Yakkety yak, don't talk back?

I sent this email to A earlier in the day. She emailed me venting that her current romantic interest is a bit stoic and she worries he can't be there for her emotionally.

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Well, only you can decide what, or who, is best for you. You might have to accept though that you won't find a man while you're living in the UK who is able to be there emotionally for you. The Brits just aren't like that. I'm sure you've said the same of [her British aunt] right? (Insert [our mutual friend's] voice here telling you to move back). I'm not sure that North American men are that much better though.

I've thought for some time now that women have too high expectations of men. I really don't believe that it's possible for a man to be everything to a woman, especially the emotional support that we need daily. That's what girlfriends are for. I think that, once you accept that, it's much easier to give guys (not just boyfriends but all men friends in general) a break for not being able to articulate themselves about everything the way we do.

When I think about the one or two women I know who are truly happy in their relationships, I realize it's because they don't have unrealistic expectations of their husbands to be the sole person in their lives from whom they derive all levels of support - physical, emotional and spiritual. I always use Mrs Happy as a good example. She and Mr Happy hang out, they're friends, they're comfortable with each other and they don't fight. He cooks and cleans and does the dishes. He shovels snow and cleans the car and drives her around places. He's there for her when she has family responsibilities. He basically does just about anything she asks but is never a doormat. The one thing though that has always struck me about them is this: Mrs Happy doesn't sit around and chat to Mr Happy about everything the way she does with me and Baby. In fact, when we do that, Mr Happy usually leaves the room. Men aren't programmed evolutionarily for that type of interaction. I have stopped expecting it from just about all men.

There's a way to have a conversation with a guy friend about "chick" stuff that doesn't leave them feeling completely overwhelmed and I find those types of interactions satisfying in a different way. It's a way to "vent" about stuff without getting worked up or upset. It's not as cathartic as talking to girlfriends but it usually gives me a different - more realistic - perspective on the situation. I never get the same type of support from J or My Married Friend or any of my guy friends that I do from you or Baby or Mrs Happy . So why would I expect it from a boyfriend?

I can talk to C le V for an hour about random stuff and he does make me laugh but I'm not going to waste that hour talking about my feelings unless they pertain directly to the way he made me feel. I always call you or Baby if I need to talk about feelings crap before I talk to C le V. Maybe that means I have settled but I'm okay with that. I don't expect him to know how to make me feel better by saying the right thing at the right time. I'm starting to think that's an unreasonable expectation to have of any man. That's what my girlfriends are for.

I really think you should read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. The first chapter alone is worth spending the half hour to understand how men's brains work (or don't, as the case may be!)

Anyway, I'm actually going back to bed. I've been up for an hour working but I'm freezing and still not feeling 100%. I'm going back to bed for a bit in the hope that I will be more productive mid morning.

Talk tomorrow?

Me

Silly

Can I take a moment here to write something sappy? After all that Grey crap, I feel I deserve at least one blog entry like this. In advance of aforementioned mopey blog entries.

Text messages between C le V and moi:

Moi: I wish you were just a little bit closer.
C le V: Takes two steps SW ... This better?

Sigh. Is he cute or am I just retarded?

Mucus monster

My sinuses (sinii?) are pounding so I am going to write quickly and then spend the rest of the evening horizontal on the couch.

I overmedicated myself (mmmm ibuprofen!) today because I had a superimportantclientmeeting this afternoon. It was well worth it because the meeting went well - nobody asked me any questions and I didn't hork green boogers over everyone - but now the meds (lotsa Advil Cold & Sinus and corticosteroid nasal spray) are definitely wearing off. My sinii are reminding me they're still alive and kicking my brains out with a vengeance.

It's weird. Usually when I get these sinus problems, the drugs dry up my phlegm no problem but this time it's been hanging out between my nose and my throat making it very difficult to speak, breathe or eat. Probably the same reason I haven't been sleeping. Ugh. My ears are plugged too.

It doesn't seem fair. I was sick when I was in India and I had tonsillitis for the entire month of August. How can I be sick again? Is it possible to have my sinii removed, do you think?

Ugh. Wait, I already said that. Okay, off to the couch. I think I had something else to say but it's gone in the snot-induced murkiness surrounding my brain.

What? - Epilogue

This morning, he emailed asking me to never speak to him again. I think I will take his advice. I'm taking a friend to the work party thing on Saturday night. At least I won't have to walk on eggshells and worry about being embarrassed. Hell, my coworkers can even assume I'm a lesbian for that matter. The way she looks. I'm taking my friend in the painted pink dress. It's been a while since I wrote about her but she came through for me before. When B dumped me before Cirque du Soleil. It was her first show and she loved it. She's a great date actually.

I just talked to C le V. Whenever I talk to him, I wonder where the hour went. It just disappears some times. I'm in danger of really getting attached to this guy. He is so sweet and thoughtful and funny. I wish he was here. I'm going to miss him a lot when he goes on vacation in February. Expect to read a lot of mopey lonely blog entries.

Anyway, I have to go to bed before the Neo Citran induced coma takes me down. I had a really great day today. Two highlights: I was asked to manage a big project at work and it will take me to the client's office four to five days a week. That changes my moving plans but I'm thrilled to have the opportunity. Big meeting on Wednesday so hopefully I don't have a raging fever.

Also, I texted my favourite dj on Flow 93.5 this evening on the drive home from work. "Who's my daddy? Scratch is my daddy!" and they aired it! I even got a text back from DVo Brown: "hilarious!". Totally made my day complete.

What? - Grand Finale

(Disclaimer: NSFW along with most things on this blog!)

I'm very close. Very close. Teetering on the edge even. I have resolved to be honest on my blog because I am too ashamed of him and of myself to be honest with my girlfriends. And I don't often feel that way.

On Saturday night, I had bubble tea with the girls and their husbands. Usually when I go for bubble tea I order a large and then say "ugh, too many bubbles! Why do I always do this to myself? Moan." But this weekend, I ordered a small. It took a supreme effort of self-discipline but I did it and didn't regret the small at all. Yay me. I think I might be learning something. Slowly.

Today, I spent the day with Grey. We didn't talk. We didn't really do much. We went for dim sum and I got upset because, when I complained about working from home on weekends, he said I only work one day a week in a voice full of contempt, scorn and disdain. I got angry. I actually got teary eyed when we were waiting for our table and had to escape to the ladies room for a minute. I spoke up enough that he finally claimed to see the error of his ways and apologized. Then, of course, we didn't talk at dim sum. We waited almost an hour to get my car washed and, instead of trying to talk to me then, he kept trying to shove his hand up my skirt. Repeatedly. He even unzipped his pants and pulled out his penis at one point. Yeah, that's right. I almost kicked him out of the car.

Then we went to the drugstore to get him something to help him sleep. By the time we were at his place, his buddy had phoned and was right behind us. The three of us ended up sitting on the couch watching the Superbowl and eating pizza. Grey trash talked me a lot tonight. Some of it was truly appalling. Maybe it was just part of guy's Superbowl night but I have trouble believing that his buddy would say the same stuff to the girl he is currently seeing. We all laughed it off as part of the macho funny guy act but I am hurt and unimpressed. I sent Grey an email when I got home because I was too embarrassed/scared/awkward/worried about making his friend feel awkward to say something at the time. And I knew that if I didn't send him an email tonight, it would go into the vault of things he wouldn't remember but I can't let go.

Re AshleyMadison.com: Grey was saying he should go on that site but he's not married. I told him that if he was going to sign up for a website that facilitates affairs, he might as well lie about being in a relationship. I mean, that's hardly a stretch, right? He said, "yeah good point. I should say my girlfriend is a tall, hot, 5'10" blonde..." Suffice it to say I am none of those things. I looked askance at him and he said that his brain is often way behind his mouth and some of the stuff that comes out makes no sense. Oh, it makes plenty of sense.

His buddy was considering spending $500 on a winter coat for the new girlfriend: Grey said that he would never spend that much on me. His buddy just shook his head. I said "yeah, but we're not dating".

He also said the following two things. I think the context is irrelevant:

1. I won't fuck you hard if you don't finish your dinner.
2. I should bitchslap you with my cock.

My response to the first was to push away my dinner plate. My response to the second was "you could try but it won't reach". I couldn't believe he said that to me. In front of his buddy.

Eventually his buddy left. I thought we would talk. Stupid me. He just wanted to have sex.

When I left, he hugged me and asked if we could do it again some time after he got a good night's sleep. I said "whatever, I won't wait forever". But actually, I think I might be done with him. I think that it has finally started to sink in that I'm better off without him. I can be remarkably intelligent about everything else in my life. In fact, in general I pride myself on my rapid brain speed. But this... why has this taken so long? Did I require some sort of external boost to my self-esteem to figure this out?

I couldn't wait to get home to talk to C le V tonight. He could tell something was off but I told him that I didn't want to talk about it because it was unimportant, irrelevant and would be bad karma for us. It would be so great if we somehow end up together. I miss him. I hope that I'm good enough for him.