Prologue

I was having lunch with an old friend in Soho (HK) today and I found out that the first guy I officially went on a date with is gay. Well, let's just say that I *officially* found out today that he has finally come out. I knew there was something horribly wrong when he held my hand at Toys 'R Us and it felt terrible. Or maybe it was McDonald's. That was a bright idea on the part of my then best friend. She just wanted me to come on a triple date with her and above-referenced lunch friend. Ugh, that entire afternoon still makes me shudder. I think I remember slow-dancing with him to Take My Breath Away at one of our school dances. That song always gives me the creeps but maybe now I will think back on it more fondly. I have added him to facebook so hopefully he doesn't hate me too much for being so repulsed by his attempts at affection. Poor guy. I should have been nicer to him. Perhaps my dating life since then has just been relationship karma for that fledgling experience. If only I had known then all the things I know now...

Ah well, lunch was fun and then I bought two pairs of shoes at Vickie's. Let me tell you, this might be my new favourite shoe store. They do custom shoes in 4 weeks. The styles and colours are fabulous and the prices are totally inexpensive. I wish I had more time here so I could go back and place an order. Next time. Someone please remind me!

Random update

Conversation between me and the Manfriend:

Me: Does the fact that I still get excited to see you mean we are still in the honeymoon phase? I wonder if that will wear off eventually. Anyway, yay :)

MF: You’ll be sick of me soon. Don’t worry.

Me: Unlikely. It’s been 7 months and I still smile when I think about you. Sorry, mushy crap over. Must be baby Jesus’s fault! :)

MF: That’s it, blame Jebus. Heathen.

LOL.

I'm thinking of switching to Wordpress so I can blog from my iPhone. Thoughts?

Happy Canada Day!

Things are much improved in the last few days. Turns out I'm still completely neurotic. The living room is considerably less full of boxes. And I managed to install shelves in my closets, almost all by myself! I'm pretty proud of myself for doing that. Anyway, I still need a lot of furniture and to somehow install the blinds I bought at IKEA. I would like to continue purging but it's really hard to shed all the crap that collects over 30 odd years. I wish someone would come over and throw away random boxes when I wasn't looking. I'm talking to you, Seattle.

MFV is still being awkward and distant. As far as I'm concerned, that's officially over. As for the other, I was imagining things. This week has been good. Close, comfortable, filled with doggy love. His dog. His dog that jumps on my bed when we're napping on the couch and sheds all over it. Awesome. But he has such an adorable face that I can't say no. Both dog and owner. Fingers crossed it lasts a bit longer. Just a bit longer. That's all I'm asking for.

Homeowner

I'm back online. It turns out Bell can't provide me with internet service in my new building so I had to switch to Rogers. I finally set up my computer but the place is still a disaster. The living room is full of boxes and there's a lot of work to do. It turns out the work of a homeowner is never done. It's overwhelming and exhausting so I'm going back to bed for a nap. My coworker was supposed to get married today but dodged that bullet and is having a party to celebrate her singleness. It's going to be a long day. There's other stuff going on too. MFV moved here last weekend and I really don't want to see him or talk to him but I can't abandon him now. So much has happened in the last three months that I can't possibly begin to recap it all. It turns out we're totally incompatible as a couple. It's ironic how I can be sexually compatible with someone and not able communicate with him at all. Shades of Grey. Our communication really deteriorated in April and May and we haven't really spoken at all in June. He still thinks he can try but, the truth is, there is another. The other doesn't seem promising at the moment and the whole thing hurts my heart. At least I'm not homeless anymore.

I'm aware I have been MIA. I'm all kinds of miserable at the moment and I don't want to go into details. There isn't really a reason for the overwhelming misery. More like a coagulation of things which combine to make me wish I was at work all the time. And I'm not always happy when I'm there but it's hard to leave. I don't know why I can't just be happy. I like to think it will be easier when I finally close on my new place next weekend. But, for the moment, I sit on the streetcar fighting off tears and wearing my sunglasses at sunset. Like the batshit crazy old lady that I am.

I bought a condo

Conditions waive next week so I still have a lot of work to do... and buyer's remorse to experience. I'm tired. Very tired. But I have a great realtor. I heart him. I definitely could not have done this without him.

iPhone

I should have done this ages ago. I love it. I retract all the negative things I ever said about touchscreens. Whatever Apple is doing with the iPhone, they should keep doing it. I still don't find Macs very intuitive but it really is possible to be an iPhone PC girl :)

I hung out with my coworkers this evening and that was awesome too. If you ever get a chance to see a teeny-bopper band called the Calamities, it will be worth your money. The Late Shift is good too. Toronto Fire band Backdraft is good if you're looking for a late 80s Diet Pepsi commercial theme.

Meanwhile, MFV aced the San Fran interview and Toronto is tomorrow. Seattle is on Monday. Must spend weekend thinking of incentives for him to move here. Suggestions? NC-17 ideas only please...

Setback

I fired my realtor today. At least, I didn't *fire* him. I lied about my reasons for not seeing more places for the next couple of weeks. He has slipped a few times already and we have only been working together for 10 days. I don't intend to continue working with him. It's sorta like dating, I guess. I just want it to be over but I don't have the balls for the unpleasant honesty.

So there's a week gone in the quest to be not homeless. It feels like a setback but that's because I'm impatient and unhappy, unsettled and frustrated and lonely. I miss my shoes. And my bed. My pillow and sheets and kitchen utensils and did I already mention my shoes?

It's not really a setback though. I learned quite a few things. But I realize that I am officially a high-maintenance first-time home buyer. And I'm completely overwhelmed at the thought of doing this all on my own. MFV says I can talk to him but I can't. He's too busy at work to email me back and it's too late in the evening for us to have a reasonable conversation by the time he's home and has had dinner. I am tired and sad. I want him to move here so we can be together but I'm too scared to hope for that.

Fortunately work is an escape, though not having enough to do makes the time pass slowly. I think I have enough to do tomorrow that it should go by faster. And I think I'm going to get a new phone. I'm going to try out the iPhone for two weeks and if I can't handle the touch screen, the store manager will let me switch to the Blackberry. Many people tell me that I will never leave the iPhone once I get used to it. So I guess I have a date with my new iPhone tomorrow night. That, at least, feels like progress. I do need a new phone and, considering how much I am paying for just minutes now, I might as well get some fun stuff out of it.

Back to life, back to reality...

I know I haven't posted in a while. I sorry. The last week has been busy and stressful and lonely and good. I know I sound manic. I feel manic. Here are some highlights:

1. Started the new job. Week 1 was fine. I didn't really do any work but I'm okay with that. There was a lot of admin to do. Not to mention, I can't seem to shake this jetlag.

2. I miss MFV. This is hard. If only it had been a regular week for him but it wasn't. Half his company got laid off (the other half) this week and he has since started applying for other jobs. He has been besieged with headhunters which is great for his self-esteem. However, one job is in San Francisco, one is in Seattle (settle down there Seattle!) and one is here in Toronto. Should he choose one of the other two, I will probably not get out of bed for several days. I'm trying not to think about the job here because hope is a demon in my world and the dream of a life together in this city is too big a dream to lose.

3. I have been looking at condos. I can't afford anything. This sucks monkey balls. The one I really want and can afford is in an unregistered building. I know nothing about buying unregistered property. The other one I want a little bit is not in my price range and will likely sell for significantly more than the list price. Of course, I really want it but I'm pretending that I don't.

4. I keep trying to convince myself to be happy but it's not working. Someone please hit me over the head with a heavy object.

5. I can't decide between a Blackberry Bold 9700 and 16GB iPhone. I really want an Android phone (Google OS) with a BB interface (QWERTY keyboard and track pad) and fun little iPhone apps. I know, I'm too picky.

Ready

I'm ready. Ready to go back to work. Ready to buy a place. Ready to be a homeowner and make mortgage payments. Ready to pick out paint colours and buy furniture and tear my hair out trying to figure out how to replace carpet with laminate and how the hell baseboards work. I'm ready to get a dog and for MFV to move to Toronto and for us to live happily ever after. On balance, we have had a really great month together. Maybe part of the reason for that is because we knew that we might eventually not be together anymore. But I think a big reason is that we're right for each other. He still has a lot of growing to do. I have a bit of growing to do also. I really hope that we end up together but I accept that many things could change... or that nothing might change at all. Fingers crossed and eyes wide open. Better go to bed. 4 more sleeps until I get on a plane. He cried today. Sssshh, don't tell him I told you that!

Epiphany

Holy crap, I was just reading Love Cynicismand I just had an epiphany!

Relationships = Teamwork!

Damn. There's a lesson my parents didn't teach me.

Relationships

Relationships are strange things. I work hard and play hard and expect to savour the rewards of my efforts. But relationships don't work that way. It doesn't matter how hard you bust your ass. If you're with someone who is not also busting their ass.. well, then you're just a fool. You're also a fool if you date douchebags and think they're interesting and entertaining. I suppose I had to turn 30 to learn that lesson!

Anyway, I realize that my previous post made it seem as though I'm lonely in Vancouver but I really couldn't be happier. Yesterday, I spent a lovely, sunshiney afternoon on Granville Island. I met MFV for lunch, read a book on the dock, got a pistachio ice cream cone, shopped, met MFV for coffee and eventually wondered home for a late afternoon nap. Then I met one of my favourite girlfriends for dinner in Yaletown and she filled up my soul and left it overflowing for the next person. It was a really good day. It has been a really good few weeks. I needed the break. I needed to rest. I needed to reconnect with myself. I needed to enjoy myself. I have done all those things. This has maybe been the best few weeks of my post-grad student life.

The thing is, when you start a new relationship with your bestest friend in the whole world and you also happen to be living with that person, the slightest bit of distance or withdrawal doesn't go unnoticed. But because you're living with this person, even though you might be second-guessing everything he says, you can't deal with it the same way you normally would. You can't play hard to get or give him his space or wait for him to come to you. You have to continue with the things you have started doing every day. Like washing his cereal bowl and coffee mug. And doing the laundry and buying groceries for dinner and planning your weekend getaway. And spooning with him as he falls asleep. I'm not suggesting for a minute that I would rather be in the other situation - the one where I could retreat to my cave and wait for him to come get me - after all that has not worked out so well in the past for me! But it does present a slightly different challenge. Ah, the male ego...

I am still trying to figure out this little problem. How to be a gentle, caring, loving partner without smothering the poor guy. How to still be the fun BFF and not morph into my usual relationship neuroses monster. How to be okay with having sex even when I'm not feeling 100% connected and dealing with those feelings with the minimum of drama. It's tough. I haven't been in a real relationship for many years. Maybe I never was. I never really experienced any sort of emotional intimacy with X, even though he was my best friend. I have had plenty of physical intimacy in the last couple of years, thank you Grey. But we never connected on an emotional level, in fact very much the opposite with him pushing me away whenever I would start to get close.

This is different. Better. Much, much better. But strange new territory for me. He got mad at me the other night. It was a stupid, trivial argument. And while we have moved on, we haven't really dealt with it. I'm not sure what the issue is. Probably that I am a giant, raving, condescending beyotch. I should fix that.

However, it could also be temporary. If he doesn't find work in Toronto, we may never be together again after next weekend. I intend to make the most of the week we have left. He is my BFF after all.

Lonely

I'm homesick. My Twitter/facebook update would go something like this if I wasn't afraid of sounding too vulnerable in front of the whole world:

Missing the sound of the furnace kicking on, the water sloshing around in my pillow, the feel of my bamboo sheets against my legs, the zen view from the couch, the hum of the fridge, my bedside water carafe, blue LEDs in my computer, the knowledge that I can walk around in the dark with minimal risk of bodily injury... Which is not to say that I am unhappy. Just feeling alone in the Universe and disconnected from the things which normally comfort me.

But actually, I am unhappy. I bought two pairs of shoes today which almost makes up for this disconnected, discombobulated feeling. Almost. Something isn't right in the world. I know what it is. It's the reason I spent the latter part of this evening watching the hockey game with a glass of sauvignon blanc and my shopping bags in a bar on Davie Street. I don't know how to fix it though. These things are apparently quite beyond me. What I want most is to bolt. I'm really good at running away. But what if I run away and never come back?

Toronto

We made a decision today. We decided that I should accept the job in Toronto and we would try to make it work. He has applied to a couple of jobs and even bounced around the idea of a PhD. I am happy about the new job but sad to leave Vancouver again. I know I am going to be a wreck when it's time for me to leave him but I feel comforted that he cares enough to think about moving across the country so we can be together. Even if he's just lying to me to make me feel better.

On Tuesday night, we actually decided to stay in Vancouver. We flipped a coin and it came up heads. Since we're in Vancouver already, I decided that heads should be the default ie Vancouver. But it just didn't feel right. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I worked so hard for that job and then got it after so much drama and crap. It wouldn't have felt right not to take the opportunity. It didn't sit right with me and I spent all day Wednesday thinking about the woman I have become. That woman can't walk away from this job opportunity. She might be alone at 43 but she is always going to put her career over a man, especially a fledgling relationship, even though he is her BFF(WB).

So, I'm happy, if just for the moment. I am sure that it will be fleeting, if only because happiness in my life usually turns out to be elusive. But I have two weeks to enjoy our time together before I start feeling miserable and lonely again. And then the rest of my life to regret leaving him here to meet someone younger, hotter and better than me.

Always the optimist, never the butterfly.

Paralympics

Remember how I was all excited to volunteer at the Paralympics? Well, it has been less exciting than I anticipated. This is *not* the sound of me complaining. I am still totally psyched that I was given an awesome uniform (two long sleeved shirts, fleece vest, shell jacket, toque and snow pants). And, since I'm taking the bus up to Whistler from Vancouver for each shift (which is 2 hours each way), I got a back pack and a "Club 99" pin. And I got another free pin just because they were giving stuff away. I also got a travel mug which got me a free second shot of espresso in my latte this morning. And so far I have driven a Buick Enclave (leather seats, shiny wood paneling, OnStar, side mirrors that move when I put the car in reverse) and a Cadillac CTS something-or-other. I even got to drive the Buick back to Vancouver after my first shift. But I haven't actually driven any passengers and haven't really met anyone new and exciting. No hot Paralympian athletes making googly eyes at me in the rearview mirror. It's fine though, they're long days and I'm not sure I would know my way around if someone asked me to drop them off at some random restaurant in Whistler village. I am going to try and get tickets to some events, just in case I don't get any calls at all.

Procrastination

The other job called and emailed this morning while I was sleeping in on my last real day off. I haven't called or emailed back yet. I'm not sure why I'm putting this off. I wanted that job. The past tense being the key here. Do I still want that job? Do I want to live in Toronto? I'm happy here, but maybe it's because I'm homeless and crashing with MFV. This idyllic little setup can't last forever so eventually I'll be on my own again with all the regular anxiety and stress and loneliness. So, where would I rather be miserable? Here where it's rainy (which makes me happy) or there with my girlfriends (who at least fill the void sometimes). I should call the HR Manager back and find out what's going on. But first I'm going to take a long, hot shower and think.

Progress

I have made some progress since Monday morning. My group here in BC has given me a deadline of next Friday (that's March 19). If I don't have an offer from the other job in front of me next Thursday, I will just stay in Vancouver and be happy with that decision. In the meantime, I will be volunteering at the Paralympics as a driver up in Whistler. I have been scheduled for five 10-hour shifts every other day starting on Saturday. Plus 4 hours travel time from Vancouver and I'm going to be one very tired puppy. I probably won't see MFV a whole lot either since my shifts are from 2.30 pm to 12.30 am. I just hope I don't get stranded in Whistler! The last bus down to Vancouver is at 11.30 pm so I'm hoping that they let us out of these super late shifts a little early. If not, I guess I'm sleeping in the shuttle van!

I'm actually very excited about this. It's funny how things worked out. I actually thought on the flight to Vancouver, "well it's too late for me to volunteer for the Olympics but I wonder if they still need volunteers for the Paralympics?" For once the Universe is working in my favour. Thank you, Universe.

Still unemployed and homeless

Not that I was expecting anything to change over the weekend, but I'm still in my pjs at 11 am, sitting on MFV's couch not earning my keep. We're having lunch at noon (although I'm not sure how that will work since it's No Talking Mondays) which will likely be the highlight of my day. On Friday afternoon, I went to the office to talk to my group manager and they're thinking about putting me on the payroll temporarily starting next week. Apparently I am just not able to take time off like a normal person. I was inventing lists of things to do for myself last week. Today, (un)fortunately, I forgot to the sign back a page of the eleventy page background check form so I have to print, sign and courier it back to them this afternoon. Also, I got a call from the people who are organizing the Paralympic games yesterday and they are looking for volunteers so I'm hoping to get involved with that for a few days next week. Okay, I better put on my big girl pants so that I can at least have a productive afternoon.

Sunny and 8 degrees... and boring

Oh dear, I have taken one full day off and I'm bored out of my tree! Yesterday, I unpacked and got organized (I figure I will be here a while, regardless of which job offer I accept) and then I went to the beach and lay on a bench (and was chased off by a bunch of mean, angry old hobos) and read this book (thanks Seattle).

Just as I was writing that paragraph, I got a text message from a girlfriend to come over and hang out. I was going to make a list of things to do (groceries, laundry, download and photos, crossword puzzle etc) but now I guess I can procrastinate a bit longer :)