I almost dated Jesus

So, apparently, when you date an almost 40-year old Spanish Catholic man who was born on Christmas Day and whose name is Jesus, you don't get to see him that day because his parents won't let him come out and play. Apparently, this also means that you wake up on Boxing Day with no desire to fool around with him anymore.

It's a good thing I still have Don Draper and Robert Langdon to get me through the rest of the holidays!

Confused

I know I wrote recently that I would not blog about my relationship with MFV but I am feeling so confused at the moment and obviously have nobody to talk to about this. He has been spending time with my sister, which, at first I thought was sweet and helpful. And I still want to believe that's all it is. But he's been helping her catproof her new condo and I'm starting to turn a bit green around the gills. He doesn't even like cats! But he took her to IKEA today to get something which would help the situation. I wasn't really clear what that was though. A dog, maybe??

I'm not close to my sister. We're too different. I've tried but I just can't have a meaningful conversation with her. He has tried to reassure me that he's attracted to me and therefore would not be attracted to her. She's the skinny, pretty one. I got the brains (and I like to think the personality!). There were a couple of evenings when he didn't text me back and it wasn't until we talked later that he told me what he was doing but not who he was with. He only told me when I asked who he went with. After that, I told him that I would be more comfortable if he told me ahead of time that he was going to hang out with her. Otherwise it feels as though he's hiding it and he said it wasn't a big deal. But something feels off this evening. Maybe I'm imagining things.

I guess, if it's going to happen (or if it has already happened), there's nothing I can do about it. But, if it does, there's no way around it. I will feel betrayed.

Long weekends are lame

While work was a bitch this week, and I was looking forward to not being at the office for 3 days, now that the long weekend is here, I'm not happy about it. I hate long weekends. Everyone doing family stuff, eating yummy things and whatever other things families do together. Not that I want to be with mine at all. I mean, that would just make us all miserable. But I still feel lonely.

I get anxious having such a long expanse of time with so little to fill it in. I'm inventing things to do, none of which are bad and all of which I would normally want to do on a weekend. Like read the paper and watch tv and buy groceries and go to the gym. But the thought of forcing myself to stay busy while everyone else gets to relax fills me with dread. It's a good thing I brought work home.

And speaking of work, I'm inching ever closer to Vancouver. I heard today that there is stiff competition for job 1. And the person who is leaving job 2 hasn't even phoned to talk to me about whether I would be interested, even though that's what she told Douchebag she was going to do. Vancouver is not a bad opportunity. It's a big raise to go with a shiny new promotion. I love the city and it's feeling less and less like a backup plan every day. I am going to give myself until the end of the month to decide.

There are four things that worry me:

1. returning to a completely dysfunctional group, although the current state of dramarama is rapidly pushing me out the door;
2. losing my huge - if somewhat unsatisfying - social circle;
3. leaving my hairdresser;
4. not having a family doctor.

It is notoriously hard to get a family doctor. For almost 4 years, I went to the walk-in clinic. Ugh, bad.

I'm really going to bed early tonight. Hopefully nobody phones me after I fall asleep.

Must practice lying

A couple of funny things happened tonight while I was hanging with the septuagenarian crew that I just have to blog about.

First: Indian alcohol advice.

Whiskey then beer: in the clear,
Beer then whiskey: very risky.

Second: I really must practice lying.

The folks etc were hanging out talking and shooting the shit when they got to talking about experimenting with drugs. I was quietly minding my business reading my thesis on the couch when my "aunt" (who is very cool and a wonderful person) turns to me and says, "Ms B, have you ever tried marijuana?"

Holy duck, I almost had an aneurysm! Normally I would not have lied to her but in front of my parents!

So I said, "no! And even if I had, I would lie in front of my parents!"

Frig. I'm not sure my parents were convinced and I couldn't even look at my dad after that for a while. Mind you, he didn't look at me either so I wonder what he has been up to.

Must practice my poker face!

End in sight

This is it. The last weekend of thesis writing! Well, maybe not ever because I'm sure I will have corrections after the defense. But it's the last weekend of thesis writing for a month! Yay :) Also, my parents are in town, despite my urging them not to come until October, so it's a good way to avoid hanging out with them.

I saw a place that I liked enough on Thursday to consider making an offer. So I might do that on Wednesday. How crazy a week would that be? Submit my thesis and buy a condo in the same week? I guess I'm going to have to get seriously drizzunk next weekend.

For now, back to denitrification (shudder). No wait, first I'm going to have brunch at the new Cora's near my place. Bagel with lox, here I come!

Fireworks

You know what is great? Fireworks. At the end of a long weekend. On the beach. With someone to keep you warm.

Something else that is great? A guy who tries to impress family and friends.

He's still making me laugh. And he doesn't even seem to be trying. It's comfortable. When was the last time I felt comfortable? Grey, probably. But that was fleeting. I think I walked on eggshells around him.

He said something interesting this evening. Not Grey. The new guy. He said he didn't want to hear about past relationships, how I felt about other guys, sexploits etc because it would just piss him off. So I told him to pretend I was one of those guys who's all talk but 90% of the stuff they brag about is total crap. He laughed.

So far, so good.

No Right Answers

I spent all day yesterday being exhausted and stressed. Then I spent all day being stressed. Then he called and now I feel better. We talked for an hour and he seemed honest and sincere and I was reassured by the fact that he didn't pretend to have all the answers. I don't know what will happen but I'm prepared to wait and see. Maybe it will be nothing. Maybe it will be something. Maybe it will be in between.

We might go for a walk tomorrow night when he gets back into town.

I went over to X's parents house for dinner tonight. Whenever someone asks me what my favourite food is, I think "X's mom's cooking". I used to tell people that when we were together but now it would just sound silly. But that woman has magic fingers. Everything she makes tastes yummy and I can't seem to reproduce it. I'm probably lacking TLC. Anyway, we had roast beef and popovers. Do you know what a popover is? Yummy, eggy, goodness which just happens to be hell to my digestive system. Whatever. I ate two. TWO! It was totally worth it.

The nice guy blow-off

I realized I had to run some errands on Thursday (drug store, drop off paperwork, eat lunch) so I went out and bought shoes.




I'm glad I did because the rest of my day was kinda crappy. 516 is definitely not interested so I deleted his number and all of his text messages.

This morning wasn't much improved either. Yesterday I sent my mother an email telling her that my supervisors had set a defense date and asking her to help me plan vacation for August. Her response? That the gorgeous green georgette silk sari I picked out myself and wore to the wedding wasn't formal enough. My mother is a bitch. I hate her again. I haven't felt this way in several years but forget about family vacation. I'm not even going to my graduation. If she decides to go, she can pick up my degree for me. I wrote her a long and hateful flamer but didn't send it. I'll probably just ignore her for a while and tell A's mother how I'm feeling. She's pretty much guaranteed to tell my mother.

Also, I think I'm starting to get sick. A lot of people at the wedding were sick so I figured it was only 3 to 5 days before I started to feel it. It's either NYC withdrawal or H1N1.

I'm so miserable. I think the only remedy is pizza and the couch.

Chomp!

Honestly, sometimes India makes me miserable. I would have slept well but I got bitten three times: twice on the chin and once on the arm. I don't know where the mosquito came from since it's January (!) but naturally it would find me somehow. I'm all swollen and puffy and itchy and grumpy. Other than that, things are great. I'm online (it's dial up but surprisingly fast), I have already had my favourite dessert (rasmalai), my parent's new flat is amazing - high ceilings, marble floors, spa-style bathrooms - if a bit cavernous for just two of us. And we've already talked to the important people so hopefully today will be good, whenever we figure out what we're doing exactly.

We booked our tickets to Calcutta for Monday afternoon. I somehow have to find a way to tell my grandfather that I won't be staying with him because A has rented a flat close to her ailing grandmother. When there are this many people to coordinate with, things get much more difficult. Today will likely be the reverse. We have no real plans. I'm hoping to do some shopping but it's Sunday and I never know in Asia when things are going to be open. In Hong Kong, everything was open on Christmas Eve and most things were open Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Even the grocery store was open til 10 pm on Christmas Day. It was great, actually. For those of us who don't celebrate and feel like we're misisng out, it was good to get all of my errands done. It didn't feel like a special day at all until we went out with some friends for dinner.

One thing I wanted to mention after my last post was the food on Cathay Pacific. It was actually excellent. My dad's omelette, hash brown and sausage was decent as far as plane food goes. But I chose the Indian vegetarian option (because I'm allergic to eggs - have I mentioned that before?) and it was good. I mean, it was comparable to street food in any Little India anywhere in the world. It may have even been as good as real Indian food from India! I was very impressed. And the service on CP is as good as I remember. My dad can be a pretty surly old man sometimes and the flight attendants accommodated his every grunted request for water and a newspaper.

In the absence of familia drama, I have discovered a new source of anxiety. How will I manage to travel in India on my own when my parents are gone? Sometimes I doubt that I will come here when there is no longer anyone left to visit. But worse, what happens when my parents want to travel here and I have to be the responsible one? The one who arranges for a driver to pick us up a the airport, instructs the cook and housekeeper, orders the water and makes sure the flat is livable? I am having to do some of that already because my dad is approaching 70 and apparently just barely manages to muddle through these things now. Even finding the keys to the locker at the bank took a half hour phone call to my mother and an extensive search of all of the locked cupboards in the bedrooms. Sigh. I can't worry about that now but I'm going to have to learn the language at some point. And make some of my own connections so that I'm not completely at a loss when I do have to be the grown up.

Okay, must go respond to C le V's emails before my dad gets up.

Curry Christmas

It's Christmas yo! My mom asked me yesterday whether I wanted her to buy a ham and roast it or something. Or just eat chicken curry leftovers from two days ago. I voted for the chicken curry leftovers. Last night, my parents and I went to one of the ubiquitous tourist night markets with my friend, The Actress, from high school, her parents and another close family friend, Mr K. It was pretty fun actually. I got used to all of the crowds very quickly but my lungs and sinuses are definitely suffering from the poor air quality. It's still a little chilly here but The Actress' mother was trying to convince me they were swimming in the ocean last weekend because it was so hot. Figures I would bring the cold Canuck weather with me!

I didn't buy anything but The Actress bought a lot of useless junk. Grey asked me to look for Coach for his assistant and I did find a couple that I liked but I have no idea what she might want since I've never met her. We didn't walk back through the market (basically a lane) so I didn't go back for the purse. I have lots of time though so I can go back there in January if I decide that's what I want to buy.

I got an email from Capitaine le Vomi. He started it off "hello sweatheart". Not sure if that was a typo or intentional. He said he was looking forward to my coming back. Is that the same as telling me he misses me? As far as I'm concerned, he's as far away now as he was before for all the talking and visiting we've ever done. Plus I'm still not sure I can overlook the vomit weekend fiasco yet.

Anyway, I'm getting off the computer now before the 'rentals barge in and wonder what the heck blogger is. The mortification if they ever found this private, online journal! Plans for today include pjs and tv. Plans for tomorrow include dinner with a long lost and very close friend from high school. She's nuts but I have a feeling we'll connect just like old times.

Jet lag brain

Jet lag sucks. I was hoping to stay up til at least 10 pm but I don't think that's going to happen. Granted, the documentary on the Amazon River wasn't helping. So just a quick post and then I'm going to put in my ear plugs and go to bed. When I woke up this morning, I was still anxious. Likely only getting 1.5 hours sleep didn't help any. But by the time I got to the gate and wrote a few words in my journal, I was actually looking forward to the trip. Not the flight, although it wasn't that bad and I slept quite a lot. I was even looking forward to seeing my parents at the airport which is unusual enough to warrant mentioning. However, my mother decided not to come to the airport so it was just me and my dad. That's okay too. It took us a good hour at least to get home and driving around this city was harrowing, just as I remember it. My dad suggested that I try driving his car but I won't. Not least because it's the wrong side of the road (the right side, actually) but also because it's a nice car and everything is crazy here. My heart was in my mouth the entire ride home which just goes to show how quickly you can get used to "better" conditions. I was born and raised here so I should be used to it. I'll get used to it again quickly. I always do.

After I got here, I spent an hour on the phone with A. It helps to be closer in time zones although she hasn't got over her jetlag and she's been in this half of the world for over a week now. Then in the evening, my mother dragged me over to a neighbour's. They moved shortly after my parents moved but they were our neighbours since I was in Grade 5. I took french classes and ballet classes with their older daughter but hadn't seen her in 15 years. It was weird. She's different. I must be too. Not sure if I'll be seeing her again this week. I can't believe tomorrow is Christmas Eve. We have to keep reminding ourselves that we might not be able to do everything we want to because things might close early. Then again, they might not. We were thinking of going to the night market tomorrow. Grey asked me to find out how much Coach purses went for in this part of the world for his administrative assistant so I might have to do some shopping. But what I really want is to stay "home" and do nothing.

A couple of you have asked where "home" is. I was going to tell you but let's play a guessing game. I'll drop hints and you can make some edumacated deductions. But I have to confess, I made a mistake with the flight time. It was actually closer to 16 hours from Toronto.

Milestone passed

Is it pathetic that I was sad that I had nobody to help me carry balloons, birthday cake and leftovers up from the underground parking today? I found it overwhelming to be the centre of attention at my birthday "party". On top of having to control my temper with my mother and failing miserably at that early in the evening, being inhibited by her presence was just exhausting. But I am very touched that three of my girlfriends went to such efforts on a Monday evening. I had pink balloons, pink cake and a gift card for the mall. I am debating actually purchasing this outfit.

Okay the website is taking forever. Let's just say it's an outrageously HAWT pant suit. Yes people, I said a pant suit. The pants and the top are actually attached! The thing is, I put it on and looked totally smoking. I am thinking of spending $140 I don't have on the damn thing. I had to walk over to the men's section of the store to have my ass scanned as the bar code had fallen off and every single male head turned to stare. That has never happened to me before. Two guys walked by and said "that's beautiful". That has happened before though ;)

So I walked away knowing that it would still be there tomorrow. I might go to a different store to visit it again. Maybe take a friend.

Other than that, the day was relatively uneventful. I went to pick up my gift from the Government of Ontario. They charged me $134 for my vehicle registration renewal which was charming. I must remember to put the sticker on next time I drive my car. Then I came home after much fruitless shopping for a not-black dress for Baby's wedding (her mother is superstitious so I thought I would make an effort to at least look for another dress). Talked to X on the phone for a while about Halloween, weddings and random crap.

Tomorrow I really must pretend to work on my thesis. Pilates class in the evening is followed by a "meet" - I am no longer referring to them as dates - with another random PoF guy. We talked on the phone and he sounded normal. Not that that's an indication of anything, clearly. Also, one of the guys from Saturday night sent me a fb message. Yay the miracle worked! But it was the cute one, not the chemical one. Sigh. Oh well, it's early yet in dating time right? Maybe he'll reach out later in the week.

Just got an email from my former Valentine. Do normal people consider 256 a nice round number? Hell yes! I must come up with a new name for him.

Planetary Perturbation

I think the planets are aligned today. Or misaligned. Or something.

I had a full Sunday and only felt lonely for a few scattered moments here and there.

This morning I had dim sum as a thank you for planning yesterday's baby shower. Then I went shopping for wedding dresses. Which, can I just say, is so much fun when you can make someone else try on a bunch of wedding dresses regardless of whether they're hideous or gorgeous. And this evening I had dinner with old family friends. Well, they're friends of my parents. But it was nice. It felt like having my own family and I had some awesome home cooking.

There were three families. My parents aren't visiting this summer but usually there are four sets of parents and two kids. The first set of parents belongs to my best friend A. She and I finished high school together here so I've only known them for about 15 years. The second set of parents are here visiting their son. He is a couple of years older than me and our parents have known each other for our entire lives. He even condescended to speak to me a couple of times today. He passed me grapes, let me put my glass of wine on the table without a coaster and said he would email me about his trip to Vancouver next weekend. More progress!

The third set of parents are my favourite. They are spirited and highly educated and fun and funny. They are the oldest - both over 75, I think - and they are the ideal old married couple. They make fun of each other, they complete each others' sentences, they interrupt each other, their non-verbal communication is seamless. I think they are actually still in love. If I can't have that, I don't want to get married.

And, when I got home tonight, I discovered I had missed a Skype call and two MSN messages from Grey. I didn't reply to any of them and I don't think that I will.

Gone

Small dogs leave big voids. I just talked to X and his mother. They put the dog down this afternoon. She was suffering and it was her time to go. I would like to believe in reincarnation. Or at the very least, she is chasing squirrels in the sky. But I wasn't ready and I can't believe she is actually gone. I need a hug.

Humpy Halloween

How can it only be Wednesday night?? This week is taking forever to end. And not just because I'm turning 30 on Saturday and can't wait :) My last post should have been called "Weekend High". I must be losing it.

He finally asked about X today. Today I was over at X's parents house. Drove his mother home from the hospital and then put up her Halloween decorations while she made dinner. X and I manned the door while she ate and sat with the dog who is 13.5 years old and may not have another Halloween. Mr. X is in the hospital having his bone marrow replaced. He should have been home already but he has a Clostridium difficile infection and is in isolation. They won't let him come home until he has been diarrhea-free for 48 hours. Mrs. X is so strong and matter-of-fact that I have no idea how she copes. I hope I never have to be in her shoes. Perhaps she is stubborn and has a one-track mind. Perhaps she understands that she can't change anything so she just has to manage. Perhaps she cries herself to sleep every night. I would. I can't think of anything I wouldn't do for that family.

I'm not sure what I'll tell the mysterious guy about X. That he treats me more like his little sister than his ex. That I broke up with him because he was never going to be the man I needed in my life. That I'm not attracted to him anymore and haven't been for years. That usually, when we spend time together, I realize I'm better off alone than spending the rest of my life with him. That I still believe, if I'm not good enough for him, maybe I'm not good enough for anyone? I don't know. I guess I'll figure that out when we talk tomorrow.

As for Halloween, I'm glad that it happened, even if it was a bit stressful. We had one little blue princess who took one look at the dog and started yelling "Doggie! DOGGIE!" at the top of her lungs. Fortunately, Mrs. X was holding her (the dog, not the princess) so a near disaster was averted. And then, after X gave her the standard ration of two chocolate bars, she reached into the box and took another one! We all laughed but my nerves were a bit on edge. I can only imagine how the poor dog must have felt. I think the little blue princess had dipped into her candy stash a bit early!

I'm tired. My tummy hurts. I just want to go to bed but I don't think sleep will come easily tonight. I wish I was with the mysterious guy instead of being home alone but I have an early lab day tomorrow and it's better this way.

I could do without Sundays

I'm sitting in the dark too upset to cry. I hate Sundays. I've always hated Sundays. There were a few years that Sundays were good: roast and TV and family and happy. But mostly they have been miserable and awful and lonely. Everyone does family stuff and I have only my loneliness to entertain me. Tonight I was pacing around the apartment when I realized that I just wanted to sit in the dark. So I turned out the lights, wrapped myself in my fleece blanket and sat in my chair by the window. I cried a bit but I'm too much trapped inside my head to really let anything out.

When I was little, Sundays were usually not happy. My memories of Sundays seem very surreal. I don't remember Sunday mornings. Maybe my mother actually let me sleep. Afternoons were often spent at gymnastics or the swimming pool or playing badminton. Then eating hot dogs or noodles at the sports centre canteen. Then home in the evening and somehow my mother was always miserable. I only ever remember eating out on Sunday evenings. Mostly at the Cricket Club. Because that was my nanny's day off so there was nobody to cook. To this day, I can't stand my mother's cooking. Everyone else's mom seems to cook just fine but not my mom. I think I inherited that from her.

And now, all of my friends are doing family stuff. I can't think of a single person I know who doesn't have family here. Even my ever-loving boyfriend can't come home from his parents house early to talk to me. I don't think that he wants to talk at all. We had a Skype date for yesterday morning but he broke it because he had to have birthday brunch with his mother. I feel like shit for being resentful but I can't help it.

I think it may be time for a new pack of cigarettes. I can't remember the last time I bought one. But now seems as good a time as any to buy another.

Blarg

Presentation: not-so-great
Next meeting not for a month: good
Evening spent with Piglet's mom: just what I needed
Conversation with B: frustrating
Email from X re his dad's reaction to the card I wrote to his mother: made me cry. His mother liked it but it made his dad cry.
Sinuses: phlegmy
General feeling tonight: exhausted, crunched for time, unable to help where I want to the most, lonely.

I am responsible for my feelings. I am going to bed. Things will be better when I wake up in 8 hours. If only because I will be less exhausted.

Can't sleep for worrying

One of our friends insisted on picking up X at the airport. Let's call this friend John. John has always been somewhat pushy and insensitive. But I can never stay mad at him. So I'm sitting here stewing that he has taken away the one thing I could have done to help X right now. I doubt I'll ever tell him that. Instead, I'll just meet them at the airport, give X a hug and send a card home to his mother so that she knows I'm thinking of them everyday. Like now, when I should be lying in bed imagining B spooning me to help me fall asleep. Instead I think of X's dad, lying in that hospital room with a bedpan, unable to sit up, disoriented with a long battle of chemo and physio and dependency ahead. It just breaks my heart.

This the card I just wrote to X's mother...

I've never been very good at articulating myself so I just wanted to write you this quick card to tell you that, even though I have never officially been part of your family, all of you have always meant a great deal to me, sometimes even more than my own family. I don't think I have ever told you that I never understand the importance of family until I spent my first Thanksgiving at your house. So, even if I'm not around or able to actually help, I'll be here thinking and worrying and waiting and hoping right along with you.

Shitty

Wow, I have not done anything today.

When I came home from yoga class, the fire alarm started to go off. That was probably a good 20 minutes worth of irritating klaxoning while I tried to eat lunch and read my book. I didn't notice my cell phone beeping at me until almost 2 pm. X's mom had called. I was sort of waiting for this call all week. I knew that something had happened earlier in the week when I read the former-would-be-sister-in-law's blog entry from Friday. They live in another city but were in town this weekend. Last time that happened, X's dad had to go to hospital for severe back pain. Anyway, in her blog entry she said that she had a minor meltdown. She's going through her own struggle with cancer so I thought that something must have happened related to X's dad but I wasn't expecting news this significant.

He was hospitalized over the weekend for emergency surgery due to extreme pain and loss of mobility and they found tumours. I think X is flying home on Tuesday so I'll feel better when he's here. So will his mother, obviously. His dad is still in hospital, actually very close by to my place. But I just have to sit here and wait. I hate that. I just want get up and do something to make it go away. I hate worrying about things that are out of my control. Those are really the only things that I worry about anyway, ever since my anxiety journal cured me of worrying about things I could control. I should at least stop listening to music in minor keys.

I want to jump off my chair, run to the car and drive over there. Where I don't know. The hospital to wait while she visits? To the house to help look after the dog? I have no idea. I guess there really isn't anything I can do except to correspond over email and wait for X to come home. As I sit here trying to plough through journal article after journal article, my thoughts drift away and I find myself imagining worst case scenarios. This time of day doesn't help either. As the sun starts to set and it gets dark in my apartment.

I'm alone. I've known loneliness my whole life and in the last few years, I have come to understand and embrace the fact that we are all truly alone. But I love his family more than I love my own family. His mother must be devastated. I would be. And when B made a crack about dying early from overwork this afternoon, I almost screamed. Why is this happening? Why can't I fix it?

Friendship and responsibility

There are some people with whom my friendship has become more of a responsibility than a pleasure. That is to say, it's not that I don't enjoy their company. I do, but not as much as I used to. And not as much as I enjoy spending time with other friends.

One of my friends is getting married in two weeks. She asked me to MC the wedding. I'm happy to do it because it will be fun and I think that I can help make her day memorable. At least, I certainly hope that I can. I'm jointly MCing with one of my bestest friends ever. Piglet's mom. The three of us graduated from the same undergraduate program. Four of us went to lunch today at the wedding location. The bride and her mom, me and Piglet's mom. It's going to be a very non-traditional casual wedding. That's fine. It will be short and sweet, the food will be good, there is an open-bar and it's close to my place so I can walk.

But overall, I'm not really sure that the atmosphere was very wedding-ey. The bride seems happy enough. That is to say, she's not an overly effusive or joyous person but she seems genuinely excited about her wedding. Notice I said "her" wedding not "their" wedding.

I've never spoken to the groom, they haven't been together for very long and she doesn't seem to like him very much. And he's not that interested in the wedding details. Or maybe she's purposely excluding him from the arrangements. Piglet's mom asked me today if I thought that was the case but I really don't know. I mean, I'm a control freak so I can see myself behaving similarly. But then, I wouldn't marry a man who was incapable of paying at least as much attention to detail as myself. B is definitely the woman in our relationship.

I think I got off-track a little bit. I was trying to say that my relationship with the bride has changed slightly. Maybe I perceive it and she doesn't. I certainly don't want her to think that I don't value her as much anymore. But I have to be honest here (because, let's face it, why wouldn't I?) and admit that I don't necessarily trust her judgement and I doubt that I would ask her to be heavily involved in my wedding plans.

I guess some relationships are more equal than others. And the longer you know someone, the more likely it is to change. Especially as people grow out of their 20s. But I don't necessarily think that this wedding is right. I've asked her, and she has told me, that she is happy. But something doesn't ring true. Maybe if it did, maybe if I knew something about the man she will marry in two weeks, I wouldn't be quite so emotionally distanced from the wedding.

I was a bridesmaid for Piglet's mom and that was one of the happiest, most wonderful weddings I have ever been to. I still look back on it with a lot of joy and they are two of my best friends. I love just hanging out at their place and often have to tear myself away reluctantly. I miss her during the week. I chat on MSN to her husband. And today she and I sent 25 emails back and forth between 2 pm and 5 pm, while we were both busy working. I even shopped online for maternity dresses for her for the wedding. She's like my family. The bride... I don't know. She's one of my oldest friends (now that I no longer live in the country in which I grew up) and I'm always completely honest with her. But I don't feel the same kind of attachment as I do with Piglet's mom.

It didn't help today that she mentioned an eligible friend of the groom as a prospect for me. Then when I reminded her I was taken, she said "no you're not". "Yes, I am." "No you're not!"

Yes, I am.