Shoes, booze and losers: a primer for the thirty-something spinster

Prologue

2011-04-27T05:26:00.000-04:00

I was having lunch with an old friend in Soho (HK) today and I found out that the first guy I officially went on a date with is gay. Well, let's just say that I *officially* found out today that he has finally come out. I knew there was something horribly wrong when he held my hand at Toys 'R Us and it felt terrible. Or maybe it was McDonald's. That was a bright idea on the part of my then best friend. She just wanted me to come on a triple date with her and above-referenced lunch friend. Ugh, that entire afternoon still makes me shudder. I think I remember slow-dancing with him to Take My Breath Away at one of our school dances. That song always gives me the creeps but maybe now I will think back on it more fondly. I have added him to facebook so hopefully he doesn't hate me too much for being so repulsed by his attempts at affection. Poor guy. I should have been nicer to him. Perhaps my dating life since then has just been relationship karma for that fledgling experience. If only I had known then all the things I know now...

Ah well, lunch was fun and then I bought two pairs of shoes at Vickie's. Let me tell you, this might be my new favourite shoe store. They do custom shoes in 4 weeks. The styles and colours are fabulous and the prices are totally inexpensive. I wish I had more time here so I could go back and place an order. Next time. Someone please remind me!

Random update

2010-12-23T16:52:00.000-05:00

Conversation between me and the Manfriend:

Me: Does the fact that I still get excited to see you mean we are still in the honeymoon phase? I wonder if that will wear off eventually. Anyway, yay :)

MF: You’ll be sick of me soon. Don’t worry.

Me: Unlikely. It’s been 7 months and I still smile when I think about you. Sorry, mushy crap over. Must be baby Jesus’s fault! :)

MF: That’s it, blame Jebus. Heathen.

LOL.

This is another test

2010-07-24T22:34:00.001-04:00

I'm thinking of switching to Wordpress so I can blog from my iPhone. Thoughts?

Happy Canada Day!

2010-07-01T00:03:00.004-04:00

Things are much improved in the last few days. Turns out I'm still completely neurotic. The living room is considerably less full of boxes. And I managed to install shelves in my closets, almost all by myself! I'm pretty proud of myself for doing that. Anyway, I still need a lot of furniture and to somehow install the blinds I bought at IKEA. I would like to continue purging but it's really hard to shed all the crap that collects over 30 odd years. I wish someone would come over and throw away random boxes when I wasn't looking. I'm talking to you, Seattle.

MFV is still being awkward and distant. As far as I'm concerned, that's officially over. As for the other, I was imagining things. This week has been good. Close, comfortable, filled with doggy love. His dog. His dog that jumps on my bed when we're napping on the couch and sheds all over it. Awesome. But he has such an adorable face that I can't say no. Both dog and owner. Fingers crossed it lasts a bit longer. Just a bit longer. That's all I'm asking for.

Homeowner

2010-06-26T07:55:00.004-04:00

I'm back online. It turns out Bell can't provide me with internet service in my new building so I had to switch to Rogers. I finally set up my computer but the place is still a disaster. The living room is full of boxes and there's a lot of work to do. It turns out the work of a homeowner is never done. It's overwhelming and exhausting so I'm going back to bed for a nap. My coworker was supposed to get married today but dodged that bullet and is having a party to celebrate her singleness. It's going to be a long day. There's other stuff going on too. MFV moved here last weekend and I really don't want to see him or talk to him but I can't abandon him now. So much has happened in the last three months that I can't possibly begin to recap it all. It turns out we're totally incompatible as a couple. It's ironic how I can be sexually compatible with someone and not able communicate with him at all. Shades of Grey. Our communication really deteriorated in April and May and we haven't really spoken at all in June. He still thinks he can try but, the truth is, there is another. The other doesn't seem promising at the moment and the whole thing hurts my heart. At least I'm not homeless anymore.

2010-05-27T19:28:00.002-04:00

I'm aware I have been MIA. I'm all kinds of miserable at the moment and I don't want to go into details. There isn't really a reason for the overwhelming misery. More like a coagulation of things which combine to make me wish I was at work all the time. And I'm not always happy when I'm there but it's hard to leave. I don't know why I can't just be happy. I like to think it will be easier when I finally close on my new place next weekend. But, for the moment, I sit on the streetcar fighting off tears and wearing my sunglasses at sunset. Like the batshit crazy old lady that I am.

I bought a condo

2010-04-22T00:56:00.001-04:00

Conditions waive next week so I still have a lot of work to do... and buyer's remorse to experience. I'm tired. Very tired. But I have a great realtor. I heart him. I definitely could not have done this without him.

iPhone

2010-04-15T22:45:00.003-04:00

I should have done this ages ago. I love it. I retract all the negative things I ever said about touchscreens. Whatever Apple is doing with the iPhone, they should keep doing it. I still don't find Macs very intuitive but it really is possible to be an iPhone PC girl :)

I hung out with my coworkers this evening and that was awesome too. If you ever get a chance to see a teeny-bopper band called the Calamities, it will be worth your money. The Late Shift is good too. Toronto Fire band Backdraft is good if you're looking for a late 80s Diet Pepsi commercial theme.

Meanwhile, MFV aced the San Fran interview and Toronto is tomorrow. Seattle is on Monday. Must spend weekend thinking of incentives for him to move here. Suggestions? NC-17 ideas only please...

Setback

2010-04-13T22:50:00.003-04:00

I fired my realtor today. At least, I didn't *fire* him. I lied about my reasons for not seeing more places for the next couple of weeks. He has slipped a few times already and we have only been working together for 10 days. I don't intend to continue working with him. It's sorta like dating, I guess. I just want it to be over but I don't have the balls for the unpleasant honesty.

So there's a week gone in the quest to be not homeless. It feels like a setback but that's because I'm impatient and unhappy, unsettled and frustrated and lonely. I miss my shoes. And my bed. My pillow and sheets and kitchen utensils and did I already mention my shoes?

It's not really a setback though. I learned quite a few things. But I realize that I am officially a high-maintenance first-time home buyer. And I'm completely overwhelmed at the thought of doing this all on my own. MFV says I can talk to him but I can't. He's too busy at work to email me back and it's too late in the evening for us to have a reasonable conversation by the time he's home and has had dinner. I am tired and sad. I want him to move here so we can be together but I'm too scared to hope for that.

Fortunately work is an escape, though not having enough to do makes the time pass slowly. I think I have enough to do tomorrow that it should go by faster. And I think I'm going to get a new phone. I'm going to try out the iPhone for two weeks and if I can't handle the touch screen, the store manager will let me switch to the Blackberry. Many people tell me that I will never leave the iPhone once I get used to it. So I guess I have a date with my new iPhone tomorrow night. That, at least, feels like progress. I do need a new phone and, considering how much I am paying for just minutes now, I might as well get some fun stuff out of it.

Back to life, back to reality...

2010-04-11T00:09:00.003-04:00

I know I haven't posted in a while. I sorry. The last week has been busy and stressful and lonely and good. I know I sound manic. I feel manic. Here are some highlights:

1. Started the new job. Week 1 was fine. I didn't really do any work but I'm okay with that. There was a lot of admin to do. Not to mention, I can't seem to shake this jetlag.

2. I miss MFV. This is hard. If only it had been a regular week for him but it wasn't. Half his company got laid off (the other half) this week and he has since started applying for other jobs. He has been besieged with headhunters which is great for his self-esteem. However, one job is in San Francisco, one is in Seattle (settle down there Seattle!) and one is here in Toronto. Should he choose one of the other two, I will probably not get out of bed for several days. I'm trying not to think about the job here because hope is a demon in my world and the dream of a life together in this city is too big a dream to lose.

3. I have been looking at condos. I can't afford anything. This sucks monkey balls. The one I really want and can afford is in an unregistered building. I know nothing about buying unregistered property. The other one I want a little bit is not in my price range and will likely sell for significantly more than the list price. Of course, I really want it but I'm pretending that I don't.

4. I keep trying to convince myself to be happy but it's not working. Someone please hit me over the head with a heavy object.

5. I can't decide between a Blackberry Bold 9700 and 16GB iPhone. I really want an Android phone (Google OS) with a BB interface (QWERTY keyboard and track pad) and fun little iPhone apps. I know, I'm too picky.

Ready

2010-03-31T03:22:00.003-04:00

I'm ready. Ready to go back to work. Ready to buy a place. Ready to be a homeowner and make mortgage payments. Ready to pick out paint colours and buy furniture and tear my hair out trying to figure out how to replace carpet with laminate and how the hell baseboards work. I'm ready to get a dog and for MFV to move to Toronto and for us to live happily ever after. On balance, we have had a really great month together. Maybe part of the reason for that is because we knew that we might eventually not be together anymore. But I think a big reason is that we're right for each other. He still has a lot of growing to do. I have a bit of growing to do also. I really hope that we end up together but I accept that many things could change... or that nothing might change at all. Fingers crossed and eyes wide open. Better go to bed. 4 more sleeps until I get on a plane. He cried today. Sssshh, don't tell him I told you that!

Epiphany

2010-03-29T15:51:00.001-04:00

Holy crap, I was just reading Love Cynicismand I just had an epiphany!

Relationships = Teamwork!

Damn. There's a lesson my parents didn't teach me.

Relationships

2010-03-25T12:26:00.003-04:00

Relationships are strange things. I work hard and play hard and expect to savour the rewards of my efforts. But relationships don't work that way. It doesn't matter how hard you bust your ass. If you're with someone who is not also busting their ass.. well, then you're just a fool. You're also a fool if you date douchebags and think they're interesting and entertaining. I suppose I had to turn 30 to learn that lesson!

Anyway, I realize that my previous post made it seem as though I'm lonely in Vancouver but I really couldn't be happier. Yesterday, I spent a lovely, sunshiney afternoon on Granville Island. I met MFV for lunch, read a book on the dock, got a pistachio ice cream cone, shopped, met MFV for coffee and eventually wondered home for a late afternoon nap. Then I met one of my favourite girlfriends for dinner in Yaletown and she filled up my soul and left it overflowing for the next person. It was a really good day. It has been a really good few weeks. I needed the break. I needed to rest. I needed to reconnect with myself. I needed to enjoy myself. I have done all those things. This has maybe been the best few weeks of my post-grad student life.

The thing is, when you start a new relationship with your bestest friend in the whole world and you also happen to be living with that person, the slightest bit of distance or withdrawal doesn't go unnoticed. But because you're living with this person, even though you might be second-guessing everything he says, you can't deal with it the same way you normally would. You can't play hard to get or give him his space or wait for him to come to you. You have to continue with the things you have started doing every day. Like washing his cereal bowl and coffee mug. And doing the laundry and buying groceries for dinner and planning your weekend getaway. And spooning with him as he falls asleep. I'm not suggesting for a minute that I would rather be in the other situation - the one where I could retreat to my cave and wait for him to come get me - after all that has not worked out so well in the past for me! But it does present a slightly different challenge. Ah, the male ego...

I am still trying to figure out this little problem. How to be a gentle, caring, loving partner without smothering the poor guy. How to still be the fun BFF and not morph into my usual relationship neuroses monster. How to be okay with having sex even when I'm not feeling 100% connected and dealing with those feelings with the minimum of drama. It's tough. I haven't been in a real relationship for many years. Maybe I never was. I never really experienced any sort of emotional intimacy with X, even though he was my best friend. I have had plenty of physical intimacy in the last couple of years, thank you Grey. But we never connected on an emotional level, in fact very much the opposite with him pushing me away whenever I would start to get close.

This is different. Better. Much, much better. But strange new territory for me. He got mad at me the other night. It was a stupid, trivial argument. And while we have moved on, we haven't really dealt with it. I'm not sure what the issue is. Probably that I am a giant, raving, condescending beyotch. I should fix that.

However, it could also be temporary. If he doesn't find work in Toronto, we may never be together again after next weekend. I intend to make the most of the week we have left. He is my BFF after all.

Lonely

2010-03-23T03:32:00.003-04:00

I'm homesick. My Twitter/facebook update would go something like this if I wasn't afraid of sounding too vulnerable in front of the whole world:

Missing the sound of the furnace kicking on, the water sloshing around in my pillow, the feel of my bamboo sheets against my legs, the zen view from the couch, the hum of the fridge, my bedside water carafe, blue LEDs in my computer, the knowledge that I can walk around in the dark with minimal risk of bodily injury... Which is not to say that I am unhappy. Just feeling alone in the Universe and disconnected from the things which normally comfort me.

But actually, I am unhappy. I bought two pairs of shoes today which almost makes up for this disconnected, discombobulated feeling. Almost. Something isn't right in the world. I know what it is. It's the reason I spent the latter part of this evening watching the hockey game with a glass of sauvignon blanc and my shopping bags in a bar on Davie Street. I don't know how to fix it though. These things are apparently quite beyond me. What I want most is to bolt. I'm really good at running away. But what if I run away and never come back?

Toronto

2010-03-19T01:07:00.004-04:00

We made a decision today. We decided that I should accept the job in Toronto and we would try to make it work. He has applied to a couple of jobs and even bounced around the idea of a PhD. I am happy about the new job but sad to leave Vancouver again. I know I am going to be a wreck when it's time for me to leave him but I feel comforted that he cares enough to think about moving across the country so we can be together. Even if he's just lying to me to make me feel better.

On Tuesday night, we actually decided to stay in Vancouver. We flipped a coin and it came up heads. Since we're in Vancouver already, I decided that heads should be the default ie Vancouver. But it just didn't feel right. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I worked so hard for that job and then got it after so much drama and crap. It wouldn't have felt right not to take the opportunity. It didn't sit right with me and I spent all day Wednesday thinking about the woman I have become. That woman can't walk away from this job opportunity. She might be alone at 43 but she is always going to put her career over a man, especially a fledgling relationship, even though he is her BFF(WB).

So, I'm happy, if just for the moment. I am sure that it will be fleeting, if only because happiness in my life usually turns out to be elusive. But I have two weeks to enjoy our time together before I start feeling miserable and lonely again. And then the rest of my life to regret leaving him here to meet someone younger, hotter and better than me.

Always the optimist, never the butterfly.

Paralympics

2010-03-16T18:44:00.007-04:00

Remember how I was all excited to volunteer at the Paralympics? Well, it has been less exciting than I anticipated. This is *not* the sound of me complaining. I am still totally psyched that I was given an awesome uniform (two long sleeved shirts, fleece vest, shell jacket, toque and snow pants). And, since I'm taking the bus up to Whistler from Vancouver for each shift (which is 2 hours each way), I got a back pack and a "Club 99" pin. And I got another free pin just because they were giving stuff away. I also got a travel mug which got me a free second shot of espresso in my latte this morning. And so far I have driven a Buick Enclave (leather seats, shiny wood paneling, OnStar, side mirrors that move when I put the car in reverse) and a Cadillac CTS something-or-other. I even got to drive the Buick back to Vancouver after my first shift. But I haven't actually driven any passengers and haven't really met anyone new and exciting. No hot Paralympian athletes making googly eyes at me in the rearview mirror. It's fine though, they're long days and I'm not sure I would know my way around if someone asked me to drop them off at some random restaurant in Whistler village. I am going to try and get tickets to some events, just in case I don't get any calls at all.

Procrastination

2010-03-12T14:18:00.003-05:00

The other job called and emailed this morning while I was sleeping in on my last real day off. I haven't called or emailed back yet. I'm not sure why I'm putting this off. I wanted that job. The past tense being the key here. Do I still want that job? Do I want to live in Toronto? I'm happy here, but maybe it's because I'm homeless and crashing with MFV. This idyllic little setup can't last forever so eventually I'll be on my own again with all the regular anxiety and stress and loneliness. So, where would I rather be miserable? Here where it's rainy (which makes me happy) or there with my girlfriends (who at least fill the void sometimes). I should call the HR Manager back and find out what's going on. But first I'm going to take a long, hot shower and think.

Progress

2010-03-10T15:25:00.003-05:00

I have made some progress since Monday morning. My group here in BC has given me a deadline of next Friday (that's March 19). If I don't have an offer from the other job in front of me next Thursday, I will just stay in Vancouver and be happy with that decision. In the meantime, I will be volunteering at the Paralympics as a driver up in Whistler. I have been scheduled for five 10-hour shifts every other day starting on Saturday. Plus 4 hours travel time from Vancouver and I'm going to be one very tired puppy. I probably won't see MFV a whole lot either since my shifts are from 2.30 pm to 12.30 am. I just hope I don't get stranded in Whistler! The last bus down to Vancouver is at 11.30 pm so I'm hoping that they let us out of these super late shifts a little early. If not, I guess I'm sleeping in the shuttle van!

I'm actually very excited about this. It's funny how things worked out. I actually thought on the flight to Vancouver, "well it's too late for me to volunteer for the Olympics but I wonder if they still need volunteers for the Paralympics?" For once the Universe is working in my favour. Thank you, Universe.

Still unemployed and homeless

2010-03-08T14:06:00.005-05:00

Not that I was expecting anything to change over the weekend, but I'm still in my pjs at 11 am, sitting on MFV's couch not earning my keep. We're having lunch at noon (although I'm not sure how that will work since it's No Talking Mondays) which will likely be the highlight of my day. On Friday afternoon, I went to the office to talk to my group manager and they're thinking about putting me on the payroll temporarily starting next week. Apparently I am just not able to take time off like a normal person. I was inventing lists of things to do for myself last week. Today, (un)fortunately, I forgot to the sign back a page of the eleventy page background check form so I have to print, sign and courier it back to them this afternoon. Also, I got a call from the people who are organizing the Paralympic games yesterday and they are looking for volunteers so I'm hoping to get involved with that for a few days next week. Okay, I better put on my big girl pants so that I can at least have a productive afternoon.

Sunny and 8 degrees... and boring

2010-03-04T14:26:00.002-05:00

Oh dear, I have taken one full day off and I'm bored out of my tree! Yesterday, I unpacked and got organized (I figure I will be here a while, regardless of which job offer I accept) and then I went to the beach and lay on a bench (and was chased off by a bunch of mean, angry old hobos) and read this book (thanks Seattle).

Just as I was writing that paragraph, I got a text message from a girlfriend to come over and hang out. I was going to make a list of things to do (groceries, laundry, download and photos, crossword puzzle etc) but now I guess I can procrastinate a bit longer :)

Seaside, OR

2010-03-02T11:47:00.005-05:00

Probably one of my favourite places on the planet. If you come here, stay in unit 408 at the Seaside Beach Club Condos. The view from the picture window is mind blowing and I'm all warm and toasty under a blanket on the couch. MFV wants to go outside (he's never done this before) so I should hustle. And no Asshat, we have not eloped. But we haven't quite killed each other (yet) either. There's a whole day ahead of us though...

Homeless and unemployed

2010-02-26T09:29:00.003-05:00

It's Friday morning at the end of a life-changing week. I'm sitting on Jesus' couch watching Olympic coverage. It's 9.30 am and I'm still in my pjs. I'm backing up my laptop in case I have to give it back while I'm in BC. My stuff is in Mr and Mrs Happy's basement - thank God for them - and my car is with Baby's friend which is also a relief. A couple of the grad students helped keep me sane on moving day which was one of the longest days of my life. So I am now officially homeless. I will be unemployed at the end of next week so I guess that makes me a hobo. I have decided to stay in Vancouver indefinitely until I make a decision about work. I figure it makes more sense to be there where it's warm and I can at least get outside during the day. I'll be staying with MFV and we will hopefully not want to kill each other after a few days. If I decide to come back to Toronto, I will have nowhere to live so I'm not anxious to return until I have to. I am hoping to see King Tut before I leave so I should get moving with my morning. Next time I write will probably be the other side of our road trip to Oregon.

I'm not moving

2010-02-23T21:24:00.004-05:00

Which is not to say I won't be homeless. I still have to be out of my apartment on Friday but now I don't know where I'm going. I am completely exhausted and overwhelmed and emotional and fighting off tears. The last few days have been an emotional roller coaster and it appears the ride is not over yet.

The short version is that I might be staying in Toronto. The new place is working on an offer but it won't be ready for a couple of weeks, maybe three. However, my new group manager in Vancouver is okay with that. I was completely floored and impressed at his reaction. He was totally supportive and said that I definitely would not burn a bridge by pursuing the other opportunity. It was such a generous, totally cool reaction. So now, I have some time to make a decision. I just hope it is the right one.

However, my movers are still coming tomorrow morning and I'm frantically trying to figure out what to do with my stuff. If the national movers take it, they will charge me $1500 to pack, load and store for 1 month. I hope I can find local movers to put it into storage in my friend's basement for a couple of months. I'm not sure what the penalty will be for not using the national movers. I'm not sure that will actually save me any money. But it seems like $1500 is a lot for 30 days of storage! This is the overwhelming part. But I'm still going to Vancouver on Friday, and to Oregon for the weekend, so it will just have to sort itself out somehow.

I am going to be relieved when I'm finally at the airport. I will probably be a basket case. And I can't wait to see MFV. I really need a hug.

Not crazy

2010-02-22T09:06:00.004-05:00

I'm moving to Vancouver on Friday! I'm pretty excited. I will be much happier on Wednesday after the movers leave and I have a lot to do before then. But, for those of you paying attention, they couldn't make me an offer within an acceptable timeframe so it was not to be. I'm glad. And MFV is happy. I'm hoping there's something there. But even if that doesn't work out, I'll be able to finally retire my Lululemon merino wool longjohns. People, there's a snow storm in Toronto tonight. I like to think this is Toronto's way of saying good bye... or just "so long sucker".

My life in crazy

2010-02-21T09:51:00.007-05:00

Remember when I interviewed for this job?

Well, the HR manager phoned on Friday and would like to discuss a permanent position. Now, pardon my francais, but fuck me! Since I last posted on this subject, I gave notice on my apartment (for the end of February), settled my start date in Vancouver (March 15), booked a flight (February 26), booked a trip to Oregon (via Seattle) for 4 days next weekend with MFV, started packing up and selling furniture and have had about a bajillion going away parties. The movers are coming on Wednesday to pick up my crap. I will be homeless after that. What do I do? I have spent the weekend feeling anxious and worried about this situation instead of enjoying the fact that I'm free of this office and project forever (except for Tuesday when I have to go in again and hand in my expenses).

Here is some background. When I declined the previous contract offer, I didn't find out details on salary, benefits, vacation etc because I knew I would not be happy in a contract position so it would have been a waste of time to even ask. On Friday, I didn't pick up her message until after 5 pm so I still don't know any of the details and therefore can't make any decisions until I know more. I have spent the weekend continuing to pack and purge and clean and sort in anticipation of a move to the west coast. I will call her first thing tomorrow morning to find out if we can meet and discuss details. In order for me to even entertain the idea of not moving to BC, she will have to put a written offer in front of me by the end of the day Monday. At the very latest, it will have to be Tuesday morning so that I can make a decision about my movers.

I did speak with someone who used to work in the organization and he told me some interesting recent back story. Apparently some higher up left and they're trying to reshuffle people around and up the food chain. The optics of hiring another person - just going through the whole interview process again - two months after having filled this position isn't good. If I had accepted the contract position, I would have been bumped into the full-time role which is why they're calling me now. Jesus (who works for the government too) says this is a kosher way to do things and is how the process would normally work so any offer they make me would be firm.

The thing is, the person I spoke to told me that he thinks they are looking for someone to take over a particular project. Specifically, this one. Now, when I heard about this project, my first thought was, "this is the one project I would stay in Toronto for". Ironic, no? Anyway, this project apparently has quite the negative reputation because it has virtually stalled and all the stakeholders are very unhappy. It sounds like the very situation I am trying to leave, except I would be working for this organization instead of my current company. But I still want to work on that project.

In addition to the above crazy statement, it's crazy for me to even think about not going to Vancouver at this point. It's almost past the point of no return. It's crazy to think about putting a potential relationship with MFV on hold again, although he has indicated he would be willing to consider moving here instead. It's crazy to think about permanently burning the bridge with the people who are expecting me to start work in three weeks. It's crazy to consider staying in this city which makes me crazy and not move to the City of the 2010 Winter Olympics. All this makes me a crazy person.

What should I do?

Last day

2010-02-19T07:30:00.002-05:00

It's my last day. I'm not leaving the company, just the office. I have mixed feelings. I'm sad about leaving my group but can't take much more of the project. I have worked a lot of hours recently and I'm exhausted and there are still team members who bitch and moan in meetings and make me want to kill myself, despite the fact that I know that I'm leaving. I won't miss those people. But I will miss the girls. They're a highly intelligent, very personable bunch of women. Hopefully I don't cry in front of everyone.

Happy Chinese New Year!

2010-02-14T10:15:00.001-05:00

Just say no. Don't be a Schmalentine.

OPI Bogota blackberry

2010-02-11T21:53:00.000-05:00

In response to the request for shoes...

Grainy self-portrait

2010-02-10T23:10:00.001-05:00

Self-portrait?

2010-02-09T00:39:00.002-05:00

I am seriously considering posting an incredibly grainy photo of myself wearing the dress! and the NEW.RED.HIGH.HEELS! for a short period so y'all can see how truly awesome I looked. Of course, this is all relative because you won't know how frumpydumpy I normally look and therefore can't be amazed by all the girly awesomeness. Thoughts?

My chest

2010-02-07T09:06:00.008-05:00

Asshat Disclaimer: This entry is not about my rack.

Rain's blog entry about marriage, divorce and hope chests inspired this entry. Although I have never had any of those things, I did end a 7 year relationship and spent the last 5 years rebuilding myself to be almost entirely self-sufficient.

I think Rain should fill his man chest with the macho-ly equivalent of the stuff in my metaphorical 30-something spinster chest. Here are the key things inside my chest:

shoes (LOTS of shoes);
jewelry which I purchased myself;
books and newspapers and crossword puzzles and a blog to keep me entertained;
a digital SLR to capture the memories when mine fades;
a latte to keep me company;
socks and blankets to keep me warm (until I finally find me a man from whom to steal body heat);
a girlfriend who always gets it, or several who get some things most of the time;
a friend with a dog;
a steady supply of other peoples' newborn babies (so I can give them back when I'm done filling up on that baby smell);
a dream (to keep me going);
a gym membership (for the days I need enough confidence to pull off a strapless gown);
a manicure for a special day;
a pedicure for a rainy day;
a nap for that same rainy afternoon (can't put shoes on over a pedicure!);
Belgian callebaut chocolate for the down days;
a home with a great view (instead of a tv); and,
a giant pink waterproof vibrator to add a touch of secret comedy and some titillation (courtesy of my best friend and Babeland.com).

Some suggestions for Rain's chest:

shoes (women always look at your shoes);
some sort of man status symbol (big chunky watch? big chunky car? little unchunky girlfriend?);
some toys for the kids (Lego?);
some toys for the men (Lego?);
a hobby to keep you sane;
a sport to keep you sweaty;
a bottle of Scotch;
a friend to share the Scotch;
a couch to watch the game;
a dog to share the couch;
a manicure (and possibly an eyebrow wax);
a gym membership (for when you need to prop up ladies who wear strapless gowns);
a Maxim magazine (reading for the can);
whatever might be the man equivalent of a giant pink waterproof vibrator...

Please, pretend?

2010-02-05T20:53:00.000-05:00

Can you at least pretend you'll miss me when I'm gone?

This day went from mildly upsetting to upsetting to really upsetting. I'm glad it's over and I'm home where I'm safe from people who make me cry.

NEW.RED.HIGH.HEELS

2010-02-05T00:10:00.006-05:00

Oh yeha baby, my shoes arrived today! I am so excited. They are ridiculous shoes, much higher than I would normally wear and I wouldn't have bought them - despite their being on sale - if I wasn't already planning to wear them to another event in May.

To be really honest though, I am more excited about the dress I'm going to wear. I have never in my life been excited to wear a stupid old dress. But this dress... well, I love it. I LOVE IT. I am so excited I feel like I'm 7 years old again playing dress up in my mother's closet.

I don't care that I will be solo. Actually, I'm almost looking forward to it. It's going to be a good night

Sick

2010-02-01T21:50:00.002-05:00

I am still sick. I have learned a few things this time around:

1. Advil Cold & Sinus keeps me awake at night.
2. Nasonex nasal spray (free sample from the doctor's office) is much better. Clears up the passages without the desert-like burning dryness.
2a. Do not apply said nasal spray when driving onto the highway. It is hard to blow your nose and hold a steering wheel at the same time.
3. Always keep a bottle of Dimetapp with codeine handy... preferably one that is not expired.
4. Puffs plus with lotion and Vicks is so much better than regular Puffs plus with lotion! And that's really saying something.
5. My client told me to apply Vicks liberally to my feet and then put on socks. I don't have any Vicks with which to try this but I must remember to lie to him and tell him that it worked.

I hope to feel considerably better tomorrow morning. Must go to bed before codeine kicks in...

Back that Hyundai up...

2010-01-29T17:22:00.004-05:00

Dammit to hell I hate women drivers! I was in my underground parking lot, just trying to get upstairs to bed because I'm sick and being stubborn about taking drugs. Perhaps if I had been properly medicated, my reaction time would have been faster and I would have been able to throw my car into reverse when the woman in front of me decided to back up without checking to see who was behind her.

She slammed into me pretty hard. Not a glance behind her at all. She was young and driving her daddy's car. She was profusely apologetic but I got her insurance information anyway. I think I'm fine - I'm shaking and in pain but that could be because I'm sick - and I don't really see any damage to the car. But it's going on a train across the country in less than a month so I don't want to take any chances.

I really need a hug. Enough to let Jesus come over with dinner and hold my hand while I drink my neo-citran. Actually, he did that the last two nights so clearly it has more to do with me being a big sucky baby when I'm sick than getting slammed in the front end. It turns out that the things I find most annoying when I'm fine are the things I find most comforting when I'm sick. I didn't ask him to hold my hand. He just did it. And for a while, I kept moving my hand away and then he would reach for it again later. He has been very attentive. Which is nice, for now. Until my glands are no longer swollen.

I know I'm a terrible person for taking advantage - and how bitchy am I when I'm not sick that those things annoy the hell out of me? - but I'm sure that he's just waiting until I'm well and truly dosed up on decongestant and antihistamines and ibuprofen to take advantage of me!

Life lessons

2010-01-23T01:32:00.004-05:00

I had the lovely lady grad students over for fondue tonight and now I'm too tired to do anything except mention that it was a nice evening. I have a vat of chocolate fondue leftover though so I suspect fondue redux will ensue.

I learned a life lesson earlier this week and I would like to share it. I'm paraphrasing from Criminal Minds.

it does get easier and, one day, you remember and it doesn't hurt anymore... and you're happy.

Of all places, I realized that in Superstore when I walked by the Cadbury creme egg display.

Several years ago, at Easter, I set up a little Easter Egg hunt for X. He loved those little creme eggs and I must have hidden a dozen of them around our apartment. He found most of them immediately but some he didn't find until summer. It was nice for me that he was so excited at the time, and continued to find nice little surprises months after we had both forgotten about creme eggs.

When I walked past the display, I smiled and laughed a little. I texted him to ask if he remembered. I didn't hear back but that's okay. It was nice to have an unexpected, happy NSA memory of a past relationship.

Oops, I did it again

2010-01-18T20:48:00.004-05:00

Holy comments Batman! Okay fine, I will spill the beans.

Rain had it right in his comment on my last entry. So.SO.RIGHT. What do you know? I mixed beer and liquor. In the same glass. Three times.

Jesus and I went to the Bier Market and I love their take on my old standby, the Kir Royale. At the Bier Markt, naturally it's called a Bier Royale. We started out by having a good time but then a heinous combination of sequences occurred. I was drunk. He was drunk. Too drunk to drive, in fact. Which was not cool. He was clingy and gropey and condescending. Actually, he was that guy in the club who is being a complete jackass jerk to his date and you wonder why she's there with him because clearly she's cute and can do better. Okay fine, that's what the cute boy (Paul? Or was it Sean?) said to me. "Why are you with him? You obviously don't want to be. And you're cute. You can do better". Uh, hi Paul, YOU are a cutey-patootie. Can I put you in my pocket and take you home? Sorry, I digress...

I was irritable and cranky (okay perhaps this has nothing to do with booze!) and totally a complete bitch to him because I was tired of him constantly grabbing me and crowding me while we were dancing. Not to mention the completely condescending random comments about trivial meaningless crap. Ugh, gropey and condescending. How is this a turn on? Play hard to get dammit, but don't be a jerk. Ugh. Listen gentlemen, when we're out in public and I repeatedly take your hand off my waist, don't keep grabbing it! AUGH.

Anyway, when cutey pie Paul ended up with butchy she-male in a wife-beater, Jesus noticed me noticing them and said, "are you jealous?" "No, but I didn't think he'd end up with her". "True, he can do better." "Well, that's what he said about me."

Collective blog gasp.

Yes, it was a totally bitchy thing to say but, by that time, I had had enough of his condescending bullshit and gropey wandering hands and should have left on my own terms. But he had my coat check ticket (house keys were in the coat) and my leftover pizza in his car and he was too drunk to drive anywhere. I kept telling myself that here a nice guy and I should be more forgiving and less of a complete raving beyotch. Just goes to show that my judgment where men are concerned is completely, totally, utterly worthless.

So, I walked home drunk by myself and he followed for a bit. I don't know when I lost him, maybe about half way, which is when I phoned MFV. And, though he was drunk himself, he was smart enough to realize that I was not okay. He insisted that I text when I got home and then phoned me later to make sure I was actually alive. I was fast asleep and have no recollection of the conversation. He does want to know what happened but I can't bring myself to tell him. Yet. Maybe next weekend. Or next month. Or never.

I'm too ashamed of myself. I should not have let myself get into that predicament with a strange man, even if His name is Jesus! A girlfriend pointed out on Saturday that he's actually only just doing the minimum to try and get me in bed before I leave. He's not meeting my friends or having dinner but he has no problem taking me to bar and getting me drunk. Thank God I didn't have sex with him. I confess though, I did think about it. I mean, maybe if he hadn't been a total jerk and we both hadn't been disgusto drunk... Ugh.

So, I'm over Jesus and this really is the epilogue in my dating memoirs. I guess I should change the title of this blog again. Suggestions? "How about Catatonia and catnaps: the chronicles of a catless cat lady".

I almost ruined everything

2010-01-16T02:10:00.001-05:00

And I prefer not to think about it, nor discuss it. Ever. Again.

I need a date

2010-01-11T22:54:00.003-05:00

I need a date the evening of Friday February 6 at around 6 pm.

You will:

1. Drive
2. Be polite
3. Be witty
4. Be well-dressed
5. Behave
6. Be fed (your dinner and half of mine)
7. Be entertained (mildly)
8. Bemused, when I explain I found you on dial-a-date. Well, come on, I can't tell my coworkers I have a blog!
9. Berated when you dunk your head in the chocolate fountain

I will look fabulous.

First come, first served. Actually no, convince me. Okay, GO!

Okay, in all seriousness, I asked MFV and he originally said yes but has since changed his mind about coming to Toronto. I can't ask Jesus because my coworker (the one who introduced us) had invited him and has since uninvited him. How awkward would it be if *I* showed up with him?

Not that

2010-01-09T18:15:00.005-05:00

I was just reading Rain's blog entry and the timing is perfect. (Thank you!)

I'm having dinner tonight with Jesus, ostensibly to talk about our crappy communication and to try and maintain a friendship. I'm not sure why I agreed to this because the chemistry is gone and I don't think I enjoy talking to him anymore. Maybe I was starting to wonder if I was being too picky. Starting to wonder if my expectations are too high because MFV always knows how to make me laugh and can read my mood accurately which counts for a lot, even when he doesn't know exactly how make it better.

I was starting to think that I should just suck it up and spend time with Jesus but flip-flopping daily (hourly, even) between wanting to see him and feeling obligated to MFV to not be with anyone else until he and I can see where things go when I move to BC. (My God, this is a horribly written entry but I'm just letting my brain out through my fingertips).

I was starting to think that my hopes are too high, that I can't have a man who is nice and who also makes my head explode when he kisses me. Now I realize I am not wrong to not settle for this guy. Or any guy.

I have been alone long enough that I am not going to settle for someone condescending and immature, just because he looks good in glasses. If you scroll down to Leah's comment, it was the combination of "leap" and curling toes which finally made me realize this. Her comment made my toes curl just reading it. I want *that*. Well, I guess I want *that* back, and if I can't have *that*, then I don't want something which is clearly not *that*.

Douchebaggery

2010-01-06T01:00:00.005-05:00

Today I had a quick lunch with the Original Douchebag (he sat, I ate) and he was saying how he didn't do much over the holidays because all his friends are married now and he felt like a loser. His actual words were "so, I realized that I'm not actually a loser but I felt like a loser". Lol, who says that?? And he proposed that we should be closer friends from now on since we're both single. He was being totally creepy and weird. Ick. So I told him that I'm no longer single. He slammed his hand on the table and said, "dammit!" Uh, transparent much?? I should just have had lunch at my desk but Douchebag Beta asked me to go for lunch when I got in and I blew him off because he was a complete fu&ker the last time we didn't see each other*.

Then, this evening, despite being a complete gentleman and driving 45 minute to pick me up so I wouldn't have to deal with the broken subway after dinner, Jesus was kind of a jerk. He was patronizing and condescending and kept touching me in ways that were annoying. When I asked him to stop all of the offending behaviours, he laughed at me and continued to be patronizing. I mean, fine, the guy is older than me but I resent him treating me like a child. It's frustrating because I felt as though I was just starting to open up to him.

He also got me a gift. An expensive gift from Coach. Which was sweet. But he bought me a ponytail scarf. Only, I have short hair. Short, short hair. You know when Rihanna went super short? Yeah, ftw, right? WHAT am I going to do with a ponytail scarf??

Why do I attract weirdos and jerks?? I need a cookie. And a hug. A hug-flavoured cookie.

*I didn't post about this because it seemed like a waste of time in an otherwise perfectly good evening.

Sloth

2010-01-04T23:15:00.002-05:00

My landlady is going to sell this place so now I have to prepare for 60 days of showings. Gah. This from the girl who has stray cups littered over the apartment, empty wine bottles (rinsed and ready to recycle) on the counter and lives out of the laundry basket. I had an unexpected hour free this evening because I didn't have belly dance class and decided to use that time to imitate a sloth... and then that somehow extended into the rest of the evening. I did talk to Jesus for a bit, so that was productive. Errr, ahem. Anyway, I'm going to put dirty dishes in the wishwasher and pretend to put away some laundry. Maybe just the pants that I don't want to iron later this week. Can somebody please send me a husband/butler?

Brass monkey

2010-01-02T13:47:00.003-05:00

Holy Jeebus it's cold outside! I had lunch with a buddy, actually at his mother's place. I was originally supposed to have brunch with a friend who bails 90% of the time. I should have known she would bail today too. But I'm glad it worked out this way. I only see this buddy of mine a couple of times a year and last saw his mother when I was still with B. It was nice to see her again and we had waffles (yes, I ate waffles and now I need a nap) with apple slices and blue berries and strawberries and bacon! Mmm... bacon two days in a row :) Anyway, I literally drove up the street. Google Maps tells me it was 1.5 km. I was planning to walk but it's too damn cold. In the 90 seconds it took me to get to my car, the wind blew straight through my down jacket and my face froze off. I dropped my nose somewhere but it was too cold to go looking for it.

Anyway, I'm going to lie on the couch for the rest of the afternoon and pretend I'm in Aruba as the circulation returns to my tingly extremities. I'm almost done Season 2 of Mad Men. I anticipate going into 1960s withdrawal when that happens. Must download Season 3 for my between-offices-transfer hiatus.

Happy nude ear!

2010-01-01T02:11:00.002-05:00

I wish for more shoes, more booze and fewer losers all round!

Oooh fireworks outside my window! Pretty :)

I'm starting 2010 with my new Sonicare toothbrush and a sober good night phone call to MFV.

It's Complicated

2009-12-29T23:54:00.004-05:00

I highly recommend that movie. I haven't laughed so hard in a very, very long time. And it made me think about past and future relationships and why we choose to be with the people that we're with.

Finance guy said I could call him when the movie was done so I wouldn't have to walk home alone. But when I phoned him on the walk home, he didn't answer. He rarely answers his phone when I call him. I'm starting to take it personally. It feels as though he is hiding something. Maybe me, from everyone else in his life.

Then I phoned MFV but he was heading to the movies with his little sister and couldn't talk. That's when I felt really alone.

I walked home alone in the cold. It was very quiet, snowing. And I cried.

New Years Resolution

2009-12-29T00:42:00.005-05:00

This year I have decided to be more circumspect with my verbal communication. I intend to finish my sentences and choose my words more precisely. This means slowing down (take a page from the Barack Obama interview guide!) and being more mindful of the words coming out of my brain and into the world via my mouth... which sometimes has a tendency to lag behind my thoughts to the detriment of everyone around me.

Also, I will be turning 40 in 8 years and I am going to create a list of 8 Things to Do Before I Turn 40. I haven't thought of everything yet but I figure I don't have to decide today. Here is the beginning of my list:

1. Perform on stage. This will likely be either dance or acting. The thought freaks me out but I'll get there eventually.
2. Learn a language... and then use it in that country. I'm thinking Italian at the moment.
3. Discipline and love another creature. I'm thinking puppy but I suppose I might accidentally get pregnant and have a little MiniMsB.
4. See my photo on a wall. Not my own wall.
5. Live in another country. I have my sights set on Melbourne, Australia in 2011.
...

Got any New Year's Resolutions you would like to share?

I almost dated Jesus

2009-12-26T11:27:00.001-05:00

So, apparently, when you date an almost 40-year old Spanish Catholic man who was born on Christmas Day and whose name is Jesus, you don't get to see him that day because his parents won't let him come out and play. Apparently, this also means that you wake up on Boxing Day with no desire to fool around with him anymore.

It's a good thing I still have Don Draper and Robert Langdon to get me through the rest of the holidays!

Scrooge

2009-12-24T18:49:00.003-05:00

Ah crap, it's Christmas eve again. I have plans this year. They include smoked salmon and saucy sangria jelly and brownies from a tube and jalapeno gouda. The fridge is quite full, which is unheard of around these parts. My goal for the holidays was to lose some weight, which has apparently happened out of sheer misery at work. But I am going to have to medicate myself through the next four days. I might even work on Monday, just to prevent me from hurting myself. Actually, no it won't be that bad because I was really proactive about making sure I have enough shows recorded and the new Dan Brown book as a bedtime backup plan.

As for the new guy update, I can't tell if it was the Prosecco or something else but there was much more chemistry last night than I anticipated. He brought dinner and a moovie. The Hangover is terrible but I laughed despite myself. And then he stayed til some ridiculous hour. Good thing today was a half day at the office.

This was his email in response to our phone call.

Thanks for calling....we're slowly running out of things to talk about...this phone call only lasted 2 hours and 10 minutes ;-0
but as usual, it was great chatting with you. I can't wait to see your new hair cut....but more importantly...I can wait to see you again!!
I'm going to steal a line from you and say, "you're almost tolerable"...but I know you know that what I'm really saying is, I'm really into you...i like you :-)

Less chaste kisses?

2009-12-23T00:03:00.002-05:00

We talked for over 2 hours this evening. I was thinking it would be 15 or 20 minutes tops but it just went on and on foreverandever.

I'm seeing him tomorrow but we don't have actual plans. Probably dinner and copious quantities of alcohol. He asked me, "what if I hadn't asked if I could kiss you in the elevator?" I'm not sure where that conversation was going but somehow I ended up saying, "next time I'll say no". And he said, "next time I won't ask".

Ho hum...

Date number 3...

2009-12-20T23:03:00.003-05:00

...lasted 7 hours. 7! And there was no hanky panky! Well, there was a very chaste, politely requested, elevator kiss. But that was it. I know, crazy right?

We went for brunch and then went to a movie and then he came over and we watched one and half episodes of Mad Men and that somehow lasted from 12.30 pm to 7.30 pm. I'm shaking my head right now.

It's weird to spend that long being polite to someone new but, for the most part, it was comfortable. He smells nice (bonus!) and is soft-spoken and well-dressed and rather sweet. I don't know what to do with him! Ha.

Seriously though, we probably spent a couple of hours at brunch just people-watching and chatting. Then we killed some time before the movie. Actually, we probably sat for an hour drinking a bottle of wine (woo hoo Varsity's new VIP movie area rocks!) and talking about random crap. We watched Up in the Air which was very good but also very unexpected. And then he basically invited himself over to watch Mad Men (his DVDs so it was okay really) and then planted himself in my IKEA chair so that I could have the couch and the blanket.

He acknowledged in his post-date email that we could have shared the couch and I suggested that he be *slightly* less polite in future; perhaps take a lesson or two from Mad Men ;)

Date number 2

2009-12-19T02:40:00.003-05:00

At least, I think it was a date. It was just drinks and, in fact, I only had one pear cider. We closed the place down. Again! I talked a lot. I really must stop doing that. I know next to nothing about him. "Date" number 3 is on Sunday. Brunch and a moovie. I'm looking forward to it.

I can't explain why I like this guy. Maybe because he has been my therapist this week! He is a great listener, and not just because he lets me go on at length. Because he really seems to be paying attention.

Also, he seems nice. And I'm ready for nice. Really ready. I need a hug and for someone to hold me up and tell me everything is going to be okay.

Epilogue

2009-12-17T00:10:00.004-05:00

Warning: I yam drunk.

Remember finance guy? Well, I *like* him. Warning bells! Danger! DANGER!

The Universe has a fucked up sense of humour. Why, Universe? WHY??

We went for dinner. He let me talk. I was superemotional today and I just needed to talk. And he listened. He really seemed to be paying attention. Literally, as soon as I got upstairs (fine, I will admit that I needed a cigarette after all the post-leaving announcement BS), I had an email from him.

Thanks for agreeing to go out with me and the very fun evening. I would go with you tomorrow. The problem is I'd want to spend just as much time with you as tonight. Hopefully I made enough of a positive impact that the 'other suits' will pale by comparison. ;). Have a great evening. Btw, you looked stunning. Let me know if I'll have the pleasure of your company sometime soon.

What a cheeseball. The thing is, it's kinda nice that he's cheesy. We talked a lot. Oh wait, I already said that. I'm drunk. I want to see him again.

FTW? Why, Universe?? Gah.

Delayed reaction

2009-12-15T22:45:00.001-05:00

I got to thinking, if MFV has pictured our life down the road, far enough in the distant future to imagine us trying to have kids, maybe I should do that too. And I came up with a response. Admittedly, extremely delayed.

So I texted him, "we could always adopt?"

He lol'd :)

Evolution got derailed somewhere...

2009-12-12T20:06:00.005-05:00

MFV thought it was necessary to have "the talk" with me just as I was going to sleep last night. Now, he is considerably younger than me and I don't expect him to know what he wants, be decisive or make a commitment. He is, after all, a man. He told me at 2 am that (i) he is the way he is (commentary: uh yeah, duh, I can accept that); (ii) he is a commitment-phobe and cannot make a commitment the way that I expect to be committed to (thought: uh yeah, we're not even dating, let alone "together"); (iii) he is not ready to have kids but, in several years, when he might be ready to have kids, I may be too old to have them (conclusion: way to state the obvious my dear).

It sounds as though we are perfect for each other! We'll just be BFFWB foreverandeveramen.

From this, I conclude that:
1. We are not in an exclusive relationship.
2. He can go Tiger Woods on me at any time.
3. I am free to fool around with random boys.

So, I intend to bring the new guy to his knees later tonight and beg for it. And then I'm having coffee with finance guy tomorrow just to prop up my ego.

Men, are they actually good for anything but games?? Gah.

Going West

2009-12-12T01:30:00.003-05:00

They called today about the job offer. They wanted to offer me the contract position. I declined because I am single, have one income keeping a roof over my head and would like to buy a more permanent roof over my head before I retire. I have no-one else to rely on for benefits or financial security. So I think I made the right decision.

I plan to accept the offer to move to BC next week, as soon as they have removed the clause about a 90-day probationary period. I anticipate this will not be a problem as I have been with the company for 8 years, almost 4 of which were in BC. I hope that is not a ridiculous assumption but I suppose I will find out.

In not entirely unrelated news, I hate new grocery stores. I wish all stores (at least all stores in a chain) were laid out the same way. But they aren't. I went in to Grey's usual store (because it's open 24 hours and on the way home from Baby's house) to buy juice, soy milk, yoghurt, noodles and bagels and it took me 3 circuits around the store. There were a ton of people doing inventory but nobody offered any assistance. Truth be told, I didn't ask because they all looked stoned. And then, of course, I had to bag my own crap using the self-serve check out. Apparently, if you leave your hand in the bag while you're scanning your items, the scanner doesn't work. Supremely fucked up. I think that I might hate all grocery stores right now.

It doesn't help that my stomach is killing me. Don't know why but I should go to bed.

Second interview

2009-12-09T23:17:00.003-05:00

I'm drunk. I had two glasses of red wine with dinner and wow did I ever need those. I got drunk and silly with my coworker, one of the grad students and my coworker's friend. He is totally my type - older, glasses geeky and in finance. Uhhh hello?! Except, she already told me he's bad in bed. So I'm getting into my bed alone tonight. As I have done for weeks. The interview went... well, fuck, I really have no idea. The veep isn't the kinda guy who cracks a smile. Me, I'm frigging permasmile when I'm in loooove. No poker face here. Oh well, wait and see, I guess. I don't really know what I want anymore. So, here in my drunkenness I'm going to disclose personal information which I probably should not post on my blog.

BC offer: $X5K, 4 weeks vacation, $5K moving allowance, promotion
This job offer match: $X3K plus 4 weeks vacation or $X5K plus 3 weeks vacation. Actually, I really want $X5K plus 4 weeks but I am certain that's not an option. I also don't want the hassle of moving back out west, even though I want to live there and I want to be closer to MFV. And my family, obviously (blarf).

Sunday morning

2009-12-06T10:37:00.003-05:00

I'm procrastinating. On Sunday! About going out! I do this often. I just want to stay home and be spooned by my couch most of the time. Is that so much to ask? I'm a recovering grad student, after all.

Yesterday, I finally dragged my ass out of the house about 3 pm for coffee, cash and One of a Kind Show (yes, again). I want to post all of the awesome and cool things that I saw there! I know I said I would do that last week but I haven't had the energy. Maybe tonight? Ahh, who am I kidding? They will just live forever in my head and in the little pile of cards on my desk. I should find a place for those. Some great, unusual gift ideas lie in that little pile.

I spent around 3 hours at the show wandering around by myself, sampling food and buying trinkets for myself. I thought about the art that I wanted to put on my imaginary condo walls. And I decided that I'm going to wait until I have said condo and then put up some of my own photos. And one or two of MFV's. He's an incredible photographer.

I took the long way home - 2 streetcars instead of the subway. At Bathurst and Queen, I saw a woman standing, waiting for the southbound car dressed in a leopard hoodie/cape thing complete with little ears and whiskers. She was waving excitedly as we passed by. Then, a couple of blocks north of that, we passed a house with a sign in the window, "Steam baths". We have steam baths in Toronto? Apparently we do. As we passed the back of the house, two police officers were leading a large man out onto the street in handcuffs. I think that was my first arrest. Ahem, not *my* first arrest! But you know what I mean. My first time seeing one in real life. Crazy.

Then I had sushi with my toxic ex-coworker and her brother and his gf. I have decided I don't like her family that much either. Must spend less time.

And today, I'm off to the mall and the orifice, the post office and two feedings by nice Indian parents (not mine, fortunately!). While I do not object to the feedings, I could use a bit more couch time today.

My favourite things

2009-12-05T01:17:00.002-05:00

There are three things I value about myself:

1. I can make people laugh. Not everyone all the time. But most of my friends and quite a few strangers. When it counts. And sometimes when it doesn't. Because unexpected hilarity is often the best kind.

2. I take good photos. I hesitated a moment before typing "good". But, actually, sometimes I get lucky. I have been to a couple of weddings where the couple ended up using my photos instead of (or as well as) the professional photos. The grad student who just had a baby changed her profile pic to one of the photos I took in the hospital. And she said another one that I took in the hospital made some of her husband's family cry. That's good enough for me.

3. I'm decent with Excel. This may sound ridiculous but I can colour-code spreadsheets like a maniac on the floor...

Ya, it's definitely time for bed.

Because I is a nerd

2009-12-03T19:34:00.001-05:00

And my friends are too.

Faak

2009-12-02T22:09:00.002-05:00

I just can't win. I heard back about the other job today. They want me in for a second interview with the veeps next week. The Universe appears to be screwing with me big time.

In entirely unrelated news, I had dinner with an old friend and her sister-in-law. Highlight of my evening was when the sister in law said, "I didn't get to talk to Ms B properly last time; she's funny!" I felt all warm and fuzzy inside. If you need context, my friend's brother asked why they included a tip line on the credit card receipt when they already added the service charge. My response? "It's for drunk people".

:)

I did it

2009-11-30T23:54:00.004-05:00

I started the ball rolling on the contract negotiations. I emailed my old boss this evening to ask for more money and an extra week of vacation. I didn't want to negotiate with him unless I was serious about moving back to Vancouver. But I made my decision today. Tomorrow I have to phone my landlady. I should send her an email now though, before I forget.

Okay, that's done. It's official. I'm moving out of here, and hopefully either into a storage space or a new condo in February! Yipes.

I was really having trouble deciding. I emailed MFV to ask him why he wasn't texting me every two hours, "Mooove back to Vancouver" but he was busy at work and, while I was dancing in the dark in my living room - dancing helps me think - I realized that I had nobody to talk to. So I sent a text message to my sister: "Should I stay in Toronto or moove back to Vancouver". She replied, "Move back to Vancouver". So, while I was emailing my old boss, MFV messaged me, "Moove back to Vancouver". We'll see what happens with the negotiations this week.

I'm going to bed. I missed my bed all day today. Tomorrow, I will tell you all about the cool stuff I bought at the One of A Kind Show this weekend.

Confused

2009-11-29T01:05:00.003-05:00

I know I wrote recently that I would not blog about my relationship with MFV but I am feeling so confused at the moment and obviously have nobody to talk to about this. He has been spending time with my sister, which, at first I thought was sweet and helpful. And I still want to believe that's all it is. But he's been helping her catproof her new condo and I'm starting to turn a bit green around the gills. He doesn't even like cats! But he took her to IKEA today to get something which would help the situation. I wasn't really clear what that was though. A dog, maybe??

I'm not close to my sister. We're too different. I've tried but I just can't have a meaningful conversation with her. He has tried to reassure me that he's attracted to me and therefore would not be attracted to her. She's the skinny, pretty one. I got the brains (and I like to think the personality!). There were a couple of evenings when he didn't text me back and it wasn't until we talked later that he told me what he was doing but not who he was with. He only told me when I asked who he went with. After that, I told him that I would be more comfortable if he told me ahead of time that he was going to hang out with her. Otherwise it feels as though he's hiding it and he said it wasn't a big deal. But something feels off this evening. Maybe I'm imagining things.

I guess, if it's going to happen (or if it has already happened), there's nothing I can do about it. But, if it does, there's no way around it. I will feel betrayed.

Geeky

2009-11-26T00:02:00.002-05:00

I am always attracted to the geekiest guy in the room. Okay, not the geekiest guy in the room. But definitely the geekiest guy on TV. Like Chuck Bartowski and Adam on CSI:NY and Greg on CSI:LV and Reid on Criminal Minds. Today, I was talking to a boy on Google Wave. And another boy on MSN. I told that one that I would pwn him one day. Also, I sent my friends a science joke today. It was a joke about pH. But it was so funny and my friends appreciated it. I is a nerd. Nerds are cool! Omg, I'm such a turkey. Happy Thanksgiving y'all!

Pathetic

2009-11-24T00:00:00.003-05:00

There are times when I wish I was not conscious. There are times when I wish I would never be conscious again. Instead, I dig a frozen cigarette out of the freezer and kill myself slowly. I know I am pathetic. I own that. I tell myself often, out loud, sometimes in public places when nobody can hear me. I call myself terrible names. It starts in the shower and doesn't stop until I get into bed, exhausted and unable to think anymore. I tell myself that everyone hates me, and they are right to hate me. I'm unlovable and unworthy of any kind of time or attention. That's the reason I'm alone. I deserve to be alone. So I will be alone. If not by choice, then by half-hearted intention. I am pathetic and I hate myself.

Tea and ladies

2009-11-21T16:34:00.002-05:00

Why don't men call when they say they're going to call? What is up with that? I hate it and I probably will never understand it. It frustrates me and I feel unloved, insignificant and neglected. Thank God for girlfriends and afternoon tea and tiny scones with devon cream and tea in teapots with teacups and saucers and strainers and all the dainty things that make me happy. Also, I am looking forward to copious amounts of alcohol tonight. (By copious, I mean two drinks).

Wholly, entirely subjective

2009-11-18T22:13:00.003-05:00

I'm having a better food day today than I have had in a long time (no thanks to work!) so I decided to blog about it.

Pre-breakfast: Sun Rype pressed apple juice. Yay BC :)
Breakfast: Decaf tall non-fat peppermint mocha. Okay fine it was a grande! But it's the only thing I love about Christmas.
Lunch: Pomegranate bran muffin, strawberry yoghurt, blueberries, raspberries.
Dinner: Salmon with dill and lemon, 350 degrees C in the toaster oven, approx. 20 mins; boiled green beans.
Dessert... brie and crackers, maybe? Maybe some chocolate digestives and milk.

This took planning and effort and, frankly, more time and energy than I have had in months. If only I could wake up every day without a headache and leave work at a reasonable hour (7 pm tonight). My tummy is happy today.

Oh, on a somewhat related note, I also had enough energy to wax my left leg. It was so ogopogo-hairy, though, that it hurt like a beyotch and now I'm too scared to do my right one. Maybe I'll save that one for tomorrow night!

Ugh

2009-11-17T19:31:00.003-05:00

The interview was horrifying. Atrocious, appalling, cataclysmic.

No, actually, it wasn't. It went well, I think. BUT I don't think I will be receiving an offer. I miss the good old days when they used to offer you the job on the spot. At the end of my last interview, the office manager asked me, "so how much notice do you have to give??" Ya. Not this time. They said they would call me before the end of next week if they wanted me to come in for a second interview. So, I will make a decision about Vancouver on December 1.

Right now, though, I am going to put on my pjs and lie on the couch under a blanket, drink some 13 day old red wine and watch tv. And maybe pretend to study my camera manual. Cuz I a nerd like that.

Job interview

2009-11-17T01:09:00.003-05:00

I could have prepared more efficiently. I could know more right now. I could care more. But frankly, all I want is to pack up and move back to Vancouver to be with my old group and move in with MFV. What the hell is wrong with me??

Mmmm coffeeee

2009-11-15T01:32:00.003-05:00

My thing right now is Starbucks' Christmas lattes. Specifically, the peppermint white mocha. Now normally, I am not a fan of flavoured anything. My usual is a decaf tall non-fat vanilla extra hot latte. I choose vanilla over sugar. It's marginally better for you. But I decided to try the pumpkin spice latte and wow was that ever yummy. So, when Christmas lattes came out, I decided to be a little less Scrooge and a little more adventurous. I gotta say, the gingerbread latte and the creme brulee latte are just gross. Gross, gross, GROSS! But the peppermint with chocolate and coffee and whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles.... party in my mouth people! Merry holidays :)

Douchebags in elevators

2009-11-11T23:19:00.003-05:00

I spent an inordinate amount of time with new guy and Douchebag today. New guy and I went to the Remembemererance Day ceremony at City Hall which was good. Except that, on the way there, he pulled me towards him in the elevator and tried to give me another face hickey and then, on the way back in the elevator, asked me what my breast size was.

Him: "what's your boob size?"
Me: stare of death (apparently futile)
Him: "B?"
Me: look of condescending superiority
Him: "C??"
Me: look of condescending smugness
Him: "nice"

Naturally, none of this prevented me from having lunch with him where he alternately ignored me in favour of his (not one but) two (!) blackberries and told me stories about the girls he has slammed/dated in the past. Truly charming.

Douchebag, on the other hand, was considerably better behaved today. We went downstairs for a mid-afternoon sugar break and, when we were waiting for the elevator, he said, "you're a very pretty girl, you know that?" I rolled my eyes and shot him a mental, "fuck you, I'm a woman not a girl, moron".

Hmm, maybe the problem is actually men + elevators.

aSSHAT

2009-11-07T00:00:00.001-05:00

What more can a girl ask for? Asshat. Where are you Asshat?

Perfection

2009-11-05T12:55:00.002-05:00

Today is turning out to be pretty perfect. This morning I got called for an interview for the only job to which I have applied since I finished school. It's pouring rain and sunny and I'm under the rainbow (not sure if this means I'm the pot of gold or the leprechaun) and there are dump trucks and steam rollers working outside my window. MFV sent me chocolates from Daniel le chocolat Belge for my birthday and I just ate a hazelnut mouse. It was like having a party in my mouth. I mean, really, what else can a girl ask for?

2^ 5 has been the best birthday ever

2009-11-04T00:14:00.002-05:00

I just had the best birthday ever. MFV phoned at 11.30 to wish me a happy almost birthday and we probably talked for a couple of hours about stuff and stuff. It was tough to get up in the morning but it sorta felt like Christmas - minus that whole having to go to work thing. I got my free birthday latte from Starbucks - yay! - and my coworkers took me out to lunch which was so surprising and really nice. I really did not expect that at all. I even brought my lunch today which I NEVER do.

In the afternoon, I met up with my financial advisor. That was my birthday present to myself. I didn't lose as much as I thought in the last couple of years. Only around 4 or 5% of my portfolio. This was due to sheer dumb luck. When I last saw her in 2007, I had intended to buy a place in 2008 so we moved a lot out of equity into money market. Then, because I didn't see her for 2 years, we never moved it back out and I weathered the storm quite nicely. Actually, I should give her more credit for that. I'm sure that if I had been too aggressive with my equity balance, she would have let me know. She also asked me about my target retirement age. Whether I was looking at 60 or 55. I laughed and said 55 would be nice but, considering that I'm 32 years old today and still don't own a house, I doubt I can do both. She said she would run some numbers and see what happens.

Then the girls came over this evening for dinner. Pink dress made vegetarian chili which is phenomenal. Our mutual friend brought wine and cheese, all of which were fabulous. She also brought over molten chocolate lava mini cakes. Oh lord. And my belly dance teacher brought herself and some cheery spirits. It was really nice. It was good to feel loved. Also, my facebook wall literally exploded today. It was really unexpected and overwhelming and touching to feel so much love in my life.

But the icing on my cake might have been unexpectedly receiving a gift in the mail from MFV. He mailed me a Moroccan teapot stuffed with chocolates from Daniel le chocolat Belge. And a really sweet card. I might be falling in love with that stupid boy.

Teeter-totter

2009-11-01T23:57:00.001-05:00

Did you know that, in the UK, they call teeter-totters "see-saws"? I grew up with see-saws. I feel like I'm on one right now. It sucks ass. On Friday afternoon, I talked to the other guy at the office. That man could sell crap to a crap salesman (sorry to whomever I plagiarized that from but it's apt and I would reference you if I remembered who you were, seriously). Anyway, I'm now waffling between 90% and 99% decided on the west coast. So much so that I'm started to get all weepy and shit thinking about the people I will be leaving behind. Again. I even got all teary when douchebag texted me, "i don't want you to go". Faaaak. But I want to go. I do. I just wish I could take everyone with me.

Yeah, what D said...

2009-10-29T21:48:00.001-04:00

Oh wow! I was *totally* here today. I was heading out to meet coworkers for a post division meeting drink and couldn't find the stinkin' pub. After having a shitty day at the office, I almost went home in tears. But I forced myself to buck the shit up and call someone to get directions. I downed a very large glass of red wine and faked it for an hour. Now I'm home and bed looks so good that I may stomp on my phones, throw the computer out the window and never emerge from my pillow cocoon. Fuck you, life, I hate you!

My mom is going to oVo

2009-10-28T00:14:00.002-04:00

And I didn't even have to tell her about the whole orgasm thing!

MFV got back from his worldly travels today. My old boss phoned and asked me if I was going to accept his offer. I told him that I wasn't ready to make a decision yet. That it comes down to personal life vs. professional satisfaction. When I talked to MFV, he told me to move to Vancouver. Seriously, in all seriousness, it almost tipped me over the edge. I'm teetering.

Sunday. I will make my decision on Sunday. Or maybe a bit later. Depending on what the other guy at work says. I'm going to phone him tomorrow.

Weekend stuff

2009-10-26T00:04:00.004-04:00

Life has returned to regular programming, post-Convocation. Friday night was blustery and cold and raining cats and dogs. I bought a used lens from a guy off craigslist and then went for sushi and coffee with an ex-coworker. Saturday morning, I attempted to go the gym but was foiled because pilates was cancelled and I didn't have my running shoes or mp3 player (I'm the last person on the planet without an iPod) so I went to dim sum with my parents and the septuagenarians kids and newly adopted grandbaby. Then I baked some hazelnut butter crisp cookies and saw Charlie (his mom's birthday) and proceeded to get fat on condensed milk toast with the girls. And today was brunch at Tequila Bookworm, met a briard in the park, bizarre bazaar and Cirque du Soleil.

If you can see the show in Toronto, you should go. It's called oVo. It's my new favourite. It was as good as an orgasm. So remember, o for orgasm and oVo. In fact, it was better than an orgasm because I went with a girlfriend whose company I actually enjoy and we both went home with orgasms :) So.good. oVo, people. You should go.

Convococation!

2009-10-22T00:43:00.002-04:00

I'm convoking tomorrow! I'm actually going to get my degree! After three years! I mean, that is, if they actually give it to me. Part of me wonders if I will march up there on stage and hold my hand out for it only to be told, "psyche!" Ha. It's going to feel pretty surreal, I can tell. If I had known how hard it would be to go to school and go to work and go to the grocery store and take out the garbage and live my life pretending to be an adult, all the while being all alone the entire time, I would never have had the energy or willpower to do it. Amazing what a girl can do when she has no idea what she's getting into :)

I have a new outfit - strangely enough though, no new shoes. Which is not to say that I didn't buy new shoes today - I totally did - but they're white flats so totally not fall shoes. I do have a new top, new pants and a new clutch. But that's okay. It's supposed to rain in the afternoon so, much as I would love to wear my thesis shoes, I'm not going to. Anyway, I'd better go to bed. It's going to be an early start. And yeah, yeah, I didn't want to go and my parents flew here for it which is the only reason I'm going but now I'm glad that I'm going because it feels like ducking Christmas! I'm so excited :)

Screw him

2009-10-21T00:35:00.003-04:00

I emailed Grey to let him know that I was no longer comfortable with us going to Cirque on Sunday now that he's officially in a relationship with someone. I explained and tried to be gentle about it. His response from Vegas? "Whatever... overthink away. Have fun with ur Mom". So I told him he could go screw himself. It felt pretty good. I'll probably regret it in the morning. Or in a couple of minutes when he drunkenly replies. Or maybe I won't give a shit. Because that's how I feel right now. He's a fucking moron. Oh there's his response now...

Fucking guy always makes me fucking cry. I want so badly to hate him. Kill me now.

New guy update

2009-10-19T00:13:00.005-04:00

So, I promised Victoria an update on the New guy. At the risk of ruining the ending (although, if you've been reading this blog for more than... oh about 90 seconds, you will be able to predict how it ends!), I have since lost interest. But it's still a mildly entertaining story and should probably be documented for posterity and my disastrous dating memoirs.

Here was the follow up fb conversation:

New guy at 19:24
on the verge of blocking you...

Ms Behaviour at 19:29
You're hilarious. Why do you want in so bad? You could just get to know me the old fashioned way like regular people instead of fb creeping me. I mean, if you know everything about me from fb, what are we going to talk about when we go for coffee/tea/lunch?

New guy at 19:35
I want in because you won't let me in, aside from that I don't give a shit.

Ms Behaviour at 19:42
Typical! Men are so predictable. No access for you yet :) My fb rule for coworkers is that I don't add you until I have socialized with you and I know you won't go gossiping about my personal life around the office. Is that fair?

Now go do something useful with your evening instead of messaging me.

New guy at 19:43
Yes, but I am not only planning on socializing with you, I am planning on fornicating with you too.....which reminds me, when are you going to invite me over?

Ms Behaviour at 20:41
Lmao and I'm planning on marrying you and having your babies!

You know, I always recommend Neil Strauss to all my single friends but it's refreshing to meet a man who actually practices the theory! So here's a question, do girls actually go for that sort of thing or do you end up getting bitch-slapped a lot?

New guy at 20:41
They not only go for it, they love it.

So, at this point, my interest has seriously started to wane. Listen guys, if you're picking up a girl and she knows how to play The Game, you should change it up. Because otherwise it's just another tired old pick up line.

Since this conversation almost 3 weeks ago, I have not been at the client office and he has made up for my absence by sending me progressively dirtier text messages. For example, "I can't wait to jizz all over your silky smooth skin" and "I miss staring at your ass and wondering if you like anal". Yeah. Smooth. I know.

Last week, he had a report for me so we met up for coffee. He finally admitted that he had given up on me and was no longer bothered about getting in my pants. I had to buy his coffee because he forgot his wallet at home and put up with his incessant blackberrying all night. Don't get me wrong, there is something superficially entertaining about this man but I have no interest in dating him. After MFV came and went, I have lost interest and patience in these games and the men who play them.

However, all of this did not stop New guy from trying to kiss me on the sidewalk. I fell for his, "give me a hug" and he pulled me in by my winter jacket and attempted to kiss close. I laughed at him and told him that I don't kiss my coworkers (okay, he has no reason to believe that I lie!) and turned my cheek. That was when he proceeded to chew on my cheek. It was kinda cute in a baby animal beseeching me for attention sort of way. So yeah, the fucker gave me a face hickey.

The final nail in the coffin was him posting, "no one likes you" on my fb wall. Yeah, that'll work.

Also, in other news, Grey has a girlfriend. We're supposed to see Cirque du Soleil this Sunday but I might have to uninvite him. I think that I'm over him because, frankly, I'm glad he's not *my* boyfriend. But I don't think I want to be friends with him, or spend $100 on a ticket which he probably won't appreciate. Maybe I'll take my mom instead.

I did meet a nice guy recently. He seemed nice the first time I met him and he seemed nice the second time I met him. He's a friend of a friend. Just this past weekend at a house party, he laughed at my jokes, rescued me from a creepy guy, helped me clean up and gave me a kiss on the cheek goodbye. I really like him as person and I think there might be some chemistry there. However, there is one MAJOR problem. In fact, I have always considered it a dealbreaker. He's a cop. RCMP actually, so maybe not as bad as uniform. But still, not good. That is the only profession I will not date because I cannot be married to a cop. Even firemen and paramedics, though less than ideal, are worthy of consideration. But I can't be married to someone who could die because of a firearm.

Apparently he told our mutual friend that I was an old soul. That's a nice compliment :)

My ribs are creaking

2009-10-17T01:43:00.001-04:00

God, have I really not posted all week? It's been a long and crazy one. Not as crazy as some recent ones, but still long, despite being short. Our three day Thanksgiving weekend seems a distant memory now.

I attempted condensed milk toast with my girlfriends this evening. We started out with all-you-can-eat hot pot. My ribs are still creaking! Then we went to T&T (huge Chinese grocery store) and picked up milk toast and condensed milk. If you have never tried Taiwanese/HK-style condensed milk toast, go find yourself a reputable bubble tea place and indulge. It's like breakfast and dessert had a perfect baby. Anyway, it ended up being a long night but we had a good time and I haven't seen those two in ages. I wanted to talk to them about Vancouver but I couldn't find the right moment and didn't want to put a damper on the evening. I think I should probably talk to them separately. In person. Soon.

Anyway, I'm picking up keys to my septuagenarian friend's condo (parents are staying there for a couple of weeks), then hitting the gym and then Costco. Then hopefully lunch, camera research and a nap before birthday party in the evening. I'm already exhausted because of my stupid period so it's going to be a long day. My bed is calling out for me. Sleeeeep!

Flip-flop

2009-10-12T02:22:00.001-04:00

No, this is not a post about shoes.

Now I know how MFV was feeling about his NYC vs. Vancouver decision.

I go back and forth every few hours about wanting to stay here vs. wanting to move back. I mean, sometimes it's 50-50 and other times I'm about to hit the giant red button which says, "Screw you Toronto!"

When I left BC, it was always my intention to move back. When I was in Tofino in August 2006, I mailed A a postcard and asked her to send it back to me when I graduated. She hasn't done that. In fact, she has probably forgotten. But I remember. Why, then, is it so hard for me to make this decision?

I know that I want to be on the West Coast. I hate the weather and the traffic and the pretentiousness. I miss the rain and sushi and the ocean. I hate that Toronto is sucking the soul out of my body. I miss being able to look people in the eye when I pass them on the street and not feeling like I need to be more threatening than them. I know I am a different person when I live here. Not a better person. I have been acutely unhappy here and very much conscious of it, whereas I feel like I was happier overall in Vancouver.

I want a raise and a promotion. I want off this stupid project. I want to not commute to Mississauga or work out of the client office. I want to be closer to my best friend.

But there's something keeping me here. Is it fear of something? I don't know. There is nothing here for me. Well, there is one thing. It's the illusion of friends. There are a handful of people who really mean a lot to me. But those people want what is best for me and won't resent me for moving forward with my life. It's the peripheral people that will be more difficult to deal with.

One thing that I have learned the hard way is that I always lose people when I move. When I switched elementary schools mid-year, when I left home for Canada, when I left boarding school, then undergrad, then Toronto. You lose people. It's just too difficult sometimes for them to keep up. Frankly, I have a large social circle here. Large enough that I feel guilty saying no to people so that I can have time to myself. The sum of all those meaningless, trivial friendships is greater here than it was in Vancouver. But I have always felt the quality of my friendships there were much higher. So what am I afraid of?

Maybe I just need time to allow the weight of this decision to settle in. So that I can defend my choice to all those who will question me and feel abandoned. Or rather, to let their criticism and judgment and disappointment just roll off. Like rain on a duck.

Quack.

Redacted

2009-10-11T17:01:00.005-04:00

Some of you may have an entry in your reader which does not appear on my blog. I chose to delete it. I talked to MFV online today. He sent me an email which helped me understand that I was being completely neurotic and overthinking his response. So I think I will refrain from posting about him and our relationship for the next little while. There are plenty of other things I can gripe about.

Long weekends are lame

2009-10-09T22:06:00.002-04:00

While work was a bitch this week, and I was looking forward to not being at the office for 3 days, now that the long weekend is here, I'm not happy about it. I hate long weekends. Everyone doing family stuff, eating yummy things and whatever other things families do together. Not that I want to be with mine at all. I mean, that would just make us all miserable. But I still feel lonely.

I get anxious having such a long expanse of time with so little to fill it in. I'm inventing things to do, none of which are bad and all of which I would normally want to do on a weekend. Like read the paper and watch tv and buy groceries and go to the gym. But the thought of forcing myself to stay busy while everyone else gets to relax fills me with dread. It's a good thing I brought work home.

And speaking of work, I'm inching ever closer to Vancouver. I heard today that there is stiff competition for job 1. And the person who is leaving job 2 hasn't even phoned to talk to me about whether I would be interested, even though that's what she told Douchebag she was going to do. Vancouver is not a bad opportunity. It's a big raise to go with a shiny new promotion. I love the city and it's feeling less and less like a backup plan every day. I am going to give myself until the end of the month to decide.

There are four things that worry me:

1. returning to a completely dysfunctional group, although the current state of dramarama is rapidly pushing me out the door;
2. losing my huge - if somewhat unsatisfying - social circle;
3. leaving my hairdresser;
4. not having a family doctor.

It is notoriously hard to get a family doctor. For almost 4 years, I went to the walk-in clinic. Ugh, bad.

I'm really going to bed early tonight. Hopefully nobody phones me after I fall asleep.

Anti-douchebag

2009-10-05T00:43:00.005-04:00

MFV just left. We had a really great weekend. Not just because we had fun but because he is a really great guy. A good man. In fact, he is almost the man I need him to be. Amazing what three years can do to a 24 year old. Despite one long year of not speaking to each other (2007-2008), our friendship has stayed tight. I rely on him like nobody else and, this weekend, I realized what it means to have a man around who is capable of being a grown up. He took care of me which felt so good. He helped me make decisions. He was quiet when I disappeared into my thoughts. He was protective and thoughtful and responsible and considerate. I want that from a man, and the douchebags, while entertaining, pale in comparison to him.

For three years, I have missed him and loved him like my best friend. Because that's what he is. But today, I might have started to fall in love with him. Which scares me to death because I don't really know how he feels about me. He looks at me like he really sees me. He makes me laugh without really trying which is not easy with my nerdy sense of humour. I can be myself around him and it is nice not to have to keep my guard up all the time. He can even see beyond the face I present to the world to the sensitive, vulnerable person that I am hiding from everyone. It has been a long time since I could spend 48 hours with someone and not feel exhausted by their company. Which is not to say the weekend wasn't thoroughly exhausting.

Dinner on Friday at Ruth Chris to celebrate his raise and my degree was amazing. Then salsa dancing with Baby and Delorean at El Rancho. My former salsa partner has improved vastly and I frankly couldn't get enough of him. I could have danced all night...

When we got home, he kissed me and I freaked out and we talked. We talked about the past and our futures and decided that there's nothing wrong with friends fooling around. It was nice, actually. Okay, the sex wasn't mind blowing the way that it is with Grey but MFV has only been with three other women. Counting him, I am into double digits. I wonder if he will be my last.

Saturday was brunch and the Ontario Science Centre. We're a pair of giant nerds and had a really good time. Dinner at the Host with friends and then Nuit Blanche. I'll post photos later. We stayed up til 4 am walking all over downtown before my legs gave up outside the Art Gallery. We had dim sum this morning and then read the paper and had dinner on the way to the airport.

I cried when he left. I don't know if I'm just tired and overwhelmed or if this is just a passing emotional phase. I miss him. I hope we end up in geographically closer cities. I know that the ideal situation in the short-term would be here for me and NYC for him. But long-term, maybe it's better if we're both in Vancouver. Who the hell knows what he is thinking though? I suspect that I'm more than a long distance booty call but I have been wrong in the past.

He's back from Morocco at the end of October. In the meantime, I have some decisions to make about work.

Calling bullshit

2009-10-01T22:34:00.003-04:00

I am so sick of the crap going around of the office that I am officially done with it. If I can't leave the company for public sector, I'm moving back to Vancouver. I have a phone call with my old boss tomorrow afternoon. Before that, I intend to follow up on two local job opportunities. I'm really, truly angry and I haven't felt this way about work in a long time. Close to 10 years, actually. I'm sick of being the one that gets pushed around because other people can't manage their schedules. Or because they're not 100% on this project and have other priorities. I don't feel any loyalty towards the people on this project anymore. And while it will suck for my current supervisor, I'm not exactly getting a lot of support from the seniors in my own group either. I am taking the first opportunity I can get to walk away. I am done crying over this bullshit. Work is not worth the tears.

Ohhhhhh

2009-09-30T00:13:00.003-04:00

The new guy and I went out for lunch today. Just the two of us. It was fun. I like him. Yes, yes, red flags danger klaxon sirens! I am stupid. Apparently advanced degrees in science/engineering/management do not qualify you (or just me) to know when a boy likes me. All day I was thinking he was just being friendly. Not so much as of right now. Here is our fb conversation:

New guy 29 September at 13:36
I see you're very pride of your [grad school] connection, LOL!

I think it is funny that you're 12 feet away from me and I am e-mailing you.

Me 29 September at 17:36
You're so silly. You'll have to tell me what you can see now that I have replied to your message. I don't usually fb at work but I can read messages when I get the email notification. See you tomorrow :)

New guy 29 September at 18:02
I can't see anything. If you don't add me, we're in a fight.

Me 29 September at 23:24
Lol you're so full of it Mr Politician! I know that some of my photo albums are publicly available. Anyway, I can totally take you...

New guy 29 September at 23:33
Listen smart ass, NONE of your albums are available. And now we ARE in a fight....you better add me!

Me 29 September at 23:43
Hmm, maybe they're restricted for luddites. Since we are in a fight, I look forward to kicking your ass tomorrow morning. Right after my pumpkin spice latte. I have a mean left hook! Good night [new guy].

New guy 29 September at 23:44 Report
I am going to buy two lattes, one to drink and one to throw on you.

Me 29 September at 23:50
That is a terrible waste of a good latte! Shocking. I'm glad we're not fb friends :p

New guy 29 September at 23:51 Report
I can't believe you won't add me...and after all these weeks of me flirting with you you diss me this hard!

Me 30 September at 00:03
Flirting?! I thought you were just recruiting me to assist you with your plan for world domination. Anyway, didn't I just meet you like last week? I don't let people in just like that, you know. You'll have to work harder. I'm really going to bed now. Pjs on and book in hand.

Here are my photos. Mini-truce?

I feel good

2009-09-28T23:10:00.002-04:00

But I didn't know that I would. Duh na na na na na nah! Sorry Mr James Brown :)

Really, this coming home from work and not doing anything is really awesome! This evening, after I got home from belly dance class, I poured myself a glass of "milk" (it's actually that Oat Dream stuff that sucks) and thought, "huh, I don't have to do anything now!" Yeah, that was a pretty good feeling.

On Sunday, I went camera shopping with Piglet's dad and it was fun. Although my brain is now officially overwhelmed with apertures and f-stops and shutter speeds and ISO. I have got some learning to do. I'm leaning towards the D90 but haven't totally ruled out the T1i because it's smaller. I prefer having all the manual controls at my fingertips though which is why I'm willing to risk wrist strain (say that out loud three times) for convenience.

Now, I know there is at least one photographer reading this. Anyone care to weigh in? It's a graduation gift from my parents so I'm hoping that they will also spring for an 18-200 mm lens, a wideangle lens (yeah it's a lot to ask for) and accessories like a bag and a bigger SD card.

Is it Friday yet??

2009-09-24T22:24:00.004-04:00

I am not loving this whole working 5 days a week thing. I handed my thesis in for binding today and I am thoroughly relieved about that. I also hate my job right now so I applied for a better one this morning, which coincidentally is in the same building as the graduate school. Completely unrelated though.

I have a few plans this weekend so that's nice. Nothing tomorrow night, but I have no doubt that will change. Or, if not, I can entertain myself at home by scrubbing floors and dusting and vacuuming. Saturday morning pilates and run. Saturday afternoon newspaper. Saturday evening drinks and dessert at a friend's place. Sunday afternoon D-SLR window-shopping (did I mention that my parents offered to buy me one as a graduation gift? Yay me :) with Piglet and parents. I haven't seen them for ages. Then I think I might be having dinner with A's parents on Sunday night. I hope so because I haven't seen them - or been fed by her mother - for some time.

Other than having to go to work every day, this thesis-free lifestyle suits me just fine.

Oh yeah, new guy update: he set off my gay-dar today when he was telling me about his great blue pin-striped suit. Douchebag's jealousy could very well be misplaced.

Stuck in my sports bra again

2009-09-22T22:10:00.004-04:00

Hey, why does the gym have to be such stinkin' hard work? Don't get me wrong, when I do failure sets on the pull-up machine thingy, it feels pretty damn good. But man, I am just too exhausted by the time I have walked home (carrying my gym bag and the laptop and a bag of groceries) to pull my sports bra up over my head. I'm going to invent some sort of alternative. I envision that it will have cups which somehow fasten over your shoulders and then sorta down around your hips or something. Wait, have I just created the Borat bathing suit? Ew. Never mind. I better go back to the couch before I actually hurt myself.

Oh ya, there's one other thing. There's this new guy at work who is totally friendly and cute and personable and well-dressed and comes to visit me every day (okay he doesn't have to go far because he's in the office across the aisle). However, I totally have a crush on him. Yes, I realize this means he is probably a gigantic jerk but whatever. I can still have a crush, right? Right. So check out this email that douchebag sent me today, subject was "FYI"...

I went to lunch with L, V, and that new guy from your floor. So we were all talking and he said something about how he loves seeing you in the morning because you are so ‘gorgeous’ or some crap like that. I was totally about to pop him one for saying it. What a jerk eh?! I can’t believe he’d say that. LOL..

Okay – I am kind of jealous – but felt like telling you anyway.

PS. All of that [confidential work stuff] crap flared up and went down. And who said ‘it was nothing’ about a month ago? You did – and then I did..and now I get to look like a mr. schmarty pants. Thanks.

Two things which totally crack me up: First, I can't believe he's sucking up to me now. And two, how crazy that he's calling this new guy a jerk?

You know what I think is cute though? The new guy came to see me after lunch and told me that some people were talking about me, specifically my fabulous taste in shoes. Le sigh... Now, everyone knows that I have great shoes but few people know that the way to this woman's heart is through her shoes. Major brownie points for new guy. I look forward to an exciting (short-term) future of harmless office flirtation.

Productive weekend

2009-09-20T19:31:00.008-04:00

I had a really good weekend. By the time 5 pm rolled around on Friday, I had zero plans and a full weekend of nothing ahead of me. I purposely didn't schedule anything because my life has felt so overscheduled and crazy busy recently. I just wanted some me time. Time at home to unwind and rest and settle down to yet another fall in this city.

My token male grad student friend (who happens to also be gay) ended up inviting me over for a BBQ just before I left the office and it ended up being a truly entertaining evening. How come gay men are so much more interesting to talk to than straight men? Also, his friends are super cute so that didn't hurt either.

On Saturday I literally lay on the couch all day and watched TV. I did leave the house twice. Once to visit with my septuagenarian friends who left for India today and may not return to Canada. The second time to pick up the paper.

Today, I met my belly dance teacher for brunch and did a bit of shopping on Queen Street. There are a ton of sales on right now, I guess in preparation for Christmas inventory. I bought three serving platters from Urban Barn and then went next door to a furniture store and bought a stool which I have been searching for for ages.

It looks like this but is standard chair height. My dining table is small so I wanted something I could stow under it and just pull out when I have an extra person over.

Speaking of which, MFV is coming to visit in two weeks on his way to Morocco. I'm nervous and excited to see him after 3 years and worried that my expectations (which I can't quite seem to define, even in my head) are too high.

And, for good measure, an update on my Shawshank list:

1. Read the paper -- check!
2. Make dim sum
3. Go to the gym -- check!
4. Go to the library -- check!
5. Go to my favourite restaurant in Little Italy
6. Clean apartment -- check!
7. Purge stuff in "office"
8. Sell microwave
9. Sell U2 tickets -- check!
10. Go to the movies (at least two)
11. Start watching Entourage
12. Lie on the grass - it's getting too cold for this :(
13. Look into fall classes (culinary, photography, Italian)
14. Watch documentaries and nap -- check!
15. Take new drug plan info to pharmacy (yes, boring but it needs to be done)

U2

2009-09-16T23:55:00.001-04:00

Without a doubt the best concert I have ever been to.

Honey, I'm home!

2009-09-15T19:53:00.002-04:00

Mexico was stinkin' HOT! It took me a couple of days on the beach to stop twitching with anxiety that I wasn't being productive. But I eventually settled in and now I have the tan lines to prove that I was not sitting at my desk for 8 days :) I am planning on writing a bit more but right now I have a lot to do. I have to put on my pjs, bake some brownies, lie on the couch, watch me some TV and then eat said brownies with a tall glass of cold (lactose-free) milk. As you can see, I have a very busy evening ahead of me.

1 more sleep!

2009-09-05T23:12:00.003-04:00

Mexico tomorrow :) Yay sun, sand, surf and tequila. My plans include reading, napping, eating, drinking, going in the ocean and possibly trips to Playa del Carmen and Cozumel. Maybe some snorkeling if I don't get scared off by a school of fish. I still have to pack and tidy the house and take out garbage. I just need to write down that I had the most awesome day today. I went to the gym for pilates class and a run (check those off the Shawshank list), then spent the rest of the afternoon at the Toronto Island Marina on a boat drinking and eating and meeting new people. So relaxing. Also, I had a puff of a j and then a hit off a plastic water bottle bong with Pink Dress so that's a new one for our friendship. The funny part is that we were hanging out with 50+ year olds and the bong was a gift from a 16-year old grandchild! I want to be that kind of grandma. Okay, must pack and such before bed. If you hear horror stories about four female Canadian grad students getting kidnapped, murdered and chopped into tiny pieces... well I guess that will out me!

I need some advice

2009-09-03T01:03:00.003-04:00

I had dinner with Pink Dress today and her car died when she arrived at my place. She phoned her mechanic and invited him to dinner with us. This is the same guy that called me chubby and blonde last October.

I thought I could pretend to be fine for a couple of hours but I don't think I can ever spend time with both of them together again. I'm still really hurt by what he said and he set me back light years with those comments. I know that he means nothing to me and I should just discard his opinion but I just can't get his words out of my head. I was so self-conscious of everything I ate at dinner tonight that I couldn't finish my meal.

I'm not sure if I should tell Pink Dress that I don't ever want to see him again or just forget it. The worst part is that she seems to think that he has a thing for me and there is no way in hell that I can purposely spend time with someone whose mere presence reinforces my neuroses about my low self-esteem and weight and food issues. Am I being insane?

Update: Grey, our mutual friend and MFV all told me I should tell her so I just sent her this email.

Okay, I don't know how to say this so I'm just going to come right out with it.

I know the mechanic is your good friend but I can't hang out with him again. When you said you had invited him to dinner, I thought I would be fine with it but it turns out I'm still not over him calling me chubby and blonde last October. I realize these are my neuroses and he probably had no idea that he would touch on such a sensitive issue. I'm sorry, I know he's good to you. But I really have to assert myself on this one. I was really uncomfortable last night and that makes me unhappy because I was looking forward to catching up with you. Do-over on Saturday?

Quiet time

2009-09-02T00:28:00.005-04:00

I took a sick day today. I'm sure, if you read my previous post, you are unsurprised. But I feel much better for having stayed home not doing anything all day except wonder whether my landlady has been paying for cable for 3 years which I have not been getting. I digress. I had a very quiet day. I worked for a bit in the morning but had to go back to bed. I was sitting here at my desk with the heater on, wrapped in a blanket, shivering. Serves me right, I know. But I woke up in the afternoon carrying around a heavy lethargy. I slowly started feeling normal in the evening, even lonely and pathetic for missing my thesis, and I hope this will be the end of the thesis defense exhaustion. I don't know, maybe it will take a bit longer.

Did I mention already that I'm going to Mexico for a week on Sunday? Oh yes, lithe 25-year old bikini bodies. I'm also concerned about spending that much time with people. I'm used to being alone. I'm used to making autonomous decisions and then changing my mind and nobody being the wiser. I hope it will be a fun, relaxing girls trip. And, most of all, I hope I don't return wishing that I had booked a solo trip to Jamaica.

I drunk

2009-08-31T23:52:00.003-04:00

Thursday, bubbles, weed and sex.
Friday, bubbles and fondue and Crown and ginger.
Saturday, red wine.
Sunday, tea.
Monday, sangria, blow job (free, with whipped cream, look ma no hands!), beer.
Tuesday...

Couch to 5K - Item 3 on the Shawshank List

2009-08-30T18:21:00.004-04:00

I went to the gym today. It's on my bucket list (which is actually more of a Shawshank list) and I decided I needed some motivation so I Googled Couch to 5K and found Carli's website with some running playlists. I downloaded Week 1 and it is really great. It helped me get to the gym, kept me on the treadmill and I was actually disappointed when it was over! I am not exactly new to running but I have neglected the gym for the past two months. I just figured that, if I had enough energy to work out, I should be working on my thesis instead, right? Anyway, it felt good to go back to the gym and the workout was pretty straightforward. I won't say it was easy but it wasn't too challenging and I'm looking forward to going to the gym for the rest of this week.

This is not entirely an altruistic goal. I'm going to Mexico for a week next Sunday and the thought of standing next to 20-something-year old bikini clad bodies is excruciatingly intimidating. Now that I find myself in my 30s, I definitely have better self-esteem and that translates into better body image. I have some problem areas which I never had in my 20s but gravity and stress and age have taken their toll. So I'm working on the abs, the shoulders and triceps and overall cardio this week.

The hard part will be to eat better. I went out for Indian in Yorkville last night and ended up painfully full. I walked home but was still uncomfortable after the chilly evening half-hour walk. Then, this afternoon, I had high tea (again in Yorkville, my credit cards are weeping) and walked home again. I no longer stuff myself at tea because of my egg allergy but I did inhale a lot of cream and scones. God, so yummy. It was a party in my mouth this weekend. (Friday night was bubbles and fondue with the grad students followed by a tiny bit of bar hopping in Little Italy).

The final part of the plan is to run a 5K in November at the end of the 9 week program. Ontario is going to be mighty chilly at that time of year so maybe I should look for a run in Vancouver. Or the Caribbean somewhere :) I haven't fully thought that through yet but I will have a lot more free brain power now that the thesis is done.

Here is the rest of my Shawshank list:

1. Read the paper
2. Make dim sum
3. Go to the gym -- check!
4. Go to the library
5. Go to my favourite restaurant in Little Italy
6. Clean apartment -- check!
7. Purge stuff in "office"
8. Sell microwave
9. Sell U2 tickets
10. Go to the movies (at least two)
11. Start watching Entourage
12. Lie on the grass - it's getting too cold for this :(
13. Look into fall classes (culinary, photography, Italian)
14. Watch documentaries and nap
15. Take new drug plan info to pharmacy (yes, boring but it needs to be done)

DONE!

2009-08-28T09:54:00.004-04:00

I'm done! DONE! DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE! Yay :)

God, it is such a good feeling. I am so relieved it's over. And it went surprisingly well. To be honest (because I can do that here), I am really impressed at myself for doing such a good job with the presentation and the questions. It felt as though they went on and on forever but actually it was short at an hour and 15 minutes. I got a lot of compliments on the quality of my work and my thesis document itself. The former chair of the program (who is a silver fox hottie with a wonderful exotic accent) said that he really liked what I had done and was happy. When I left the room for their deliberations, he said to me, "you can relax now". Le sigh. I think I am in love with that man. Anyway, many compliments later, they nominated me for the Governor General's Gold medal award. Nobody from my program has ever won it because it's tough to publish in science but it felt good to even get the nomination and it will look rather nice on my CV :)

Grey was good enough to come pick me up after I had a few celebratory drinks. At one point, just as we were getting into bed, I was lying there thinking, "what if I just dreamed all of this and I have to defend it all over again!" Momentary panic. I imagine I will have more days of waking up and thinking those thoughts.

For now, back to bed for a nap. This afternoon, I have a big pile of library books to return. And this evening, more drinks with bubbles :)

Congratulations me!

D-Day

2009-08-27T00:14:00.001-04:00

It is D-day. One more sleep and then I will wake up and do the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I know it will be hard because this is my life we're talking about. One more sleep with my thesis and the whole thing will (hopefully) be over. Although... there is a guy in my program who defended today and did such a stellar (sarcastic) job that he has to re-defend in 2 months. Apparently this "university" just will not let anyone fail! Yay for that. This time tomorrow I plan to be drizzunk and/or asleep. One Master's thesis defense coming right up.