Delayed reaction

I got to thinking, if MFV has pictured our life down the road, far enough in the distant future to imagine us trying to have kids, maybe I should do that too. And I came up with a response. Admittedly, extremely delayed.

So I texted him, "we could always adopt?"

He lol'd :)

Grey is strange

I had dinner yesterday in Maple with Grey, his former admin assistant who is on mat leave, her husband and their two kids in their giant house with 4 bedrooms. She is a ducking phenomenal cook so it was totally worth it. Hamburgers from scratch to die for, mashed potatoes with sweet potatoes and his mother makes dried sausages from scratch as well. Nothing I ate last night was not excellent.

And it was so cute and cozy and domestic with the kids. I helped their 4-year old daughter, play with her Playdough which was totally fun once she warmed up to me. And their 3 month old... well, who doesn't love 3 month old babies with BIG.BLUE.EYES who giggle at you?

So, we're sitting around and Grey is saying how adorable they are and how they have this beautiful house and stuff. Then he says, "I want one". So I say, "what? a huge house?" And he says, "no, a kid". So I said, "well don't look at me!" Everyone laughed and Martha said that she keeps telling Grey he should just marry me. I almost ran out of the house screaming. Could you imagine? Me and Grey trapped in a huge house in Maple with kids. Holy mother of God. It's a good thing I was two glasses of red wine in by then.

Anyway, we left at 11 because he supposedly had another date. Which he told me about before he invited me to dinner with them so that was fine. Martha rolled her eyes at him when he said it before we left and asked me why I put up with his crap. That may be one of the great mysteries of the Universe. Like subatomic particles and the dimensions of time.

But this is when it started to get weird. He held my hand in the car. He hates holding my hand unless we're sleeping. There was one time I tried to hold his hand in public and he yelled at me. Weirdo nutjob. And then, when I got out of the car and said, "so call me if she doesn't put out" (I was trying to be funny and it worked), he said, "well don't go thinking now that if I don't call you I'm having sex with someone else". Weird right? Why would he tell me he is going to meet someone else and then worry about what I think he's doing? It makes no sense to me.

Boys are strange.

Thesis? What thesis?!

And there go another two hours...

Crap. I really need to write my introduction. Crap crap crap. All I can think about is our mega date on Saturday. I requested that we go to Casa Loma but he's doing all the planning. I'm super excited. Not even because of where he might be taking me but I really do just want to hang out with him and talk to him and see him. I actually missed him today. Argh.

Oh yeah, there's yet another red flag. We were on the topic of red flags and he decided he should put this one on the table. I didn't ask if there were more. His son is special needs. Perhaps somewhat surprisingly, that doesn't bother me at all. I'm more concerned about what happens if we don't like each other.

Mrs Chuck Bartowski

Yay!!!!! I get to keep my husband!!! :D

As so often happens, Fish inspired this post. And GH got it going with his announcement that I get to be Mrs Chuck Bartowski for another season.

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAAYAYAY!!!!


Reasons to date a divorced guy with kid:

1. No big fat stupid wedding
2. No wedding at all...?
3. No pressure to create progeny
4. No labour or delivery (hopefully)
5. No (or little) responsibility for misbehaving children (not that I have met his)
6. Birth control baby, birth control!
7. Grown up conversations
8. Good listening skills
9. A sense of priorities
10. No games

Halloween schmalloween

Definitely this "holiday" is overrated. Someone please remind me to skip it next year. Baby and I spent most of the afternoon scouring stores for candy. Costco ran out. Walmart ran out. We had to go to Shopper's Drug Mart and their shelves were pretty bare by the time we got there at 5.30. Baby probably spent around $100 on candy and snack crap (Welsh's fruit chews, Reese's Snacksters, individual bags of Ruffles) from Costco and we ran out! Yes, that's right, we ran out of damn candy at about 8.30. I even had to give away the reserve stash I bought just for myself which sucks. Oh well, I need candy like I need another hole in my head.

We definitely had over 200 kids come by her house and it was overwhelming. Especially the older kids and teenagers who we had to turn away at the end so that we had candy left for the littlest kids. They were pretty cute and I understand dressing them up to go visit the neighbours. But some of the "kids" were bigger than me. Okay fine, I'm not that big myself but still. The worst was the 50-something year old woman who ran up to the door with her kids with her bag out. I gave her a pretty dirty look (good thing they're not my neighbours!) and she gave me a sheepish giggle. I still gave her candy but I wish I hadn't. Christ, some people have no shame. Delorean said she was probably going to sell it at her store later.

Anyway, after that we ordered pizza and sat in the dark until 10 pm. Then we went downtown for a drink at Milestone's. Man, it was insane. I have never seen downtown that busy in all my years of living in this city. I have to admit that I don't understand dressing up to go out clubbing. Maybe I'm just not very creative but I can't imagine spending time, energy and money on a costume that I'll wear once and then freeze my ass off standing in line to get into a club. I don't stand in line to get into clubs on regular days, let alone when I'm wearing a damn costume. I'm sure cover was jacked up last night. And there were some pretty outrageous costumes out there last night.

Anyway, I'm having lunch at A's parent's house and then driving my mother to her next port of call which happens to be the apartment of my favourite septuagenarians kitty corner to my place. "Fortunately" I seem to have lost my spare key.

My uterus is hiding

Yay, I'm home before midnight! There is no more effective birth control than a room full of screaming children. I thought that, if I showed up after 8, most people with kids would have left but I was wrong. They were still there and the kids were cranky and tired. When I walked in the door, I could have sworn there were more children than grown ups. There weren't but it really felt like it. My hostess warned me on the phone which was a good thing otherwise I would have been totally overwhelmed! Fortunately, most of the kids were gone by 9.30. I am very ambivalent about having children. I spent most of my 20s adamantly not wanting one. Then I met someone who made me think that having kids with the right man wouldn't be such a bad thing. Now, I doubt I will meet the right man so the thought of kids is just sheer insanity. Plus, I like my space and my time and my silence. I am a very selfish individual and I'm okay with that. Sadly though, I didn't have the energy or creative juices to carve a pumpkin this year. I thought about carving the company logo in a silent, ironic protest but then I realized I couldn't charge that time and would be "working" for free. Instead I sat on the couch and tried not to let the overwhelming baby-ness show too much on my face.

Statute of limitations is 5 days and counting...

I had a good day today. A's flight arrived on time and our timing was perfect so we didn't have to pay for parking. Her parents were so surprised to see her at the door although I think they were too much in shock to really react. Then our friend from high school showed up about an hour later and freaked out. She was so happy and couldn't stop hugging her. It was really great. I love surprising people, even though I hate being surprised. We ate and talked for hours until A started to fade. If only she was a man, I would marry her and live happily ever after. We decided to get married after first year university after breaking up with a pair of loser boyfriends. She's perfect. Our parents are good friends. She's educated and intelligent and pretty. We have the same values and are best friends. So we joked around about having a lesbian wedding and she decided she wanted to wear the pants. She's the husband and I'm her wife. It's great. Her father fell for it a bit, especially after she said "But Baba, you should have known I would become a lesbian. You did send me to an all girls private school for my entire education. What did you think would happen?" but her mother giggled and blew our story.

On a somewhat related note, I'm back on the online dating scene again and it's as bad, or worse, if possible than the last time I tried it back in December after I split with Grey. I'm getting lots of hits but nothing has panned out. The guys' photos are crap and the profiles are poorly written and/or boring. The ones that do seem interesting and intelligent don't follow through after I give them my alternate email address. What's up with that? Actually, I think I know what's up. I've noticed that a lot of activity occurs on Friday after work or Saturday around lunch time so I think that people are using the sites as a way to get a last minute date or a fast hook up. So I'm giving this thing until the end of day Sunday.

...

Just as I finished typing that, someone messaged me and we just chatted for half an hour. He has an 8 year old. I don't know if I can date someone who has a kid. Most days I feel like an 8 year old myself. I guess it's shallow and naive of me to expect to find a man my age who hasn't been married and/or doesn't have kids. I wish someone had told me that I wouldn't marry X and that dating in my 30s would be hard. I would have signed up for that arranged marriage thing.

Alone again

Tonight is the first time I have cried about Grey for a couple of weeks. Mostly because I spent the last two weeks being totally exhausted. A puppy is a huge responsibility. I'm glad to have my single commitment-free, responsibility-free life back. And it's an additional relief that I don't have to be out pooping-and-scooping in this crap weather. I do miss the way Charlie would lick my wrists when I was putting on his collar. And when I would sit on the floor and he'd put his paws on my shoulders and lick my earlobes. I miss his lovable cuteness. I even miss his spazzy insane puppy skirmishes across the living room floor a little bit. But my life is better without a dog. For now, anyway. When I'm ready, I'll know.

As for Grey, I still miss him a lot. I don't think about him all the time anymore. That's a good thing because I'm getting a lot more work done at school. And I'm finally back in a place that I'm happy living alone. Sleeping alone. Not sharing a bathroom. I'm even seriously wondering if I will ever get married. I have no desire to have children. I can't even handle the responsibility of a baby animal let alone a baby human! So why do I need a partner? There's no really good reason to be in a relationship right now. Or perhaps ever. Strangely, that doesn't make me feel lonely.

Baby spit up, cupcakes and other charming things

Today was a pretty decent day. I spent several hours with Piglet and her mom and it was fun. We got so much done today. We ran errands, had lunch, she showered and pumped breast milk. Piglet is so much bigger now than she was when I last saw her three weeks ago and she even smiled at me today! It was more likely related to the farting and the subsequent HUGE POOP that she did. But it was still super cute. It was even cute when she spit up on me! Who knew that baby spit up could be so charming? Granted, it was breast milk spit up, but at least she didn't poop on me.

The reason I went over there was because the furnace guy was coming over between 8 am and 1 pm. And he did show up, at 2 pm, while she was breast feeding. Typical, right? She kept saying how glad she was that I came over and I was so happy to be there. The initial weeks after Piglet was born were pretty overwhelming but I think that things are starting to come together which I find immensely reassuring. Perhaps one day, I might be able to be someone's mommy too.

After spending the day with them, I came home and baked chocolate zucchini cupcakes which turned out to be pretty awesome. And after that, I went back to the same neighbourhood and had sushi and played Tumbling Tower and euchre with friends. I have to admit, I had more fun than I thought I would. And we were sober!

I did get to talk to the mysterious guy tonight. I sent him a text message to find out how his trip was and he replied back and completely made me laugh. That made me feel good. I called him on my way home from dinner and we chatted for a bit. It turns out his trip was awful and he also got a new phone so he didn't have my number and he said he was glad that I phoned him. I don't know if I'll see him this weekend but I hope that I do. I keep expecting to be disappointed any second now which would be... helpful since B is coming up on Thursday.

I really need to sort out whatever is going on in my brain. I could get so attached to this mysterious guy if I let myself. Perhaps I'm just deluding myself into believing I'm not already invested... It's just that he makes me smile and I really like that.

Endings and beginnings

I talked to my neglectful Valentine today. He was angry. Lashed out at me. Questioned the sincerity of everything I had ever told him. Said that it didn't say a lot about what we had before if it could just vanish in a week. Insinuated that something must have been going on before my trip. It stung and burned but my feelings must be a fraction of his right now. So I won't hold it against him and I will try to let go of him and our friendship.

What did we have before? Phone calls. A promise to see me again once some time before I graduated. Fear of seeing me again because he didn't want us to end up in a relationship. Expecting me to read his mind to figure out how he felt about me. No expectations or promises or the other safety features of a relationship. We were never a couple. We were never able to figure out whether we had ever dated. Just a few salsa classes, a movie here and there, some laughs and some faded kisses. We had one opportunity to have sex but he couldn't quite...

I didn't tell him that I knew within 48 hours of being in Nassau that I wanted to be with B. That I've finally found something that feels right. Something that makes me feel good. That I'm happy now. That I no longer want to kill myself but I want us to both live for a very long time and be healthy and have kids. Me planning kids. Plural. The world is topsy-turvy and shiny and wonderful.

I told him there was nothing that I could say that would make him feel better. That would make him believe me. That all the things I said to him were sincere and true. The fact that he questions our history now makes me realize some things. Ah, hindsight. He wanted to sit on the fence because he was afraid and selfish. But, just because I'm at school, that doesn't mean that time and people stand still. Change happens. And while he was waiting, I found the man that I need in my life.

I said that B had asked me to marry him and that I had said yes. It isn't official. But he has told me that he wants our future to be together, "your mission, should you choose to accept it" and I told him that I would.

B and I talked about our children today. He said he was picturing them last night. My eyes, his lips, drop-dead gorgeous. That he would need a shotgun if we have daughters. We were on the phone for over 10 hours until he eventually fell asleep and started snoring. Thank the internet for Skype.

It feels like I'm falling... but not into space. Into the comfortable, familiar armchair in the warm, sunny patch by the living room window with a great view.