Sleepless

I slept all day today. Could not drag myself out of bed in the morning. Was almost late for yoga but miraculously showered and ate breakfast and picked up my yoga mat from the lab and still arrived a bit early. Then I came home and did nothing. Was reading on the couch after lunch and basically passed out. Didn't wake up til 6 pm when I realized I didn't know if my passport was valid. Leapt up, heart pounding to check. Only after making sure it was valid, realized that I don't need a passport to go to Windsor, Ontario. God, I'm stupid.

I wanted to do some real work today and didn't. Instead I watched several hours of recorded TV. Friends re-runs, 2.5 Men re-runs. Little Mosque on the Prairie and Sofie. The Daily Show for the whole week. I'm sure tomorrow will be very painful. Not least because I plan to be at work by 10 am and it's after 2 am now. I am starting to wonder if it's worth fighting sleep during the day. Perhaps I should just sleep when my body tells me to and suffer through the rest. I still think something is wrong but I can't figure it out. Maybe that makes me stupid. Perhaps I should start keeping a sleep journal.

Reasons not to have sex with Grey

I am slowly crafting a Valentine to Grey. I will not call him or email him until I send the card. And probably not after that either, especially if he doesn't respond. Not that I expect a response. I just feel an overwhelming need to tell him that I'm in love with him.

I also feel the need to make a list of reasons not to have sex with him.

Other than the obvious reasons...
1. I can no longer expect him to be monogamous.
2. It will probably be painful for me.
3. If it sucks, I will end up feeling like shit.
4. If it's great, I will probably still end up feeling like shit. It will just take longer.
5. I will set myself back and it will be worse than the first time around. And the second.
6. I will feel obligated to leave afterwards. When what I really want is to wake up with him, have him cook breakfast, then smoke a j and watch a movie on his couch.
7. I don't think it's a "one last time" thing for me. But it might be for him. And that would break my heart all over again.
8. The rules are that I have to pretend not to want it, right?
9. I don't want to lose him forever. And it's easier to be friends without the sex, right?
10. If I cave in and agree to this, I will have to drive over there, get a visitor's parking pass, walk to the elevator and ride up 20 floors with him. In that time, I am likely to get nervous and behave neurotically, if I don't actually freak out completely and bolt.

Why do I still want to have sex with him?

One fish, two fish, pink fish, blue... Me

I originally wrote this for my old (not anonymous blog) on January 25, 2007 and thought it might be time to resurrect it.

For the last two weeks, I have done very little except catch up on someone else's life. She's like me but waaaay cooler. I'm all up to date now and ready to share this list I somehow ended up creating. At first, I thought "wow, we're a lot similar" but then I realised that we're both just girls that like pink, like every other girl out there. But here's the list anyway. If nothing else, it will motivate you to find out more about her.

Bizarre similarities between Fish and myself:
"A social creature who values her alone time -- alone and lonely, rarely being the same thing."
Not so good with scary movies
Diet Coke and nightmares
Former bicycle (un)friendship with J (X, for me)
Age (too tired to do math after pirates class)
Beingwrongaphobia
"Funny is the thinking girls aphrodisiac"
Little Mermaid syndrome
Subway face (or "Don't mess with the Toronto girl" face)
Not good with money woes (good with money, yes)
Dislikes being yelled at (although am a good yeller myself)
Believes in God and karma and yoga
Closet organized by colour
Lists organized by priority and by cost
Grammar
The feeling of music
Clear band aids and stable weather forecasts
Solar powered


Other not-so-bizarre but still surprisingly numerous similarities
A little bit crazy
Bad decision after bad decision
Heavy duty security measures
Fairy tale endings: "what the fuck"
Works too hard to fill the void
Eats too much to fill the void
Shops too much to fill the void
Cat-like snoozes... snooze... snooze... snooze
Shoes (especially boots)
Wax
Relationship with extra poundage
Baking
Cooking for one
Nyquil hallucinations
Skin crawling off body
Jeopardy know-it-all-ness
An Inconvenient Truth
Pink
Sweet Valley Twins and Nancy Drew
Sheets
Mmmm Luke
"nothing sexier than know-how"
Cold feet
Kettles and tea
Keeps all the love letters

Some extremely noteworthy differences
Rain (but that's just me)
Plants
Hair (it's going away soon!)
Thongs (sorry guys)
Rose (call it blush, it's still gross)
Baths (because I don't have a bicycle to fix my shower head)

Now go read her blog
http://thisfish.ivillage.com/love/

Did okay on a couple of tests...

You never can tell when it's going to be a good day. Last night I cried for an hour when I went to bed. So I got up again and had a pretty intense MSN conversation with a naive virgin friend (male, thirty-something) who was trying to convince me that positive thoughts will help me find love. Snort.

I slept for most of today and then I finally worked up the nerve to see Juno alone. But then, just as I was leaving the house, I phoned Grey. Much to my surprise, he agreed to come. The movie was excellent and we had a good time. The conversation on the way home got a little out of hand but I declined to have sex with him. I feel a bit guilty although I know I made the right decision. I really do want to have sex with him but I know I would just hurt afterwards. And to be honest, I'm tired of crying. But I am having some crazy sexual dreams about him. Perhaps I came off as a bit of a tease? Anyway, I just sent an email apology. I fully expect he will ignore it. I plan to ignore him for 10 days and then ask him to the office shindig in February. If he can't go, I'll give up the tickets. They're free anyway.

I came home after the movie and watched Test the Nation. I did surprisingly well considering I spent most of this century hiding under a rock in Northern BC or hiding under journal articles in Toronto.

45/60 makes me a Worldwide Wonder, apparently.

My individual scores were:
Pop couture 5/6
Earth and Beyond 3/6
Rich and Infamous 4/4
Technobabble 3/5
Poli-sci-fi 4/5
Lightning Round 5/6
So Scandalous 3/5
World at Large 4/6
Body Politik 4/6
Say What 4/5
Indulge Me 6/6

Looks like I'm great at procrastination and celebrity shenanigans. Crap at planetary things though. Perhaps the key is to know a little about some things because knowing too much makes you overthink. Overall not the usual horrifying Sunday night.

Imploding

I can't remember the last time I fell asleep without crying. I stay up til 2 or 3 am just waiting for complete exhaustion to set in and then collapse into bed. But it doesn't always work. Last night, there were only a few tears. All the nights have blurred into each other. I'm no longer painfully conscious of just how long it has been. It's just one long miserable fog.

I can't function. I can't get any work done. I can't get my head into it. I can't plan or prioritize. I'm a walking mess.

I don't even want to eat anymore. If I could get away with not eating, I would stop completely. But usually I just wait until my stomach is eating itself and then cram myself full of junk. This afternoon it was three glasses of lactose-free chocolate milk and jalapeno cheddar Doritos. Followed by marshmallows and cheddar cheese Bugles. A can of ginger ale. There was some dinner in there. Wonton soup and noodles. Then a couple of chocolate-dipped cookies and half a glass of Noel Nog. I dumped the other half all over the floor.

I'm up to date on House now. That filled the hole for a couple of weeks so I'm not sure what I'll do now. Just watch regular TV, I guess. I have lots of old movies I could watch. But I have no interest in life anymore. I just get up and do the minimum. Less than the minimum, if I'm being honest. I went to class today without having done the readings. Hell, I hadn't even printed them all out.

I'm going to bed now. I accept that I'll end up crying and puffy eyed and exhausted in the morning. At least I haven't had a cigarette in 8 days.