Tropical Hawaiian Mist

I had a martini on Friday night at Marlowe's that was delicious. Vanilla stoli, malibu rum, lemon juice, pineapple juice and a shot of cassis.

Tears

The tears arrived. Suddenly. Without warning. I was thinking about a friend. An old friend. J, actually. I don't know why I'm crying. I had dinner with him today. And it was like it always was. Well, except that it wasn't just the two of us. We were out with the rest of the Usual Suspects.

There are two perfectly round tear drops on my desk. And one on the end of my nose that's about to fall off. Who knows where it will land?

Numb

I logged in to blog and realized I had no words. So I logged out. Then I realized I'm numb. I feel like I'm suspended in time and space. Like everything else is swirling around me but I am motionless. Nothing touches me. Even the usual exquisite agony of missing Grey seems to be dulled. Is this my heart healing itself? Or is my body just so exhausted that my mind is shutting down? I'm going to lie on the floor in the living room. In the dark. With Usher and Young Jeezy singing some meaningless song about Love in this Club.

It didn't work. I thought about some of the moments in all of my meaningful relationships. I almost felt something a few times but it passed and the feelings evapourated. I'm probably just numb because I had a cigarette while I was driving home from dinner and it has killed everything inside. Temporarily. I should probably go to sleep while it lasts. Maybe there won't be any tears tonight.

Ogling at the gym

My life has officially become boring.

I skipped my run today because I forgot my mp3 player at home. So I was in the locker room a little early this week and was met by a disturbing sight. There was an older Asian lady in the change room and she was stark naked except for a towel on her head. She spent at least 10 minutes looking in the mirror doing various things. God help me, I couldn't help glancing over occasionally as she stood there primping trying to figure out what the hell was taking her so long. My final glance was somewhat longer as I shamelessly and curiously ogled her. Her body looked a bit like mine. Saggy in all the old places. Cellulite and dimples clearly visible in profile. Belly protruding and shoulders slightly stooped. A large puff of black hair poking out from her pubic area. She was flossing. Naked! Flossing!! In the change room!!! Ew, so nasty. Grey's response to my text message was even nastier. I knew he was that guy but it made me laugh. Ick. I'm shaking my head at the whole thing.

Alone again

Tonight is the first time I have cried about Grey for a couple of weeks. Mostly because I spent the last two weeks being totally exhausted. A puppy is a huge responsibility. I'm glad to have my single commitment-free, responsibility-free life back. And it's an additional relief that I don't have to be out pooping-and-scooping in this crap weather. I do miss the way Charlie would lick my wrists when I was putting on his collar. And when I would sit on the floor and he'd put his paws on my shoulders and lick my earlobes. I miss his lovable cuteness. I even miss his spazzy insane puppy skirmishes across the living room floor a little bit. But my life is better without a dog. For now, anyway. When I'm ready, I'll know.

As for Grey, I still miss him a lot. I don't think about him all the time anymore. That's a good thing because I'm getting a lot more work done at school. And I'm finally back in a place that I'm happy living alone. Sleeping alone. Not sharing a bathroom. I'm even seriously wondering if I will ever get married. I have no desire to have children. I can't even handle the responsibility of a baby animal let alone a baby human! So why do I need a partner? There's no really good reason to be in a relationship right now. Or perhaps ever. Strangely, that doesn't make me feel lonely.