up and not to the meeting in a northern municipality that he's going to be very, very late for.

I'm going back to bed for a bit. And while I'm there, I'm going to try to convince myself to end it with D (for disaster) because I need someone who has his life together and is a bit more polished. I miss MFV.

Fireworks

You know what is great? Fireworks. At the end of a long weekend. On the beach. With someone to keep you warm.

Something else that is great? A guy who tries to impress family and friends.

He's still making me laugh. And he doesn't even seem to be trying. It's comfortable. When was the last time I felt comfortable? Grey, probably. But that was fleeting. I think I walked on eggshells around him.

He said something interesting this evening. Not Grey. The new guy. He said he didn't want to hear about past relationships, how I felt about other guys, sexploits etc because it would just piss him off. So I told him to pretend I was one of those guys who's all talk but 90% of the stuff they brag about is total crap. He laughed.

So far, so good.

What have I done?

There's a guy at work. Oh it hurts and shames me to write this. I swore up and down to myself after the last disastrous work-related shenanigans that I would not involve myself with someone I met through work. But this guy. Augh. He completes my unspoken thoughts. He smiles a lot. He's funny and sweet and kind of a goofball. I genuinely like him as a person and there are few people (men, especially) that I meet through work that I can say that about. Anyway, one thing led to another last night and he told me that he likes me. That he's liked me since he started working with me. We don't work at the same company but we work on the same project. It's a large, long-term project. We work together on a limited basis. I'm moving to a different floor soon so it might not be too awkward. Augh.

So, in addition to the complication of work, he has a son. His son is older than 5 but not an adolescent. I don't know what the custody arrangement is but they obviously spend a lot of time together. I do know that the divorce was finalized yesterday. Did you know that you could get an EDivorce?

We were up very late talking... and also "talking". We fell asleep on his couch to the sound of a thunderstorm at sunrise. It was comfortable and comforting. Meanwhile, I am worried about work next week. I'm sure people will notice. They always do. Plus, this guy can't possibly be ready for a relationship but I don't want anything in between. Augh. Why? Where is 516 when I need to be rescued from myself?