Still unemployed and homeless

Not that I was expecting anything to change over the weekend, but I'm still in my pjs at 11 am, sitting on MFV's couch not earning my keep. We're having lunch at noon (although I'm not sure how that will work since it's No Talking Mondays) which will likely be the highlight of my day. On Friday afternoon, I went to the office to talk to my group manager and they're thinking about putting me on the payroll temporarily starting next week. Apparently I am just not able to take time off like a normal person. I was inventing lists of things to do for myself last week. Today, (un)fortunately, I forgot to the sign back a page of the eleventy page background check form so I have to print, sign and courier it back to them this afternoon. Also, I got a call from the people who are organizing the Paralympic games yesterday and they are looking for volunteers so I'm hoping to get involved with that for a few days next week. Okay, I better put on my big girl pants so that I can at least have a productive afternoon.

Sunny and 8 degrees... and boring

Oh dear, I have taken one full day off and I'm bored out of my tree! Yesterday, I unpacked and got organized (I figure I will be here a while, regardless of which job offer I accept) and then I went to the beach and lay on a bench (and was chased off by a bunch of mean, angry old hobos) and read this book (thanks Seattle).

Just as I was writing that paragraph, I got a text message from a girlfriend to come over and hang out. I was going to make a list of things to do (groceries, laundry, download and photos, crossword puzzle etc) but now I guess I can procrastinate a bit longer :)

Homeless and unemployed

It's Friday morning at the end of a life-changing week. I'm sitting on Jesus' couch watching Olympic coverage. It's 9.30 am and I'm still in my pjs. I'm backing up my laptop in case I have to give it back while I'm in BC. My stuff is in Mr and Mrs Happy's basement - thank God for them - and my car is with Baby's friend which is also a relief. A couple of the grad students helped keep me sane on moving day which was one of the longest days of my life. So I am now officially homeless. I will be unemployed at the end of next week so I guess that makes me a hobo. I have decided to stay in Vancouver indefinitely until I make a decision about work. I figure it makes more sense to be there where it's warm and I can at least get outside during the day. I'll be staying with MFV and we will hopefully not want to kill each other after a few days. If I decide to come back to Toronto, I will have nowhere to live so I'm not anxious to return until I have to. I am hoping to see King Tut before I leave so I should get moving with my morning. Next time I write will probably be the other side of our road trip to Oregon.

Sloth

My landlady is going to sell this place so now I have to prepare for 60 days of showings. Gah. This from the girl who has stray cups littered over the apartment, empty wine bottles (rinsed and ready to recycle) on the counter and lives out of the laundry basket. I had an unexpected hour free this evening because I didn't have belly dance class and decided to use that time to imitate a sloth... and then that somehow extended into the rest of the evening. I did talk to Jesus for a bit, so that was productive. Errr, ahem. Anyway, I'm going to put dirty dishes in the wishwasher and pretend to put away some laundry. Maybe just the pants that I don't want to iron later this week. Can somebody please send me a husband/butler?

Sunday morning

I'm procrastinating. On Sunday! About going out! I do this often. I just want to stay home and be spooned by my couch most of the time. Is that so much to ask? I'm a recovering grad student, after all.

Yesterday, I finally dragged my ass out of the house about 3 pm for coffee, cash and One of a Kind Show (yes, again). I want to post all of the awesome and cool things that I saw there! I know I said I would do that last week but I haven't had the energy. Maybe tonight? Ahh, who am I kidding? They will just live forever in my head and in the little pile of cards on my desk. I should find a place for those. Some great, unusual gift ideas lie in that little pile.

I spent around 3 hours at the show wandering around by myself, sampling food and buying trinkets for myself. I thought about the art that I wanted to put on my imaginary condo walls. And I decided that I'm going to wait until I have said condo and then put up some of my own photos. And one or two of MFV's. He's an incredible photographer.

I took the long way home - 2 streetcars instead of the subway. At Bathurst and Queen, I saw a woman standing, waiting for the southbound car dressed in a leopard hoodie/cape thing complete with little ears and whiskers. She was waving excitedly as we passed by. Then, a couple of blocks north of that, we passed a house with a sign in the window, "Steam baths". We have steam baths in Toronto? Apparently we do. As we passed the back of the house, two police officers were leading a large man out onto the street in handcuffs. I think that was my first arrest. Ahem, not *my* first arrest! But you know what I mean. My first time seeing one in real life. Crazy.

Then I had sushi with my toxic ex-coworker and her brother and his gf. I have decided I don't like her family that much either. Must spend less time.

And today, I'm off to the mall and the orifice, the post office and two feedings by nice Indian parents (not mine, fortunately!). While I do not object to the feedings, I could use a bit more couch time today.

2^ 5 has been the best birthday ever

I just had the best birthday ever. MFV phoned at 11.30 to wish me a happy almost birthday and we probably talked for a couple of hours about stuff and stuff. It was tough to get up in the morning but it sorta felt like Christmas - minus that whole having to go to work thing. I got my free birthday latte from Starbucks - yay! - and my coworkers took me out to lunch which was so surprising and really nice. I really did not expect that at all. I even brought my lunch today which I NEVER do.

In the afternoon, I met up with my financial advisor. That was my birthday present to myself. I didn't lose as much as I thought in the last couple of years. Only around 4 or 5% of my portfolio. This was due to sheer dumb luck. When I last saw her in 2007, I had intended to buy a place in 2008 so we moved a lot out of equity into money market. Then, because I didn't see her for 2 years, we never moved it back out and I weathered the storm quite nicely. Actually, I should give her more credit for that. I'm sure that if I had been too aggressive with my equity balance, she would have let me know. She also asked me about my target retirement age. Whether I was looking at 60 or 55. I laughed and said 55 would be nice but, considering that I'm 32 years old today and still don't own a house, I doubt I can do both. She said she would run some numbers and see what happens.

Then the girls came over this evening for dinner. Pink dress made vegetarian chili which is phenomenal. Our mutual friend brought wine and cheese, all of which were fabulous. She also brought over molten chocolate lava mini cakes. Oh lord. And my belly dance teacher brought herself and some cheery spirits. It was really nice. It was good to feel loved. Also, my facebook wall literally exploded today. It was really unexpected and overwhelming and touching to feel so much love in my life.

But the icing on my cake might have been unexpectedly receiving a gift in the mail from MFV. He mailed me a Moroccan teapot stuffed with chocolates from Daniel le chocolat Belge. And a really sweet card. I might be falling in love with that stupid boy.

Weekend stuff

Life has returned to regular programming, post-Convocation. Friday night was blustery and cold and raining cats and dogs. I bought a used lens from a guy off craigslist and then went for sushi and coffee with an ex-coworker. Saturday morning, I attempted to go the gym but was foiled because pilates was cancelled and I didn't have my running shoes or mp3 player (I'm the last person on the planet without an iPod) so I went to dim sum with my parents and the septuagenarians kids and newly adopted grandbaby. Then I baked some hazelnut butter crisp cookies and saw Charlie (his mom's birthday) and proceeded to get fat on condensed milk toast with the girls. And today was brunch at Tequila Bookworm, met a briard in the park, bizarre bazaar and Cirque du Soleil.

If you can see the show in Toronto, you should go. It's called oVo. It's my new favourite. It was as good as an orgasm. So remember, o for orgasm and oVo. In fact, it was better than an orgasm because I went with a girlfriend whose company I actually enjoy and we both went home with orgasms :) So.good. oVo, people. You should go.

My ribs are creaking

God, have I really not posted all week? It's been a long and crazy one. Not as crazy as some recent ones, but still long, despite being short. Our three day Thanksgiving weekend seems a distant memory now.

I attempted condensed milk toast with my girlfriends this evening. We started out with all-you-can-eat hot pot. My ribs are still creaking! Then we went to T&T (huge Chinese grocery store) and picked up milk toast and condensed milk. If you have never tried Taiwanese/HK-style condensed milk toast, go find yourself a reputable bubble tea place and indulge. It's like breakfast and dessert had a perfect baby. Anyway, it ended up being a long night but we had a good time and I haven't seen those two in ages. I wanted to talk to them about Vancouver but I couldn't find the right moment and didn't want to put a damper on the evening. I think I should probably talk to them separately. In person. Soon.

Anyway, I'm picking up keys to my septuagenarian friend's condo (parents are staying there for a couple of weeks), then hitting the gym and then Costco. Then hopefully lunch, camera research and a nap before birthday party in the evening. I'm already exhausted because of my stupid period so it's going to be a long day. My bed is calling out for me. Sleeeeep!

I feel good

But I didn't know that I would. Duh na na na na na nah! Sorry Mr James Brown :)

Really, this coming home from work and not doing anything is really awesome! This evening, after I got home from belly dance class, I poured myself a glass of "milk" (it's actually that Oat Dream stuff that sucks) and thought, "huh, I don't have to do anything now!" Yeah, that was a pretty good feeling.

On Sunday, I went camera shopping with Piglet's dad and it was fun. Although my brain is now officially overwhelmed with apertures and f-stops and shutter speeds and ISO. I have got some learning to do. I'm leaning towards the D90 but haven't totally ruled out the T1i because it's smaller. I prefer having all the manual controls at my fingertips though which is why I'm willing to risk wrist strain (say that out loud three times) for convenience.

Now, I know there is at least one photographer reading this. Anyone care to weigh in? It's a graduation gift from my parents so I'm hoping that they will also spring for an 18-200 mm lens, a wideangle lens (yeah it's a lot to ask for) and accessories like a bag and a bigger SD card.

Is it Friday yet??

I am not loving this whole working 5 days a week thing. I handed my thesis in for binding today and I am thoroughly relieved about that. I also hate my job right now so I applied for a better one this morning, which coincidentally is in the same building as the graduate school. Completely unrelated though.

I have a few plans this weekend so that's nice. Nothing tomorrow night, but I have no doubt that will change. Or, if not, I can entertain myself at home by scrubbing floors and dusting and vacuuming. Saturday morning pilates and run. Saturday afternoon newspaper. Saturday evening drinks and dessert at a friend's place. Sunday afternoon D-SLR window-shopping (did I mention that my parents offered to buy me one as a graduation gift? Yay me :) with Piglet and parents. I haven't seen them for ages. Then I think I might be having dinner with A's parents on Sunday night. I hope so because I haven't seen them - or been fed by her mother - for some time.

Other than having to go to work every day, this thesis-free lifestyle suits me just fine.

Oh yeah, new guy update: he set off my gay-dar today when he was telling me about his great blue pin-striped suit. Douchebag's jealousy could very well be misplaced.

Defense T minus 11

Defense is on August 27 at 2 pm. I am starting to feel overwhelmed and stressed and anxious. Really, the thing that worries me most is the unpredictability of questions. Everything else will be okay provided I spend every spare second of every day between now and then preparing thoroughly. I have to finish my presentation before Thursday which is when I will be doing a run-through with my supervisors. Then I have another week to think of and prepare answers to questions. Basically, anything I wrote in 150+ pages is up for debate. I'm scared.

I took yesterday off to decompress with the other grad students. We had brunch at Watermark in the Harbourfront Centre and ended up at the beach at Ward Island which was actually not completely disgusting. We may go back in two weekends when we're done with our defenses. In the evening, we ordered pizza and had a drink and bitched and moaned and complained about school and thesis supervisors. It was fun and I might even miss these girls when we're done. I probably won't see them again after convocation.

Meanwhile, Grey went here last night. http://www.wickedclub.com/

I don't know how much more of his crap I can take. I know that I have been saying that for the last year and a half but I'm starting to feel used and abused. Underappreciated and taken advantage of. It's wearing me down slowly. Well, maybe when the thesis is over, I will welcome the drama back into my life.

Speaking of drama, MFV might come visit at the end of September on his way to Morocco. While I want to go with him to Morocco, I'm not sure if our friendship can stand this test of real life exposure. I haven't seen him in 3 years. I don't know if he knows what he wants from me but I'm tired of guys flip flopping between wanting to be with me and not wanting to be with me. Don't I deserve to be with a man who knows what he wants? I guess I will wait to worry about him until I see a flight number.

Also, that place I didn't make an offer on? It sold for more than $30K above asking. It appears I can't actually afford to buy the type of place I want in this godforsaken city. It has been a bad news day all around.

Grey is strange

I had dinner yesterday in Maple with Grey, his former admin assistant who is on mat leave, her husband and their two kids in their giant house with 4 bedrooms. She is a ducking phenomenal cook so it was totally worth it. Hamburgers from scratch to die for, mashed potatoes with sweet potatoes and his mother makes dried sausages from scratch as well. Nothing I ate last night was not excellent.

And it was so cute and cozy and domestic with the kids. I helped their 4-year old daughter, play with her Playdough which was totally fun once she warmed up to me. And their 3 month old... well, who doesn't love 3 month old babies with BIG.BLUE.EYES who giggle at you?

So, we're sitting around and Grey is saying how adorable they are and how they have this beautiful house and stuff. Then he says, "I want one". So I say, "what? a huge house?" And he says, "no, a kid". So I said, "well don't look at me!" Everyone laughed and Martha said that she keeps telling Grey he should just marry me. I almost ran out of the house screaming. Could you imagine? Me and Grey trapped in a huge house in Maple with kids. Holy mother of God. It's a good thing I was two glasses of red wine in by then.

Anyway, we left at 11 because he supposedly had another date. Which he told me about before he invited me to dinner with them so that was fine. Martha rolled her eyes at him when he said it before we left and asked me why I put up with his crap. That may be one of the great mysteries of the Universe. Like subatomic particles and the dimensions of time.

But this is when it started to get weird. He held my hand in the car. He hates holding my hand unless we're sleeping. There was one time I tried to hold his hand in public and he yelled at me. Weirdo nutjob. And then, when I got out of the car and said, "so call me if she doesn't put out" (I was trying to be funny and it worked), he said, "well don't go thinking now that if I don't call you I'm having sex with someone else". Weird right? Why would he tell me he is going to meet someone else and then worry about what I think he's doing? It makes no sense to me.

Boys are strange.

Must practice lying

A couple of funny things happened tonight while I was hanging with the septuagenarian crew that I just have to blog about.

First: Indian alcohol advice.

Whiskey then beer: in the clear,
Beer then whiskey: very risky.

Second: I really must practice lying.

The folks etc were hanging out talking and shooting the shit when they got to talking about experimenting with drugs. I was quietly minding my business reading my thesis on the couch when my "aunt" (who is very cool and a wonderful person) turns to me and says, "Ms B, have you ever tried marijuana?"

Holy duck, I almost had an aneurysm! Normally I would not have lied to her but in front of my parents!

So I said, "no! And even if I had, I would lie in front of my parents!"

Frig. I'm not sure my parents were convinced and I couldn't even look at my dad after that for a while. Mind you, he didn't look at me either so I wonder what he has been up to.

Must practice my poker face!

My first husband

I left the dog with the other wheatens today and went with my friend to have dinner with her brother and his girlfriend at Fionn McCool's on the Esplanade. While there, my friend struck up a conversation with an Irish man at the next table. At the end of the night, just as we were leaving to get the dogs, he announced to his table of friends that I was his second wife. I just didn't know it yet. It was funny. He is a 54 year old detective in the "interesting" and busiest part of Toronto. I have nothing in common with him. In fact, my friend and he had much more in common: a love of Irish history, music and trivia. But it was nice to have an older man tell me that I am lovely :)

More puppy crap

We walked and played a lot today. Slinky came by to play too. We went to the park and threw the ball around and almost played with the other dogs. There were a lot more dogs today than there were yesterday. And then we walked to the grocery store and Slinky bought dinner and then we came home and she cooked me dinner! It was great. Puppy is finally tired so I think I'm doing something right. Although he has been very poopy the last couple of days. I'm not sure if it's all the twigs he has been chewing on in the park. Even when I throw his ball, he goes running for it but then finds a branch and pounces on that instead. At least he's having fun. I feel bad that he's so matted and dirty. I'm tempted to take him to the groomer so that we don't have to deal with his scruffiness and smelliness for the next three days. But that stuff is not cheap. Anyway, it's so great to see big good looking men with cute little dogs. There was one guy with a tiny little boxer puppy. Man, was she ever cute. She had his eyes :)

Happy Sunday

So, despite GH's request for a recap of my Saturday with Grey, I have decided not to share the lurid details. After all, is there any reason for it? We went for dim sum. We went for a ride on his Ducati. Really, really fast. But I trust him (yeah, I'm stupid, I get that) and I wasn't worried. We went back to his place and watched a movie. Frost/Nixon. And stuff. He was fine, mostly. And then he drove me home. I don't expect a phone call or anything. Ever.

I had a good Sunday as well. I went over to A's parents house for lunch instead of dinner and then spent the afternoon thesising. It was fairly productive and I got to May 6, 2008 in my lab book. I'm writing the methodology section by reading through my lab book from beginning to end. I hope to submit it it on Thursday afternoon or Friday. I hope. Not sure that it's possible but I am going to try.

Then I had dinner at a friend's place and met one of her new friends and it was nice. Right now, I'm going to lie on the couch with my last brownie and be a vegetable for a bit. Maybe a zucchini. Or a squash. Tomorrow I'm going to leave work at 5, come home and bake another tray of brownies, put on my thesis shoes and keep reading through my lab book. I'm actually thinking about taking a day off work this week but I'm not sure that's a good idea. It's tempting fate to take a sick day when you're not actually sick, right? Right.

Big kids

Tonight was better. He met me after yoga (I went to yoga, not him) for sushi at Crispy Roll on Queen Street. I set him straight about screwing with me at work. Ooh, that came out wrong. I made it known that I don't want him joking around about us dating at the office. Even if he thinks nobody else can hear. I have enough trouble getting people to take me seriously without office gossip. I think he understands that he cannot screw this up because I won't take it lightly if he ruins my professional relationships with other people on the project. He's a big goofy kid but I think it might be good for me to be less anal-retentive uptight control freak bitch all the time. He was saying how he is the responsible parent and that actually makes me feel better. Somehow.

After dinner we went back to his place to make oatmeal fudge bars. The guy does not have mixing bowls or wine glasses but he has grown up cereal bowls. His mother made him get them. I don't have grown up bowls or dishes or glasses or cups. My dishes are Corelle from Smeller's (I think that's KMart for you Americans), cups are a mish mash of gifts over the years and, instead of glasses, I have those crazy multi-coloured IKEA cups. I guess he's not the only big kid.

Anyway, while the oatmeal fudge bars were cooling, we lay on the couch and talked about stuff. It was nice. And comforting. I am starting to understand him and I think he is sincere in his overwhelmingness. I will just have to be careful for the both of us and make sure we don't rush into anything crazy.

Break

I'm feeling marginally better today. I was pretty exhausted yesterday and I needed a mental break from all of the office politics and fan-shit.

I just wish that I could reach out and ask someone for a hug. Or something. The worst part of being alone is that nobody in the world knows how much I am faking being okay.

Yesterday evening, I went to a Raptors Schmaptors game with my friend J. He is a good friend. There has never been anything more than friendship between us. I can talk to him and not worry about pretending to be someone different. But, more importantly, I can just sit and hang out with him without talking and that's just as okay as when we are talking. It was nice to just go to the game and watch it and only talk some of the time.

It was also somewhat comforting to know that he and his wife are not happily married in newlywed bliss. She doesn't work because he makes loads of money. They just bought a huge new house but she had no concept of a budget. The market is crap right now so they're not going to get what they expected for his condo. He seemed a bit stressed about the whole situation. It's not that I'm looking to replace her but I consider it validation of our friendship that he suggested she go to a movie with a friend while he was at the game with me. It was nice to feel like somebody wanted my company. Especially because I thought he would just disappear from my life post-wedding. Plus, the Raps won! Who knew they could do that??

It was also just nice to sit and watch the game with a man. There, I said it. It's so anti-feminist but it was comfortable.

Awesome Friday night

My friend in the painted pink dress made me go out tonight. First we went shopping for a bed. Then we went to Little India for dinner. And after that, we went clubbing. It's going to hurt in the morning but we had a ridiculously good time. We got picked up by two Italian guys named Mario and Giovanni. They were so stereotypically Italian that it was outrageously funny. They had expensive suits and big chains and shirts unbuttoned halfway down to their stomachs. They were really good dancers, I will give them that, even with the wandering hands syndrome! They spent the entire night dancing with us and I have to confess that I had fun, even if I had to keep moving their hands away from my piercing! At the end of the night though, we had to ditch them or risk getting groped and fondled in their limo. I feel bad about giving away Mario's tie to one of the (really hot) bouncers but it was payment for letting us out the alternate exit. We jumped straight in a cab and came home. Giggling the entire way. I highly recommend going out with just one girlfriend to anyone who needs to just let loose and forget all their troubles. I can't believe how late it is! To bed, and to a Dirty Dancing matinee in 10 hours. Eep.

Size... what?

Wait, there was one other thing. I read Orange Bandage's post just now and remembered something that happened today. http://orangebandage.blogspot.com/2008/12/cant-sleep.html
I would have remembered in the morning. It's just the way my brain processes information.

I commented on her post today that I have body image issues. They're not serious but they're bad enough that I have been eating considerably less since I was called chubby in October. Rationally, I realize in my head that I'm not actually fat. Sure, I could lose 10 pounds and not be unhealthy. Whether I should or not, I can't say anymore. I would prefer to be 20 pounds lighter but I am slowly learning to accept that my body is okay. I have upper body strength which is important for a single girl living alone. I have breasts which I have become attached to. I have a perky ass which is important. And I have abs under the flab (mental note, do some pilates tomorrow). I'm told I am pretty and I can see that objectively I'm not hideous. I think I'm funny looking though. I wish I was a beautiful skinny girl with large boobs and a tiny waist and a perfect ass and long straight arms and legs. If only wishing would make it so.

Two things happened today.

Baby called me at work today and asked if she could borrow one of my dresses for her Christmas party. I laughed because a) I have like 2 dresses in my closet and b) she could fit into my clothes twice. Or so I thought. Granted, she's shorter than me but she fit into my university graduation dress perfectly. I really thought I was significantly bigger than her. She fit into a couple of other dresses really well too. One that I haven't worn since 2002 and another that I haven't worn since high school. Not because they don't fit. But they're a little dated and I never wear floor length dresses. Anyway, clearly I was wrong about our respective sizes.

My friend in the painted pink dress tried on a pair of jeans today. Size 6 Boyfriend 77 antique wash jeans at American Eagle. I bought two pairs last week and dropped them off for hemming. When I tried them on at the seamstress, she said I looked like a size 2 or 4 and wanted to try them on herself. When she said the size 4 was too small but the size 6 fit perfectly, I almost fell over. I have always thought that she was much, much tinier than me. Granted, she's several inches taller so she is proportionately smaller. But I thought she was actually smaller around than me. She always looks amazing in dresses whereas I think I have a kangaroo pouch. I have been jealous of her for years.

I'm not sure what to do with this information just yet. I'm tired and my brain needs time to process it. It might be the beginning of a breakthrough. I'm not entirely sure yet. But I think I can make some body image progress with it. Slowly. Very slowly.