Man help

Ugh, what is wrong with me? I have alternately been second guessing myself and grinning inanely all day. How can one person, one man, have such a complex, brain melting effect on me? Augh. On the one hand, I know I am over thinking it and I should stop. On the other hand, what if he's such a nice guy that he's just being polite and I am mistaking it for interest because I haven't been around nice guys in... oh 31 years? Or, what if he was interested yesterday but changed his mind this morning? I should not be so excited. I should be calm and cool and detached and zen. But when he smiles at me, it feels like there is nobody else left in the world. I found myself looking at his lips last night wondering what it would be like to kiss them. I never do that! Ever! I totally have crush on this guy. An unmanageable, mind bogglingly, silly school-girl, grin-like-an-idiot-at-total-strangers-in-the-mall-because-I-was-thinking-about-him crush. Argh.

Meanwhile, I had a complete meltdown in the evening because I couldn't get the damned faucet off the sink and called Grey. First I called Baby but she didn't seem too sympathetic. Bride brain, I guess. Then I called him and he made fun of me and I freaked out. When I almost hung up on him, he said "easy tiger, I'm leaving work and will be there in half an hour". He came upstairs, immediately went to work with my tools, took off the faucet (I felt less stupid that it took him a while to loosen the screws and everything) and then proceeded to hug me and joke around with me until I stopped crying and berating myself for being less than entirely independent. I let him work his magic and it felt good to have him work so hard to make me smile. He didn't even seem to mind that I turned him down for sex. I hate being alone because I hate asking for help and he made me feel better. For that, I appreciate him.

Honestly though, I really want to believe there is something better out there for me than him and this, our fucked up "relationship". Preferably with The Crush I mentioned in the first paragraph. I would really like to have someone, not just anyone, but someone like The Crush, in my life. Not to fix my faucets but to come over and hug me until the tears go away. If there is no-one else for me except Grey, the next 50 years are going to be pretty solitary.

Happy Monday

I don't really have time to post right now because I'm tired and need sleep but I am walking on a cloud and can't stop smiling. I had drinks with my friend who knows Grey and the guy from two Saturdays ago. Not the outrageously cute one who I am visiting in Montreal next weekend but the other one. The one who made the Universe stop spinning. I don't think that I imagined our "moment". He seems so great. Nice and funny and sweet and thoughtful. His smile is infectious. I can't even begin to describe the way it makes me feel. I am just glad I met him. Even if we are only friends, I will be happy with that. Is that crazy?

Eyeball deep in wedding spreadsheets

Shizzle got done today peeps. Mostly by me but a bit by Baby. She bought her bridesmaid gifts and her wedding necklace at the mall. She went to her marriage class. And I... I did lots and lots.

I created my master spreadsheet. Can I tell you what the tabs are? Pretty please? Okay fine, just skip to the bottom of the list!
My weekend task list
Tasks_6 days
Seating arrangement
Vendors
Wedding procession
Rehearsal dinner task list
Florist contract
Stuff to bring to wedding
Photography list
Table numbers (Chinese characters)
DJ playlist_ceremony
DJ playlist_events
DJ playlist_dancing
Schedule

I know, it's freakin' awesome. I can't wait to print the schedule out in colour at work on Monday. It's Friday night. Is that sad? Am I a sad, sad catless spinster woman? Because I'm very happy I got all this stuff done and I had a lot of fun doing it. Now I can really enjoy the bachelorette party tomorrow night. I'm starving. I think I need a food break. I know it's 2 am but I had two Pepsis today and I'm going to be awake for a couple more hours.

Okay I'm back.

I was thinking about this online dating thing. And GH's post about closure and not-knowing. I'm a big believer in not simply disappearing. It's not right. Not just because it's rude. It's callous and inconsiderate and cowardly. On Wednesday, after the horrendous date with the gay man, I received an email from him asking to see me again. I declined and I like to think I did so politely. I didn't give him an specific reasons, just that I didn't think we were right for each other and got the impression that he felt the same. I also didn't offer friendship as a consolation prize because he stated repeatedly that he was not interested in friendship. I did offer to be a rock climbing partner but I doubt I will hear from him again. I feel better for having actually sent him a rejection and not simply ignoring his email. I would have said the same thing if he had phoned and I thought the choice to email rather than phone was rather telling. Having received the same treatment only a week ago, I hope that this dating karma perpetuates itself through the Universe. You know, pay it forward. "It" being kindness, right?

I don't know why men disappear. Gay Tuesday night guy said that it's because rejection stings. I don't follow the logic. Was he suggesting that disappearing is better than asking for a follow up date because it's less scary to wonder what might have been than to take a chance on asking? I always assumed that men disappeared because they just weren't that into me. And I hate that most men can't just say goodbye politely with an "I just don't think this is right". I appreciate that kind of honesty. I believe that disappearing is the mark of a coward. So, while I'm better off without that man, it's frustrating to wait. Really, really frustrating.

As a corollary, I often find myself wondering what I did or said to merit such rudeness. I mean, I must be doing something heinous, no? No, okay, I admit, rationally I can understand that the reasons men disappear are probably not related to me as much as to their own peculiar brand of neuroses. Maybe I wear too much pink. Or my laugh is too manly. Or my boobs are too big. Or I'm too independent. I'm not vulnerable to perverted and predatory behaviour so they move on to the next unsuspecting victim. I don't know. Rationally, I understand with my brain that it probably wouldn't serve me well to know "WHY". And eventually, the "WHY" fades. It's less "what the hell happened to you?" and more "huh, the mysteries of the male psyche". Granted, it takes a very long time to get there. That's because my heart and my brain are apparently disconnected. They do seem to share the same body some of the time. But it's infrequent when it comes to dating and men.

Are you still on the crazy rambling train?

I haven't had much experience dating women who subsequently disappear. Actually, I've never dated a woman. But thinking about the reasons my girlfriends disappear, I hypothesize that women who exhibit the same behaviour are trying to fill a hole as well. A very different hole but it's a void nonetheless. My friends who exhibit this behaviour have low self-esteem and seek happiness in material, ephemeral pursuits. Like cute boys, new clothes, clubs and other trivial stuff. Nothing lasts long. The clothes are cheap, the clubs are boring and the boys are fluff. Needless to say, these girls don't stay friends with me for long. Rather, I don't stay friends with them. Then, when they come wheedling back because the latest cute boy has dumped them or their birthday is coming up and they want more stuff gifts, I screen. It's not hard. I'm usually very busy. Sometimes I feel like a bitch for being this way but I don't have the time or energy to deal with that sort of crap.

I wish I was as obstinate and no-nonsense with Grey. He said he would try to come by this weekend to help me with my faucet. He also said he would come to the bachelorette party but he changed his mind about that today. Sigh. I guess he won't be coming by to play Joe Plumber/Desperate Housewife any time soon. Why does he continue to have this effect on me? And can I really be open to someone "better" while I continue to feel this way about him? The feelings show no sign of abating almost one year after the "I'm not in love with you" fiasco. Is it possible to feel heartache for one and simultaneous heart palpitations for another? Or, in the words of the wise man, Heathcliff Huxtable, does that mean I have an extra heart? Am I destined to be in this solitary Grey limbo until he falls in love and gets married and has little Greys running around? I did, however, veto his request to meet my mother. Not even my friends meet my mom, let alone guys who booty call me at 2.42 am because they're wasted and want to show off to their newest friend/client/clubbing rat.

I know. I suck. At least I will always have colour-coded Excel wedding spreadsheets.

Frustraged

frustraged (adj): a sense of thwarted purpose causing fits of anger and leading to premature hair loss

I am getting really annoyed with my landlady. My bathroom faucet has been leaking for months so I have been shutting off the water under the sink when I'm not using it. With the really cold weather approaching, I'm getting tired of washing my hands in freezing cold water. I had bought a replacement faucet and was all prepared to phone the plumber. But she wants me to remove the existing faucet and take it to Home Depot to see if they will replace it. The problem is, I can't get it off the sink. I tried today but I can't figure it out. I can barely see anything because the sink is in the way. When I loosened one of the nuts, the pipes started dripping and I started to worry that I had actually made it worse because nothing else would give. I can't afford to have a leak. I'm rarely home and will be leaving for Montreal in a week. I think I will just call her tomorrow and tell her that I broke the pipes and now have a leak under the sink and am going out of town soon. Hopefully that will get her sufficiently alarmed that she will agree to let me just call the plumber and take care of it! Is that terrible? Sigh. I need a bicycle. I hate not being able to do absolutely everything myself and I have no-one to ask for help. The whole thing makes me so frustrated I could cry. Well, I am but I'm pretending not to.

Update: F*ck now I can't use the damn sink at all. I dismantled the drain and now I can't figure out how to get it back on. The pipes are dripping into the cabinet now. I put a bucket under there but I can't go to Montreal next weekend and leave it like that F*ckety f*ck.

Blarg

Pretending the bachelorette party isn't going to happen is not helping me figure out what to wear. I will be back momentarily. I also really have to pee.

So much for momentarily. I wish I was a tall, slender-muscled woman with larger-than-average breasts, a flat to concave stomach and a nice ass. Instead, I am short and more on the stout side than skinny. Fortunately, I was blessed with my dad's perky butt and not my mother's saggy one. There are only a handful of men on the planet that are aware of my breast size. And my doctor. I have good teeth and hair but people seem to take that for granted these days. Sigh. Enough of that. Wishing won't make it so.

The make up and photography trial was today. Make up was okay. Decent but not fabulous. Photographers are awesome. I'm looking forward to seeing the photos. If I still live in the province when they arrive! Is it wrong that I'm looking forward to getting the colour-coded spreadsheet from the photographer? I'm very behind on my own. Oh my God, it just arrived! So exciting! Must look at it before bed :)