Food poisoning sucks. Throwing up bites. It was coming out of both ends for a while there. Damn beef Shawarma. I'm very glad I have two bathrooms. I know it sounds ridiculously neurotic but I like having one toilet bowl to throw up in and the other to do everything else in! If my head is going to be next to ceramic, it better be bleached and sparkly until the moment I puke.
I called Grey and he delivered. Brought me everything I asked for in under an hour. White Wonder bread, Canada Dry ginger ale, President's Choice organic chicken broth. I almost called Denis but I thought, of the two that I want to keep, Grey is definitely it. But now I'm thinking that perhaps I should keep both and have a relationship with neither.
First though, a nap.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Jerk
Two weekends ago, A's boyfriend dumped her. Dumbass. He was a jerk about it too. Just snapped. Told her he had been miserable for the past two years. We're both wallowing in it a bit. I just finished a 2 hour phone call with her. The second of the day. Although, technically, there was one 2 hour phone call on Tuesday and one 2 hour phone call today. There were words coming to me about how another small piece my heart turns to stone with every increment of relationship failure. How, one day soon, my friends will look into my eyes and find a soul turned to granite. At least, it will no longer be tortured. But then the words dissipated and I fell asleep on the phone. It's just as well really. She was off to the gym. She's several time zones away. I miss her.
Monday morning blahs
Except it's not Monday. But I'm still feeling the Monday painful.
Grey called me this morning when I was driving back from my doctor's appointment. Surprising. Fortunately I do have to go to school today and can't just go hang out with him.
Last night, I noticed that Denis had edited and reposted his online profile. So I sent him an email for clarification and explaining that I just wouldn't be calling him ever again. His response was that he thought it was pretty clear that we didn't have a solid foundation to build on and that maybe if we were just friends I would be less critical of him. I don't think I want to be friends with him.
Dating is for dummies.
Grey called me this morning when I was driving back from my doctor's appointment. Surprising. Fortunately I do have to go to school today and can't just go hang out with him.
Last night, I noticed that Denis had edited and reposted his online profile. So I sent him an email for clarification and explaining that I just wouldn't be calling him ever again. His response was that he thought it was pretty clear that we didn't have a solid foundation to build on and that maybe if we were just friends I would be less critical of him. I don't think I want to be friends with him.
Dating is for dummies.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Art schmart fart tart bart cart dart part... wart?
Wow! Thanks to Alexandreena at http://alexandreena.blogspot.com/ for this award. This award originates from Arte y Pico.
GO! READ! NOW!
I was speechless for a little while hence the ridiculous title of this post. I'm tongue-in-cheek mocking myself but really I'm secretly pleased :)
The guidelines for this are as follows:
1) Choose 5 blogs that you consider deserving of this award based on creativity, design, interesting material, and overall contribution to the blogger community, regardless of the language.
2) Post the name of the author and a link to his or her blog by so everyone can view it.
3) Each award-winner has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award.
4) The award-winner and the presenter should post the link of the “Arte y pico” blog, so everyone will know the origin of this award.
5) Please post these rules.
And then it took me a while to comb through my entire blogroll but here it is:
CCE at http://www.madmarriage.com/blog/
BHJ at http://windinyourvagina.blogspot.com/
Charming at http://charmingbutsingle.com/
Fish at http://thisfish.ivillage.com/love/
Harlan at http://soveryalone.com/
3 days too long
I'm home. The smell of my apartment as I walked in the door was very comforting. I think I'm going to shower and then lie on the couch watching CSI for the rest of the night. It was an exhausting weekend. Exhausting because I'm no longer used to navigating the intricacies of a relationship. Exhausting because this particular relationship is unsustainable. Exhausting because it's hard work pretending that everything is fine.
There are so many things about Denis that I don't like:
1. His temper. His response to disagreement is to raise his voice and get in your face. So completely different from my own response.
2. His "passion". To me, his passion is just childish temper so I guess this would be part of the above. He gets so worked up about things over which he has no control but doesn't do anything to mediate his own response to those things. For example, on Friday night we had a huge argument over the top news story. Some guy murdered a kid on a Greyhound bus. Denis started spouting off his conspiracy theories about how the mainstream media is controlled by a select few people with an agenda... and to be honest, I'm not entirely sure what his point was. So I lost my temper and yelled back that I didn't appreciate him following me around the kitchen berating me about my opinion before I'd had a chance to fully articulate it. Then I cried. That's when I knew this thing would crash and burn. I think I need to be with someone who just knows to take a deep breath and turn the TV off.
3. He has to be right all the time. I have spent the last 10 years or more learning how to pick my battles. Before, it was more important that X knew I was right than to keep the peace. I learned from him that the truth is not the most important thing in a relationship. So while I spent the majority of the weekend biting my tongue, Denis kept saying things like "see, I told you so" and crowing when he thought I was conceding a point. That really wore me down.
4. His play fighting. Or whatever it really is. Maybe he just underestimates his own strength but he has a tendency to hurt me. Often. He'll pinch or bite or suck too hard. And not just during sex, which would be acceptable occasionally. But when I'm making a cup of tea in the kitchen. Or at the grocery store. When he grabbed my breast with his mouth while we were standing on the dock with his friends, I almost wanted to cry. I have talked to him about how inappropriate that is and how uncomfortable it makes me feel. I've asked him not to hurt me. But it seems to fall on deaf ears. He's like a large puppy that I can't control.
5. His poor listening skills. I'll say one thing and he seems to hear something else. Which is most frustrating when he's criticizing his friends for being fixated on what they're thinking and not listening to him. When his good friend said at lunch today "I don't want to talk about it anymore" and got up from the table, you'd think he would shut up. But no. He was like a bull in a china shop. Not until I said in the car that I was gritting my teeth to prevent myself from saying something I would regret but he was making it very hard for me did he stop talking. It was a very quiet ride home.
Perhaps these are character traits of a normal man but I'm not sure I want to be exposed to all that on an ongoing basis. While the sex and the cuddles and the food are good, the conversation seems to have deteriorated. The chronic also bothers me but I don't feel in a position to ask that he stop smoking it. Or even cut down. I lost count but I think he was up to 5 or 6 joints per day. Shared between friends. But still.
Probably the worst moment, though, was when he said "fuck you" to me when I called him sensitive. He was joking but it really stung.
Grey called on Friday night. It was late and we were getting ready for bed. It really threw me and I found myself thinking about him all weekend. I told him that sex was no longer an option and that I'm a one-man kind of woman. But I don't think he believes me. I'm not sure I believe myself either. He text messaged me again this afternoon while we were sitting in traffic. "Are you back in the city?" "2 hours" "Are we getting together?" "Traffic not good. Will call when I'm home". I had intended to tell him that having sex with him was not what I needed right now but he didn't ask me to come over. Instead he told me he was off this week and invited me to go paddle boarding. I said yes but we didn't decide on a time. I really don't want to see him or talk to him again but I can't bring myself to cut that cord.
I feel lost and confused.
There are so many things about Denis that I don't like:
1. His temper. His response to disagreement is to raise his voice and get in your face. So completely different from my own response.
2. His "passion". To me, his passion is just childish temper so I guess this would be part of the above. He gets so worked up about things over which he has no control but doesn't do anything to mediate his own response to those things. For example, on Friday night we had a huge argument over the top news story. Some guy murdered a kid on a Greyhound bus. Denis started spouting off his conspiracy theories about how the mainstream media is controlled by a select few people with an agenda... and to be honest, I'm not entirely sure what his point was. So I lost my temper and yelled back that I didn't appreciate him following me around the kitchen berating me about my opinion before I'd had a chance to fully articulate it. Then I cried. That's when I knew this thing would crash and burn. I think I need to be with someone who just knows to take a deep breath and turn the TV off.
3. He has to be right all the time. I have spent the last 10 years or more learning how to pick my battles. Before, it was more important that X knew I was right than to keep the peace. I learned from him that the truth is not the most important thing in a relationship. So while I spent the majority of the weekend biting my tongue, Denis kept saying things like "see, I told you so" and crowing when he thought I was conceding a point. That really wore me down.
4. His play fighting. Or whatever it really is. Maybe he just underestimates his own strength but he has a tendency to hurt me. Often. He'll pinch or bite or suck too hard. And not just during sex, which would be acceptable occasionally. But when I'm making a cup of tea in the kitchen. Or at the grocery store. When he grabbed my breast with his mouth while we were standing on the dock with his friends, I almost wanted to cry. I have talked to him about how inappropriate that is and how uncomfortable it makes me feel. I've asked him not to hurt me. But it seems to fall on deaf ears. He's like a large puppy that I can't control.
5. His poor listening skills. I'll say one thing and he seems to hear something else. Which is most frustrating when he's criticizing his friends for being fixated on what they're thinking and not listening to him. When his good friend said at lunch today "I don't want to talk about it anymore" and got up from the table, you'd think he would shut up. But no. He was like a bull in a china shop. Not until I said in the car that I was gritting my teeth to prevent myself from saying something I would regret but he was making it very hard for me did he stop talking. It was a very quiet ride home.
Perhaps these are character traits of a normal man but I'm not sure I want to be exposed to all that on an ongoing basis. While the sex and the cuddles and the food are good, the conversation seems to have deteriorated. The chronic also bothers me but I don't feel in a position to ask that he stop smoking it. Or even cut down. I lost count but I think he was up to 5 or 6 joints per day. Shared between friends. But still.
Probably the worst moment, though, was when he said "fuck you" to me when I called him sensitive. He was joking but it really stung.
Grey called on Friday night. It was late and we were getting ready for bed. It really threw me and I found myself thinking about him all weekend. I told him that sex was no longer an option and that I'm a one-man kind of woman. But I don't think he believes me. I'm not sure I believe myself either. He text messaged me again this afternoon while we were sitting in traffic. "Are you back in the city?" "2 hours" "Are we getting together?" "Traffic not good. Will call when I'm home". I had intended to tell him that having sex with him was not what I needed right now but he didn't ask me to come over. Instead he told me he was off this week and invited me to go paddle boarding. I said yes but we didn't decide on a time. I really don't want to see him or talk to him again but I can't bring myself to cut that cord.
I feel lost and confused.
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