Prologue

I was having lunch with an old friend in Soho (HK) today and I found out that the first guy I officially went on a date with is gay. Well, let's just say that I *officially* found out today that he has finally come out. I knew there was something horribly wrong when he held my hand at Toys 'R Us and it felt terrible. Or maybe it was McDonald's. That was a bright idea on the part of my then best friend. She just wanted me to come on a triple date with her and above-referenced lunch friend. Ugh, that entire afternoon still makes me shudder. I think I remember slow-dancing with him to Take My Breath Away at one of our school dances. That song always gives me the creeps but maybe now I will think back on it more fondly. I have added him to facebook so hopefully he doesn't hate me too much for being so repulsed by his attempts at affection. Poor guy. I should have been nicer to him. Perhaps my dating life since then has just been relationship karma for that fledgling experience. If only I had known then all the things I know now...

Ah well, lunch was fun and then I bought two pairs of shoes at Vickie's. Let me tell you, this might be my new favourite shoe store. They do custom shoes in 4 weeks. The styles and colours are fabulous and the prices are totally inexpensive. I wish I had more time here so I could go back and place an order. Next time. Someone please remind me!

Procrastination

The other job called and emailed this morning while I was sleeping in on my last real day off. I haven't called or emailed back yet. I'm not sure why I'm putting this off. I wanted that job. The past tense being the key here. Do I still want that job? Do I want to live in Toronto? I'm happy here, but maybe it's because I'm homeless and crashing with MFV. This idyllic little setup can't last forever so eventually I'll be on my own again with all the regular anxiety and stress and loneliness. So, where would I rather be miserable? Here where it's rainy (which makes me happy) or there with my girlfriends (who at least fill the void sometimes). I should call the HR Manager back and find out what's going on. But first I'm going to take a long, hot shower and think.

Progress

I have made some progress since Monday morning. My group here in BC has given me a deadline of next Friday (that's March 19). If I don't have an offer from the other job in front of me next Thursday, I will just stay in Vancouver and be happy with that decision. In the meantime, I will be volunteering at the Paralympics as a driver up in Whistler. I have been scheduled for five 10-hour shifts every other day starting on Saturday. Plus 4 hours travel time from Vancouver and I'm going to be one very tired puppy. I probably won't see MFV a whole lot either since my shifts are from 2.30 pm to 12.30 am. I just hope I don't get stranded in Whistler! The last bus down to Vancouver is at 11.30 pm so I'm hoping that they let us out of these super late shifts a little early. If not, I guess I'm sleeping in the shuttle van!

I'm actually very excited about this. It's funny how things worked out. I actually thought on the flight to Vancouver, "well it's too late for me to volunteer for the Olympics but I wonder if they still need volunteers for the Paralympics?" For once the Universe is working in my favour. Thank you, Universe.

Still unemployed and homeless

Not that I was expecting anything to change over the weekend, but I'm still in my pjs at 11 am, sitting on MFV's couch not earning my keep. We're having lunch at noon (although I'm not sure how that will work since it's No Talking Mondays) which will likely be the highlight of my day. On Friday afternoon, I went to the office to talk to my group manager and they're thinking about putting me on the payroll temporarily starting next week. Apparently I am just not able to take time off like a normal person. I was inventing lists of things to do for myself last week. Today, (un)fortunately, I forgot to the sign back a page of the eleventy page background check form so I have to print, sign and courier it back to them this afternoon. Also, I got a call from the people who are organizing the Paralympic games yesterday and they are looking for volunteers so I'm hoping to get involved with that for a few days next week. Okay, I better put on my big girl pants so that I can at least have a productive afternoon.

Sunny and 8 degrees... and boring

Oh dear, I have taken one full day off and I'm bored out of my tree! Yesterday, I unpacked and got organized (I figure I will be here a while, regardless of which job offer I accept) and then I went to the beach and lay on a bench (and was chased off by a bunch of mean, angry old hobos) and read this book (thanks Seattle).

Just as I was writing that paragraph, I got a text message from a girlfriend to come over and hang out. I was going to make a list of things to do (groceries, laundry, download and photos, crossword puzzle etc) but now I guess I can procrastinate a bit longer :)

Seaside, OR

Probably one of my favourite places on the planet. If you come here, stay in unit 408 at the Seaside Beach Club Condos. The view from the picture window is mind blowing and I'm all warm and toasty under a blanket on the couch. MFV wants to go outside (he's never done this before) so I should hustle. And no Asshat, we have not eloped. But we haven't quite killed each other (yet) either. There's a whole day ahead of us though...

Couch to 5K - Item 3 on the Shawshank List

I went to the gym today. It's on my bucket list (which is actually more of a Shawshank list) and I decided I needed some motivation so I Googled Couch to 5K and found Carli's website with some running playlists. I downloaded Week 1 and it is really great. It helped me get to the gym, kept me on the treadmill and I was actually disappointed when it was over! I am not exactly new to running but I have neglected the gym for the past two months. I just figured that, if I had enough energy to work out, I should be working on my thesis instead, right? Anyway, it felt good to go back to the gym and the workout was pretty straightforward. I won't say it was easy but it wasn't too challenging and I'm looking forward to going to the gym for the rest of this week.

This is not entirely an altruistic goal. I'm going to Mexico for a week next Sunday and the thought of standing next to 20-something-year old bikini clad bodies is excruciatingly intimidating. Now that I find myself in my 30s, I definitely have better self-esteem and that translates into better body image. I have some problem areas which I never had in my 20s but gravity and stress and age have taken their toll. So I'm working on the abs, the shoulders and triceps and overall cardio this week.

The hard part will be to eat better. I went out for Indian in Yorkville last night and ended up painfully full. I walked home but was still uncomfortable after the chilly evening half-hour walk. Then, this afternoon, I had high tea (again in Yorkville, my credit cards are weeping) and walked home again. I no longer stuff myself at tea because of my egg allergy but I did inhale a lot of cream and scones. God, so yummy. It was a party in my mouth this weekend. (Friday night was bubbles and fondue with the grad students followed by a tiny bit of bar hopping in Little Italy).

The final part of the plan is to run a 5K in November at the end of the 9 week program. Ontario is going to be mighty chilly at that time of year so maybe I should look for a run in Vancouver. Or the Caribbean somewhere :) I haven't fully thought that through yet but I will have a lot more free brain power now that the thesis is done.

Here is the rest of my Shawshank list:

1. Read the paper
2. Make dim sum
3. Go to the gym -- check!
4. Go to the library
5. Go to my favourite restaurant in Little Italy
6. Clean apartment -- check!
7. Purge stuff in "office"
8. Sell microwave
9. Sell U2 tickets
10. Go to the movies (at least two)
11. Start watching Entourage
12. Lie on the grass - it's getting too cold for this :(
13. Look into fall classes (culinary, photography, Italian)
14. Watch documentaries and nap
15. Take new drug plan info to pharmacy (yes, boring but it needs to be done)

I heart NYC

I really do. I only met one person who doesn't love NYC. That person is the mother of a friend I grew up with. They're close, close family friends. She (the mom) has retired to a sleepy village in India and complained about the noise and traffic and traffic in New York. The groom's mother told her that nobody in India can complain about the noise and traffic in NYC. She makes a good point. NYC is a lot like India and a lot like Hong Kong. It's loud, it's fast, it's noisy and it's smelly.

It's friggin' fabulous. It felt like I had finally come home. I would live there in a heartbeat. Not forever. But for a couple of years. Anyone wanna come with?

Parental insanity

I said I wasn't going to blog until I got home to Canadia but the parental insanity is driving me up the wall. I know I'm going to miss my parents
when I leave but my dad is driving me up the freakin' wall. He's 69
and seriously getting senile. He follows me from room to room and
won't leave me alone for 2 minutes! I can't even have a conversation
with A when he's home so I call her when he goes out for his
walks or goes to "work". He's retired but still practices a bit.
Every couple of hours I shout at him to stop following me around which, of course, makes me feel guilty but I'm going insane here. And then he conveniently comes up with
some computer problem for me to fix. The last one was that he somehow
turned on the hidden punctuation in Word and couldn't turn it off.
Sheesh. And he asks me every single day if I'm going to shower in the
evening even though I've showered in the morning. As if that's not
enough insanity, I went shopping with my mother yesterday and she's
serious about getting a Wii. My mom! With a Wii?! I'm going mental
here people! Okay, I'm going to bed because I spent most of the day
throwing up. To be fair to both of them, they looked after me this morning when I was puking and pooping which was a really nice change from begging Grey (or some other random guy) to bring me drugs after work. My dad went to the grocery store to get plain white bread so I could eat toast. My mom put a cold towel against my forehead when I was throwing up. My dad gave me drugs. My mom helped me make soup (she had just done her nails so she couldn't actually do it for me). And they let me sleep and monopolize the TV all afternoon and evening. So yes, it was nice to have them around for that and I know it will be harder the next time I'm alone and sick. But still... they're my parents and they're making me batty. I can't wait to get home!

I back! Sort of...

So it appears that my dial up internet access in Delhi did not like blogger. Most days I couldn't even get into my email which was a real pain. Although, it may not have mattered really as I had very little time for writing. I barely touched my journal which was with me every moment of every day! It's strange. Last time I traveled like this three years ago, it was all I could do to not fill up my journal before the end of my trip. I guess there was just too much going on this time around. There's lots to write about but I'm going to stick with my journal until I get home. There is only one user login on this laptop and the last thing I need is my parents finding my blog! The mortification... See you all soonly though. I'm home next Monday night. Erm, unless Grey takes me to his place from the airport. But I might insist on going home to my own shower and sheets and water pillow and ergonomic keyboard. It has been a good trip overall but I have been homesick like never before. I can't wait!

Soggy

I can't seem to stop crying today. Perhaps it's just hormones. Perhaps I should stop listening to John Mayer. I discovered him last weekend on XM. Robin Thicke as well, and a couple of other songs in my usual genre - hip hop.

B is out tonight. Wedding reception for Mr Money and his wife, Dr DC. Their wedding was last weekend on Harbour Island. It's a quaint little island near Eleuthera. Everyone drives around in golf carts and there are no traffic lights. The island is a maze of streets but is only about 5 km long. It is known as Briland to the locals and we stayed at the Ocean View Hotel on Pink Sands Beach.

When I first arrived there, I didn't think too much of the place. But by the end of 5 days, the place had cast it's spell on me. Sitting on the beach watching the boys play football. Getting up at 6 am to watch the sunrise by myself. Sleeping on the beach after that because I didn't want to wake up B. Drinks at Gusty's and dancing at Vic-Hum's. I think I had fallen in love with the place by the end of the massive Treasure Hunt organized by the bridesmaids. I think we must have driven around the island at least five times. I was hungry and cranky and heat strokey but I feel like I know the place like the back of my hand now. And I got to spend some time with B's boss' wife. She is a real Bahamian woman and I really liked her, even though my feelings about B's boss are ambiguous at best.

The wedding itself was nice. Short and sweet - 15 minutes on the beach followed by drinks and dinner and dancing at the Ocean View. I have to confess that I didn't pay too much attention to the actual ceremony because I was taking photos. I didn't notice that B was on the verge of tears a few times but some people pointed out his overly serious facial expression afterwards and he confessed as much to me when we looked at the photos a few days later. He's cute. I really miss him.

We had sex on the beach after the wedding. Not right after the wedding but much later that night. I was so nervous for his speech. He refused to tell me what he was going to say so I couldn't eat very much dinner but I did end up drinking almost an entire bottle of Veuve Clicquot (yum!) and bummed a cigarette right before his speech. Then I planted myself right in front of him which he apparently failed to notice because he was nervous too! After that, it was just fun. We danced lots. Sprinkled the bridal bed with condoms and pirate gear (Johnny Depp cardboard cutout, bottle of rum, inflatable parrot, pirate hats etc) and then we went to Vic-Hum's again. And when we got back to the hotel, a few people said they were going out to drink on the beach.

But by the time we got there, there was only a bridesmaid and a groomsman and some other people we met on the island. So we went for a walk and found a nice quiet spot to sit on our towels. The great thing about Briland is that it's not very developed yet. The beach was dark and we couldn't hear anyone further down the beach. So we ended up kissing and I guess all the champagne got to my head. I honestly don't remember being the one to suggest having sex right there. I do remember B being somewhat hesitant at first. I think he was nervous we would get caught and that would have been embarrassing. But it was worth it :) And now, when B talks about it, he grins from ear to ear. He seems to think I was being freaky but I don't think it was that outrageous. Even now, I can't believe that we actually did it because sand in sensitive places is icky and I'm not a publicly affectionate person. But it was so pitch black that we could almost see the Milky Way. Someone would have had to trip over us to find us. I think we must have been up til 4 am and then it was an early morning to get on the ferry back to Nassau. That was rough.

And Monday was nice. B took the day off and we went ring shopping. His idea, not mine. We found a few rings that we both liked. I really like the non-traditional stuff but he liked the diamonds. I have told him repeatedly that I don't need a ring. That we can just go to City Hall and do the paperwork. I've come a long way since X. It's really how I feel though. I just want him. I just want to be with him. I don't need the big party and the attention and stuff. But he wants to do it all the old fashioned way and I'm okay with that too.

The best parts of the entire weekend, other than the beautiful blue ocean and pink sand and warm sunshine of course, were just being with him. I missed him when he was off doing Best Man stuff and on Tuesday morning when he went to work. I have gone from not knowing if I have what it takes to make this work, to missing him and aching for him and not knowing if I have what it takes to make myself finish this degree. Maybe it's just the first flush of "new relationship" but I miss him so much right now that I can't stop crying. I really hope it's mostly hormones. My head is staring to hurt. I miss standing next to him. I miss the way he reaches out for me. I miss the way that he looks at me. I miss looking in his eyes. I miss the feeling I get when he walks towards me. When my heart skips a beat and my breath catches in my chest.

I want him. I want to be with him. I want it now.

Back

I'm back. The daily grind has been more hectic than anything else.

Two Fridays ago, I wrote my last exam ever, I think. I hope I don't do something crazy and actually enrol in any more courses next year. I was excited to take all of these courses but I have to say that I have been disappointed by the level of teaching at this university. Two of the five courses have been enjoyable. That is to say, stimulating and challenging and rewarding. Three have been stressful for no reason other than the professor was a tyrannical grumpus. Oh, it's just occurring to me that I have enjoyed the courses taught by female professors but not by male professors. Hmm...

I am supposed to be starting on my thesis proposal but I just can't seem to motivate myself. The weather has turned all nice and sunny. I'm appreciative of this. Normally I would wish it to be cold and grey and rainy but I'm enjoying the heat and the light. Damn this province. I need to get away from here quickly. I was sick when I wrote that exam and the cough won't go away. I've been taking cough syrup with codeine but I think that that one little teaspoon taken at night makes me groggy and lethargic for 24 hours. I didn't take it last night but I did sleep a lot today. I also got my period two weeks early. Just after B left, there was a clot of very red blood, about the size of a my fingernail. I don't want to think about what it might have been. I have been very unproductive for over a week now.

I have a week left to do my taxes. I hate taxes. I am having dim sum tomorrow morning so that may motivate me to come home and be productive. It's unlikely but you never know. I suppose I could always nap away the afternoon.

Monday afternoon I am driving X's parents home from the hospital. X's dad will be having his second radiation treatment. I have never seen anyone after a radiation treatment and I'm worried how he will look and feel and my reaction to that and also whether or not he will be uncomfortable squashed into my small car. Perhaps that is trivial but there will be the usual QEW traffic so the drive home could be an hour if not more, even though the distance is a scant 25 km or less.

Tuesday I think I will go into the office to check out my new cubicle. I'm very excited about this even though I only plan to be in the office one day a week, if that. If it's a window, I might consider going in on weekends. Too bad the office is so far away. Rather, too bad gas is so damn expensive. Anyway, I'll deal with that later.

I'm going to the Bahamas again in 25 days. B's best friend is getting married and they invited me to the wedding. B said that this was an important enough event that he wants me to be there so he paid for the flight and I'll pay him back when I get down there. I'm excited and nervous and distracted. I'm looking forward to it, I think.

He was very good to me while he was here. He bought me a ring and a new pair of Skechers and paid for groceries for the party and bought me my new shiny Brita filter. He took me out to breakfast and lunch and dinner. He cuddled and caressed and cooked. He stayed out of my way when I was studying and quietly let me sleep in. And I was a complete and total raving bitch. I was sleep-deprived and stressed and awful to him. I was anxious to be gone when I dropped him off at the airport so that I could finish my paper and start studying. I was happy to have my bed back with my clean 983742 thread count sheets and all my pillows to myself. I eradicated all traces of boy from the apartment the weekend after he left. Perhaps I don't deserve him.

Things have been a bit rough with us. I guess I'll be honest here because it's my blog and because nobody is reading it. I'm not sure if I can go through with this. I want to but I'm not sure if I love him. I have told him that I do. I know, it's an awful thing to confess. But he wanted to hear it, he needed to hear it, so I said it. But I don't even know what it means to love anymore. And I'm beginning to think that I never knew what it meant. I think about X sometimes and I wonder if we loved each other. Sometimes I still cry when I think about him and I regret what happened. I miss him. I know now that I pushed him away and everything fell apart because he didn't have the strength or the desire to resist. Perhaps it was the right decision but I'm not sure if I will ever be convinced of that and I don't think that I will ever get over it.

I think about my Valentine and how I almost believed that he was strong enough to be my man. But he wasn't. He left like all the rest. When I pushed him away. After weeks and months of being a terrible person. I miss him too. The way he always knew how to make me laugh. The way that he would call me on it when I was full of shit. The way that he wanted to be good at salsa dancing so that he could show me off and show off to me. The way that he said, "come on, you can talk to me."

And I push B away. Hard. And often. I can't figure out if I'm sabotaging this, as I do with everything. Or maybe in my soul I don't feel that this is right and that's why I push him away. I argue with him over trivial matters. Sometimes it even seems trivial at the time but I can't let it go. The way that he communicates. The insensitive things that he says. And I'm unable to distinguish the things that trigger my emotions and separate out what is rational and logical from the irrational and emotional. It's unfair to him but I don't know how to change my responses and my reactions.

I know that I push. I push hard and I'm not a nice person. So far he has said that he wants to work on it, that he knows that it won't be easy, that he won't let me go, that I'm stuck with him. Is that what I want? What I need? Am I that kind of woman? I think so. I want him to hold on and not let go while I push and struggle and scream and cry. I want him to break through to the other side. I need him to prove to me that this is what he really wants. And that's the only way I think I will believe that he's sincere.

I know, it's a terrible thing. I don't know what happened in my past to make me this person. I want to be a different person. I want to be nice and sweet and sensitive and caring and generous. I want to love myself the way that he clearly loves me but I don't know how. I wonder, until I can love myself, how can I love anyone else? And I think, how can I expect anyone else to love me, if I can't love myself? Is this the ultimate vicious cycle?

Is he my "happily ever after"?

Wow.

What a week. I'm back from my jaunt to the Bahamas and I'm exhausted from sleep deprivation, drinking and lots of wonderful sex. I hesitate to post that type of detail but only for a brief second. Might as well be honest while being anonymous, no? Anyway, where to begin? At the end, I suppose.

I'm back at home and that feels good. But I miss B. This week was almost indescribable. I very nearly didn't make it home. I don't know anymore if it's worth finishing grad school. This time last night I was calling WestJet to see if I could change my flight. And we were still awake in the early hours of the morning talking about settling down and having kids. It's as though the last 13 years didn't happen.

They did. He's a very different person now than I remember. He has a veneer that bothered me at first. The lawyer is front and centre from the moment he puts on his tie to long after he has left the office. But I got past all of that very quickly and I can still see the teenager that was head over heels for me at first sight. That boy has turned into a loving and caring and sweet and sensitive man. I want to walk away from my life and live in his. I want him to hold me and take care of me and tell me I'm beautiful. I want to have his children and make him breakfast and massage all the tension out of his neck and back. I want to sit in his car and drive around after dark listening to XM and smoking cigarettes. If he had asked me to marry him, I wouldn't have left Nassau this afternoon.

This time last Friday, I had already met both his parents and was well on my way to blacking out from excessive alcohol consumption. They mix them strong in the Bahamas. My total consumption was a BahamaMama at lunch, half a glass of white wine in the evening before we left the house, a BahamaMama at the bank where I met his dad, a BahamaMama at Hurricane Hole and one last BahamaMama at Atlantis. Granted I didn't have dinner but I've never been drunk that quickly before. I blacked out while talking to his cousin and managed to make it to the washroom and back to the bar while suffering from what I'm certain was almost alcohol poisoning. Then it was water for the rest of the night. We went to Bambu and danced all night. I love that he can move. I love that he can sing. I love that he loves to do it and that he loves to do it with me in his arms. We danced close, we danced apart, we danced with each other except for one dance with his cousin. We didn't get home until 5 am. It turns out that I lost my wallet but didn't realise it until the following morning.

Saturday was spent hungover and touring the island. We sat on the beach in the afternoon and it was chilly. We were still a little awkward at that point. In hindsight, I think it was because we both knew how we were each feeling but wasn't sure about the other. It was a quiet evening with the family and then we went home and I decided it was time to break the ice. I ended up giving him a two hour deep muscle massage. Sometimes a man has to physically submit before he'll let you in emotionally but I think that it was worth the effort and the skinned knuckles. I caught up on his life, his love life specifically. He has developed a reputation for being a player. My little B, a heartbreaker. Who woulda thought it?

Sunday was again spent with family and friends. He had a lot to drink in the evening and when we got home, he asked me if I wanted to go to the beach. So we bundled up, grabbed two wine glasses and a bottle and sat in the dark trying not to get washed away. It was windy and cold and dark and he held me close and told me that I had always had a special place in his heart. I told him that I remembered the date that the Blue Jays won the World Series the second time. October 23, 1993. It was the day we met. And I said to him, "so who has a special place in whose heart?" and he leaned over and kissed me. A little bit of liquid courage sometimes makes good accelerant. That night we did all the things we never did as naive and innocent kids. I don't want to have sex with anyone else again ever. I just want him. He told me he would take care of me, that he had always loved me, and over and over he said I was beautiful. I can't write all that without crying.

The rest of the week is a bit of a blur. His inability to get time off was frustrating but it meant I got to know his mother very well. We spent the whole of Monday together. I spent Tuesday by myself at the beach and by the pool. Wednesday tried to go to Harbour Island but the service had been suspended and I spent the morning stuck in his office waiting for him to take me home and hiding post it notes. When we sat down to lunch, he got a call from the office. A client had showed up and demanded a meeting. So I didn't go home and instead wondered around town for a couple of hours. When I showed up at the office again, I was in tears. Frustrated that I was missing out on time with him, time at the beach, time in the sun. So I bailed out and told him to call me when he was free and took the ferry over to Paradise Island. The rest of the evening was great. We went for drinks at Cafe Europa. Dinner at Luciano's. Dessert at home in bed. Thursday morning at the beach, he finally left work at lunch time and it was by far the best afternoon of my vacation. Lunch at August Moon with his mother. Afternoon at Love Beach. Dinner at Bimini Road. Wondered around Marina Village looking at boats.

I want that life for myself. I know it's mostly artificial. The dinners out and the tourist lifestyle. But I want the ocean and the sand and his company and to be around his family. I miss him. He said he would try to come up in March and would fly me down there for my 30th birthday.

My cynical heart is preparing for empty promises but my soul wants to hope and believe. Does fate exist? Will the third time be the charm? Now that we're adults, will be have better control over our decisions and our futures? Will this be my happily ever after?