aSSHAT

What more can a girl ask for? Asshat. Where are you Asshat?

Flip-flop

No, this is not a post about shoes.

Now I know how MFV was feeling about his NYC vs. Vancouver decision.

I go back and forth every few hours about wanting to stay here vs. wanting to move back. I mean, sometimes it's 50-50 and other times I'm about to hit the giant red button which says, "Screw you Toronto!"

When I left BC, it was always my intention to move back. When I was in Tofino in August 2006, I mailed A a postcard and asked her to send it back to me when I graduated. She hasn't done that. In fact, she has probably forgotten. But I remember. Why, then, is it so hard for me to make this decision?

I know that I want to be on the West Coast. I hate the weather and the traffic and the pretentiousness. I miss the rain and sushi and the ocean. I hate that Toronto is sucking the soul out of my body. I miss being able to look people in the eye when I pass them on the street and not feeling like I need to be more threatening than them. I know I am a different person when I live here. Not a better person. I have been acutely unhappy here and very much conscious of it, whereas I feel like I was happier overall in Vancouver.

I want a raise and a promotion. I want off this stupid project. I want to not commute to Mississauga or work out of the client office. I want to be closer to my best friend.

But there's something keeping me here. Is it fear of something? I don't know. There is nothing here for me. Well, there is one thing. It's the illusion of friends. There are a handful of people who really mean a lot to me. But those people want what is best for me and won't resent me for moving forward with my life. It's the peripheral people that will be more difficult to deal with.

One thing that I have learned the hard way is that I always lose people when I move. When I switched elementary schools mid-year, when I left home for Canada, when I left boarding school, then undergrad, then Toronto. You lose people. It's just too difficult sometimes for them to keep up. Frankly, I have a large social circle here. Large enough that I feel guilty saying no to people so that I can have time to myself. The sum of all those meaningless, trivial friendships is greater here than it was in Vancouver. But I have always felt the quality of my friendships there were much higher. So what am I afraid of?

Maybe I just need time to allow the weight of this decision to settle in. So that I can defend my choice to all those who will question me and feel abandoned. Or rather, to let their criticism and judgment and disappointment just roll off. Like rain on a duck.

Quack.

The Bucket List (only it's not a bucket, it's more like a Shawshank)

I wrote a facebook note today. Here it is:

Okay girls, it's time. It's time to make the list of things to do after the defense is over. And I'm talking serious things that you can check off the list not crap like "go on a safari" or "learn a language".

Here goes...

1. Go to a movie. Two movies even. At the drive-in!
2. Start watching Entourage. One season per weekend.
3. Buy a condo
4. Lie on the grass all afternoon.
5. Mop the floors
6. Go to the beach and worry if I'm wearing enough sunscreen
7. Pilates class. Oh how I miss you pilates class.
8. Dump my filing cabinet in the recycling, alphabetized tabs and all!
9. Dance. In public. Preferably after getting dressed up and hammered on random shots
10. Spa day: massage, mani, pedi and some waxing which y'all don't really need to know about
11. Take a class (yes I'm serious) not for credit (I'm thinking photography or culinary arts at GBC)

Your turn.

One of my fellow grad studentettes* replied with this:

I'm too lazy/brain too fried to make my own list right now so I'll just steal/elaborate on yours lol

1. Go to drive in with EB. Also rent and watch Twilight.
2. Watch rest of Lost seasons, Season 1 of The Wire (Xmas present, not watched yet) and Madmen (borrowed from Baby Mama in April??) - also not watched
3. Buy a couch... Read more
4. Spend a solid week walking around various neighbourhoods of Toronto I love but have spent no time in this summer. Before winter comes...
5. Clean out closet. Take clothes to Value Village. Replace with new fall "work appropriate" clothes from Buffalo/Niagara.
6. Go somewhere with a beach and someone to make me drinks and sit on ass for week.
7. Start rowing again. This may wait til spring.
8. Burn all thesis files on computer to disk, delete from computer, make computer run faster. Shred printed work and papers.
9 and 10. Yes please.
11. Sign up for train conducting school? Also at GBC

*Some details changed to protect our identities.

La vie en gris

I recorded Sabrina some time ago but only just got around to watching it tonight. Mostly because I was trying to clear some space on my hard drive. I didn't think I would get sucked in but I totally did. I laughed, I cried, I sighed. And stayed up way past my bedtime. Where is my Linus? I need to get over David...

For those of you that think B&W movies are lame, I'm emailing this to my pen pal next. It's still B&W but it's funny and not at all sappy.
http://xkcd.com/597/

Screw up

I always fuck up the good things. He's not coming next weekend. And I'm not sure if I'm going to see him the following weekend. I feel bad for being the reason that his buddies are going to get turfed out of a free place to stay. And he wants to slow things down. I'm not good at that. I'm better with the emergency brake, backing the car up and tearing back up the same dirt road that got me here. I told him I wouldn't be sleeping with Grey anymore. I'm not sure if that's a promise I'm capable of keeping. Not because I don't want to keep the promise. But because I feel stupid and small and worthless. And when I feel like this, I do stupid and worthless and reckless things. For example, I am going to smoke a cigarette now. I know it will make me feel shitty. I really don't want one. And it's cold outside. But I know it will numb the pain and stop the tears. So I go in search of temporary relief. Because I don't know how to stop wishing I was dead. I'm sure everything will look better in the morning.

Blarg

Pretending the bachelorette party isn't going to happen is not helping me figure out what to wear. I will be back momentarily. I also really have to pee.

So much for momentarily. I wish I was a tall, slender-muscled woman with larger-than-average breasts, a flat to concave stomach and a nice ass. Instead, I am short and more on the stout side than skinny. Fortunately, I was blessed with my dad's perky butt and not my mother's saggy one. There are only a handful of men on the planet that are aware of my breast size. And my doctor. I have good teeth and hair but people seem to take that for granted these days. Sigh. Enough of that. Wishing won't make it so.

The make up and photography trial was today. Make up was okay. Decent but not fabulous. Photographers are awesome. I'm looking forward to seeing the photos. If I still live in the province when they arrive! Is it wrong that I'm looking forward to getting the colour-coded spreadsheet from the photographer? I'm very behind on my own. Oh my God, it just arrived! So exciting! Must look at it before bed :)

Homesick at home

I miss my bed already. I'm home and that feels good but I have friends staying from out of town. The same friends I stayed with in Vancouver. They're great people but I think I was built to live alone. I can't wait to get my apartment and my bed back. I know I'll miss them when they leave and the apartment will feel weird and empty. But I'm still uncomfortable.

I have to go see my supervisor tomorrow morning. I can't remember what he wants me to do anymore. It has been a while since I talked to him and he changed his mind a few times in between. I'm hoping he will have time to look at my data summary as well. I have no idea what I'm doing. As usual. Grad school is hard.

Confusing

Grey was nice to me. Really nice to me. The way he was with me back in October before things went horribly awry. I can't figure out what's going on but I'm not going to question him about it. I can accept it. And I'm assuming it won't last. I'm just happy I didn't spent the rest of the day feeling not great about myself.

He called me while I was watching Iron Man with a friend so I ended up going over there for dinner on Friday night. And then, of course, we ended up having sex. I really didn't want to. I don't like having sex right before my period because it makes my cramps worse but he's just so damn irresistible! And now I'm freaked because my period hasn't shown up but I'm in pain and the rest of my body thinks I'm on my period. God, I hate being a girl. In my next life, I'm definitely going to be a man. Anyway, I passed out while we were watching the 11th hour so I'll have to watch it again. He had already seen it but wanted to watch it again. Weird? I think so. We were fast asleep well before midnight.

This morning, I read my book on stable isotopes in bed while he worked out. He showered and came back to bed for a cuddle. I broke my rule again! But he was so clean and damp and soapy smelling and was being so sweet that I just felt compelled to reward his good behaviour. He was even nice at breakfast. He made beans and I said that beans would be better with toast. It turns out he's had bread this whole time but I never saw it because he kept it in the freezer. When he asked how I liked my toast, I said "lightly toasted". He said "whole or cut into pieces." With beans, definitely whole. But I asked him if would have cut my toast into triangles if I had wanted it that way and he said "of course". I'm frankly flabbergasted.

And then, as if that wasn't nice enough to almost make up for all the cranky hungoverness I've had to put up in the past few months, he let me cuddle for two and a half hours while we sat through The Mist. It was The Worst Movie I Have Ever Seen Ever. God, two and half hours of my life that would have been awful if I hadn't been squeezed next to him on the couch. It was almost blissful. He even called me "suction cup".

I'm so very satisfied right now.

Split

Why do relationships have to end? Especially the ones that have gone on longer than a decade? I understand that people change, they grow apart, communication breaks down and everything becomes unbearable. I've been there. But why do other people have to go through it? And why do I have to go through it again by extension?

I don't know any details of the recent split. I haven't talked to either half at length but I am having dinner with him on Wednesday. I was supposed to go out with her tonight but he decided that he couldn't take care of their son so she had to cancel.

Without knowing the circumstances, I think they're making a huge mistake. Perhaps that is just me projecting my own regrets. I wish I had known then what I know now. I wish I had tried harder to make it work with X. I wish that we had had the tools then to communicate better and find common ground. But then, if we hadn't split, I wouldn't have learned all the things I did in the past 4 years. Communication skills. How not to care so much. To diagnose my own moodiness and emotional roller coasters. That you have to be happy within yourself before someone else can make you happy. Before you can make someone else happy. And, of course, how to enjoy sex. I would never have met Grey. I would have continued to think that love doesn't exist.

I know that this won't be the last break up in our group and that thought makes my stomach hurt. I wish my friends would stop taking for granted what they have right now. I wish they would appreciate their partners more. I wish they would learn to communicate and be tolerant and not judgmental. I wish they would learn to express happiness when they see their partner. I wish the arguments and tension would stop.

Maybe endings are inevitable.

Love schmove

Where are the men who write about romance and sing about love?
Maybe rappers aren't the best role models but they sure talk big. Papoose says

They say you never know what you have until you lose it
You promise your girl something you better do it
You can't tell a women you love her, are you stupid?
Words don't express your love you gotta prove it.

But where are the men that prove their love? Who don't take their relationship for granted? Who care about communication and connection?

I wonder what Grey is doing in Jamaica right now. I shouldn't torture myself but I don't know how else to kill the late nights. When I'm tired, the misery creeps out from around the corner and seeps into my soul. Is misery also an inherent character trait? Genetically encoded in my brain. Neurons misfiring so the serotonin and melanin just dissolve away into grey matter. So that I'm destined never to be happy, no matter how hard I work for it.

I look around at my friends and see relationships fizzling into nothing because they don't realize how hard it is to be completely alone. Or worse, relationships being sabotaged, partners being alienated, connections being destroyed. Misery and sadness lurk around the corner like silent, sardonic irony.

The Rules

Some time ago, I wrote down a list of things I'm looking for in a man.

In no particular order:

1. Manners. Say please and thank you. Open my door once in a while. Offer me a drink when I come over.
2. Hygiene. Brush, floss, mouthwash, wash your hands, don't use the same knife on meat and veggies... Hygiene is based on science. I'm a science geek.
3. Tone of voice. I'm hypersensitive to this. I try hard not to be but I can't help it. If you yell at me, I will probably cry when you're not looking.
4. Toilet seat. Put the fucking lid down already. That way we all have to lift something up. This is a non-negotiable item.
5. Shoes. Self-explanatory, I think.
6. Food. Will exchange sex for breakfast. My dream is to be with a man that likes to cook for me. In return, I'll do dishes til death do us part.
7. Phone calls. If you say you're going to call, do it. I'd rather he didn't call and didn't promise than waiting around expecting.
8. Humility. I want to hear "sorry" when we both know he is wrong and sometimes when he isn't. While I understand that women and men use "sorry" differently, if he's not humble enough to admit "weakness", I'm not attracted.
9. Clean towels. If I shower at his place, I want him to be considerate enough to offer me a clean towel without me having to ask.
10. Dance. If we're out and I'm dancing, dance with me. A man that won't dance because cares about looking foolish on the dance floor sucks in bed. Also non-negotiable.
11. Hangers. Wooden hangers turn me on. Especially when the closet is super organized like mine: season, function, colour.
12. Spelling. If he can't speel, we can't have sxe. I am willing to make an exception for men for whom English is not their first language. And men who can beat me at Scrabble.
13. Laugh. If he gets me, he'll try to make me laugh. "Laughter is the thinking girl's aphrodisiac" - Fish (http://thisfish.ivillage.com/love/). Non-negotiable: I'm grumpy and bitchy enough for more than one person and despair/cynicism/sadness is exhausting for both people. I learned that the hard way from my parents.
14. Independence. If you live at home and/or can't drive, go away. Non-negotiable.
15. Work. He has to make at least as much money as I do. Preferably significantly more ;) "I ain't saying she a golddigger..."
16. Babies. He has to be comfortable holding a baby. It's a sign of self-confidence.
17. Education. More than high school and preferably university or equivalent life experience.
18. Plan. I have a schedule. A man that expects me to fit my life into his schedule isn't going to get a lot of face time.
19. Fake it. If you normally live like a slob, for crying out loud clean when you know I'm coming over.
20. Neuroses. It would be nice to be with someone who is as neurotic as I am and won't care that I have to have 3 rolls of toilet paper stacked in a pyramid on the toilet tank at all times. For once, I would like to talk to a man who doesn't get scared off when I say what I'm thinking or feeling.

I don't think that I'm picky and I don't think I have unattainably high standards. I'm in search of laughter and happiness and companionship. But I also truly believe that it's an illusion and that we're all really alone. I have my issues so maybe that's just a cop out so I won't have to deal with them. I know I have a pattern of being attracted to emotionally-unavailable, narcissistic, substance-abusing men but I can't figure out how to break it. A couple of years ago, I realized suddenly that I wouldn't have a problem living alone for the rest of my life. Perhaps that's sad but I like sleeping alone and not sharing my bathroom and not having to wonder if there's still ice cream in the freezer. I just don't think it's possible to have good conversation and good sex with the same man.

Do normal relationships exist?

I had my first big meltdown with Grey on Saturday. He was being a bit of a jerk, I was feeling fragile and all hell broke loose. I cried, I walked out, I came back. He was kind and gentle and quiet. I wish I hadn't cried. I was a mess. I bought him a Nerds Christmas ornament thingy from the grocery store to make it up to him. I hope he likes it. We've booked Thursday and Saturday nights for sex.

He's still a mystery. I don't know if he will ever let me in. I don't think we'll ever truly be in a relationship. I think that we'll continue to do this thing, whatever it is, company + sex, I guess, until he gets bored or I completely freak out and then it will be over and I will be a soggy, heartbroken mess. The truth is that I care about him a lot. I want to be his girlfriend. But every day, I remind myself to back off. I tell myself he is not the boyfriend and I am not his girlfriend. I remember that there is no commitment and that I am not equal in this thing.

I can't talk to him about stuff when I need to. I can't expect him to be there for me. I can't plan for a future beyond next weekend. I'm not allowed to be myself because I have to be careful and guarded and distant.

I have a list of questions I would love to ask, if we were in a relationship. I probably will never get the chance. Here is my list in the form of an email sitting in my gmail drafts:

There are so many things I would ask if I felt like I could. There are times when I could believe that he wants what I want. The comfort and security of knowing we have a future together. But then there are times when a distinctly cold wind blows and I'm reminded that I'm not the girlfriend. So I take a step back mentally and physically. But never emotionally. The emotional check consists of a looped statement in my brain: "You're not the girlfriend. He's not the boyfriend. This will end. And you won't see it coming. So don't think of preparing. Just be warned."

The list of ever-present, ever-growing questions:

1. What does "no commitment" mean, exactly?
2. Is it just sex and company or is there something else?
3. Why is he with me? Why did he keep calling in September? Did my facebook message change anything?
4. Sunday nights, family holidays, Christmas. And why I enjoy Sunday nights now.
5. X/Mr X/X's brother's girlfriend and why we're still close.
6. His relationship history.
7. Is he ever going to let me in?
8. Does he really want to get married and have kids or is that just the politically correct thing to say to women he's sleeping with?
9. If 8 is true, what does "marriage" mean?
10. And when asked if I can have kids, biologically, how significant is my answer and what happens if I can't?
11. Religious beliefs; practicing? "Born Catholic, raised atheist?" Does he see himself getting married in church? Will he raise his kids Catholic? Circumcision?
12. Political leanings. Thoughts on voting, citizenship, this country I call my home.
13. If I fall in love with him, and he finds out, will he run away?

It's hard to open up to someone and trust that person when he has told you that he probably won't ever open up and trust you. It's tough knowing that his history casts a shadow over the present and the future and realizing I'll never know where that shadow came from. It's hard to even have a serious conversation, or even fully be myself, knowing that any minute, he could walk away and he would be perfectly justified because he was clear all along that there was no commitment. Where is the off switch for my heart?

Right now, while I'm feeling tired and fragile, I wish I was in a normal relationship with someone who wanted this to go somewhere. I want it more than being with Grey. I know I won't feel that way when I see him. That makes me sad.

if i had one wish

i'm definitely going for a smoke. there are lots of websites out there that will tell you how to kill yourself but i just don't have what it takes. although it occurred to me that now would be the best time to do it because i don't have life insurance and i wouldn't have to worry about faking it for my parents to get the money. there is no money.

i just told a friend that i've thought about crawling out the window before. he was shocked so i lied and said i hadn't. but i have. so many times. stood there and looked down and wished.

there's a part of your brain that's wired for survival. it's like the part that wishes i was dead isn't connected to the deeper, more primal part where instincts are stored. the part that thought "no fucking way".

so i smoke. i'm sick. and i'll feel like shit tomorrow. but i feel like shit now and, if i had one wish, i would wish to not feel, to not think, to not hate myself, to not suffer.